We meet again..

Square one we meet again. I started back drinking and smoking which was not only a huge disappointment to everyone I know but to myself as well. I have been in a terrible funk despite having a new job and doing well at it. I started back drinking and smoking and started slacking on my classes. I fight with this depressing feeling of, "what does it matter anyway?" which logically I know isn't true but I find myself thinking it anyway. I find myself thinking things like, "you aren't worth it anyway." and I hate that, I can't figure out why I hate myself so much. I've made my fair share of mistakes but nothing so bad as to hate myself so much. I find myself in this funk making self destructive choices and I feel so badly because so many people have been so supportive of me. I can't thank Rodney enough for sticking with me and standing beside me. I had a good cry about not going to get any wine and Rodney held me and comforted me. I don't know how he stands it. I'm not that good of a person to deal with someone elses sobriety problems. I get frustrated even though I physically understand where they are coming from. It amazes me that he is so understanding when he isn't an addict. So today I didn't drink and who knows what tomorrow will bring but I can't think that far ahead with my sobriety. I just have to make it through this hour of not drinking and then try for the next one and the one after that and so on. One step at a time even if they are baby steps. I can do it. I know I can and I want to if not for me than for all the people who have stood by me and for my boys, they deserve it.

In the name of Adoption...

‎"I am a birthmother and I personally am horrified that a television show that reaches so many viewers would send such a message. It is frightening to potential birthmother, adopting couples and even children who have been adopted. It is also completely false and to even pretend that such a thing could happen spits on what adoption is really all about, which is LOVE. I am completely offended."


Please sign this petition for me, for adopting parents, birthparents, and adopted children every where. Please spread the message.

Yeah, what he said...

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination .... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan, James M Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

Please note the sarcasm and stop picking things out of the bible that suite your purpose to bash other people. "Love thy neighbor" people. Do it.

Happy seven months, Liam!

No, I am not pregnant again. I know, thank God, right? In all seriousness, it has been seven months now since I was pregnant. The most amazing little baby boy is seven months old today. He is perfect in every way. Of course I am biased but it doesn't make it any less true.

I hear he is pulling up and even crawling. I actually saw this awesome video his parents posted of him crawling over to a chair and pulling up. He is just so amazing I can't even express it fully. I am so proud of his parents, they too are amazing. They recently shared a video of Liam eating some yummy food, like real honest to God beets! It was so cool to see his expression and how intently he ate the food.

I showed Bailey a picture of his brother and told him he was seven months old. He asked me when Liam would be one year so I told him. He said, "Wow, he is growing up to be a big boy so fast like me." That is so true, I blinked and now Liam is seven months and Bailey will soon be six years. Before I know it, Liam will be the one turning six. I know his parents are enjoying every single minute with him. It warms my heart to see the whole family, extended family as well, just so happy. I feel blessed to have even been a part of that process.

Happy seven months Liam, I am so proud of you and I love you very much!

Sunny side up!

I feel like since having been drug back into the drama with certain people recently I have felt depressed, all my posts and blogs reflect my frustration and anger. I walked away for those people and that situation so I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore. I am now walking away again and for good this time. In my world they don't exist.

So on a more positive note, my life is great. I am getting married to the man of my dreams next June. This man who has supported me and loved me, been honest and truthful with me from the day I met him seven years ago. It is so exciting to know this is going to happen for real. I cannot wait to Mrs. Carlock. I look forward to my daddy walking me down the aisle and giving me away.

School is going great, I am doing well in all my classes. One of my teachers actually split up a group that I was in because we answered our worksheet correctly and the fastest. She asked me and one other girl in our group to go help two other groups. It made me feel so good to be singled out in a good way. I love working hard on my papers and having them come back with a score of nine out of ten. I feel accomplished and I can't wait to get my first certificate this December. It is one step on the road of getting my doctorate. My only regret is I wish my Grandmother could see me now, she would be even more proud of who I am today. I know she is watching me from heaven though and helping to gently guide me in the right direction. I love you Grandmother and I miss you!

Although lately I have been feeling a little blue about missing Liam, I am also very happy. It makes me so happy to see his parents beaming with pride and joy in their pictures. I love reading them bragging on his accomplishments and his milestones. I love the three of them so much and although I do miss him I am so glad I gained the three of them in my life. I hope I can get a chance to visit with them soon.

My beautiful baby boy who is not a baby anymore read to me for the first time last week. He sat down with a level two book and read it to me with minimal assistance from me. I am so proud of him and it was the sweetest thing in the world to hear him reading aloud. He is doing so well in school, his teachers are constantly praising him. He is so smart and sweet and outgoing and athletic. God truly blessed me when he gave me Bailey. That boy makes my life worth living.

My amazing little sister is a photographer! I am so proud of her work, she is so very talented not just with her photography but in many aspects of her life. I miss her a lot though. I know we fought a lot but sisters who live together usually do. She is one of the best people to talk to though. I could cry on her shoulder and vent to her during my pregnancy with Liam and she was a great listener and very supportive of me. I miss being able to confide in her face to face. One day soon though that will be possible again and I cannot wait! I really hope she will be able to come to my wedding.

My soon to be mother-in-law said to me yesterday, "You have matured a lot. It's very obvious how much you have grown and are still growing. I am very proud of you." I nearly cried. It means so much to me that people can see the change in me. Certain people still bring out the old me but the people who have been supportive and loving and caring see the changes in me. Being sober for fourteen months has made me realize that I can do anything. Placing Liam in a loving home made me realize that I am a good person. Going back to school has made me realize that I really am smart. Working in my career field has proven to me that I am very good at what I do. They don't call me "The Baby Whisperer" for nothing.

Their are a lot of changes going on in my life and although some are stressful, mostly finances, things are on the up swing. I hope that the people who I have to leave will be understanding because I honestly do love them. Right now I have to provide for my family and so sacrifices must be made. I will keep moving ahead and keep my head up. Thank you all for being understanding and allowing me to vent my anger and frustrations to you. But from now on it's back to the positive and uplifting because only a few can make me that angry and those people are no longer allowed back in my life. I surround myself with good people only.

Dear Liam:

Dear Liam,

You are six months old. Wow, time went by really fast. I can't believe you have already left the country with your family on a vacation. You know, I still haven't. I actually flew for the first time last year when I was pregnant with you.

I see you are crawling and pulling up for the first time as of today. I have such mixed feelings about that. Of course beyond a doubt I am so proud of you. I am so envious of your parents for being able to share that with you. I am sad that I missed it, these little milestones of yours. I am also overjoyed that you are in such loving, capable hands who have helped you to meet these milestones at such a young age.

I cried when I saw your pictures of you on your cruise. I told you brother Bailey's dad, Rodney, "I must have did the right thing because I could never have given him that." and then I went to have a good cry. I can't figure out why all of a sudden this is becoming so much harder. Of course I don't regret my decision at all but all of a sudden I am going through stages of sadness, anger, depression and jealousy.

Some days I am so thankful for modern technology and the ability to look at pictures of you or to get updates of your progress. Then there are days where I wonder if maybe my life would be easier not seeing you. I know the later isn't true at all, my heart would shrivel up and die if I couldn't see your beautiful little face, to know you are happy and well taken care of.

I talk about my pregnancy with you to people constantly. As a mother I find myself talking with other mothers about both of my pregnancies, comparing mine to theirs and even comparing both of mine to each other. Sometimes, I just feel I have to validate your existence, that it wasn't all a dream and that I did carry and love you for nine months. Sometimes it just seems so surreal. I never thought it'd be me going through this.

Your brother really likes looking at pictures of you, he misses you too. Sometimes I feel like I'm stalking you and your parents. I don't want to "like" every picture of you on facebook for fear of scaring them off by coming on too strong. I don't want to push them away or lose you guys. I'm trying to come to terms with that feeling because of course I have never had to go through that before. Since you are no longer legally my son, it is always in the back of my mind that I could do something to lose the little bit of you that I have. I don't know how I could survive that.

I stopped pumping a while ago and I hate it. Although pumping took up a lot of my time and with me back in school it honestly just isn't realistic to think I could still do it, I miss it. There was just so much I couldn't do for you, I was able to find you loving parents and I was able to provide you food that I was able to produce from my own body.

I work in a daycare and right now we have a lot of infants in our care. It's hard not to make comparisons. It's hard not to hold them sometimes and wish it were you. I sometimes even wish I were holding you when I am home lying in my bed watching t.v. by myself. I wonder what if, what if I had parented you. What would it have been like? What would nursing you have felt like?

I hate that I denied myself the opportunity to love you, to really love you and enjoy every minute of you while I was pregnant with you. I tried to cut off my emotions for fear of being overwhelmed but now I wish I hadn't. I love you so much and I miss you. Your birthfather just had a little girl a few weeks ago. It upset me so much that this girl kept her child. I feel sorry for the little girl too. At least you will have a good life and opportunities, she won't.

Anyhow, I think that is it. I'm all mushy and sappy right now. I miss your beautiful little face, I miss feeling you kicking me, I miss your little hiccups and your temper tantrums when they wouldn't go away. I love you baby Lamb.

