I ain't happy but I'm feeling glad

I have been in this horrible depressed mood for months now. Poor Rodney has had to deal with some serious grouchiness, God bless him. The depression itself doesn't have to do with anything in particular. Just a nasty side affect of being Bipolar.

I did quit smoking and drinking again. It's been 17 days since I've drank and 16 since I've smoked. I am still in the shitty part where I get really nauseous and get horrible headaches. Withdrawal is never fun. It doesn't help my disposition any at all either.

I had a really good birthday thanks to some very special people. I also had quite the revelation. I finally found out what it means to have a good friend. Someone who won't talk badly about you behind your back, someone who won't judge you and honestly cares about your well being. There should be more people in the world like my dear friend, Nikki. I should have known just how good she was when Rodney said he liked her. Rodney's a good judge of character (present company excluded, love is blind, don'tcha know?) and he said, "She always says hello and goodbye to me when she comes to visit. And you are never left in tears after seeing or talking with her." Hm. How very true. I did cry the day after my birthday because my feelings were hurt. A friend or maybe more of an acquaintance of mine from grade school came to my house for my birthday party. Rodney informed me that a mutual friend of ours who was also present at the party said this individual had been trash talking me all day. I was so hurt that I had let this person in my house and around my son. I couldn't understand why they couldn't just say what they felt they needed to while there in my home. It was also especially hurtful to me that our mutual friends would have brought her to my home knowing this. I have distanced myself a great deal from people to avoid this kind of hurt. It is sad to me that when I take the chance to put myself out there that I am proved right. I suppose I will just go back to limiting my exposure to just Nikki. She is a good friend, an honest friend.

Speaking of Nikki, she loaned me her Wii Fit Plus. I have worked out three days in a row on it and I feel great. I am feeling the burn. The Wii is keeping me motivated because it is so encouraging. I really just love it so much! I am eager to see the results of my hard work in a couple of months, hopefully at my wedding! *fingers crossed*

Financially this has been a rough couple of months. Being depressed hasn't helped in the least. I get very discouraged very easily. I applied for unemployment after I was laid off but didn't qualify. I did also apply for disability for my mental health. I'm sure some people will have their opinions on this but my Bipolar is a disability that has kept me from getting jobs and has lost me quite a few. In the last 7 years I have worked 16 different jobs. I was fired, let go or just quit many of them. I am hoping that not only will this disability check help me financially but will also help me to get a job (The American's with Disabilities Act) and help me to get medical insurance so that I can get the treatment I need. If not for my own sanity and happiness than for my son's and his father's. Please keep us in your prayers.

That leads me into my next topic. I really want to get back into church. Bailey does too. This has to become a top priority for me. When I am in church I am so much happier, I am able to function better and I am much more reasonable. Pray for me that I will find the home church I am looking for and soon. I miss being in God's home with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Thanks to my daddy who got me a Kindle, I am reading and doing a lot of puzzles (I was told by a previous therapist that the puzzles will help with my memory, I have trouble sometimes). I am loving it so much and I feel so blessed to have a daddy who loves me so much despite my many faults. I have also been playing Star Wars The Old Republic thanks to Jen. This has to be one of, if not my most, favorite game ever. I love it! Thank you again Jen, you are too good to me!

I started talking to my mother again. It certainly isn't the way it used to be but it hasn't been for a very long time. It may never be that again and maybe that is something I just need to come to terms with. I am afraid she and I are a lot alike in a lot of ways but we are also very, very different. I am thankful that she has been willing to talk with me. She certainly didn't have to. I don't know where the healing process begins but right now there isn't anything she could say or do that would expedite it. My therapist asked me once, "What if you could ask her why she did it and she told you why, would you believe her?" my answer was , 'No.' So the healing begins with me. I need to learn to let go, not just with her but with everyone. I hold on to every single slight anyone has ever dealt me so when they hurt me again I am not just angry because of that one thing. I am angry at every single thing they have ever done to me. That isn't fair to anyone.

Lastly I want to apologize to my little sister. I feel like an utter failure as an example to her. I still cut myself when I am manic. How can she possible take the advice of an alcoholic who cuts herself? How can I preach to her not to burn or cut herself when, I, myself are doing it? I should have been a better big sister to her. I know she isn't perfect but I am proud of how far she has come. I know it can be hard to remember but I was exactly like her at that age, well not nearly as smart. I surely wasn't getting any A's or B's on anything. I was an angry person, a young woman trapped between adulthood and childhood. I was bitter and saddened and just wanted to be happy. I know she will overcome all of this because she is so strong. Sometimes to a fault. I love her so much and I am so thankful to have her as my sister.

