Friday, September 2, 2011

Dear Liam:

Dear Liam,

You are six months old. Wow, time went by really fast. I can't believe you have already left the country with your family on a vacation. You know, I still haven't. I actually flew for the first time last year when I was pregnant with you.

I see you are crawling and pulling up for the first time as of today. I have such mixed feelings about that. Of course beyond a doubt I am so proud of you. I am so envious of your parents for being able to share that with you. I am sad that I missed it, these little milestones of yours. I am also overjoyed that you are in such loving, capable hands who have helped you to meet these milestones at such a young age.

I cried when I saw your pictures of you on your cruise. I told you brother Bailey's dad, Rodney, "I must have did the right thing because I could never have given him that." and then I went to have a good cry. I can't figure out why all of a sudden this is becoming so much harder. Of course I don't regret my decision at all but all of a sudden I am going through stages of sadness, anger, depression and jealousy.

Some days I am so thankful for modern technology and the ability to look at pictures of you or to get updates of your progress. Then there are days where I wonder if maybe my life would be easier not seeing you. I know the later isn't true at all, my heart would shrivel up and die if I couldn't see your beautiful little face, to know you are happy and well taken care of.

I talk about my pregnancy with you to people constantly. As a mother I find myself talking with other mothers about both of my pregnancies, comparing mine to theirs and even comparing both of mine to each other. Sometimes, I just feel I have to validate your existence, that it wasn't all a dream and that I did carry and love you for nine months. Sometimes it just seems so surreal. I never thought it'd be me going through this.

Your brother really likes looking at pictures of you, he misses you too. Sometimes I feel like I'm stalking you and your parents. I don't want to "like" every picture of you on facebook for fear of scaring them off by coming on too strong. I don't want to push them away or lose you guys. I'm trying to come to terms with that feeling because of course I have never had to go through that before. Since you are no longer legally my son, it is always in the back of my mind that I could do something to lose the little bit of you that I have. I don't know how I could survive that.

I stopped pumping a while ago and I hate it. Although pumping took up a lot of my time and with me back in school it honestly just isn't realistic to think I could still do it, I miss it. There was just so much I couldn't do for you, I was able to find you loving parents and I was able to provide you food that I was able to produce from my own body.

I work in a daycare and right now we have a lot of infants in our care. It's hard not to make comparisons. It's hard not to hold them sometimes and wish it were you. I sometimes even wish I were holding you when I am home lying in my bed watching t.v. by myself. I wonder what if, what if I had parented you. What would it have been like? What would nursing you have felt like?

I hate that I denied myself the opportunity to love you, to really love you and enjoy every minute of you while I was pregnant with you. I tried to cut off my emotions for fear of being overwhelmed but now I wish I hadn't. I love you so much and I miss you. Your birthfather just had a little girl a few weeks ago. It upset me so much that this girl kept her child. I feel sorry for the little girl too. At least you will have a good life and opportunities, she won't.

Anyhow, I think that is it. I'm all mushy and sappy right now. I miss your beautiful little face, I miss feeling you kicking me, I miss your little hiccups and your temper tantrums when they wouldn't go away. I love you baby Lamb.



  1. You can like as many pictures as you want.... for as long as you want :) And we love it when you write to Liam - because it means that there is yet one more person in the world loving him - and he could never have too much of that.

    I could never for a second understand what you're feeling right now - especially at a milestone like today. But what I *do* know is that you *did* send Liam on a cruise and you *are* loving him and you *did* give him all of the things we want to give him for the rest of his life. And the incredible thing is that you did all of that long before he was born. That's really remarkable to me.

    But it doesn't take a cruise or a trip overseas to love someone, you just have to be open to loving them - and you have opened yourself to loving him.

    You haven't only made a selfless decision to love him - but you have given the same selfless gift to so many people that you don't even know. You've given my brother his first nephew. You've given my mom her *first* grandchild. How cool is that?

    The joy that came from February of this year has spread to so many people. So many people are happy because of this. Friends and family alike. And we tell everyone about you and what you did for us.

    I love Liam more than any other human being - and it was completely automatic, from the first moment I saw him. And it's weird because I didn't plan it - it just happened in an instant. And I think that's what happened to you, too.

    When we got started at the adoption agency, the counselors told us that many birthmoms check in for the first while but then disappear over time. For many adoptive couples that aren't familiar with open adoption - that can be comforting. But I think it would be tragic. Because a child can never have too many people in their life that love and support them.

    We are so proud and honored to know you. Not just because of Liam... but because of the person you are and your continued activism for open adoption and your openness. Bailey is so lucky. We want Liam to know you and his brother - not just because you are his birth family - but because you're an amazing person that he should know.


  2. Thank you William, you are right it doesn't take material things to say, "I love you". I am so blessed to have met you both and I am so thankful that I was able to aid in making you and your families happy. Although I have moments where of course I miss him and am saddened by how I got myself into such a situation I am always grateful to the two of you for the gift that you gave me and Liam.