Love,
Birthmommy.

Yeah about that...

Yesterday, was just a terrible no good very bad day. It started off with Rodney and I having a fight that caused me to ball my eyes out at work. That left me with a massive headache that worked it's way from the base of my neck to behind my eyes. I spent a good deal of time in my bosses garage trying to "talk things over" with Rodney. He called me back later to apologize to me but I was simply exhausted from the worrying, the arguing and the crying. We talked a little more about it but to be honest I just wasn't up for discussing it any more.

We got home, I made Mexican pizzas for dinner and helped Bailey with his homework. I spent some time with Rodney, yes in that way. Since that was what our big fight was all about. I figured after that we'd snuggle or watch a movie. Nope and honestly I needed to do my homework anyway.

Rodney played WoW and I ended up at my computer. I saw that Liam's dad had posted a picture of a slice of cake with 0.5 written on it and Happy Half Birthday written as the caption. Oh my God, how had I forgotten? I couldn't believe that it was his half birthday and I had forgotten. I started crying. Why is six months so much harder than six weeks? Was it just an emotional day for me? Rodney asked me if I was ok and I said, "I'm just sad. I guess I shouldn't be, I never could have given Liam a cruise to Italy." I looked around at our little apartment with it's furniture that is very mismatched. "Yeah, I couldn't have given him very much so it worked out for the best. He is loved and his is happy and he is already experiencing the world." Rodney tried to lighten the mood by saying, "I'm trying to figure out how I can get adopted I want to take a vacation please." I just wasn't in the mood. I went to bed listening to classical music.

We have a new little boy who just started yesterday. He reminds me a lot of Bailey as a baby. He has the somewhat curly, soft, black hair. He is just so fat like Bailey was with that caramel colored skin. I hold him to my face and he smells just like Bailey did as a baby. There is nothing more intoxicating than the smell of a baby. He smiles at me so hard his eyes disappear. I honestly want to just hold his little fat self all day long. I try not to though because it gets me to thinking of how much I want another baby, a baby of my own to have and to hold.

School is going well although I am still getting the hang of it. It's hard for me to "take notes" because I never really learned how to. I am teaching myself shorthand. I am also teaching myself APA format which is what all my papers have to be written in. Reading my COMP book has to be just about as boring as reading The Great Expectations, which I never finished because I, who love books, hated that boring ass book. I find myself rereading the same thing over and over. So today I started writing the definitions, that seems to help. My ECCE classes are much more interesting.

I'm still dealing with all my health aliments. I really have to find the time to go file for medicaid/disability medicaid. I work during the hours they are open though so that probably won't happen any time soon. It really sucks that my health has to take a back seat for now but hopefully once I finish school and become a teacher I will be able to afford health care for my family. Bailey is on medicaid but Rodney and I are up a creek without a paddle.

I think that is about as much complaining as I can do right now. In all honesty I am blessed to be back in school, to have Rodney and Bailey and all my friends and family. The other things will eventually fall into place, I just have to work hard and be patient.

I'm just saying...

A lot has been weighing on my mind recently. A very dear friend of mine is placing her baby for adoption with some family of hers. I have good feelings about open adoption but if I could I would spare every woman from the pain of placing a child. Certainly there are a lot of positives to placing. My son is happy and healthy with good people for parents. He will have better opportunities that his birth father and myself could not have provided him. I was able to get a job, go back to school and fix my relationship with Bailey and his father.

 I have never miscarried a child but I cannot begin to imagine nor do I want to compare what I went through to that. However, the loss and grief I felt was comparable to losing a loved one to death. Maybe more. I lost my Grandmother last year to ALS (Lou Gerhigs Disease) and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Placing Liam was by far worse. I have really good days when I look at pictures of him and it makes me smile from ear to ear and then other days when I have a phantom "kick" that makes me burst into tears.

My dear friend said to me, 'I don't know how you did it.' I didn't know what to say. I cut myself off emotionally from my child, I denied myself access to him at the hospital, I refused to see him without his parents present. Oh certainly I would day dream ridiculous things that would some how "allow" me to keep my son, even going so far as to imagining his birth father being locked up for the next 20 years. I always knew none of them were feasible. They were simply a coping mechanism.

I know now that had I parented Liam, Rodney and I wouldn't have survived as a couple. And although it was never a matter of Liam vs. Rodney, I wondered for a while if we could have done it. But there are some days when I am simply paralyzed with grief over Liam and Rodney can't always handle it. It hurts him and it hurts me. He envisioned us as a family, Bailey, Heather and Rodney. When Bailey and I did a photo shoot with Liam and his parents at the IAC (Independent Adoption Center) annual picnic in Atlanta, I told Rodney we would be taking pictures. When he saw me previewing them he got upset, he said, "I didn't know they were going to be family pictures." I understand why he is upset and I allow him that. I can only hope that he can understand that is no possible way that I can ever not love my children.

I was planning on taking a trip up to see Liam but with our current financial situation and the tension between Rodney and I over Liam, I think it may be best to wait. Although, I so desperately want to hold that little boy in my arms and kiss his little face. I sometimes find myself envious of people with babies, the way the hold them or if the breastfeed them. I didn't breastfeed Bailey and although I did pump for Liam a big part of me wants to know the feeling of holding my child so close to my chest and feeding them from my body. I want to build that bond with my baby. Just writing this now has my throat burning and my eyes full of tears.

As a teen I didn't want to be a mother and even though I love Bailey very much it took me a long time to realize that I was a mother and that I came second to him. Now, I am so proud to be a mother, to be a birth mother. All I want in this world is to be a mother, to be a good mother. I want to hold my children and kiss away their pains. Oh how I miss my son. I miss him when I wake in the morning and when I put Bailey to bed at night. My body has carried to beautiful healthy children to term. I struggled through two labors with my boys face down. Yet, each night I bathe one child, I dress one child, I kiss one child goodnight and I tuck one child into bed. I know I should feel blessed to have my one child and I do, oh I do! I love Bailey so much I never thought it was possible. But some days, some days I am so angry. So bitter. Why did this happen to me? Why oh why Lord?! I can't say I didn't deserve it because I was a wretched person. I can't say that it wasn't meant to happen, I needed it to help me turn my life around. I have been sober for 13 months now thanks to Liam.

My little sister whom I love so very much is so much like me it's scary. She reminds me a lot of me at 17 which if you knew me at all back then is not a good thing. I try to tell her, try to explain to her that she doesn't want this. She doesn't want the pain I have suffered. She doesn't want it. But until you have a had a child you cannot fathom what the loss of a child could possibly be like. I pray for her daily, please God help her find her way back. Don't let her have to go through what I have had to go through. Help her to see that Kim and Roy are no good. Just one more year, let her survive living with the devil in that house for just one more year. And baby sister, if you are reading this know that I love you with all my heart and there is nothing you can ever do or say to make me stop loving you. I wish you could call me so you could her the sounds of my sobs as I cry out, "I want my baby, I want my baby!" I wish you could see the pain on my face as the tears steadily run a hot trail down my face.

My little brother doesn't talk to me anymore. That breaks my heart because he was my best friend. I guess my disowning Kim made him dislike me. I hope that one day he can forgive me and understand why, although I miss him and love him, I cannot let her back into my life. I have to protect my son from her. I have to protect myself from her and if I could I'd protect our sister from her. And little brother if you are reading this know that I love you and nothing you say or do will ever make me stop loving you. I have missed you so bad that is hurts. I used to be able to talk to you about everything. When I was pregnant with Liam some times I felt so alone, so many people had a vested interest in my placing Liam. You would have just listened though. I really needed that then. I hope that one day soon you will reach out to me. Bailey misses you.

I laid in my bed and sobbed so hard I couldn't make a sound. I wanted my daddy so bad and I wanted my mommy so bad, not Kim obviously. At 24 years old I just wanted to lay my head down in my mommy's lap and feel her soft, small, cool hand on my brow. I wanted to climb into my daddy's lap and have him wrap me up into a bear hug like the papa bear that he is. I miss being a little girl, I miss my daddy hugging away all the hurts and his ability to make everything better by simply kissing the top of my head and saying, "It's all going to be ok." I am expected to be an adult now. I have to be a big girl and I don't want to be. But I have my own son who needs to climb up in my lap so that I can wrap him up in a big bear hug, kiss the top of his head and say, "It's all going to be ok."

School starts next week so I will probably write less. I need to get my game face on I don't have time to mope or fret. I am excited to be starting this new chapter in my life. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my sons. I love them both very, very much. I hope they always know that.

Another Manic Day

I just stood in my kitchen rinsing off dishes and asking myself why they weren't in the dishwasher. Meanwhile the dishwasher is audibly running directly next to me. I hear this, I acknowledge this and then I proceed to try to open it to load the new dirty dishes into it. Damn it.

On the other side of the kitchen the stove is on 350 degrees, it has been on like this for over an hour because I started cooking dinner at 6:30. Dinner has been done since 7. I left the oven on again. I do this sometimes and thank God most of the time Rodney notices.