We meet again..

Square one we meet again. I started back drinking and smoking which was not only a huge disappointment to everyone I know but to myself as well. I have been in a terrible funk despite having a new job and doing well at it. I started back drinking and smoking and started slacking on my classes. I fight with this depressing feeling of, "what does it matter anyway?" which logically I know isn't true but I find myself thinking it anyway. I find myself thinking things like, "you aren't worth it anyway." and I hate that, I can't figure out why I hate myself so much. I've made my fair share of mistakes but nothing so bad as to hate myself so much. I find myself in this funk making self destructive choices and I feel so badly because so many people have been so supportive of me. I can't thank Rodney enough for sticking with me and standing beside me. I had a good cry about not going to get any wine and Rodney held me and comforted me. I don't know how he stands it. I'm not that good of a person to deal with someone elses sobriety problems. I get frustrated even though I physically understand where they are coming from. It amazes me that he is so understanding when he isn't an addict. So today I didn't drink and who knows what tomorrow will bring but I can't think that far ahead with my sobriety. I just have to make it through this hour of not drinking and then try for the next one and the one after that and so on. One step at a time even if they are baby steps. I can do it. I know I can and I want to if not for me than for all the people who have stood by me and for my boys, they deserve it.

Sunny side up!

I feel like since having been drug back into the drama with certain people recently I have felt depressed, all my posts and blogs reflect my frustration and anger. I walked away for those people and that situation so I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore. I am now walking away again and for good this time. In my world they don't exist.

So on a more positive note, my life is great. I am getting married to the man of my dreams next June. This man who has supported me and loved me, been honest and truthful with me from the day I met him seven years ago. It is so exciting to know this is going to happen for real. I cannot wait to Mrs. Carlock. I look forward to my daddy walking me down the aisle and giving me away.

School is going great, I am doing well in all my classes. One of my teachers actually split up a group that I was in because we answered our worksheet correctly and the fastest. She asked me and one other girl in our group to go help two other groups. It made me feel so good to be singled out in a good way. I love working hard on my papers and having them come back with a score of nine out of ten. I feel accomplished and I can't wait to get my first certificate this December. It is one step on the road of getting my doctorate. My only regret is I wish my Grandmother could see me now, she would be even more proud of who I am today. I know she is watching me from heaven though and helping to gently guide me in the right direction. I love you Grandmother and I miss you!

Although lately I have been feeling a little blue about missing Liam, I am also very happy. It makes me so happy to see his parents beaming with pride and joy in their pictures. I love reading them bragging on his accomplishments and his milestones. I love the three of them so much and although I do miss him I am so glad I gained the three of them in my life. I hope I can get a chance to visit with them soon.

My beautiful baby boy who is not a baby anymore read to me for the first time last week. He sat down with a level two book and read it to me with minimal assistance from me. I am so proud of him and it was the sweetest thing in the world to hear him reading aloud. He is doing so well in school, his teachers are constantly praising him. He is so smart and sweet and outgoing and athletic. God truly blessed me when he gave me Bailey. That boy makes my life worth living.

My amazing little sister is a photographer! I am so proud of her work, she is so very talented not just with her photography but in many aspects of her life. I miss her a lot though. I know we fought a lot but sisters who live together usually do. She is one of the best people to talk to though. I could cry on her shoulder and vent to her during my pregnancy with Liam and she was a great listener and very supportive of me. I miss being able to confide in her face to face. One day soon though that will be possible again and I cannot wait! I really hope she will be able to come to my wedding.

My soon to be mother-in-law said to me yesterday, "You have matured a lot. It's very obvious how much you have grown and are still growing. I am very proud of you." I nearly cried. It means so much to me that people can see the change in me. Certain people still bring out the old me but the people who have been supportive and loving and caring see the changes in me. Being sober for fourteen months has made me realize that I can do anything. Placing Liam in a loving home made me realize that I am a good person. Going back to school has made me realize that I really am smart. Working in my career field has proven to me that I am very good at what I do. They don't call me "The Baby Whisperer" for nothing.

