Friday, August 26, 2011

Yeah about that...

Yesterday, was just a terrible no good very bad day. It started off with Rodney and I having a fight that caused me to ball my eyes out at work. That left me with a massive headache that worked it's way from the base of my neck to behind my eyes. I spent a good deal of time in my bosses garage trying to "talk things over" with Rodney. He called me back later to apologize to me but I was simply exhausted from the worrying, the arguing and the crying. We talked a little more about it but to be honest I just wasn't up for discussing it any more.

We got home, I made Mexican pizzas for dinner and helped Bailey with his homework. I spent some time with Rodney, yes in that way. Since that was what our big fight was all about. I figured after that we'd snuggle or watch a movie. Nope and honestly I needed to do my homework anyway.

Rodney played WoW and I ended up at my computer. I saw that Liam's dad had posted a picture of a slice of cake with 0.5 written on it and Happy Half Birthday written as the caption. Oh my God, how had I forgotten? I couldn't believe that it was his half birthday and I had forgotten. I started crying. Why is six months so much harder than six weeks? Was it just an emotional day for me? Rodney asked me if I was ok and I said, "I'm just sad. I guess I shouldn't be, I never could have given Liam a cruise to Italy." I looked around at our little apartment with it's furniture that is very mismatched. "Yeah, I couldn't have given him very much so it worked out for the best. He is loved and his is happy and he is already experiencing the world." Rodney tried to lighten the mood by saying, "I'm trying to figure out how I can get adopted I want to take a vacation please." I just wasn't in the mood. I went to bed listening to classical music.

We have a new little boy who just started yesterday. He reminds me a lot of Bailey as a baby. He has the somewhat curly, soft, black hair. He is just so fat like Bailey was with that caramel colored skin. I hold him to my face and he smells just like Bailey did as a baby. There is nothing more intoxicating than the smell of a baby. He smiles at me so hard his eyes disappear. I honestly want to just hold his little fat self all day long. I try not to though because it gets me to thinking of how much I want another baby, a baby of my own to have and to hold.

School is going well although I am still getting the hang of it. It's hard for me to "take notes" because I never really learned how to. I am teaching myself shorthand. I am also teaching myself APA format which is what all my papers have to be written in. Reading my COMP book has to be just about as boring as reading The Great Expectations, which I never finished because I, who love books, hated that boring ass book. I find myself rereading the same thing over and over. So today I started writing the definitions, that seems to help. My ECCE classes are much more interesting.

I'm still dealing with all my health aliments. I really have to find the time to go file for medicaid/disability medicaid. I work during the hours they are open though so that probably won't happen any time soon. It really sucks that my health has to take a back seat for now but hopefully once I finish school and become a teacher I will be able to afford health care for my family. Bailey is on medicaid but Rodney and I are up a creek without a paddle.

I think that is about as much complaining as I can do right now. In all honesty I am blessed to be back in school, to have Rodney and Bailey and all my friends and family. The other things will eventually fall into place, I just have to work hard and be patient.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I'm just saying...

A lot has been weighing on my mind recently. A very dear friend of mine is placing her baby for adoption with some family of hers. I have good feelings about open adoption but if I could I would spare every woman from the pain of placing a child. Certainly there are a lot of positives to placing. My son is happy and healthy with good people for parents. He will have better opportunities that his birth father and myself could not have provided him. I was able to get a job, go back to school and fix my relationship with Bailey and his father.

 I have never miscarried a child but I cannot begin to imagine nor do I want to compare what I went through to that. However, the loss and grief I felt was comparable to losing a loved one to death. Maybe more. I lost my Grandmother last year to ALS (Lou Gerhigs Disease) and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Placing Liam was by far worse. I have really good days when I look at pictures of him and it makes me smile from ear to ear and then other days when I have a phantom "kick" that makes me burst into tears.

My dear friend said to me, 'I don't know how you did it.' I didn't know what to say. I cut myself off emotionally from my child, I denied myself access to him at the hospital, I refused to see him without his parents present. Oh certainly I would day dream ridiculous things that would some how "allow" me to keep my son, even going so far as to imagining his birth father being locked up for the next 20 years. I always knew none of them were feasible. They were simply a coping mechanism.

