I have been in this horrible depressed mood for months now. Poor Rodney has had to deal with some serious grouchiness, God bless him. The depression itself doesn't have to do with anything in particular. Just a nasty side affect of being Bipolar.
I did quit smoking and drinking again. It's been 17 days since I've drank and 16 since I've smoked. I am still in the shitty part where I get really nauseous and get horrible headaches. Withdrawal is never fun. It doesn't help my disposition any at all either.
I had a really good birthday thanks to some very special people. I also had quite the revelation. I finally found out what it means to have a good friend. Someone who won't talk badly about you behind your back, someone who won't judge you and honestly cares about your well being. There should be more people in the world like my dear friend, Nikki. I should have known just how good she was when Rodney said he liked her. Rodney's a good judge of character (present company excluded, love is blind, don'tcha know?) and he said, "She always says hello and goodbye to me when she comes to visit. And you are never left in tears after seeing or talking with her." Hm. How very true. I did cry the day after my birthday because my feelings were hurt. A friend or maybe more of an acquaintance of mine from grade school came to my house for my birthday party. Rodney informed me that a mutual friend of ours who was also present at the party said this individual had been trash talking me all day. I was so hurt that I had let this person in my house and around my son. I couldn't understand why they couldn't just say what they felt they needed to while there in my home. It was also especially hurtful to me that our mutual friends would have brought her to my home knowing this. I have distanced myself a great deal from people to avoid this kind of hurt. It is sad to me that when I take the chance to put myself out there that I am proved right. I suppose I will just go back to limiting my exposure to just Nikki. She is a good friend, an honest friend.
Speaking of Nikki, she loaned me her Wii Fit Plus. I have worked out three days in a row on it and I feel great. I am feeling the burn. The Wii is keeping me motivated because it is so encouraging. I really just love it so much! I am eager to see the results of my hard work in a couple of months, hopefully at my wedding! *fingers crossed*
Financially this has been a rough couple of months. Being depressed hasn't helped in the least. I get very discouraged very easily. I applied for unemployment after I was laid off but didn't qualify. I did also apply for disability for my mental health. I'm sure some people will have their opinions on this but my Bipolar is a disability that has kept me from getting jobs and has lost me quite a few. In the last 7 years I have worked 16 different jobs. I was fired, let go or just quit many of them. I am hoping that not only will this disability check help me financially but will also help me to get a job (The American's with Disabilities Act) and help me to get medical insurance so that I can get the treatment I need. If not for my own sanity and happiness than for my son's and his father's. Please keep us in your prayers.
That leads me into my next topic. I really want to get back into church. Bailey does too. This has to become a top priority for me. When I am in church I am so much happier, I am able to function better and I am much more reasonable. Pray for me that I will find the home church I am looking for and soon. I miss being in God's home with my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Thanks to my daddy who got me a Kindle, I am reading and doing a lot of puzzles (I was told by a previous therapist that the puzzles will help with my memory, I have trouble sometimes). I am loving it so much and I feel so blessed to have a daddy who loves me so much despite my many faults. I have also been playing Star Wars The Old Republic thanks to Jen. This has to be one of, if not my most, favorite game ever. I love it! Thank you again Jen, you are too good to me!
I started talking to my mother again. It certainly isn't the way it used to be but it hasn't been for a very long time. It may never be that again and maybe that is something I just need to come to terms with. I am afraid she and I are a lot alike in a lot of ways but we are also very, very different. I am thankful that she has been willing to talk with me. She certainly didn't have to. I don't know where the healing process begins but right now there isn't anything she could say or do that would expedite it. My therapist asked me once, "What if you could ask her why she did it and she told you why, would you believe her?" my answer was , 'No.' So the healing begins with me. I need to learn to let go, not just with her but with everyone. I hold on to every single slight anyone has ever dealt me so when they hurt me again I am not just angry because of that one thing. I am angry at every single thing they have ever done to me. That isn't fair to anyone.
Lastly I want to apologize to my little sister. I feel like an utter failure as an example to her. I still cut myself when I am manic. How can she possible take the advice of an alcoholic who cuts herself? How can I preach to her not to burn or cut herself when, I, myself are doing it? I should have been a better big sister to her. I know she isn't perfect but I am proud of how far she has come. I know it can be hard to remember but I was exactly like her at that age, well not nearly as smart. I surely wasn't getting any A's or B's on anything. I was an angry person, a young woman trapped between adulthood and childhood. I was bitter and saddened and just wanted to be happy. I know she will overcome all of this because she is so strong. Sometimes to a fault. I love her so much and I am so thankful to have her as my sister.
