Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I woke up with a very surreal feeling this morning. I kind of feel like that is how I am describing most of my feelings lately, surreal. The past three nights I have had some weird adoption dreams. The first night I dreamed that I was having a baby and placing it for adoption but this was after I had already had Liam and he had been placed with his parents. In the dream I had already had the baby and there were two women there with kids around them. They were potential adopting mothers. One lady already had my baby in a baby carrier and was acting as though the baby was already hers. The other lady looked upset about this. I was distraught but couldn't seem to say anything. My biological mother was there suddenly and I kept saying, "This isn't how it was with Liam, I don't understand!" It was very disturbing. I don't really remember the second dream except that I woke with the same kind of feelings. Last night I dreamed Rodney and I were at my old high school, Chamblee, at a football game. We were way above the players though, it was like they were in a pit. I ran into my friend, Shelby, who was holding a brand new baby, except that I knew it was my baby. She kept walking away from me though and I kept following her trying to understand why she had my baby. Again very disturbing.

Yesterday Liam's mommy sent me some pictures of us and Liam, wow, I looked terrible in those. Liam looked angry but his mom looked so peaceful and happy. I keep trying to imagine how she feels about Liam, about me, about being a new mom, etc. To really feel it myself, imagining trying to get pregnant for so long with no success, going through the process of being eligible to adopt, speaking with birth mother, finally matching, finally signing all the paper work and being able to take her baby boy home. I can only begin to imagine how all of that must feel. It helps me to deal with my own feelings. She also sent me the video of Liam's birth. Again, it was so surreal. I wasn't sure how I would feel about watching it. It was a bit emotional hearing myself make those almost animal like moans. It was amazing to hear and watch it from a different perspective though. I don't remember hearing half of what was actually said on the video. It was amazingly quick too, I remember it being pretty fast during the process. So much quicker than Bailey was. I felt kind of needy yesterday and really just wanted Rodney to come home. His family came into town yesterday though so he and Bailey stayed late at work to see them. I was angry with Rodney still when he came home. I am learning to let the little things go though. I can't afford to spend time being angry over the little things.

Today is so yucky and rainy but I am determined to exercise. I have been eating more than I probably should so I cut back today. Calorie counting and exercising to get ready to run. It will be nice to run again, I haven't really ran since I played Volleyball back in high school. I used to love to run the feel of the wind in my hair, the burning in my legs and lungs as I pushed myself further. I am looking forward to becoming an athlete again. I would like to set an example of healthy living for Bailey. Not that he is anywhere near fat but he is an indoor, video game geek. It is past time that he got his behind outdoors, at his age I was always playing outside. So hopefully I can get myself a bike and Bailey and I can go bike some of the local trails together, who knows we may even get Rodney to go to. :D

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