I know now that had I parented Liam, Rodney and I wouldn't have survived as a couple. And although it was never a matter of Liam vs. Rodney, I wondered for a while if we could have done it. But there are some days when I am simply paralyzed with grief over Liam and Rodney can't always handle it. It hurts him and it hurts me. He envisioned us as a family, Bailey, Heather and Rodney. When Bailey and I did a photo shoot with Liam and his parents at the IAC (Independent Adoption Center) annual picnic in Atlanta, I told Rodney we would be taking pictures. When he saw me previewing them he got upset, he said, "I didn't know they were going to be family pictures." I understand why he is upset and I allow him that. I can only hope that he can understand that is no possible way that I can ever not love my children.

I was planning on taking a trip up to see Liam but with our current financial situation and the tension between Rodney and I over Liam, I think it may be best to wait. Although, I so desperately want to hold that little boy in my arms and kiss his little face. I sometimes find myself envious of people with babies, the way the hold them or if the breastfeed them. I didn't breastfeed Bailey and although I did pump for Liam a big part of me wants to know the feeling of holding my child so close to my chest and feeding them from my body. I want to build that bond with my baby. Just writing this now has my throat burning and my eyes full of tears.

As a teen I didn't want to be a mother and even though I love Bailey very much it took me a long time to realize that I was a mother and that I came second to him. Now, I am so proud to be a mother, to be a birth mother. All I want in this world is to be a mother, to be a good mother. I want to hold my children and kiss away their pains. Oh how I miss my son. I miss him when I wake in the morning and when I put Bailey to bed at night. My body has carried to beautiful healthy children to term. I struggled through two labors with my boys face down. Yet, each night I bathe one child, I dress one child, I kiss one child goodnight and I tuck one child into bed. I know I should feel blessed to have my one child and I do, oh I do! I love Bailey so much I never thought it was possible. But some days, some days I am so angry. So bitter. Why did this happen to me? Why oh why Lord?! I can't say I didn't deserve it because I was a wretched person. I can't say that it wasn't meant to happen, I needed it to help me turn my life around. I have been sober for 13 months now thanks to Liam.

My little sister whom I love so very much is so much like me it's scary. She reminds me a lot of me at 17 which if you knew me at all back then is not a good thing. I try to tell her, try to explain to her that she doesn't want this. She doesn't want the pain I have suffered. She doesn't want it. But until you have a had a child you cannot fathom what the loss of a child could possibly be like. I pray for her daily, please God help her find her way back. Don't let her have to go through what I have had to go through. Help her to see that Kim and Roy are no good. Just one more year, let her survive living with the devil in that house for just one more year. And baby sister, if you are reading this know that I love you with all my heart and there is nothing you can ever do or say to make me stop loving you. I wish you could call me so you could her the sounds of my sobs as I cry out, "I want my baby, I want my baby!" I wish you could see the pain on my face as the tears steadily run a hot trail down my face.

My little brother doesn't talk to me anymore. That breaks my heart because he was my best friend. I guess my disowning Kim made him dislike me. I hope that one day he can forgive me and understand why, although I miss him and love him, I cannot let her back into my life. I have to protect my son from her. I have to protect myself from her and if I could I'd protect our sister from her. And little brother if you are reading this know that I love you and nothing you say or do will ever make me stop loving you. I have missed you so bad that is hurts. I used to be able to talk to you about everything. When I was pregnant with Liam some times I felt so alone, so many people had a vested interest in my placing Liam. You would have just listened though. I really needed that then. I hope that one day soon you will reach out to me. Bailey misses you.

I laid in my bed and sobbed so hard I couldn't make a sound. I wanted my daddy so bad and I wanted my mommy so bad, not Kim obviously. At 24 years old I just wanted to lay my head down in my mommy's lap and feel her soft, small, cool hand on my brow. I wanted to climb into my daddy's lap and have him wrap me up into a bear hug like the papa bear that he is. I miss being a little girl, I miss my daddy hugging away all the hurts and his ability to make everything better by simply kissing the top of my head and saying, "It's all going to be ok." I am expected to be an adult now. I have to be a big girl and I don't want to be. But I have my own son who needs to climb up in my lap so that I can wrap him up in a big bear hug, kiss the top of his head and say, "It's all going to be ok."

School starts next week so I will probably write less. I need to get my game face on I don't have time to mope or fret. I am excited to be starting this new chapter in my life. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my sons. I love them both very, very much. I hope they always know that.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Another Manic Day

I just stood in my kitchen rinsing off dishes and asking myself why they weren't in the dishwasher. Meanwhile the dishwasher is audibly running directly next to me. I hear this, I acknowledge this and then I proceed to try to open it to load the new dirty dishes into it. Damn it.

