Wednesday, December 7, 2011

We meet again..

Square one we meet again. I started back drinking and smoking which was not only a huge disappointment to everyone I know but to myself as well. I have been in a terrible funk despite having a new job and doing well at it. I started back drinking and smoking and started slacking on my classes. I fight with this depressing feeling of, "what does it matter anyway?" which logically I know isn't true but I find myself thinking it anyway. I find myself thinking things like, "you aren't worth it anyway." and I hate that, I can't figure out why I hate myself so much. I've made my fair share of mistakes but nothing so bad as to hate myself so much. I find myself in this funk making self destructive choices and I feel so badly because so many people have been so supportive of me. I can't thank Rodney enough for sticking with me and standing beside me. I had a good cry about not going to get any wine and Rodney held me and comforted me. I don't know how he stands it. I'm not that good of a person to deal with someone elses sobriety problems. I get frustrated even though I physically understand where they are coming from. It amazes me that he is so understanding when he isn't an addict. So today I didn't drink and who knows what tomorrow will bring but I can't think that far ahead with my sobriety. I just have to make it through this hour of not drinking and then try for the next one and the one after that and so on. One step at a time even if they are baby steps. I can do it. I know I can and I want to if not for me than for all the people who have stood by me and for my boys, they deserve it.


  1. I'm sorry that you have to struggle with addictions and emotional uneasiness. I wish there was something I could do or say to make things easy for you.
    The only piece of advice I have for you is try really hard not to slack off on your schooling. You were doing so great. When you are tired and don't want to do your homework remember the awesome feelings you had when you got such good marks on your homework. How smart and accomplished it made you feel. You are so close to finishing now...just a little more effort and you'll have your certificate. I promise that will be a great feeling of accomplishment for you!
    I love you and I'm proud of you no matter what you do. I just want YOU to be proud of yourself too!

  2. One day at a time. It's all anyone can do, really. *Fierce hugs*