Bailey sits at the bar on the stool. I have chopsticks sitting on a dish across one another. Bailey has a habit of picking them up or messing with them. He bumped into one and it rolled off onto the counter. I had to struggle not to scream at him. He and Rodney play with these things that are set up just the way I want them and it gives me a headache to think about it. I placed it up there and asked Bailey to please not mess with them for what feels like the umpteenth time. I guess I made a weird gesture because he just looked at me and backed out of the room.

After discussing a financial transaction with my boss I tried to explain to Rodney what it was she was trying to do. I tried to work out whether or not it would be benificial for us at this time. I know I knew at one point what my standing was on it but for the life of me I could not put it into words. It was like trying to get a hold of a stream of water, it kept slipping away. Rodney could see how frustrated I was getting and said he would handle it. This is why Rodney handles our finances, I am easily confused when it comes to money or numbers of any kind really.

I feel on edge, not mad or upset just like my skin is crawling. I want to just go to work, go to school, be with my boys as much as possible and plan my wedding. Right now I don't want to worry about anything else. I hate how selfish that sounds because of course I am empathetic to my family and friends. I just can't divide my focus any more than I already have.

My boss asked me how Liam was doing and it felt like a great effort to bring him to mind. Not that I have forgotten him but right now my attention span is short, my thoughts are jumbled and hard to hold onto. It is taking me so long just to get all of this together. I felt myself getting aggravated not because she asked but just frustration at not being able to hold the thought, to put it together. It's like having a puzzle and knowing that once put together it should be a flower, but what kind? How big? What color? Where to begin? Edge pieces first?

Rodney emailed me something to look over and edit. I read it three times and had no idea what I had read. This is uncommon for me. My reading comprehension has always been above average. I scored college level when I was in the 6th grade. I had to ask him a couple of times what it was he wanted. I finally got it done but it still felt incomplete.

I am writing this to kind of keep notes of days that are different, off, manic, depressive, etc. I want to be able to print them and take them with me to my psychiatrist whenever I manage to get medicaid. I keep forgetting to go to the DFACS office. I need to talk to my school adviser about my future goals, I need to fax my petition for graduation and I still need to check with financial aid to see that all my paperwork is complete.

Hopefully this will have gone away by tomorrow, Bailey's orientation for school is tomorrow. I'd like to have my thoughts together especially for that. I apologize if I managed to offend anyone today or if I manage to offend anyone tomorrow.

So blessed!

So much is going on right now but all of it for the better. I cannot believe I am finally going back to school! I am excited to be getting a good education that will help to support me in my goal of better supporting my family. I enjoy buying nice things for my family, providing healthy, delicious, home cooked meals for my boys and helping to put a roof over our heads. A better education means a better position in my career field. I am excited about the future, about what new possibilities having a degree can do for me. I am also very excited to just learn, to become even more knowledgeable about children and education. I was so proud after I got my compass placement test scores back, it was the same feeling I had when I got my G.E.D. transcripts. I did it!

After everything that happened last year I could only hope that Rodney would forgive me. That we could get back to a place of mutual love and respect. I could only dream of planning our wedding together so soon. I sincerely can say that I have never loved Rodney more and couldn't imagine it being possible for me to love him even more but it seems like everyday we grow closer. Rodney's Grandma said to me the other day, "I think you guys are ready, it's time. You both have matured a lot. You had a lot of growing up to do and you did it." That was the best compliment I could have received. I became a mother at 18 and felt entitled. I felt I deserved respect for being an adult and for being a mother. I also was certain that I knew everything. I have come to realize I know very little indeed. But with that I am ready to learn. I am so excited to be getting married to Rodney. I cannot wait to say my vows and to MEAN them. He truly is the light of my life, my knight in shinning armor. I mean to live every day of my life trying to be the woman he deserves to have. I am so looking forward to spending the rest of my life by his side as Mrs. Rodney E Carlock Jr.

Although little things happen each week that aren't always happy or upbeat, I have so much more to live for than I ever had realized before. So all those minor things are exactly that, minor. I won't let one thing or one person steal my happiness, I deserve that much and I intend to have it. God has continually blessed me and I am ever grateful for His love.

A new look for the new me!

Rodney recently told me his mom and his grandma commented on how different I was. In a good way. I believe he said they thought I was more sure of myself, more at home with who I am. I love it. It's so true. I used to throw myself into people faces hoping they'd believe the farce that I was ok with who I was. Maybe if I was loud enough, tough enough, brazen enough, they'd believe that I liked myself. I'm guessing people probably didn't fall for that.

Change can be hard to get started but once you get that ball rolling it's actually not that bad. Once I had made the decision to quit smoking, no seriously to quit no wishy-washy, it wasn't too bad. Besides the normal nicotine cravings which only last a few weeks, it became more of an oral fixation. Morning sickness cured me of wanting to put anything near my mouth, usually food is what I use in place of smoking. Before I knew it, months flew by and I was thinking about a million and one things, smoking the last of them. The same with drinking. Although I wasn't planning on parenting Liam and even thought of having an abortion it never crossed my mind to drink while I was pregnant.

Placing Liam was the last step in helping me to be "at home" with myself. I did a good thing. This was a new concept to me. I have been a selfish person for as long as I can remember. Even when going out of my way to help others it was for the satisfaction it gave me knowing they needed me. I wanted a baby so bad for so long. The completely selfish part of me wanted to parent Liam. To keep as mine and mine alone. I would cry sometimes at night and say to myself, well at least my sons will have to love me. But as their mother I had to love them too. My love for both Bailey and Liam made me make the right decision for us. I know it is hard for Bailey to understand he still asks about Liam, misses him, misses the idea of having a little baby brother. I don't have all the answers for him or for myself. All I can do is show him pictures of Liam with his parents, it reassures me that I made the right decision and maybe it'll help Bailey to see too.

Having become a better person by making a good decision on my own, I have fallen into a pattern of making good decisions. I have gotten and kept a wonderful job, very thankful to my VERY understanding employer. I take good care of my two boys. I am going back to school. Life is finally headed in the right direction for me. The goals I have set for myself are good, wholesome, obtainable goals. At 24 years old I have finally arrived at adulthood. Being at peace with who I am, knowing where I want to go and who I want to be. I have the most amazing family and even if my family isn't a mom and a dad, 2.5 kids, a dog and a white picket fence, it is my dream come true. Placing Liam gave me William and Julie who have helped to make me who I am today, for the better. It feels so good to know, to have some of the answers.

Although as I get older I have realized that as a child I knew very little, as a teenager I knew just about everything, as a young adult I knew it all and now I realize I know nothing at all. In the grand scheme of things I have so much more to learn and that is much more comforting to know. "Knowing it all" is a terrible burden and takes all the joy and wonder out of living. If you spend time around children a lot you come to really truly see how beautiful and wonderful the world is. A dew drop holds endless possibilities and an old shoe box is the gate-way to a whole new world.

I have changed so much and thought it was time to change my blog to include both my sons. They have equal standing in my heart and so should also on my blog! I hope you like the new look and thank you so much for your support, prayers, good vibes and all around friendship!

I've lost my marbles....

*The statements made here are just friendly advice, things I have picked up and should not be used as a diagnoses or in place of your doctors orders.

Alright so here's what I have to say. To all my people who have a mental illness, addiction, disorder and/or disability:

After you have been diagnosed, own it. It's yours more than likely for life. However, you are not your diagnosis, you are still you. But just like you may have brown hair and blue eyes you also have _____. The sooner you own it the better. I spent a lot of wasted time trying to convince myself I wasn't an addict with cigarettes, that I wasn't an alcoholic and that my bipolar really wasn't *that* bad.

Next spend a little time wallowing in self pity. Woe is me, my life sucks I have ____ and it isn't fair. You are so right, it isn't fair, life can suck. Don't wallow too long. I will tell you why next. It is good to do this part though, I think, because it is a valid feeling. Let's call it "the mourning process". Mourn the loss of "normalcy" whatever that may be.

Ok now get over it. Be done with the mourning. It sucks but you are still you and you are still in control. Don't let this dominate you. We are somewhat back to "own it". The difference being here is that this is where you come to terms with, this is for life. There is no magic solution, drink, pill, or procedure that will cure you of this. I will have alcoholism from now until the day I die, hopefully well into my 90's. I will wake up every day wanting a drink, I will fight it during the day when I see a billboard, a commercial, going to a social outing with people who drink and I will lay my head down at night wanting that one last drink. Don't lie to yourself and say, "It'll get easier." or "This can't last forever." That sets you up for failure. It doesn't get easier BUT it doesn't get any harder either. You can learn to live like this and live a happy, fulfilled life. It's not the end of the world.

