Monday, March 14, 2011

I am a good person.

Liam went home with his mommy on Friday. Saying goodbye to them before they left was hard but I managed to hold it together. Poor Liam was fussy which thus far was out of character for him. He has been much like Bailey was as a baby, good and quite. Only crying when needing something and even then the cry only lasted a short while. I was so impressed at how quickly he was able to calm himself down. He seems able to reassure himself very quickly. I give credit to his mom and dad who have provided him with so much support and love from the moment he entered this world. It has to help him knowing that his loving parents are right there ready to help him with whatever he may need. I have also been so impressed at how alert he has been. The amount of time he spends with his eyes open, lifting his head to look around and cooing at his mommy already is so amazing.

Saturday was hard for me, I felt like I had lost not just Liam but his mommy and daddy too. They had become such a huge part of my life. I was almost at a loss as to what to do with myself. I kept pumping so I could feel like I was doing something productive with myself. Since having my son Bailey, I have been a mother. For the most part all that I do revolves around being a mother. I work to provide for my son, I clean for him, I cook for him, even the movies I pick out are usually for him. He is getting to the age where he is not interested in hanging out with mommy. I was able to handle that during my pregnancy because I was focused on the baby. I was eating for the baby, exercising for the baby, planning for the baby, etc. Now that Liam has gone home all I really wanted was to hold Bailey. He is a sweet boy and allowed me to a few times this weekend. The poor boy is probably sick of me, being five years old he has a lot he wants to do that does not involve a weepy mother.

I put pictures of Liam and his mommy and daddy on my cell phone to look at when I am pumping or when I am missing them most. Yesterday was a lethargic day for the most part. I almost felt like I was in a fog that I couldn't shake. We went to my mom's house yesterday and on the way home Rodney looked at me and said, "I love you baby." and I burst into tears. I really couldn't tell you why. I don't feel like I am sad or depressed really until I suddenly start crying for no reason. Poor Rodney keeps asking me what is wrong and I sit there crying, shaking my head, telling him, "I don't know" or "Nothing." I think when I tell him "Nothing" it aggravates him most but I don't know how to talk to him about how I am feeling. We had a really hard time a  few years ago when I got baby fever really bad. I would cry all the time especially when we were intimate with one another. He would ask me what was wrong and so I would tell him but at the time we had agreed that having a baby wasn't a good decision because we were not financially in a good place. Unfortunately my head had not gotten through to my heart that now was not the time to want a baby. It caused a huge rift between Rodney and I.

I am afraid that will happen again because I can't explain to Rodney how I am feeling just like I couldn't then. I wish I could fast forward to the part where Rodney and I are married and trying to conceive. I know that right now even though a baby is what I want, have wanted for the past nearly three years, it is not the answer. I need to get back to work, get in shape, get a car, and get a house. The problem I think I am having is that at least with being pregnant with Liam I could count down the months until my goal was reached. How do I work with an undetermined amount of time before I can have a baby with Rodney? I don't know that it would have been any easier to place Liam had I not already been planning to get pregnant with Rodney last year. Right now it feels pretty painful because we so desperately wanted to have a baby.

I have some marathons coming up that I really need to be training for so today I will allow myself to be weepy on and off. But tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. Liam is fine, he is safe and he is happy. I am a good birthmother. Bailey is fine, he too is safe and is happy. I am a good mother. Rodney is fine, he is safe and he is happy. I am a good wife-to-be. I pray daily and ask forgiveness, I am a good daughter. I, too, am safe and I am happy, I am very proud of myself, I am a good person.


  1. You can chalk some of it up to postpartum hormones, those suckers are a pain. *hugs*

  2. Oh definitely. I'm also going through the stages of mourning, denial, depression, anger and acceptance. I just didn't think they would happen so fast and so close together. The denial part was nice and I was on that, I just had a baby, high. The depression sucked but what I was most afraid of was the anger. I am still fighting that one off. I seriously wanted to shoot my downstairs neighbor when she came waddling out of her house all huge and pregnant, with two other children that she doesn't take care of. Rodney asked me if I was going to hate all pregnant women and I told him, yep, for now. I am working on it though, I don't like being angry, it is draining.