Their are a lot of changes going on in my life and although some are stressful, mostly finances, things are on the up swing. I hope that the people who I have to leave will be understanding because I honestly do love them. Right now I have to provide for my family and so sacrifices must be made. I will keep moving ahead and keep my head up. Thank you all for being understanding and allowing me to vent my anger and frustrations to you. But from now on it's back to the positive and uplifting because only a few can make me that angry and those people are no longer allowed back in my life. I surround myself with good people only.

I'm just saying...

A lot has been weighing on my mind recently. A very dear friend of mine is placing her baby for adoption with some family of hers. I have good feelings about open adoption but if I could I would spare every woman from the pain of placing a child. Certainly there are a lot of positives to placing. My son is happy and healthy with good people for parents. He will have better opportunities that his birth father and myself could not have provided him. I was able to get a job, go back to school and fix my relationship with Bailey and his father.

 I have never miscarried a child but I cannot begin to imagine nor do I want to compare what I went through to that. However, the loss and grief I felt was comparable to losing a loved one to death. Maybe more. I lost my Grandmother last year to ALS (Lou Gerhigs Disease) and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Placing Liam was by far worse. I have really good days when I look at pictures of him and it makes me smile from ear to ear and then other days when I have a phantom "kick" that makes me burst into tears.

My dear friend said to me, 'I don't know how you did it.' I didn't know what to say. I cut myself off emotionally from my child, I denied myself access to him at the hospital, I refused to see him without his parents present. Oh certainly I would day dream ridiculous things that would some how "allow" me to keep my son, even going so far as to imagining his birth father being locked up for the next 20 years. I always knew none of them were feasible. They were simply a coping mechanism.

I know now that had I parented Liam, Rodney and I wouldn't have survived as a couple. And although it was never a matter of Liam vs. Rodney, I wondered for a while if we could have done it. But there are some days when I am simply paralyzed with grief over Liam and Rodney can't always handle it. It hurts him and it hurts me. He envisioned us as a family, Bailey, Heather and Rodney. When Bailey and I did a photo shoot with Liam and his parents at the IAC (Independent Adoption Center) annual picnic in Atlanta, I told Rodney we would be taking pictures. When he saw me previewing them he got upset, he said, "I didn't know they were going to be family pictures." I understand why he is upset and I allow him that. I can only hope that he can understand that is no possible way that I can ever not love my children.

I was planning on taking a trip up to see Liam but with our current financial situation and the tension between Rodney and I over Liam, I think it may be best to wait. Although, I so desperately want to hold that little boy in my arms and kiss his little face. I sometimes find myself envious of people with babies, the way the hold them or if the breastfeed them. I didn't breastfeed Bailey and although I did pump for Liam a big part of me wants to know the feeling of holding my child so close to my chest and feeding them from my body. I want to build that bond with my baby. Just writing this now has my throat burning and my eyes full of tears.

As a teen I didn't want to be a mother and even though I love Bailey very much it took me a long time to realize that I was a mother and that I came second to him. Now, I am so proud to be a mother, to be a birth mother. All I want in this world is to be a mother, to be a good mother. I want to hold my children and kiss away their pains. Oh how I miss my son. I miss him when I wake in the morning and when I put Bailey to bed at night. My body has carried to beautiful healthy children to term. I struggled through two labors with my boys face down. Yet, each night I bathe one child, I dress one child, I kiss one child goodnight and I tuck one child into bed. I know I should feel blessed to have my one child and I do, oh I do! I love Bailey so much I never thought it was possible. But some days, some days I am so angry. So bitter. Why did this happen to me? Why oh why Lord?! I can't say I didn't deserve it because I was a wretched person. I can't say that it wasn't meant to happen, I needed it to help me turn my life around. I have been sober for 13 months now thanks to Liam.

My little sister whom I love so very much is so much like me it's scary. She reminds me a lot of me at 17 which if you knew me at all back then is not a good thing. I try to tell her, try to explain to her that she doesn't want this. She doesn't want the pain I have suffered. She doesn't want it. But until you have a had a child you cannot fathom what the loss of a child could possibly be like. I pray for her daily, please God help her find her way back. Don't let her have to go through what I have had to go through. Help her to see that Kim and Roy are no good. Just one more year, let her survive living with the devil in that house for just one more year. And baby sister, if you are reading this know that I love you with all my heart and there is nothing you can ever do or say to make me stop loving you. I wish you could call me so you could her the sounds of my sobs as I cry out, "I want my baby, I want my baby!" I wish you could see the pain on my face as the tears steadily run a hot trail down my face.