Now that you own it, it doesn't own you, you have said good bye to your old life and old ways, you know this is an on going battle, here comes the hard part. Seriosuly. ASK FOR HELP! This is in all CAPS because the wonderful men in my life have a very hard time with this. I understand. We as a society have "told" men to ; suck it up, never let them see you cry, show no emotion, etc. Men are supposed to be stoic, work hard and provide for their families without complaint or ever breaking down. Yeah right. You are human beings and in case you haven't noticed women are taking over the work force and men are becoming stay at home dads, the domestic type. Ask for help. If you are having an episode or feel you need to drink pick up the nearest phone and dial 9-1-1. Alright get that look off your face. 9-1-1 is for emergencies only! Yep, and an alcoholic about to drink is a life or death situation. Call for help. Do it. A manic attack is a life or death situation, pick up the phone and call for help. I cannot tell you how many times while having a bad manic attack I have called 9-1-1. They ask, "Are you going to hurt yourself or anyone else?" and if you feel that you will tell them, "Yes!" don't hesitate, don't second guess it, be honest. If the answer is no, then tell them that but explain what the problem is. They will transfer you to a crisis hotline and you will instantly be in touch with someone trained to help you. If someone is near you that you feel comfortable with ask them for help. I have looked at Rodney many a time and said, "I really want a drink right now." That puts Rodney on the alert, it doesn't mean I need to talk or anything but now he knows I shouldn't go out alone, not even the store. Put your pride aside and ask for help.

Be honest. Be honest with yourself and with everyone else. This does not mean that you need to run the streets screaming I'm ____ but if you have been sober for a week and are proud, freaking shout it out to anyone who will listen. When speaking with your doctors, therapists, significant others be honest. Stop and think about exactly how you feel. Don't try to hold back how you feel out of embarrassment, fear that they won't understand, or frustration. Keep asking question until you understand but also LISTEN to the answer even if it is one you don't want to hear. Therapy can be painful because you will face your inner demons but afterward you will feel better.

Lastly, follow your treatment plan. If you are prescribed medication, take it. If you are taking it don't just stop taking it. EVER. That is very, very bad and can set you back a long way. I know sometimes it feels like life is good, you don't need them anymore, you have less stress in your life. You do need them and if you just stop taking them you more than likely will plummet into a deep, dark hole of depression. No good. If you want to stop taking you meds talk to your doctor before doing anything. They can ween you off, you can discuss it further, make other treatment plans, etc. Your doctors are professionals so try not to second guess their every decision. I'm not saying go into it blindly, research your doctor. However as with bipolar it is hard to make rational decisions, best left to the pros. I am personally going to attempt med free but this is with the help and support of my family, friends and doctors. No one specific treatment is right for everybody. If you doubt or don't trust your doctor, get a second opinion. Still do not quit taking your meds or go off your treatment plan while getting a second opinion.

I hope that advice helps someone. It's things I have picked up in my own battles with addiction to cigarettes, alcoholism and bipolar disorder. I battle with these thing daily and yet I am still so blessed. When I am down I just have to remind myself that there is an end to this, this too shall pass.

"O-o-oh child things are gonna get easier."

Dearest Liam,

As the months seem to whiz by at the speed of light things have gotten easier. I don't constantly feel as if a weight is laying on my chest. It is easier to breathe. However with this new found "freedom" comes guilt. How can I be so ok with this? How can it not hurt as much as it used to when I think of you? Why is my missing you not as painful? I certainly wish I had the answer.

You are growing so fast and are such a handsome boy.Sometimes while I am at work with my daycare kids I wonder, is Liam doing this yet? I wonder if he has started this yet? I bet Liam would really like that too. Sometimes it seems strange to talk about my boys. I can relate to people with children up to the age of five as far as Bailey goes. However when I talk about you I can only relate my pregnancy and your birth. Not that those things weren't equally as beautiful because they unequivocally are. The pain and the heartache and yes even the labor were so worth it.

I know that one day I will have at least one more child and I do worry how I will explain to you why I parented Bailey and that child but wasn't able to parent you. So many racial, social and economical faux pas. I worry that you will not truly know or believe just how much I love you. Adults, especially parents, understand the sacrifice I made and that I did so out of love but I worry. I worry that you will think I took the easy way out, I worry that you will think I was able to place you because I love you less. Oh, of course here come the water works. Whenever I try to convey my love to you my dearest boy I begin to cry. To think it could ever be possible for you to not know my love hurts me. More for selfish reasons I suppose because you are so loved by your parents and their family.

Your brother misses you and asks for you. When I was pregnant with you he begged me endlessly to parent you. I know he can't fully comprehend why things have happened the way they happened but I do know he loves you so very, very much. He talk about his brother Liam all the time. He loves looking at pictures of you. I cried looking at his artwork from school because he drew me pregnant in so many pictures and inside the picture of my belly he drew a little baby you.

So each day passes with it's trials and tribulations and it does get easier. But know this, no matter how much "easier" it gets deciding to place you was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And no matter what happens I will always love you and am so very proud to be your birthmother.

Love Always and Forever,
Birthmommy Heather

Hard Decisions

Today, was by far the hardest day of my life. Yes, that includes placing Liam for adoption. Placing Liam was only hard in the sense that I couldn't be selfish and keep him all to myself. I knew placing him with Julie and William that he was going to be just fine. And he is a happy, healthy baby loved by the best parents a kid could ask for. But today, oh Lord, today.

After recently having a discussion with a dear friend of mine about making the decision to circumcise baby boys I really thought making this decision for Bailey would be simple. I decided Bailey would be circumcised and he was. But this was so much different. Bailey is only 5 years old but he is a very bright little boy. I talk to him like he is an intelligent human being. Most people are surprised at how much I am willing to explain to Bailey.  We chose to not use pet names for private parts, teaching him the correct words. If he asks me why something is this way or why something does this, I tell him the truth. I don't sensor most of the stuff he listens to or watches because I'd rather him listen to it here at home where he can be taught what it means and if it is appropriate for him to say.

Anyhow, so when it came to this surgery, although the ultimate decision was up to Rodney and I, I did ask Bailey his opinion on it. I explained to him what the surgery was, what the surgeon would do and what the risks would be. He comprehended about as much as you would expect a five year old to. He asked a few questions and then said, "I want to be able to breathe." So we decided it was for the best.

Bailey was so well behaved today. The staff at Barrett Surgery Center at Cobb Hospital were absolutely wonderful. They gave him his mask and a "balloon" (the one they use for anesthesia) to practice with. The nurse asked him what scent he'd like out of a bag of flavored Chap-sticks and he chose strawberry. She rubbed the Chap-stick on the inside of the mask so it would smell good and he practiced blowing up the balloon. He showed them his muscles as they took his blood pressure. Then they got him to "steer" the bed back to the surgery room. They put him to sleep before putting his IV in so he wouldn't be in any pain.

As they wheeled him around the corner it took everything in me not to burst into tears. I didn't want to be rooms away from him with locked doors between us. I didn't like the feeling that gave me. The nurses were so good and kept us updated, telling us what to expect next and when. I still managed to work up a headache worrying about him. Finally after what seemed like forever to me the surgeon came out and took us to a private room to tell us that the surgery went just fine. They removed his adenoids which were apparently huge and did a procedure on his nasal cavity to enlarge it giving him more room to breathe and less problems with allergies.

Another 20 minutes creeps by and they finally say one parent could go back to be with him. Rodney graciously allowed his over worried mommy to go be with him. They warned me that he had woken up in a panic so they gave him something to settle him until I could be with him. I was led back to a tiny room where my precious angel lay sleeping like I had never sleep before. His eyes were slick and his moth was agape. It was terribly emotional. I sat on the edge of the chair next to his bed and began rubbing his arm and back. He woke up panicked again until he became coherent enough to realize I was there. I assured him I wasn't going anywhere and he could sleep if he wanted to. He drifted back off into a more peaceful sleep. I finally allowed myself to cry then holding my baby's little hand.

It's hard to believe he is five when my heart still tells me he is my little baby boy. I don't know that my heart will ever register his actual age and that's just fine. I was so relieved to have him back with me holding him and comforting him. He woke again worried because he couldn't breathe through his nose and his throat hurt. I gave him so pain medicine and his apple juice. He started to calm down and look around at everything. He was greatly concerned with his IV and wanted it taken out. I told him I understood that and explained what the IV was and why he needed it. That seemed to help settle that issue with him although it still was sore to him. We finally were moved into his discharge room where his daddy and grandma met us. Bailey was finally back to his old self.

We have been home since about 10:30 this morning and he is definitely back to being his normal self. I can't imagine how much fun it will be for Rodney to try to keep him in bed tomorrow. I know tomorrow will be difficult for me returning to work while Bailey is still recovering but at least he will be home with his daddy. I love that son of mine more than I ever thought possible. I honestly never thought my heart could hold that much love. Today, allowing them to wheel my baby away from me to perform surgery on him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am so very proud of my big boy and just feel so blessed to have him in my life. He makes me a better person everyday.

I miss you.

We have a little boy in our daycare who is small for his age. Not underfed or unhealthy, just a petite boy. He allows us to snuggle him for long periods of time. Today he was a little restless when I tried to snuggle him and I almost wanted to cry. He has fair hair and fair skin, in that way he reminds me of Liam. He is tiny like Liam was the last time I saw him. I snuggle with this boy and it helps me to reconcile the loss of my ability to snuggle Liam. I imagine myself holding him, what it would have been like to parent him. What would my reactions have been to his milestones.

