Thursday, March 10, 2011

"...So you will excuse me, if I do not say good bye..."

I will start this entry with a quote from Babylon 5 that seems appropriate:

"When I was first assigned to Babylon 5, I had to learn to speak several languages: Drazi, Brakiri, Centauri, and of course English - the human language of commerce. Some words have always come easier to me, than others. One of the most difficult words for me was good bye. There is no corresponding word for good bye in Minbari. All our partings contain, within them, the possibility of meeting again in other places, in other times, in other lives. So you will excuse me, if I do not say good bye. Our souls are a part of this place, our hopes, the foundation of our future. And we will pass this way again." 
- Delenn: "Objects at Rest"

So, I am a little sad that Liam and his parents are having to return home. Of course I am also so excited for them. I can only imagine how ready they are to get back home with their brand new baby boy! Liam's daddy had to leave today so we all met up for lunch yesterday. He came up to my apartment afterwards to grab the milk I had pumped for Liam. It was so weird saying goodbye, Liam's parents have been such an huge part of my life for the past two months. It is like I cannot remember what my life was like before they were apart of it. Liam's daddy said it wasn't goodbye but a see you later. He also told me thank you before he left and I said no problem. I felt like a big dummy because what I had really wanted to say was no thank you! So I did in a message on facebook. He replied with a lovely message back but this part in particular really impacted me:

"I am so proud and honored to be Liam's daddy - to be the daddy for this beautiful boy you've made. I love him so much - I loved him the second he was born and I will spend the rest of my life being the best father I can possibly be for him. I will do everything I can to make sure he has the best life possible and that he is surrounded by love and that he grows up to be the man you want him to be and he will always know you and how amazing your are. You have given *us* the best gift ever."

 Being a daddy's girl daddies are important to me. Not to play down how important mommies are but I think we forget how important a good male role model is. I honestly couldn't imagine a better one for Liam. His daddy is a good man and those are hard to find nowadays. His mommy and daddy have a good relationship, the way that the mesh is truly inspirational. It is very obvious that they are soul-mates. I will miss all three of them when they return home but know we will be in touch. Again I am so excited that they are going to be able to take their precious baby boy home soon. 

On a related note Bailey and I had a conversation about family today. When Rodney and I discussed my placing my baby up for adoption I think we were both under the impression that I wouldn't have any contact with the baby. That I'd know who his parents were and they would know how to contact me but that would be it. I never really thought about talking to Bailey about his half-brother. Since meeting Liam's parents things have changed. I explained to Bailey that Liam was my second baby. Liam is his half-brother even though he has a different mommy and daddy. It will be a while yet until he fully understands but I want to make sure I show him pictures of Liam and say, "Look at your brother Liam, he is getting so big!" Bailey calls him Baby "Lamb". I wrote out William for him and then took away the Wil part to show him that the baby's name is Liam but it still comes out Lamb. I think that is a good nic-name though. Bailey says it fits because he is a baby and a lamb is a baby sheep. As Bailey reminded me we are the sheep and our Lord is the shepherd, so he can go on calling him baby Lamb all he likes as far as I am concerned. 

So things are going well. Emotionally I have probably never been better. Although sometimes I am sad because I miss Liam or because I realize he and his parents are going home, I am ok with that. It is a new experience for me because I used to drown my sadness in alcohol. For the first time in a long time I am facing my feelings, thinking them through, allowing them to happen to me and then they pass. The sadness is so much less than when I used to get drunk because eventually you sober up and the sadness comes on stronger and becomes depression. So you drink again only more and it becomes a vicious cycle. During the day I talk to Rodney via Gchat and I will tell him I am sad or I am happy or I am anxious. It is good to have a man in my life who can handle all that emotional baggage. I really am blessed and I thank God every day for blessing me over and over again.

So although I am sad to see Liam and his parents go, that too shall pass. I will see them again sooner than I know. Time flies when you have children, I should know, it seems like only yesterday that Bailey was that age. Now I have a five year old running around measuring everything in our house with a tape measure. I love you baby Lamb and I love you baby Lamb's mommy and daddy. I will see you guys soon!

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