Monday, March 28, 2011

Do not ask why, instead ask why not?

I feel like I need to write about pumping, not how I pump, how often I pump or why pumping is good for me and for Liam. Instead about WHY I pump and again this isn't about why it is good for me and for Liam.

In 2005 the world according to Heather stopped revolving around Heather and began revolving around Bailey. My entire existence became about Bailey. I know those of you who aren't parents hate hearing this and you may disagree but I promise you something chemically happens inside of you and you cannot know what it is like until you are a parent. Not meaning you have to give birth to a child because then no dad on earth would know it but to have a child completely dependent upon you for everything it needs and to have your entire life revolve around them. Before I gave birth to Bailey I had never loved someone outside of my immediate family the way that I loved Rodney. I was totally dependent on him, not just financially but emotionally. He was the Yin to my Yang. I am not saying that he isn't still so today but once I had Bailey I knew that my love for Bailey surpassed anything else I had every experienced. Just the thought of him being hurt in anyway would literally hurt me, my throat would close up and my chest would ache. I just knew that I was in love in a way that only being a parent can bring about.

I was surprised to find when I got pregnant with Liam how much I despised him at first. I was so angry that I was pregnant, it was ruining everything. I hated that I was constantly throwing up. I was full of contempt for this baby and even contemplated having an abortion. My love for him did not happen over night, I tried to squash it, I tried to hide, I tried to ignore it. It wasn't until I began looking at potential adoptive parents that I realized how far gone I already was. I balled my eyes out and my heart ached, my lungs burned, my throat closed up. I was certain it was the hormones of being pregnant. I even reassured Rodney that it was just hormones, no biggie. I lied to myself and Rodney. I am one of those mothers who is fiercely protective of her kids. My love for Liam is equal to the love I have for Bailey. I never thought that would be possible because of my love for Rodney. I was certain that because I loved Rodney and hated Liam's birth father that Bailey would have the upper hand. That is not so. Never ask me to choose between my boys because I'd rather take my own life. There is nothing in this world I would not do for either of them.

I feel like people skirt around my pumping for Liam and/or the entire adoption process. It's like they are trying to pretend things are back to normal. Well I have a new normal now. My normal may not be the same as your normal and it certainly wasn't the normal that I had planned for but I wouldn't trade my new normal for anything in the world. I wouldn't go back and not get pregnant with Liam. I am so glad that I had him, I am so glad I was able to spend 10 months getting to know him and love him. I have built a maternal bond with him. So why do I pump? Because I am his birth mother. My love for him didn't stop when he went with is mommy and daddy, no it grew. It grew as he grew, it grew with my love for his mommy and daddy. I provide for him in a way that a mother should because it brings me peace, it allows me to provide something to him because there is so much I could not provide him. It makes placing him in a loving home easier for me because I know I am doing my part. That I didn't just pass the buck and walk away. I am able to DO something for my son and that means I am a good birth mother. So don't ask why as a birth mother I donate to Liam ask why not? I love him just as I love Bailey and just as I will love all the children I ever bring into this world. I enjoy looking at his pictures, they do not make me sad. They make me thankful, they make me feel better having proof that he is safe, that he is loved and that I did right by him.

So do not be afraid to ask. Do not be afraid to wonder, to discuss, to mention him to me. Do not be afraid to mention babies, pregnant women, etc. I am so thankful for Liam and nothing you say or ask or do is going to change that, ever. Knowledge is power so again, do not be afraid to ask for I will answer.


  1. This made me cry :-) You're amazing, Heather.

  2. Of course you're amazing. We were at the pediatricians the other day and when the doctor told me how much he weighed (9lbs, 5oz) I immediately thought "that's all his birthmother... first she made him, now she's making him grow".