My little brother doesn't talk to me anymore. That breaks my heart because he was my best friend. I guess my disowning Kim made him dislike me. I hope that one day he can forgive me and understand why, although I miss him and love him, I cannot let her back into my life. I have to protect my son from her. I have to protect myself from her and if I could I'd protect our sister from her. And little brother if you are reading this know that I love you and nothing you say or do will ever make me stop loving you. I have missed you so bad that is hurts. I used to be able to talk to you about everything. When I was pregnant with Liam some times I felt so alone, so many people had a vested interest in my placing Liam. You would have just listened though. I really needed that then. I hope that one day soon you will reach out to me. Bailey misses you.

I laid in my bed and sobbed so hard I couldn't make a sound. I wanted my daddy so bad and I wanted my mommy so bad, not Kim obviously. At 24 years old I just wanted to lay my head down in my mommy's lap and feel her soft, small, cool hand on my brow. I wanted to climb into my daddy's lap and have him wrap me up into a bear hug like the papa bear that he is. I miss being a little girl, I miss my daddy hugging away all the hurts and his ability to make everything better by simply kissing the top of my head and saying, "It's all going to be ok." I am expected to be an adult now. I have to be a big girl and I don't want to be. But I have my own son who needs to climb up in my lap so that I can wrap him up in a big bear hug, kiss the top of his head and say, "It's all going to be ok."

School starts next week so I will probably write less. I need to get my game face on I don't have time to mope or fret. I am excited to be starting this new chapter in my life. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my sons. I love them both very, very much. I hope they always know that.

Another Manic Day

I just stood in my kitchen rinsing off dishes and asking myself why they weren't in the dishwasher. Meanwhile the dishwasher is audibly running directly next to me. I hear this, I acknowledge this and then I proceed to try to open it to load the new dirty dishes into it. Damn it.

On the other side of the kitchen the stove is on 350 degrees, it has been on like this for over an hour because I started cooking dinner at 6:30. Dinner has been done since 7. I left the oven on again. I do this sometimes and thank God most of the time Rodney notices.

Bailey sits at the bar on the stool. I have chopsticks sitting on a dish across one another. Bailey has a habit of picking them up or messing with them. He bumped into one and it rolled off onto the counter. I had to struggle not to scream at him. He and Rodney play with these things that are set up just the way I want them and it gives me a headache to think about it. I placed it up there and asked Bailey to please not mess with them for what feels like the umpteenth time. I guess I made a weird gesture because he just looked at me and backed out of the room.

After discussing a financial transaction with my boss I tried to explain to Rodney what it was she was trying to do. I tried to work out whether or not it would be benificial for us at this time. I know I knew at one point what my standing was on it but for the life of me I could not put it into words. It was like trying to get a hold of a stream of water, it kept slipping away. Rodney could see how frustrated I was getting and said he would handle it. This is why Rodney handles our finances, I am easily confused when it comes to money or numbers of any kind really.

I feel on edge, not mad or upset just like my skin is crawling. I want to just go to work, go to school, be with my boys as much as possible and plan my wedding. Right now I don't want to worry about anything else. I hate how selfish that sounds because of course I am empathetic to my family and friends. I just can't divide my focus any more than I already have.

My boss asked me how Liam was doing and it felt like a great effort to bring him to mind. Not that I have forgotten him but right now my attention span is short, my thoughts are jumbled and hard to hold onto. It is taking me so long just to get all of this together. I felt myself getting aggravated not because she asked but just frustration at not being able to hold the thought, to put it together. It's like having a puzzle and knowing that once put together it should be a flower, but what kind? How big? What color? Where to begin? Edge pieces first?

Rodney emailed me something to look over and edit. I read it three times and had no idea what I had read. This is uncommon for me. My reading comprehension has always been above average. I scored college level when I was in the 6th grade. I had to ask him a couple of times what it was he wanted. I finally got it done but it still felt incomplete.