I didn't placed Liam because I doubted my ability to raise him. I placed him to protect him from what I perceived to be a bad situation with his birth father. The thought of being forced to send my child into a trailer shared by his grandparents, being surrounded by cigarette smoke day and night. It killed me. I wouldn't trust Liam's birth-father with my pet rock much less a child. Sometimes I find myself very angry with Liam's birth-father because I feel like he put my through this. Some days I feel like I did lose a child. It makes me happy to see him to healthy and happy with his parents. But some days I just miss my son.

I want to hold him and kiss him. But even that can be awkward. He bonded with his parents really well, which is absolutely fantastic. But I just feel weird when I hold him, like I don't have it in me to comfort him. Like I am holding him wrong or I am too tense. It's so strange because I have the capacity to hold the children we care for at the daycare and too soothe them with no problems. How can it be that I am so lost with the child I brought in to this world. What if I am always this awkward around him? Will he notice? Will he think I don't love him? I think it is partly due to the fact that he so much resembles his birth-father to me. It's painful some times to see that innocent face and still see Geoffrey in it.

I am getting my IUD tomorrow and although I know I can have it removed it seems so final. It's almost like proof positive that I won't be having a baby of my own any time soon. I think that is why I have been having nightmares the past few nights. Part of me is scared to do this. I am afraid it means we will keep putting off having another baby until it's too late. Or what if something goes wrong with the IUD and I become sterile? I would be devastated. I cannot imagine not being able to have another child. I know how selfish that sounds. I have had two beautiful, healthy children, who could ask for more? Me. Ever since I had Bailey I knew I wanted more children. My oldest son will be six in October. I never planned for there to be such a gap between my kids. How much longer will I have to wait? Who knows I will just keep praying about it. Until then I will just keep snuggling on the babies at work. They love me and I love them. :)

"Mrs. Hogwallop up and R-U-N-N-O-F-T. "

Well I warned you it may be a little bit before I posted again. I was right too, wasn't I?

So this past Saturday I ran/walked my first race ever. I did the Chamblee 5K. I actually completed it! I was able to finish it in 46 minutes and 52 seconds. As I started off there was a group of people walking behind me. I sped walked and jogged on and off. Then I got a stitch in my side right after the first mile, 14 minutes in. A guy came up behind me looking about 15 months pregnant (not a typo the dude had a huge gut), then he passed me. How very depressing, then an older couple came up next. Finally two women, one with a stroller came up along side me. They were the very last people. We came to an intersection where they were holding up traffic for us. A cop on a motorcycle came up beside us and said, "Come ladies let's do this!" So the three of us jogged across the intersection and once we crossed the cop sounded his siren in celebration for us. I sped up not wanting to be stuck with the mom team and the stroller. I caught up with the guy who looked very pregnant. We started to go down hill and were getting close to the finish line. I burst into tears sobbing. I thought to myself, "I cannot be last damn it!" I thought about all that I had lost and gave up this past year. All the sacrifices I made out of love for my sons, for the love of my life, for my family. This is the ONE good thing I have done for myself. I quit smoking for Liam and I quit drinking for Liam, I stayed quit for Bailey and Rodney. But this, this running, it is mine. I do this for ME. I took off down the hill and pregnant guy says to me, "Yeah I am trying to just walk it I had surgery on a hernia last year so I haven't worked out for 8 months." So I looked at him and smiled, "I just gave birth two months ago yesterday, so I am in the same boat." He looked shocked and then said, "Well good luck!" So I began power walking again. I came around the corner and saw my mom coming to meet me. She said, "Come on, let's run it out the rest of the way." So I did. I honestly didn't think I had anything left in me. I was beat but seeing that finish line I had to go for it. I ran. I full out ran. My lungs were burning, my legs were jelly but damn it I made it. That was the best feeling I have had in the longest time. It took everything in me not to burst into tears. I CANNOT wait to do it again.

That night we went bowling with my mom and her boyfriend to celebrate Rodney's 27th birthday. It was SO nice to bowl again. I actually bowled over a hundred again which I hadn't done in so long. I was so sore from running but it was nice to get out and socialize. It was good to see that I could resist the temptation to drink. Usually when we bowl or go out at all I drink Obviously when I was pregnant with Liam I couldn't do that and it was easy to say, "No." because I was looking out for Liam. Having come so far and having learned to love myself again, I can say, "No." for me now. I love myself enough to not have that drink. It felt SO good!

Sunday we all got up and went to church which was nice. My feet were killing me though because my dumb self decided to wear three inch heels after having run that race the day before. >< We spent most of the day with my soon-to-be in-laws. Rodney's mom and I have not always gotten along but I think that I have changed so much for the better that we were able to actually communicate really well. I had a GREAT time hanging out with her, she had me laughing so hard at times. She had started a roast before we got there and I made Shepherds pie per Rodney's request. Donna, Rodney's mom, had never had Shepherd's Pie but she loved it! I was so glad. She asked me how my race went and said she wanted to be at the finish line to cheer me on for the next one. That meant so much to me. Then my big brother, Rodney's little brother Eric, showed up. It was really nice to hear him bragging about me on the phone to a friend of ours. I am so proud of Eric he has taken up some sort of martial arts training. It sounds really intense and I am so proud of him for sticking with it. He is planning to race as well, hopefully Rodney will start racing with us. He will probably blow us all away when he does start considering that is what he did in High School. He still has runner's legs.

Anyhow, life is good. I love my job and my employer. She has to be the most thoughtful person I have ever worked for. She makes me feel good about myself. I find that I have started surrounding myself with happy, positive and uplifting people. Thus my life is happier, more positive and definitely uplifted! I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who are so supportive and believing of me! 

6 weeks

Ok so Friday was 6 weeks, 6 weeks since I had given birth to Liam. I kept expecting a melt down or something to happen because 6 weeks is a big milestone. I remember taking Bailey to his 6 week check-up it was a big deal and all. I had no terrible feelings, I didn't get sad or angry. It was just a normal day.

I went to my postpartum check-up. The nurse who took all my vitals and my urine sample begin asking me questions; when did I deliver, who delivered the baby, what was his name, how much did he weigh, how much does he weigh now. I gave her all the info and then with the last question I said, "I believe his mom said he weighed 9 lbs at his  month check up." She says, "His mom?" "Yes, I place him for adoption." I say. "Oh, are you doing ok?" "Yeah, no, really I'm fine" I answer. I feel like I have to reassure people that I'm not going to burst into tears it's almost like I have to be defensive in my affirmation that I am indeed doing just fine. She goes on to ask if I am taking vitamins and I tell her, "Yes, I'm still taking prenatals because I am pumping and donating to the baby." The baby? Why'd I say that? I wanted to say "to my son" but I thought she'd be confused, how do I refer to him to people? Hm.

The check up went fine, I am anemic again but that happens fairly often to me, as much spinach and collard greens as I eat it's hard to believe I could ever have a low iron count but I do. My thyroid glands are swollen, again as well. I had blood work drawn for that as well as for the normal tests they run on your blood when going to these visits. Apparently everything is "back in the right place" as my midwife put it. I am just waiting for the all clear on getting an IUD and am so ready to do that. I had a depo shot at the hospital after having Liam but the IUD is long term and just may get rid of my lovely monthly visitor.

As I was leaving I went by the check out desk and handed them my paper work. The lady says to me, "Where's the baby?" and so I told her, "I placed him for adoption." "OH MY GAWD! I am SOOOOO sorry!" she wails. Once again I felt myself reassuring a stranger that it was perfectly ok, no need to say sorry, no really I am fine, it's ok. She says "sorry" a couple of more times before I leave. By this point I am ready to strangle her. Why do I have to make you feel better for saying something stupid. Just let it go, it really didn't hurt my feelings. I hate that people tell me they are "sorry". Sorry for what? It's like the way you tell someone you are sorry for their loss when a family member dies. My son didn't die, I placed him in a loving home. I didn't lose anything, I gained two more family members. Please don't tell me you are sorry.

It's like people have this preconceived notion of how adoption goes and how you should react. I have to say I am one of those people but I am really trying to get better at it. After speaking with a fellow Atlanta birthmother or First Mother as she prefers to be called, I realized that I was doing that too. She parented her son for a while before placing him and I made some reference along the lines of "it must have been hard". >< Such a stupid thing to say, why didn't I ASK her how she felt about it. If I had I would have learned that she was actually really happy that she had been able to parent him for as long as she did. She is such a beautiful person and I truly admire her for her courage and her honesty. I do need to learn that adoption much like anything to do with parenting is not a "one size fits all" deal. What may work for one may not work for another and vice versa. My preconceived notions are not only offensive but ignorant.

That's about it for now, I am going back to work tomorrow. Going back full-time which means less time to update until I get the swing of things. I have to learn how to juggle being a mom, working full time, my goals for running and continuing to pump. I do all of this gladly but it may mean that until I do get into the swing of it again you will hear from me less. I will try to keep everyone updated as much as possible though. ;)

Some days are just harder than others.

