I just stood in my kitchen rinsing off dishes and asking myself why they weren't in the dishwasher. Meanwhile the dishwasher is audibly running directly next to me. I hear this, I acknowledge this and then I proceed to try to open it to load the new dirty dishes into it. Damn it.
On the other side of the kitchen the stove is on 350 degrees, it has been on like this for over an hour because I started cooking dinner at 6:30. Dinner has been done since 7. I left the oven on again. I do this sometimes and thank God most of the time Rodney notices.
Bailey sits at the bar on the stool. I have chopsticks sitting on a dish across one another. Bailey has a habit of picking them up or messing with them. He bumped into one and it rolled off onto the counter. I had to struggle not to scream at him. He and Rodney play with these things that are set up just the way I want them and it gives me a headache to think about it. I placed it up there and asked Bailey to please not mess with them for what feels like the umpteenth time. I guess I made a weird gesture because he just looked at me and backed out of the room.
After discussing a financial transaction with my boss I tried to explain to Rodney what it was she was trying to do. I tried to work out whether or not it would be benificial for us at this time. I know I knew at one point what my standing was on it but for the life of me I could not put it into words. It was like trying to get a hold of a stream of water, it kept slipping away. Rodney could see how frustrated I was getting and said he would handle it. This is why Rodney handles our finances, I am easily confused when it comes to money or numbers of any kind really.
I feel on edge, not mad or upset just like my skin is crawling. I want to just go to work, go to school, be with my boys as much as possible and plan my wedding. Right now I don't want to worry about anything else. I hate how selfish that sounds because of course I am empathetic to my family and friends. I just can't divide my focus any more than I already have.
My boss asked me how Liam was doing and it felt like a great effort to bring him to mind. Not that I have forgotten him but right now my attention span is short, my thoughts are jumbled and hard to hold onto. It is taking me so long just to get all of this together. I felt myself getting aggravated not because she asked but just frustration at not being able to hold the thought, to put it together. It's like having a puzzle and knowing that once put together it should be a flower, but what kind? How big? What color? Where to begin? Edge pieces first?
Rodney emailed me something to look over and edit. I read it three times and had no idea what I had read. This is uncommon for me. My reading comprehension has always been above average. I scored college level when I was in the 6th grade. I had to ask him a couple of times what it was he wanted. I finally got it done but it still felt incomplete.
I am writing this to kind of keep notes of days that are different, off, manic, depressive, etc. I want to be able to print them and take them with me to my psychiatrist whenever I manage to get medicaid. I keep forgetting to go to the DFACS office. I need to talk to my school adviser about my future goals, I need to fax my petition for graduation and I still need to check with financial aid to see that all my paperwork is complete.
Hopefully this will have gone away by tomorrow, Bailey's orientation for school is tomorrow. I'd like to have my thoughts together especially for that. I apologize if I managed to offend anyone today or if I manage to offend anyone tomorrow.