I am writing this to kind of keep notes of days that are different, off, manic, depressive, etc. I want to be able to print them and take them with me to my psychiatrist whenever I manage to get medicaid. I keep forgetting to go to the DFACS office. I need to talk to my school adviser about my future goals, I need to fax my petition for graduation and I still need to check with financial aid to see that all my paperwork is complete.

Hopefully this will have gone away by tomorrow, Bailey's orientation for school is tomorrow. I'd like to have my thoughts together especially for that. I apologize if I managed to offend anyone today or if I manage to offend anyone tomorrow.

So blessed!

So much is going on right now but all of it for the better. I cannot believe I am finally going back to school! I am excited to be getting a good education that will help to support me in my goal of better supporting my family. I enjoy buying nice things for my family, providing healthy, delicious, home cooked meals for my boys and helping to put a roof over our heads. A better education means a better position in my career field. I am excited about the future, about what new possibilities having a degree can do for me. I am also very excited to just learn, to become even more knowledgeable about children and education. I was so proud after I got my compass placement test scores back, it was the same feeling I had when I got my G.E.D. transcripts. I did it!

After everything that happened last year I could only hope that Rodney would forgive me. That we could get back to a place of mutual love and respect. I could only dream of planning our wedding together so soon. I sincerely can say that I have never loved Rodney more and couldn't imagine it being possible for me to love him even more but it seems like everyday we grow closer. Rodney's Grandma said to me the other day, "I think you guys are ready, it's time. You both have matured a lot. You had a lot of growing up to do and you did it." That was the best compliment I could have received. I became a mother at 18 and felt entitled. I felt I deserved respect for being an adult and for being a mother. I also was certain that I knew everything. I have come to realize I know very little indeed. But with that I am ready to learn. I am so excited to be getting married to Rodney. I cannot wait to say my vows and to MEAN them. He truly is the light of my life, my knight in shinning armor. I mean to live every day of my life trying to be the woman he deserves to have. I am so looking forward to spending the rest of my life by his side as Mrs. Rodney E Carlock Jr.

Although little things happen each week that aren't always happy or upbeat, I have so much more to live for than I ever had realized before. So all those minor things are exactly that, minor. I won't let one thing or one person steal my happiness, I deserve that much and I intend to have it. God has continually blessed me and I am ever grateful for His love.

"Mrs. Hogwallop up and R-U-N-N-O-F-T. "

Well I warned you it may be a little bit before I posted again. I was right too, wasn't I?

So this past Saturday I ran/walked my first race ever. I did the Chamblee 5K. I actually completed it! I was able to finish it in 46 minutes and 52 seconds. As I started off there was a group of people walking behind me. I sped walked and jogged on and off. Then I got a stitch in my side right after the first mile, 14 minutes in. A guy came up behind me looking about 15 months pregnant (not a typo the dude had a huge gut), then he passed me. How very depressing, then an older couple came up next. Finally two women, one with a stroller came up along side me. They were the very last people. We came to an intersection where they were holding up traffic for us. A cop on a motorcycle came up beside us and said, "Come ladies let's do this!" So the three of us jogged across the intersection and once we crossed the cop sounded his siren in celebration for us. I sped up not wanting to be stuck with the mom team and the stroller. I caught up with the guy who looked very pregnant. We started to go down hill and were getting close to the finish line. I burst into tears sobbing. I thought to myself, "I cannot be last damn it!" I thought about all that I had lost and gave up this past year. All the sacrifices I made out of love for my sons, for the love of my life, for my family. This is the ONE good thing I have done for myself. I quit smoking for Liam and I quit drinking for Liam, I stayed quit for Bailey and Rodney. But this, this running, it is mine. I do this for ME. I took off down the hill and pregnant guy says to me, "Yeah I am trying to just walk it I had surgery on a hernia last year so I haven't worked out for 8 months." So I looked at him and smiled, "I just gave birth two months ago yesterday, so I am in the same boat." He looked shocked and then said, "Well good luck!" So I began power walking again. I came around the corner and saw my mom coming to meet me. She said, "Come on, let's run it out the rest of the way." So I did. I honestly didn't think I had anything left in me. I was beat but seeing that finish line I had to go for it. I ran. I full out ran. My lungs were burning, my legs were jelly but damn it I made it. That was the best feeling I have had in the longest time. It took everything in me not to burst into tears. I CANNOT wait to do it again.