Some days I really just hate having bipolar disorder. I went into the kitchen to heat up some tomato soup and to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich. I put the sandwich in the skillet butter side down. I then went to my computer to look up the balance on my card. When I went back into the kitchen I had burnt one whole side of the sandwich so I flipped and thought, "Screw it I'll just eat one side burnt." Well then I tried to flip it to check how cooked it was and it was stuck to the pan despite the butter. I lost it, I had a very serious bipolar moment when I wanted to pull my hair out and scream and kick and cry all at the same time. It's not fair. I had to just toss out everything and eat the soup by itself. It shouldn't be this hard to do normal things. I hate that there are days where one thing happens and it throws everything off. A grilled cheese sandwich shouldn't be able to throw of my entire day but now it has. Now I am in that zone, everything is irritating me, my hair is in a pony tail and I can feel it swishing against my neck which is upsetting me, my skin feels itching and I just feel out of sorts. The day started of so well and now I just want to lay in bed with book, I don't want anyone to talk to me in person or to touch me, especially don't touch me. Poor Rodney never knows what to do when I am like this because you are supposed to hold someone when they feel bad but the last thing I want is for anyone to touch me, my skin is crawling as it is. I can be a big girl and hide it and push through it, I have plenty of times at work and no one has known the difference except that maybe I am a little off. But since that just lengthens how long I feel like this and since I am at home, I am just going to let it do it's thing. I just wish that I wasn't like this. I can't tell you how many times I have start a load of laundry and then they get moldy because I forget about it. I have to hold myself to a strict schedule. This is why I work so well with children, things are repetitive enough in a broad since without becoming mundane. No medicine I have ever taken has helped with this feeling either, they usually just make it worse. ><

You can call me...

I have been thinking about titles lately. A few people have asked me if I plan to go to AA and I kind of skirt the question. I don't want to pull a Charlie Sheen and have people thinking I am crazy because I just don't like AA. No I don't have my own "program" nor do I claim to like Charlie Sheen. The reason I hate AA is for this simple reason and you will probably think it's stupid but trust me I will explain. At AA you must stand up in front of a group of people and say "Hi, my name is Heather and I am an alcoholic." Yeah, yeah the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Alcoholism is a disease, it's a little bigger than a "problem". I think it is absolute crap that I have to label myself an alcoholic in a room full of strangers. Trust me I understand the point of taking ownership, being responsible, etc. But do we make people with diseases introduce themselves by their disease. NO! In fact it is WRONG! We are taught that it is not ok to say, "That autistic boy Aaron." Why? Because autism isn't who Aaron is. No instead we say, "That boy Aaron who has autism." I have alcoholism. I have bipolar. I also don't "suffer" from these things. That's another thing I hate, "Heather suffers from alcoholism."  There are so many other titles, so many other things that I AM. So let me stand up and say, "Hi, my name is Heather and I am a mother, a birth mother, a friend, an artist, a Christian, a lover, a sister, a daughter, a companion, a dancer, a worker, a care giver, and a provider." Alcohol doesn't control me, it isn't who I am. So no I may not go to AA meeting, I may not join support groups but that is because I have my own personal support group, all of you! My friends and family! Thank to all of you for all of your support. So you can call me, Heather I am a mother, a birth mother, a friend, an artist, a Christian, a lover, a sister, a daughter, a companion, a dancer, a worker, a care giver, and a provider.

Somebodies Hero!

I have come to realize that I want to do more. I always knew I wanted to do something, something great. Leave my mark on the world kind of thing. My daddy always told me I could be anything, I wanted very badly to be a superhero or a cowgirl or even sometimes a ninja. I wanted to help people. Ok so why have I had so much trouble for years deciding what my "calling" should be? Because there are so many superhero fields in this world, policeman, fireman, doctors, nurses, teachers, etc. If I didn't have a family I would be a policeman or a fireman (woman?) but I have to come home to Bailey every night. Not to say that I think any less of policemen or firemen parents, it's just a personal choice of mine. I have a seriously strong gag reflex so doctor or nurse is totally out of it. So that leaves a teacher.

I always thought in order to be a teacher you had to be sugary sweet and bubbly. I know that doesn't make sense because I, too, had those strict, hard-ass teachers but not until I got to middle school. And even though I work with younger children mostly, because well older kids can generally look after themselves, I always knew I wanted to work with teens. So after seeing all these bubbly women who were in school to become teachers, I thought well that definitely isn't me. Don't get me wrong I can be goofy and playful but my teaching style is firm. I am definitely a no-nonsense kind of person, I expect a lot out of my pupils and in return they give me so much more because we BOTH know they can do it.

I get the greatest satisfaction working with children. I actually feel very accomplished after a day of working with them. So, I have decided I am going to go back to school to learn how to teach. I am very excited and I know that I can do a lot of good, I can be somebodies hero. But it doesn't end there. I want to do MORE! I want to be an advocate to people who need someone in their corner, to be a voice for those who cannot speak. I mean that literally. I am thinking of taking Sign Language classes to learn to work with people with hearing or speech disabilities.  But again it doesn't end there, as some of you already know I have been running/walking/jogging like crazy trying to get ready for these marathons. I want to be a marathon runner, I want to win a marathon, at least one. Lastly, I want to be an advocate for open adoption. As many of you know I have had the best experience with open adoption. Don't sit me down to ask me about open adoption because I will talk you to death. All of these goals combined, might to you, seem overly ambitious but to me they are not. I want to live a full life helping others. I want to leave this world better than I found it. I want to know that I changed one persons life for the better. So in becoming a teacher, working with the deaf or speech challenged, running marathons to raise money and awareness and being an advocate for open adoption all give me the best opportunity to do just that.

So if you want to help, if any of those things interest you, if you have any insight, advice, warnings, or otherwise please don't ever hesitate to shoot me an email, FB message me, hit me up on twitter, hell even pick up the phone and call. Even if you just need someone to talk to, someone who will shut the hell up and listen (it's hard to believe as much as I talk that I am an excellent listener but I actually am) please call me, write me, etc. If I can help you in anyway never hesitate to let me know.

Going back to school...

Going through this process of trying to get back into school got me thinking today. Well, I mean, thinking in a different direction. I do think on occasion... So yeah, can you believe that we are supposed to do all this at 17 or 18 years of age? My God, the amount of stuff you need is crazy. No wonder so many kids get sucked into making bad school choices, student loan decisions, credit cards, etc. I'm seriously pretty thankful that I got pregnant at 18 and am going back to school at 24. I would say I did it the opposite way or the wrong way but I don't think that is really true. So many woman have to make the choice, children or career. I don't think there is a wrong way to do it. Obviously you should have the financial stability but what is considered the "norm" has changed so much in child rearing. Gay parents, lesbian parents, unmarried parents, single moms, single dads, adoptive parents, birth-parents, step-parents, the list goes on.

I wouldn't have done this any other way despite the struggles. I KNOW that their is no way I could be as successful as an 18 year old going into college as I will be a 24 year old going into college. I wouldn't recommend to anyone that they should have a baby first or have a baby at 18, don't get me wrong. However, God put me on this path for a reason and I am starting to understand why. I love being a young mom and I love that my parents are young Grandparents! I think being a parent has matured me to the level I need to be at to truly appreciate this education I am about to receive. I got my GED in December of 2006 a year and two months after having Bailey. I was SO happy to be back in class and so ready to learn. That year and a half of real world had whooped my behind and handed it back to me.

I am also really happy at the thought that I will only be 36 years old when Bailey turns 18. Yep, that's right 36 baby. I will probably have at least on more child after him but my nest will more than likely be empty by the time I am 45! I love that, Rodney and I will still be in our prime, able to walk around the house naked as a Jay bird. That will also make us young Grandparents, although Bailey better be well and done with college before he ever thinks about bringing a child into this world or he will have me to contend with. Do as I say not as I do, you know how it is.

So yeah all in all I am very excited to go back to school. I am planning to go all the way and get my Ph.D. I would love to be a High School Lit teacher or a Reading Specialist. I thought about maybe teaching Art but with the way they keep cutting extracurricular funding I just don't see that being a good idea. Which is very sad, some of the best teachers I had besides my Lit teachers were my Art teachers. They had a real passion for what they were doing and who they were working with. I'm also looking forward to Bailey being able to see me work hard at school,  I hope that instills some good work ethic in him. Lord, please don't let him follow in my previous academic footsteps.

Lastly I want to thank you to every person who has supported me along the way, through thick and thin. You probably have no idea how much your words of encouragement have helped to pick me back up when I had fallen down. So thank you all so very, very much!

Do not ask why, instead ask why not?

I feel like I need to write about pumping, not how I pump, how often I pump or why pumping is good for me and for Liam. Instead about WHY I pump and again this isn't about why it is good for me and for Liam.

In 2005 the world according to Heather stopped revolving around Heather and began revolving around Bailey. My entire existence became about Bailey. I know those of you who aren't parents hate hearing this and you may disagree but I promise you something chemically happens inside of you and you cannot know what it is like until you are a parent. Not meaning you have to give birth to a child because then no dad on earth would know it but to have a child completely dependent upon you for everything it needs and to have your entire life revolve around them. Before I gave birth to Bailey I had never loved someone outside of my immediate family the way that I loved Rodney. I was totally dependent on him, not just financially but emotionally. He was the Yin to my Yang. I am not saying that he isn't still so today but once I had Bailey I knew that my love for Bailey surpassed anything else I had every experienced. Just the thought of him being hurt in anyway would literally hurt me, my throat would close up and my chest would ache. I just knew that I was in love in a way that only being a parent can bring about.