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Sunday, August 21, 2011
I'm just saying...
A lot has been weighing on my mind recently. A very dear friend of mine is placing her baby for adoption with some family of hers. I have good feelings about open adoption but if I could I would spare every woman from the pain of placing a child. Certainly there are a lot of positives to placing. My son is happy and healthy with good people for parents. He will have better opportunities that his birth father and myself could not have provided him. I was able to get a job, go back to school and fix my relationship with Bailey and his father.
I have never miscarried a child but I cannot begin to imagine nor do I want to compare what I went through to that. However, the loss and grief I felt was comparable to losing a loved one to death. Maybe more. I lost my Grandmother last year to ALS (Lou Gerhigs Disease) and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Placing Liam was by far worse. I have really good days when I look at pictures of him and it makes me smile from ear to ear and then other days when I have a phantom "kick" that makes me burst into tears.
My dear friend said to me, 'I don't know how you did it.' I didn't know what to say. I cut myself off emotionally from my child, I denied myself access to him at the hospital, I refused to see him without his parents present. Oh certainly I would day dream ridiculous things that would some how "allow" me to keep my son, even going so far as to imagining his birth father being locked up for the next 20 years. I always knew none of them were feasible. They were simply a coping mechanism.
I know now that had I parented Liam, Rodney and I wouldn't have survived as a couple. And although it was never a matter of Liam vs. Rodney, I wondered for a while if we could have done it. But there are some days when I am simply paralyzed with grief over Liam and Rodney can't always handle it. It hurts him and it hurts me. He envisioned us as a family, Bailey, Heather and Rodney. When Bailey and I did a photo shoot with Liam and his parents at the IAC (Independent Adoption Center) annual picnic in Atlanta, I told Rodney we would be taking pictures. When he saw me previewing them he got upset, he said, "I didn't know they were going to be family pictures." I understand why he is upset and I allow him that. I can only hope that he can understand that is no possible way that I can ever not love my children.
I was planning on taking a trip up to see Liam but with our current financial situation and the tension between Rodney and I over Liam, I think it may be best to wait. Although, I so desperately want to hold that little boy in my arms and kiss his little face. I sometimes find myself envious of people with babies, the way the hold them or if the breastfeed them. I didn't breastfeed Bailey and although I did pump for Liam a big part of me wants to know the feeling of holding my child so close to my chest and feeding them from my body. I want to build that bond with my baby. Just writing this now has my throat burning and my eyes full of tears.
As a teen I didn't want to be a mother and even though I love Bailey very much it took me a long time to realize that I was a mother and that I came second to him. Now, I am so proud to be a mother, to be a birth mother. All I want in this world is to be a mother, to be a good mother. I want to hold my children and kiss away their pains. Oh how I miss my son. I miss him when I wake in the morning and when I put Bailey to bed at night. My body has carried to beautiful healthy children to term. I struggled through two labors with my boys face down. Yet, each night I bathe one child, I dress one child, I kiss one child goodnight and I tuck one child into bed. I know I should feel blessed to have my one child and I do, oh I do! I love Bailey so much I never thought it was possible. But some days, some days I am so angry. So bitter. Why did this happen to me? Why oh why Lord?! I can't say I didn't deserve it because I was a wretched person. I can't say that it wasn't meant to happen, I needed it to help me turn my life around. I have been sober for 13 months now thanks to Liam.
My little sister whom I love so very much is so much like me it's scary. She reminds me a lot of me at 17 which if you knew me at all back then is not a good thing. I try to tell her, try to explain to her that she doesn't want this. She doesn't want the pain I have suffered. She doesn't want it. But until you have a had a child you cannot fathom what the loss of a child could possibly be like. I pray for her daily, please God help her find her way back. Don't let her have to go through what I have had to go through. Help her to see that Kim and Roy are no good. Just one more year, let her survive living with the devil in that house for just one more year. And baby sister, if you are reading this know that I love you with all my heart and there is nothing you can ever do or say to make me stop loving you. I wish you could call me so you could her the sounds of my sobs as I cry out, "I want my baby, I want my baby!" I wish you could see the pain on my face as the tears steadily run a hot trail down my face.
My little brother doesn't talk to me anymore. That breaks my heart because he was my best friend. I guess my disowning Kim made him dislike me. I hope that one day he can forgive me and understand why, although I miss him and love him, I cannot let her back into my life. I have to protect my son from her. I have to protect myself from her and if I could I'd protect our sister from her. And little brother if you are reading this know that I love you and nothing you say or do will ever make me stop loving you. I have missed you so bad that is hurts. I used to be able to talk to you about everything. When I was pregnant with Liam some times I felt so alone, so many people had a vested interest in my placing Liam. You would have just listened though. I really needed that then. I hope that one day soon you will reach out to me. Bailey misses you.