That night we went bowling with my mom and her boyfriend to celebrate Rodney's 27th birthday. It was SO nice to bowl again. I actually bowled over a hundred again which I hadn't done in so long. I was so sore from running but it was nice to get out and socialize. It was good to see that I could resist the temptation to drink. Usually when we bowl or go out at all I drink Obviously when I was pregnant with Liam I couldn't do that and it was easy to say, "No." because I was looking out for Liam. Having come so far and having learned to love myself again, I can say, "No." for me now. I love myself enough to not have that drink. It felt SO good!

Sunday we all got up and went to church which was nice. My feet were killing me though because my dumb self decided to wear three inch heels after having run that race the day before. >< We spent most of the day with my soon-to-be in-laws. Rodney's mom and I have not always gotten along but I think that I have changed so much for the better that we were able to actually communicate really well. I had a GREAT time hanging out with her, she had me laughing so hard at times. She had started a roast before we got there and I made Shepherds pie per Rodney's request. Donna, Rodney's mom, had never had Shepherd's Pie but she loved it! I was so glad. She asked me how my race went and said she wanted to be at the finish line to cheer me on for the next one. That meant so much to me. Then my big brother, Rodney's little brother Eric, showed up. It was really nice to hear him bragging about me on the phone to a friend of ours. I am so proud of Eric he has taken up some sort of martial arts training. It sounds really intense and I am so proud of him for sticking with it. He is planning to race as well, hopefully Rodney will start racing with us. He will probably blow us all away when he does start considering that is what he did in High School. He still has runner's legs.

Anyhow, life is good. I love my job and my employer. She has to be the most thoughtful person I have ever worked for. She makes me feel good about myself. I find that I have started surrounding myself with happy, positive and uplifting people. Thus my life is happier, more positive and definitely uplifted! I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who are so supportive and believing of me! 

I have learned that sacrificing things for my loved ones is not a bad thing, in fact it feels pretty darn good. Yesterday Rodney and I had an argument, big deal, right? We usually resolve our arguments or disagreement pretty quickly. By the time Rodney get's home from work we are not mad anymore. Yesterday, however, we were both still pretty upset when he got home. Rodney's computer desk is in our closet because it is a HUGE walk-in closet that connects to the bedroom and the bathroom. The closet door that leads to the bedroom doesn't close though because Rodney has his pull up bar installed there to work-out. Well I guess he was mad enough that he wanted to close me out because he tried his damnedest to get that bar down, it would have been comical if we both had not been so angry still.

I decided I would go to the gym and work off my anger. It worked, I felt great when I got back home. Unfortunately my working out did not get rid of Rodney's anger. I took a shower, mostly because I had just sweat everywhere but also to give Rodney some more time to cool off. Nope, he was still angry. So I decided to go to the store, I asked Rodney if he wanted anything. He said, "No". Rodney is a man of few words to most people, I am not most people though and he can talk me to death. When he starts giving me one word answers things are bad. I went to the store and picked up a few things I needed for myself. However, the reason I was there was to pick up a peace offering to give to Rodney. The way to a man's heart is indeed through his stomach. I had already made his favorite dish, Shepherds Pie and his favorite drink, my sweet tea. It was time to break out the big guns. I bought him Slimjims, Chips Ahoy! Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies (Yuck! My least favorite.) and his ultimate favorite Gardetto's Roasted Garlic Rye Chips (which are hard to find but somehow my ghetto Ingles carries them).

I brought them all back to Rodney, I showed him the cookies and he grunted. I showed him the Gardetto's and he tried to hide his surprise and then I showed him the Slimjims and he cautiously took them from me and began eating them. Before long, we were laughing and joking. I don't feel like I was wrong in our argument yesterday, but I don't usually feel like I am wrong or I wouldn't argue my point. However, is it more important for me to win? No. Sometimes it's ok to say sorry even when you don't think you are wrong, just because it will help to smooth things over. It is ok to make a peace offering. Sometimes I am the one who does this and other times it is Rodney. I have learned with Rodney it is best to show him you care or that you are sorry than to tell him. Hence, the food. Rodney knows that if I go to the store and I bring him back something it means he was on my mind, the fact that I brought back three somethings means I couldn't stop thinking about him. If we hadn't cut off his soda drinking I would have brought him back that too. I love him with all my heart and I am ok with saying I am sorry even when I am not wrong. He is worth it to me. :D

My first pregnancy and the birth of my first child.

