I miss you.

We have a little boy in our daycare who is small for his age. Not underfed or unhealthy, just a petite boy. He allows us to snuggle him for long periods of time. Today he was a little restless when I tried to snuggle him and I almost wanted to cry. He has fair hair and fair skin, in that way he reminds me of Liam. He is tiny like Liam was the last time I saw him. I snuggle with this boy and it helps me to reconcile the loss of my ability to snuggle Liam. I imagine myself holding him, what it would have been like to parent him. What would my reactions have been to his milestones.

I didn't placed Liam because I doubted my ability to raise him. I placed him to protect him from what I perceived to be a bad situation with his birth father. The thought of being forced to send my child into a trailer shared by his grandparents, being surrounded by cigarette smoke day and night. It killed me. I wouldn't trust Liam's birth-father with my pet rock much less a child. Sometimes I find myself very angry with Liam's birth-father because I feel like he put my through this. Some days I feel like I did lose a child. It makes me happy to see him to healthy and happy with his parents. But some days I just miss my son.

I want to hold him and kiss him. But even that can be awkward. He bonded with his parents really well, which is absolutely fantastic. But I just feel weird when I hold him, like I don't have it in me to comfort him. Like I am holding him wrong or I am too tense. It's so strange because I have the capacity to hold the children we care for at the daycare and too soothe them with no problems. How can it be that I am so lost with the child I brought in to this world. What if I am always this awkward around him? Will he notice? Will he think I don't love him? I think it is partly due to the fact that he so much resembles his birth-father to me. It's painful some times to see that innocent face and still see Geoffrey in it.

I am getting my IUD tomorrow and although I know I can have it removed it seems so final. It's almost like proof positive that I won't be having a baby of my own any time soon. I think that is why I have been having nightmares the past few nights. Part of me is scared to do this. I am afraid it means we will keep putting off having another baby until it's too late. Or what if something goes wrong with the IUD and I become sterile? I would be devastated. I cannot imagine not being able to have another child. I know how selfish that sounds. I have had two beautiful, healthy children, who could ask for more? Me. Ever since I had Bailey I knew I wanted more children. My oldest son will be six in October. I never planned for there to be such a gap between my kids. How much longer will I have to wait? Who knows I will just keep praying about it. Until then I will just keep snuggling on the babies at work. They love me and I love them. :)