Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Some days are just harder than others.

Some days I really just hate having bipolar disorder. I went into the kitchen to heat up some tomato soup and to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich. I put the sandwich in the skillet butter side down. I then went to my computer to look up the balance on my card. When I went back into the kitchen I had burnt one whole side of the sandwich so I flipped and thought, "Screw it I'll just eat one side burnt." Well then I tried to flip it to check how cooked it was and it was stuck to the pan despite the butter. I lost it, I had a very serious bipolar moment when I wanted to pull my hair out and scream and kick and cry all at the same time. It's not fair. I had to just toss out everything and eat the soup by itself. It shouldn't be this hard to do normal things. I hate that there are days where one thing happens and it throws everything off. A grilled cheese sandwich shouldn't be able to throw of my entire day but now it has. Now I am in that zone, everything is irritating me, my hair is in a pony tail and I can feel it swishing against my neck which is upsetting me, my skin feels itching and I just feel out of sorts. The day started of so well and now I just want to lay in bed with book, I don't want anyone to talk to me in person or to touch me, especially don't touch me. Poor Rodney never knows what to do when I am like this because you are supposed to hold someone when they feel bad but the last thing I want is for anyone to touch me, my skin is crawling as it is. I can be a big girl and hide it and push through it, I have plenty of times at work and no one has known the difference except that maybe I am a little off. But since that just lengthens how long I feel like this and since I am at home, I am just going to let it do it's thing. I just wish that I wasn't like this. I can't tell you how many times I have start a load of laundry and then they get moldy because I forget about it. I have to hold myself to a strict schedule. This is why I work so well with children, things are repetitive enough in a broad since without becoming mundane. No medicine I have ever taken has helped with this feeling either, they usually just make it worse. ><

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