Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I miss you.

We have a little boy in our daycare who is small for his age. Not underfed or unhealthy, just a petite boy. He allows us to snuggle him for long periods of time. Today he was a little restless when I tried to snuggle him and I almost wanted to cry. He has fair hair and fair skin, in that way he reminds me of Liam. He is tiny like Liam was the last time I saw him. I snuggle with this boy and it helps me to reconcile the loss of my ability to snuggle Liam. I imagine myself holding him, what it would have been like to parent him. What would my reactions have been to his milestones.

I didn't placed Liam because I doubted my ability to raise him. I placed him to protect him from what I perceived to be a bad situation with his birth father. The thought of being forced to send my child into a trailer shared by his grandparents, being surrounded by cigarette smoke day and night. It killed me. I wouldn't trust Liam's birth-father with my pet rock much less a child. Sometimes I find myself very angry with Liam's birth-father because I feel like he put my through this. Some days I feel like I did lose a child. It makes me happy to see him to healthy and happy with his parents. But some days I just miss my son.

I want to hold him and kiss him. But even that can be awkward. He bonded with his parents really well, which is absolutely fantastic. But I just feel weird when I hold him, like I don't have it in me to comfort him. Like I am holding him wrong or I am too tense. It's so strange because I have the capacity to hold the children we care for at the daycare and too soothe them with no problems. How can it be that I am so lost with the child I brought in to this world. What if I am always this awkward around him? Will he notice? Will he think I don't love him? I think it is partly due to the fact that he so much resembles his birth-father to me. It's painful some times to see that innocent face and still see Geoffrey in it.

I am getting my IUD tomorrow and although I know I can have it removed it seems so final. It's almost like proof positive that I won't be having a baby of my own any time soon. I think that is why I have been having nightmares the past few nights. Part of me is scared to do this. I am afraid it means we will keep putting off having another baby until it's too late. Or what if something goes wrong with the IUD and I become sterile? I would be devastated. I cannot imagine not being able to have another child. I know how selfish that sounds. I have had two beautiful, healthy children, who could ask for more? Me. Ever since I had Bailey I knew I wanted more children. My oldest son will be six in October. I never planned for there to be such a gap between my kids. How much longer will I have to wait? Who knows I will just keep praying about it. Until then I will just keep snuggling on the babies at work. They love me and I love them. :)


  1. Proud of you for writing your heart again...don't be scared. You are still so young, and will not even be 30 yet when the Mirena is out. I got mine at 35, with no kids--for me the odds are against me having kids unless I take it out early, but for you there are plenty of years left. You could finish school, get a good career going--a lot of things can happen in five years--and then if you want to have kids closer together so they have playmates you could have two or three more at 30. Bailey may be an only child until he's 10 or 11, but he seems to like it just fine!

  2. It can be very awkward at first, and it can last quite a while. It's so weird because he is your son, yet you are basically a stranger to him. Robbie is about to turn two next month and I have only recently lost the awkward feeling. Basically I faked it 'till I made it. I would force myself to hold him, scoop him up in my arms, kiss him, play with him, etc. until I stopped feeling so awkward.

  3. Hey Val, you are right it's not permanent. I guess I am just disappointed at having to wait again. We had planned on try to conceive again last year before I went through all that I did. So placing Liam was especially hard. Anyhow, everything happens for a reason.

    Hey Ashleigh, thank you so much! I don't feel as guilty for feeling the way I do knowing that I am not the only one. I felt like I had to be the worst birth-mother ever!