I was surprised to find when I got pregnant with Liam how much I despised him at first. I was so angry that I was pregnant, it was ruining everything. I hated that I was constantly throwing up. I was full of contempt for this baby and even contemplated having an abortion. My love for him did not happen over night, I tried to squash it, I tried to hide, I tried to ignore it. It wasn't until I began looking at potential adoptive parents that I realized how far gone I already was. I balled my eyes out and my heart ached, my lungs burned, my throat closed up. I was certain it was the hormones of being pregnant. I even reassured Rodney that it was just hormones, no biggie. I lied to myself and Rodney. I am one of those mothers who is fiercely protective of her kids. My love for Liam is equal to the love I have for Bailey. I never thought that would be possible because of my love for Rodney. I was certain that because I loved Rodney and hated Liam's birth father that Bailey would have the upper hand. That is not so. Never ask me to choose between my boys because I'd rather take my own life. There is nothing in this world I would not do for either of them.

I feel like people skirt around my pumping for Liam and/or the entire adoption process. It's like they are trying to pretend things are back to normal. Well I have a new normal now. My normal may not be the same as your normal and it certainly wasn't the normal that I had planned for but I wouldn't trade my new normal for anything in the world. I wouldn't go back and not get pregnant with Liam. I am so glad that I had him, I am so glad I was able to spend 10 months getting to know him and love him. I have built a maternal bond with him. So why do I pump? Because I am his birth mother. My love for him didn't stop when he went with is mommy and daddy, no it grew. It grew as he grew, it grew with my love for his mommy and daddy. I provide for him in a way that a mother should because it brings me peace, it allows me to provide something to him because there is so much I could not provide him. It makes placing him in a loving home easier for me because I know I am doing my part. That I didn't just pass the buck and walk away. I am able to DO something for my son and that means I am a good birth mother. So don't ask why as a birth mother I donate to Liam ask why not? I love him just as I love Bailey and just as I will love all the children I ever bring into this world. I enjoy looking at his pictures, they do not make me sad. They make me thankful, they make me feel better having proof that he is safe, that he is loved and that I did right by him.

So do not be afraid to ask. Do not be afraid to wonder, to discuss, to mention him to me. Do not be afraid to mention babies, pregnant women, etc. I am so thankful for Liam and nothing you say or ask or do is going to change that, ever. Knowledge is power so again, do not be afraid to ask for I will answer.

And the wheel, she keeps on a turning.

So I haven't updated in a while. Although, I think about things I would like to write through out the week, it just seems they don't get written.

I just finished pumping and was pretty upset at myself because I only pumped a half an ounce total. I have never pumped so little. I know why I only pumped that half an ounce. I let my weekends throw my pumping schedule all off. I allow social obligations to screw with my schedule. Not to say that I shouldn't have a social life but that I need to be more firm in my decision to pump every two hours for fifteen minutes. Pumping is very important to me and I feel like I have been allowing myself to push back the times that I pump so as not to inconvenience anyone else. Unfortunately I am just going to have to stand firm in my decision and the people that I hang out with will either understand or they won't.

I feel like I have been pretty irritable on and off this last week. I think the headaches that I have been having on and off daily for the past two weeks has something to do with it. Little things are bothering me and I don't want them to. It reminds me of when I drank and smoked. I want to remain calm. I think maybe I just need to get out of the house and hang out with someone besides just Bailey and Rodney. Not that I don't love them dearly but I need some me time. Even when I am in the house all day long I am focused on making sure the house is clean for them, cleaning up after them, preparing meals for them and doing their laundry. So by the time that they get home I have already given all my energy to them and they still want more because they don't realize how much I have already given. In a way I am looking forward to going back to work just so that I can get away from having to do all that all day long. I will be able to share the work load with Rodney.

Baby Lamb turned a month old on last Friday, my how time flies! I was able to view some updated photos of him that his mommy posted on Picasa. They were absolutely beautiful. His hair is turning more and more strawberry blond every time I see a new picture. I think it is so awesome because it looks so much like his mommy's hair! He still has those big bright blue eyes that I find so fascinating. Bailey's have always been that beautiful chocolate brown. His mommy told me he had a check up on his one month birthday and he weighed  9lbs 5oz. I like to think my donating the breast milk has helped with that, so I like to think anyway. :)

Money is tight as always and I just keep praying for a miracle. It feels like we are starting over from scratch which is disappointing. I won't begin to tell you our financial troubles, just suffice it to say they suck. Thank God, Bailey isn't old enough to realize how broke we really are. After speaking with my employer today about the possibility of me going back to school though I am feeling a bit more optimistic. She informed me that Chattahoochee Tech's courses are cheap enough to be covered by the Pell Grant and Hope Grant which I qualify for. I think I might have to just go back sooner and make it happen. I can't be on my way to 25 and still be living like this.

My walking daily has been thrown for a loop because the ghetto people who live in my neighborhood have taken the little magnet that you have to have to use the treadmill. Not having the right shoes for walking or running outside I have started walking inside to one of my tapes. It's not really the same though. I am thinking of just taking one of my refrigerator magnets down to the gym and seeing if that works. My not running might have something to do with my grouchiness too.

I think that is about it, other than those minor things we are doing well. Life goes on, the wheel keeps on turning and I keep handing these problems of mine to God who in turn sorts them out for me.

I have learned that sacrificing things for my loved ones is not a bad thing, in fact it feels pretty darn good. Yesterday Rodney and I had an argument, big deal, right? We usually resolve our arguments or disagreement pretty quickly. By the time Rodney get's home from work we are not mad anymore. Yesterday, however, we were both still pretty upset when he got home. Rodney's computer desk is in our closet because it is a HUGE walk-in closet that connects to the bedroom and the bathroom. The closet door that leads to the bedroom doesn't close though because Rodney has his pull up bar installed there to work-out. Well I guess he was mad enough that he wanted to close me out because he tried his damnedest to get that bar down, it would have been comical if we both had not been so angry still.

I decided I would go to the gym and work off my anger. It worked, I felt great when I got back home. Unfortunately my working out did not get rid of Rodney's anger. I took a shower, mostly because I had just sweat everywhere but also to give Rodney some more time to cool off. Nope, he was still angry. So I decided to go to the store, I asked Rodney if he wanted anything. He said, "No". Rodney is a man of few words to most people, I am not most people though and he can talk me to death. When he starts giving me one word answers things are bad. I went to the store and picked up a few things I needed for myself. However, the reason I was there was to pick up a peace offering to give to Rodney. The way to a man's heart is indeed through his stomach. I had already made his favorite dish, Shepherds Pie and his favorite drink, my sweet tea. It was time to break out the big guns. I bought him Slimjims, Chips Ahoy! Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies (Yuck! My least favorite.) and his ultimate favorite Gardetto's Roasted Garlic Rye Chips (which are hard to find but somehow my ghetto Ingles carries them).

I brought them all back to Rodney, I showed him the cookies and he grunted. I showed him the Gardetto's and he tried to hide his surprise and then I showed him the Slimjims and he cautiously took them from me and began eating them. Before long, we were laughing and joking. I don't feel like I was wrong in our argument yesterday, but I don't usually feel like I am wrong or I wouldn't argue my point. However, is it more important for me to win? No. Sometimes it's ok to say sorry even when you don't think you are wrong, just because it will help to smooth things over. It is ok to make a peace offering. Sometimes I am the one who does this and other times it is Rodney. I have learned with Rodney it is best to show him you care or that you are sorry than to tell him. Hence, the food. Rodney knows that if I go to the store and I bring him back something it means he was on my mind, the fact that I brought back three somethings means I couldn't stop thinking about him. If we hadn't cut off his soda drinking I would have brought him back that too. I love him with all my heart and I am ok with saying I am sorry even when I am not wrong. He is worth it to me. :D

I woke up with a very surreal feeling this morning. I kind of feel like that is how I am describing most of my feelings lately, surreal. The past three nights I have had some weird adoption dreams. The first night I dreamed that I was having a baby and placing it for adoption but this was after I had already had Liam and he had been placed with his parents. In the dream I had already had the baby and there were two women there with kids around them. They were potential adopting mothers. One lady already had my baby in a baby carrier and was acting as though the baby was already hers. The other lady looked upset about this. I was distraught but couldn't seem to say anything. My biological mother was there suddenly and I kept saying, "This isn't how it was with Liam, I don't understand!" It was very disturbing. I don't really remember the second dream except that I woke with the same kind of feelings. Last night I dreamed Rodney and I were at my old high school, Chamblee, at a football game. We were way above the players though, it was like they were in a pit. I ran into my friend, Shelby, who was holding a brand new baby, except that I knew it was my baby. She kept walking away from me though and I kept following her trying to understand why she had my baby. Again very disturbing.