I laid in my bed and sobbed so hard I couldn't make a sound. I wanted my daddy so bad and I wanted my mommy so bad, not Kim obviously. At 24 years old I just wanted to lay my head down in my mommy's lap and feel her soft, small, cool hand on my brow. I wanted to climb into my daddy's lap and have him wrap me up into a bear hug like the papa bear that he is. I miss being a little girl, I miss my daddy hugging away all the hurts and his ability to make everything better by simply kissing the top of my head and saying, "It's all going to be ok." I am expected to be an adult now. I have to be a big girl and I don't want to be. But I have my own son who needs to climb up in my lap so that I can wrap him up in a big bear hug, kiss the top of his head and say, "It's all going to be ok."
School starts next week so I will probably write less. I need to get my game face on I don't have time to mope or fret. I am excited to be starting this new chapter in my life. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my sons. I love them both very, very much. I hope they always know that.
I have never miscarried a child but I cannot begin to imagine nor do I want to compare what I went through to that. However, the loss and grief I felt was comparable to losing a loved one to death. Maybe more. I lost my Grandmother last year to ALS (Lou Gerhigs Disease) and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Placing Liam was by far worse. I have really good days when I look at pictures of him and it makes me smile from ear to ear and then other days when I have a phantom "kick" that makes me burst into tears.
My dear friend said to me, 'I don't know how you did it.' I didn't know what to say. I cut myself off emotionally from my child, I denied myself access to him at the hospital, I refused to see him without his parents present. Oh certainly I would day dream ridiculous things that would some how "allow" me to keep my son, even going so far as to imagining his birth father being locked up for the next 20 years. I always knew none of them were feasible. They were simply a coping mechanism.
I know now that had I parented Liam, Rodney and I wouldn't have survived as a couple. And although it was never a matter of Liam vs. Rodney, I wondered for a while if we could have done it. But there are some days when I am simply paralyzed with grief over Liam and Rodney can't always handle it. It hurts him and it hurts me. He envisioned us as a family, Bailey, Heather and Rodney. When Bailey and I did a photo shoot with Liam and his parents at the IAC (Independent Adoption Center) annual picnic in Atlanta, I told Rodney we would be taking pictures. When he saw me previewing them he got upset, he said, "I didn't know they were going to be family pictures." I understand why he is upset and I allow him that. I can only hope that he can understand that is no possible way that I can ever not love my children.
I was planning on taking a trip up to see Liam but with our current financial situation and the tension between Rodney and I over Liam, I think it may be best to wait. Although, I so desperately want to hold that little boy in my arms and kiss his little face. I sometimes find myself envious of people with babies, the way the hold them or if the breastfeed them. I didn't breastfeed Bailey and although I did pump for Liam a big part of me wants to know the feeling of holding my child so close to my chest and feeding them from my body. I want to build that bond with my baby. Just writing this now has my throat burning and my eyes full of tears.
As a teen I didn't want to be a mother and even though I love Bailey very much it took me a long time to realize that I was a mother and that I came second to him. Now, I am so proud to be a mother, to be a birth mother. All I want in this world is to be a mother, to be a good mother. I want to hold my children and kiss away their pains. Oh how I miss my son. I miss him when I wake in the morning and when I put Bailey to bed at night. My body has carried to beautiful healthy children to term. I struggled through two labors with my boys face down. Yet, each night I bathe one child, I dress one child, I kiss one child goodnight and I tuck one child into bed. I know I should feel blessed to have my one child and I do, oh I do! I love Bailey so much I never thought it was possible. But some days, some days I am so angry. So bitter. Why did this happen to me? Why oh why Lord?! I can't say I didn't deserve it because I was a wretched person. I can't say that it wasn't meant to happen, I needed it to help me turn my life around. I have been sober for 13 months now thanks to Liam.
My little sister whom I love so very much is so much like me it's scary. She reminds me a lot of me at 17 which if you knew me at all back then is not a good thing. I try to tell her, try to explain to her that she doesn't want this. She doesn't want the pain I have suffered. She doesn't want it. But until you have a had a child you cannot fathom what the loss of a child could possibly be like. I pray for her daily, please God help her find her way back. Don't let her have to go through what I have had to go through. Help her to see that Kim and Roy are no good. Just one more year, let her survive living with the devil in that house for just one more year. And baby sister, if you are reading this know that I love you with all my heart and there is nothing you can ever do or say to make me stop loving you. I wish you could call me so you could her the sounds of my sobs as I cry out, "I want my baby, I want my baby!" I wish you could see the pain on my face as the tears steadily run a hot trail down my face.
