Tuesday, June 28, 2011

"O-o-oh child things are gonna get easier."

Dearest Liam,

As the months seem to whiz by at the speed of light things have gotten easier. I don't constantly feel as if a weight is laying on my chest. It is easier to breathe. However with this new found "freedom" comes guilt. How can I be so ok with this? How can it not hurt as much as it used to when I think of you? Why is my missing you not as painful? I certainly wish I had the answer.

You are growing so fast and are such a handsome boy.Sometimes while I am at work with my daycare kids I wonder, is Liam doing this yet? I wonder if he has started this yet? I bet Liam would really like that too. Sometimes it seems strange to talk about my boys. I can relate to people with children up to the age of five as far as Bailey goes. However when I talk about you I can only relate my pregnancy and your birth. Not that those things weren't equally as beautiful because they unequivocally are. The pain and the heartache and yes even the labor were so worth it.

I know that one day I will have at least one more child and I do worry how I will explain to you why I parented Bailey and that child but wasn't able to parent you. So many racial, social and economical faux pas. I worry that you will not truly know or believe just how much I love you. Adults, especially parents, understand the sacrifice I made and that I did so out of love but I worry. I worry that you will think I took the easy way out, I worry that you will think I was able to place you because I love you less. Oh, of course here come the water works. Whenever I try to convey my love to you my dearest boy I begin to cry. To think it could ever be possible for you to not know my love hurts me. More for selfish reasons I suppose because you are so loved by your parents and their family.

Your brother misses you and asks for you. When I was pregnant with you he begged me endlessly to parent you. I know he can't fully comprehend why things have happened the way they happened but I do know he loves you so very, very much. He talk about his brother Liam all the time. He loves looking at pictures of you. I cried looking at his artwork from school because he drew me pregnant in so many pictures and inside the picture of my belly he drew a little baby you.

So each day passes with it's trials and tribulations and it does get easier. But know this, no matter how much "easier" it gets deciding to place you was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And no matter what happens I will always love you and am so very proud to be your birthmother.

Love Always and Forever,
Birthmommy Heather


  1. You have conveyed exactly what I am living daily, your son longs for exactly what my daughter begs for - their brother back. My biggest fear is just that - that my son will not understand why I placed him, will think I did/do not love him and not want me in his life, when he can choose. All we have is hope, hope that their parents will help them understand just how much we love them, miss them and how much our hearts ache for them. I hope that our days do continue to get easier, and the worries less, and our relationships with our Aparents stronger. So in the end, our sons will understand us, and why we did what we did, purely out of love and wanting the best for them and will want us in their lives, regardless. (((HUGS)))

  2. You know sometimes I forget I am not the first nor probably the last to feel the way I do. Although probably selfish of me I have to say I am grateful to know I am not the only way. Perhaps it means that my decision is validated. I can honestly say I know what you are feeling and I personally am so proud of what you have sacrificed for both of your children. <3