On the other side of the kitchen the stove is on 350 degrees, it has been on like this for over an hour because I started cooking dinner at 6:30. Dinner has been done since 7. I left the oven on again. I do this sometimes and thank God most of the time Rodney notices.

Bailey sits at the bar on the stool. I have chopsticks sitting on a dish across one another. Bailey has a habit of picking them up or messing with them. He bumped into one and it rolled off onto the counter. I had to struggle not to scream at him. He and Rodney play with these things that are set up just the way I want them and it gives me a headache to think about it. I placed it up there and asked Bailey to please not mess with them for what feels like the umpteenth time. I guess I made a weird gesture because he just looked at me and backed out of the room.

After discussing a financial transaction with my boss I tried to explain to Rodney what it was she was trying to do. I tried to work out whether or not it would be benificial for us at this time. I know I knew at one point what my standing was on it but for the life of me I could not put it into words. It was like trying to get a hold of a stream of water, it kept slipping away. Rodney could see how frustrated I was getting and said he would handle it. This is why Rodney handles our finances, I am easily confused when it comes to money or numbers of any kind really.

I feel on edge, not mad or upset just like my skin is crawling. I want to just go to work, go to school, be with my boys as much as possible and plan my wedding. Right now I don't want to worry about anything else. I hate how selfish that sounds because of course I am empathetic to my family and friends. I just can't divide my focus any more than I already have.

My boss asked me how Liam was doing and it felt like a great effort to bring him to mind. Not that I have forgotten him but right now my attention span is short, my thoughts are jumbled and hard to hold onto. It is taking me so long just to get all of this together. I felt myself getting aggravated not because she asked but just frustration at not being able to hold the thought, to put it together. It's like having a puzzle and knowing that once put together it should be a flower, but what kind? How big? What color? Where to begin? Edge pieces first?

Rodney emailed me something to look over and edit. I read it three times and had no idea what I had read. This is uncommon for me. My reading comprehension has always been above average. I scored college level when I was in the 6th grade. I had to ask him a couple of times what it was he wanted. I finally got it done but it still felt incomplete.

I am writing this to kind of keep notes of days that are different, off, manic, depressive, etc. I want to be able to print them and take them with me to my psychiatrist whenever I manage to get medicaid. I keep forgetting to go to the DFACS office. I need to talk to my school adviser about my future goals, I need to fax my petition for graduation and I still need to check with financial aid to see that all my paperwork is complete.

Hopefully this will have gone away by tomorrow, Bailey's orientation for school is tomorrow. I'd like to have my thoughts together especially for that. I apologize if I managed to offend anyone today or if I manage to offend anyone tomorrow.

Monday, August 1, 2011

So blessed!

So much is going on right now but all of it for the better. I cannot believe I am finally going back to school! I am excited to be getting a good education that will help to support me in my goal of better supporting my family. I enjoy buying nice things for my family, providing healthy, delicious, home cooked meals for my boys and helping to put a roof over our heads. A better education means a better position in my career field. I am excited about the future, about what new possibilities having a degree can do for me. I am also very excited to just learn, to become even more knowledgeable about children and education. I was so proud after I got my compass placement test scores back, it was the same feeling I had when I got my G.E.D. transcripts. I did it!

After everything that happened last year I could only hope that Rodney would forgive me. That we could get back to a place of mutual love and respect. I could only dream of planning our wedding together so soon. I sincerely can say that I have never loved Rodney more and couldn't imagine it being possible for me to love him even more but it seems like everyday we grow closer. Rodney's Grandma said to me the other day, "I think you guys are ready, it's time. You both have matured a lot. You had a lot of growing up to do and you did it." That was the best compliment I could have received. I became a mother at 18 and felt entitled. I felt I deserved respect for being an adult and for being a mother. I also was certain that I knew everything. I have come to realize I know very little indeed. But with that I am ready to learn. I am so excited to be getting married to Rodney. I cannot wait to say my vows and to MEAN them. He truly is the light of my life, my knight in shinning armor. I mean to live every day of my life trying to be the woman he deserves to have. I am so looking forward to spending the rest of my life by his side as Mrs. Rodney E Carlock Jr.

Although little things happen each week that aren't always happy or upbeat, I have so much more to live for than I ever had realized before. So all those minor things are exactly that, minor. I won't let one thing or one person steal my happiness, I deserve that much and I intend to have it. God has continually blessed me and I am ever grateful for His love.