I got pregnant with my first son Bailey in January of 2005. Right out of jail. For what you say? Alcohol, my greatest downfalls have always been because of alcohol or should I say alcohol is my greatest downfall. But God blessed me with my pregnancy with my first son, little did I know that it was a blessing. I was already madly in love with his father Rodney, my knight in shinning armor literally. He gave me a place to live, took me in and took care of me. We had met each other at our job at Pizza Hut six months before that. Both making barely any money working part time at that lousy job. Rodney was a full time student at the Art Institute of Atlanta. He worked his butt off and went to school. I was a high school drop out and a criminal. A match made in heaven, no?

Needless to say when we found out we were pregnant it was a big shock. I was eighteen (just barely) and Rodney was turning twenty-one that April. We were still babies ourselves, only we didn't know it. We thought we knew it all, knew we were adults and had all the answers. Bailey fixed that assumption for us, he not so politely taught us that in fact we knew nothing at all. Once we decided we were keeping our baby, I began to pray. I prayed for a little boy. Not for a healthy child or something a little less vain. I wanted a little boy for Rodney so badly, I would pray while I was throwing up what I had managed to eat into the toilet. "Please God, let this be a boy!, Please, God, please!" I remember the tears streaming down my face as I'd continue to throw up my stomach acid. I was so frustrated that I couldn't eat and even more frustrated that I was so hungry.

Looking at me now it's hard to believe I used to be a size five. I was when I got pregnant with Bailey. I will probably never be a size five again, not because I can't lose the weight but because my body shape changed so much since having Bailey and now since having Liam as well. I am so OK with that now though, I used to long for my teenage body back. I wanted to look like I did before. Now, I look like a woman, like a mother. I have round hips and breasts that scream I was made to be a mother. I love it, I love my body now more since getting pregnant with Liam than I ever have. I am finally confident in it. Anyhow, I digress.

I was a skinny little thing when I was pregnant with Bailey, I was lucky enough to fit most of my clothes for most of my pregnancy. After getting past the first trimester of throwing up everything that went down I really enjoyed my pregnancy. Only towards the end did I swell in my feet and face, I also had heartburn but only occasionally and it wasn't too bad. I was skinny with a little round belly. I loved going to the pool with my bikini on and my round belly all out. I did manage to get myself a good sunburn doing that. I don't usually put sunscreen on, I know, I know, but no one told me that when you are pregnant your skin is even more sensitive to the sun. I burned up a nice tomato red.

 I didn't take any birthing classes, I read a lot of books but didn't really study breathing or pain management or anything. I made the usual false alarm trips to the hospital, which was a huge deal for us because we lived a good 30-40 minutes from our hospital. For those of you who have not been to Wellstar Cobb Hospital, it is totally worth the drive. I went in to labor on October 18th at 8 in the morning, a day before his due date. My water didn't break however, I was just having contractions (felt like menstrual cramping) every seven minutes. Rodney who was already at work got a frantic phone call not from me but from his brother. His younger brother sat with me begging me not to have the baby yet, while we waited for Rodney to get home. Rodney finally did, although not fast enough to satisfy his brother. We hoped in the car and left for the hospital.

We did a lot of waiting after that. I wasn't dilated far enough so they had me walk the halls. I finally got dilated to a seven and then sat at a seven for what seemed like forever. Then all of a sudden I was dilated to ten. I had an epidural with my first son, I knew that I wanted all the pain med's they could give me. Unfortunately that doesn't always work out for the best. With my mom, my biological mother, Rodney and his mother on the left side of me I began feeling the urge to push. They stuck a tiny little nurse at the end of my bed with a towel in her hand. I was supposed to pull on one end and she on the other. I damn near pulled that tiny little girl into the bed with me, so we nixed that idea. I did a lot of pushing for a very long time with Bailey. I was so numb from the epidural down that I couldn't feel where to push. He was also face-up which makes it really hard for their heads to fit through the birth canal. It was a very frustrating and exhausting process especially for a girl my age.