Yesterday Liam's mommy sent me some pictures of us and Liam, wow, I looked terrible in those. Liam looked angry but his mom looked so peaceful and happy. I keep trying to imagine how she feels about Liam, about me, about being a new mom, etc. To really feel it myself, imagining trying to get pregnant for so long with no success, going through the process of being eligible to adopt, speaking with birth mother, finally matching, finally signing all the paper work and being able to take her baby boy home. I can only begin to imagine how all of that must feel. It helps me to deal with my own feelings. She also sent me the video of Liam's birth. Again, it was so surreal. I wasn't sure how I would feel about watching it. It was a bit emotional hearing myself make those almost animal like moans. It was amazing to hear and watch it from a different perspective though. I don't remember hearing half of what was actually said on the video. It was amazingly quick too, I remember it being pretty fast during the process. So much quicker than Bailey was. I felt kind of needy yesterday and really just wanted Rodney to come home. His family came into town yesterday though so he and Bailey stayed late at work to see them. I was angry with Rodney still when he came home. I am learning to let the little things go though. I can't afford to spend time being angry over the little things.

Today is so yucky and rainy but I am determined to exercise. I have been eating more than I probably should so I cut back today. Calorie counting and exercising to get ready to run. It will be nice to run again, I haven't really ran since I played Volleyball back in high school. I used to love to run the feel of the wind in my hair, the burning in my legs and lungs as I pushed myself further. I am looking forward to becoming an athlete again. I would like to set an example of healthy living for Bailey. Not that he is anywhere near fat but he is an indoor, video game geek. It is past time that he got his behind outdoors, at his age I was always playing outside. So hopefully I can get myself a bike and Bailey and I can go bike some of the local trails together, who knows we may even get Rodney to go to. :D

I am a good person.

Liam went home with his mommy on Friday. Saying goodbye to them before they left was hard but I managed to hold it together. Poor Liam was fussy which thus far was out of character for him. He has been much like Bailey was as a baby, good and quite. Only crying when needing something and even then the cry only lasted a short while. I was so impressed at how quickly he was able to calm himself down. He seems able to reassure himself very quickly. I give credit to his mom and dad who have provided him with so much support and love from the moment he entered this world. It has to help him knowing that his loving parents are right there ready to help him with whatever he may need. I have also been so impressed at how alert he has been. The amount of time he spends with his eyes open, lifting his head to look around and cooing at his mommy already is so amazing.

Saturday was hard for me, I felt like I had lost not just Liam but his mommy and daddy too. They had become such a huge part of my life. I was almost at a loss as to what to do with myself. I kept pumping so I could feel like I was doing something productive with myself. Since having my son Bailey, I have been a mother. For the most part all that I do revolves around being a mother. I work to provide for my son, I clean for him, I cook for him, even the movies I pick out are usually for him. He is getting to the age where he is not interested in hanging out with mommy. I was able to handle that during my pregnancy because I was focused on the baby. I was eating for the baby, exercising for the baby, planning for the baby, etc. Now that Liam has gone home all I really wanted was to hold Bailey. He is a sweet boy and allowed me to a few times this weekend. The poor boy is probably sick of me, being five years old he has a lot he wants to do that does not involve a weepy mother.

I put pictures of Liam and his mommy and daddy on my cell phone to look at when I am pumping or when I am missing them most. Yesterday was a lethargic day for the most part. I almost felt like I was in a fog that I couldn't shake. We went to my mom's house yesterday and on the way home Rodney looked at me and said, "I love you baby." and I burst into tears. I really couldn't tell you why. I don't feel like I am sad or depressed really until I suddenly start crying for no reason. Poor Rodney keeps asking me what is wrong and I sit there crying, shaking my head, telling him, "I don't know" or "Nothing." I think when I tell him "Nothing" it aggravates him most but I don't know how to talk to him about how I am feeling. We had a really hard time a  few years ago when I got baby fever really bad. I would cry all the time especially when we were intimate with one another. He would ask me what was wrong and so I would tell him but at the time we had agreed that having a baby wasn't a good decision because we were not financially in a good place. Unfortunately my head had not gotten through to my heart that now was not the time to want a baby. It caused a huge rift between Rodney and I.

I am afraid that will happen again because I can't explain to Rodney how I am feeling just like I couldn't then. I wish I could fast forward to the part where Rodney and I are married and trying to conceive. I know that right now even though a baby is what I want, have wanted for the past nearly three years, it is not the answer. I need to get back to work, get in shape, get a car, and get a house. The problem I think I am having is that at least with being pregnant with Liam I could count down the months until my goal was reached. How do I work with an undetermined amount of time before I can have a baby with Rodney? I don't know that it would have been any easier to place Liam had I not already been planning to get pregnant with Rodney last year. Right now it feels pretty painful because we so desperately wanted to have a baby.

I have some marathons coming up that I really need to be training for so today I will allow myself to be weepy on and off. But tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. Liam is fine, he is safe and he is happy. I am a good birthmother. Bailey is fine, he too is safe and is happy. I am a good mother. Rodney is fine, he is safe and he is happy. I am a good wife-to-be. I pray daily and ask forgiveness, I am a good daughter. I, too, am safe and I am happy, I am very proud of myself, I am a good person.

"...So you will excuse me, if I do not say good bye..."

I will start this entry with a quote from Babylon 5 that seems appropriate:

"When I was first assigned to Babylon 5, I had to learn to speak several languages: Drazi, Brakiri, Centauri, and of course English - the human language of commerce. Some words have always come easier to me, than others. One of the most difficult words for me was good bye. There is no corresponding word for good bye in Minbari. All our partings contain, within them, the possibility of meeting again in other places, in other times, in other lives. So you will excuse me, if I do not say good bye. Our souls are a part of this place, our hopes, the foundation of our future. And we will pass this way again." 
- Delenn: "Objects at Rest"

So, I am a little sad that Liam and his parents are having to return home. Of course I am also so excited for them. I can only imagine how ready they are to get back home with their brand new baby boy! Liam's daddy had to leave today so we all met up for lunch yesterday. He came up to my apartment afterwards to grab the milk I had pumped for Liam. It was so weird saying goodbye, Liam's parents have been such an huge part of my life for the past two months. It is like I cannot remember what my life was like before they were apart of it. Liam's daddy said it wasn't goodbye but a see you later. He also told me thank you before he left and I said no problem. I felt like a big dummy because what I had really wanted to say was no thank you! So I did in a message on facebook. He replied with a lovely message back but this part in particular really impacted me:


"I am so proud and honored to be Liam's daddy - to be the daddy for this beautiful boy you've made. I love him so much - I loved him the second he was born and I will spend the rest of my life being the best father I can possibly be for him. I will do everything I can to make sure he has the best life possible and that he is surrounded by love and that he grows up to be the man you want him to be and he will always know you and how amazing your are. You have given *us* the best gift ever."


 Being a daddy's girl daddies are important to me. Not to play down how important mommies are but I think we forget how important a good male role model is. I honestly couldn't imagine a better one for Liam. His daddy is a good man and those are hard to find nowadays. His mommy and daddy have a good relationship, the way that the mesh is truly inspirational. It is very obvious that they are soul-mates. I will miss all three of them when they return home but know we will be in touch. Again I am so excited that they are going to be able to take their precious baby boy home soon. 


On a related note Bailey and I had a conversation about family today. When Rodney and I discussed my placing my baby up for adoption I think we were both under the impression that I wouldn't have any contact with the baby. That I'd know who his parents were and they would know how to contact me but that would be it. I never really thought about talking to Bailey about his half-brother. Since meeting Liam's parents things have changed. I explained to Bailey that Liam was my second baby. Liam is his half-brother even though he has a different mommy and daddy. It will be a while yet until he fully understands but I want to make sure I show him pictures of Liam and say, "Look at your brother Liam, he is getting so big!" Bailey calls him Baby "Lamb". I wrote out William for him and then took away the Wil part to show him that the baby's name is Liam but it still comes out Lamb. I think that is a good nic-name though. Bailey says it fits because he is a baby and a lamb is a baby sheep. As Bailey reminded me we are the sheep and our Lord is the shepherd, so he can go on calling him baby Lamb all he likes as far as I am concerned. 


So things are going well. Emotionally I have probably never been better. Although sometimes I am sad because I miss Liam or because I realize he and his parents are going home, I am ok with that. It is a new experience for me because I used to drown my sadness in alcohol. For the first time in a long time I am facing my feelings, thinking them through, allowing them to happen to me and then they pass. The sadness is so much less than when I used to get drunk because eventually you sober up and the sadness comes on stronger and becomes depression. So you drink again only more and it becomes a vicious cycle. During the day I talk to Rodney via Gchat and I will tell him I am sad or I am happy or I am anxious. It is good to have a man in my life who can handle all that emotional baggage. I really am blessed and I thank God every day for blessing me over and over again.

So although I am sad to see Liam and his parents go, that too shall pass. I will see them again sooner than I know. Time flies when you have children, I should know, it seems like only yesterday that Bailey was that age. Now I have a five year old running around measuring everything in our house with a tape measure. I love you baby Lamb and I love you baby Lamb's mommy and daddy. I will see you guys soon!