Monday, March 7, 2011

In the beginning...

there was a girl. But if I started WAY back then, I'd be here for days. So instead I'll just give an overview. I became a mother at the ripe old age of 18 to the most amazing little boy, Bailey. I'll tell you all about that birth story another time. This is just an overview remember? If it were not for that most amazing little boy and his father, I'd be in prison or dead. I was very much headed down a bad road. The road I ended up taking instead was not necessarily the easy one and I met my fair share of problems but it made me the woman I am today. I have said this before and sometimes felt ashamed because I knew that I didn't really like the woman that I was. That has changed. And that change happened when I got pregnant with my second son, Liam.

He, too, has saved my life. The alcohol had taken over my existence leaving behind a very undesirable person when he was conceived. I placed my second son up for adoption, this was both the hardest and the easiest decision of my life. There is nothing I wouldn't do, nothing I wouldn't sacrifice for my children. Both of them. I love my sons more than I ever thought was humanly possible. In fact I love Bailey even more now having given birth to his half-brother than I did before . How is it possible that having another child can make room for even more love in your heart for not just that child but for the previous one as well? I cannot explain it. It should not be possible but it is like pouring water into a glass that continues to expand so that it may hold as much water as you can pour into it.

Two days ago I visited with my second son and his parents. I knew that I loved them like they were my own flesh and blood from the moment I spoke with them over the phone. A phone call that lasted four hours and somehow only felt like mere minutes in which we crammed a life time. Feeling their love and acceptance of me, I could not doubt that they would just as easily love and accept my baby too. It was so interesting and enlightening to meet with them and Liam. Having met them before I gave birth I knew them as they were, two adults, two very amazing adults but just two adults. Two days ago it was like I met them all over again but this time I met them as two parents, two very amazing parents. They had assumed their new identity wholly and it was like they had always been parents. Watching them both looking so lovingly down at the face of their son was one of the most beautiful things I have ever been lucky enough to witness. The love they have for Liam is more than any mother could hope for.

 In a lot of ways Liam is even more lucky than Bailey, he not only has me but he has his half-brother and both his parents and their entire family and mine! All that love surrounding him, supporting him and helping him to grow into the man he is destined to be. I have decided that when I am asked to describe myself I will no longer say I am a blank year old mother of an amazing blank year old little boy named Bailey but will instead add to that, and birth mother to an awesome blank year old little boy named Liam.

When going for a job interview recently I debated over whether or not to mention the recent adoption of my son. I decided that I have nothing to be ashamed of, I am not ashamed of Liam, I am not ashamed of my decision to place him for adoption, I am not ashamed that I am pumping to donate to him. No, I am proud! I am proud of Liam, I am proud of his parents, I am proud of Bailey for taking this in stride, I am proud that I was able to say, "I can't provide for Liam all that he needs so I will instead find someone who can.", I am proud that I did just that, I am proud that I am pumping and donating, and I am proud to be a birth mother. I owe my life to my children and willing would do anything for both of them. In this blog I plan to write what I feel. Not just about Liam but about Bailey, about being a mother and about being a birth mother. I will probably compare my pregnancy with Bailey to my pregnancy with Liam, as well as the birth and the resulting emotions.

So in the beginning of this blog there was a 24 year old mother to an amazing 5 year old little boy named Bailey and an awesome 10 day old little boy named Liam.

1 comment:

  1. Just found your blog thanks to Ashleigh. This post made me teary.