Bailey did finally makes his way out after the doctor threatened a C-section and then got the vacuum. With an episiotomy and the vacuum he managed to make his way out at 8:50 that night. He was 7 lbs 11 oz and 19 inches long. He had a cone head from the vacuum and looked a little pale to me. I expected my biracial son to come out a little darker than he did. It took a little while for him to get darker and he still isn't all that dark (except during the summer when he becomes a nice beautiful coconut brown.). He had soft straight black hair that felt like silk to the touch. That all fell out later and his nice medium brown nappy curls came in but that is further along in the story. This is just about my pregnancy and the birth of my first son.

I quit drinking when I was pregnant with Bailey, I never really quit smoking, just cut back. I hid a lot of that from Rodney. He spent a lot of his time trying to keep me in check while I spent a lot of my time trying to work around him. I wanted to be eighteen and was not interested in being pregnant and having my actions not only affect me but our child as well. I don't know what I ever did to deserve a good man like Rodney. He has never given up on me, never let me down, never walked away from me. Like I said previously I was headed down a very bad road and God gave me Rodney who gave me Bailey. Don't worry I will post my pregnancy and the birth of Liam soon too. But seeing as Bailey is the big brother and came first I felt his story needed to be told first.

In the beginning...

there was a girl. But if I started WAY back then, I'd be here for days. So instead I'll just give an overview. I became a mother at the ripe old age of 18 to the most amazing little boy, Bailey. I'll tell you all about that birth story another time. This is just an overview remember? If it were not for that most amazing little boy and his father, I'd be in prison or dead. I was very much headed down a bad road. The road I ended up taking instead was not necessarily the easy one and I met my fair share of problems but it made me the woman I am today. I have said this before and sometimes felt ashamed because I knew that I didn't really like the woman that I was. That has changed. And that change happened when I got pregnant with my second son, Liam.

He, too, has saved my life. The alcohol had taken over my existence leaving behind a very undesirable person when he was conceived. I placed my second son up for adoption, this was both the hardest and the easiest decision of my life. There is nothing I wouldn't do, nothing I wouldn't sacrifice for my children. Both of them. I love my sons more than I ever thought was humanly possible. In fact I love Bailey even more now having given birth to his half-brother than I did before . How is it possible that having another child can make room for even more love in your heart for not just that child but for the previous one as well? I cannot explain it. It should not be possible but it is like pouring water into a glass that continues to expand so that it may hold as much water as you can pour into it.

Two days ago I visited with my second son and his parents. I knew that I loved them like they were my own flesh and blood from the moment I spoke with them over the phone. A phone call that lasted four hours and somehow only felt like mere minutes in which we crammed a life time. Feeling their love and acceptance of me, I could not doubt that they would just as easily love and accept my baby too. It was so interesting and enlightening to meet with them and Liam. Having met them before I gave birth I knew them as they were, two adults, two very amazing adults but just two adults. Two days ago it was like I met them all over again but this time I met them as two parents, two very amazing parents. They had assumed their new identity wholly and it was like they had always been parents. Watching them both looking so lovingly down at the face of their son was one of the most beautiful things I have ever been lucky enough to witness. The love they have for Liam is more than any mother could hope for.

 In a lot of ways Liam is even more lucky than Bailey, he not only has me but he has his half-brother and both his parents and their entire family and mine! All that love surrounding him, supporting him and helping him to grow into the man he is destined to be. I have decided that when I am asked to describe myself I will no longer say I am a blank year old mother of an amazing blank year old little boy named Bailey but will instead add to that, and birth mother to an awesome blank year old little boy named Liam.

When going for a job interview recently I debated over whether or not to mention the recent adoption of my son. I decided that I have nothing to be ashamed of, I am not ashamed of Liam, I am not ashamed of my decision to place him for adoption, I am not ashamed that I am pumping to donate to him. No, I am proud! I am proud of Liam, I am proud of his parents, I am proud of Bailey for taking this in stride, I am proud that I was able to say, "I can't provide for Liam all that he needs so I will instead find someone who can.", I am proud that I did just that, I am proud that I am pumping and donating, and I am proud to be a birth mother. I owe my life to my children and willing would do anything for both of them. In this blog I plan to write what I feel. Not just about Liam but about Bailey, about being a mother and about being a birth mother. I will probably compare my pregnancy with Bailey to my pregnancy with Liam, as well as the birth and the resulting emotions.

So in the beginning of this blog there was a 24 year old mother to an amazing 5 year old little boy named Bailey and an awesome 10 day old little boy named Liam.