My little brother doesn't talk to me anymore. That breaks my heart because he was my best friend. I guess my disowning Kim made him dislike me. I hope that one day he can forgive me and understand why, although I miss him and love him, I cannot let her back into my life. I have to protect my son from her. I have to protect myself from her and if I could I'd protect our sister from her. And little brother if you are reading this know that I love you and nothing you say or do will ever make me stop loving you. I have missed you so bad that is hurts. I used to be able to talk to you about everything. When I was pregnant with Liam some times I felt so alone, so many people had a vested interest in my placing Liam. You would have just listened though. I really needed that then. I hope that one day soon you will reach out to me. Bailey misses you.
I laid in my bed and sobbed so hard I couldn't make a sound. I wanted my daddy so bad and I wanted my mommy so bad, not Kim obviously. At 24 years old I just wanted to lay my head down in my mommy's lap and feel her soft, small, cool hand on my brow. I wanted to climb into my daddy's lap and have him wrap me up into a bear hug like the papa bear that he is. I miss being a little girl, I miss my daddy hugging away all the hurts and his ability to make everything better by simply kissing the top of my head and saying, "It's all going to be ok." I am expected to be an adult now. I have to be a big girl and I don't want to be. But I have my own son who needs to climb up in my lap so that I can wrap him up in a big bear hug, kiss the top of his head and say, "It's all going to be ok."
School starts next week so I will probably write less. I need to get my game face on I don't have time to mope or fret. I am excited to be starting this new chapter in my life. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my sons. I love them both very, very much. I hope they always know that.
Monday, April 25, 2011
"Mrs. Hogwallop up and R-U-N-N-O-F-T. "
Well I warned you it may be a little bit before I posted again. I was right too, wasn't I?
So this past Saturday I ran/walked my first race ever. I did the Chamblee 5K. I actually completed it! I was able to finish it in 46 minutes and 52 seconds. As I started off there was a group of people walking behind me. I sped walked and jogged on and off. Then I got a stitch in my side right after the first mile, 14 minutes in. A guy came up behind me looking about 15 months pregnant (not a typo the dude had a huge gut), then he passed me. How very depressing, then an older couple came up next. Finally two women, one with a stroller came up along side me. They were the very last people. We came to an intersection where they were holding up traffic for us. A cop on a motorcycle came up beside us and said, "Come ladies let's do this!" So the three of us jogged across the intersection and once we crossed the cop sounded his siren in celebration for us. I sped up not wanting to be stuck with the mom team and the stroller. I caught up with the guy who looked very pregnant. We started to go down hill and were getting close to the finish line. I burst into tears sobbing. I thought to myself, "I cannot be last damn it!" I thought about all that I had lost and gave up this past year. All the sacrifices I made out of love for my sons, for the love of my life, for my family. This is the ONE good thing I have done for myself. I quit smoking for Liam and I quit drinking for Liam, I stayed quit for Bailey and Rodney. But this, this running, it is mine. I do this for ME. I took off down the hill and pregnant guy says to me, "Yeah I am trying to just walk it I had surgery on a hernia last year so I haven't worked out for 8 months." So I looked at him and smiled, "I just gave birth two months ago yesterday, so I am in the same boat." He looked shocked and then said, "Well good luck!" So I began power walking again. I came around the corner and saw my mom coming to meet me. She said, "Come on, let's run it out the rest of the way." So I did. I honestly didn't think I had anything left in me. I was beat but seeing that finish line I had to go for it. I ran. I full out ran. My lungs were burning, my legs were jelly but damn it I made it. That was the best feeling I have had in the longest time. It took everything in me not to burst into tears. I CANNOT wait to do it again.
That night we went bowling with my mom and her boyfriend to celebrate Rodney's 27th birthday. It was SO nice to bowl again. I actually bowled over a hundred again which I hadn't done in so long. I was so sore from running but it was nice to get out and socialize. It was good to see that I could resist the temptation to drink. Usually when we bowl or go out at all I drink Obviously when I was pregnant with Liam I couldn't do that and it was easy to say, "No." because I was looking out for Liam. Having come so far and having learned to love myself again, I can say, "No." for me now. I love myself enough to not have that drink. It felt SO good!
Sunday we all got up and went to church which was nice. My feet were killing me though because my dumb self decided to wear three inch heels after having run that race the day before. >< We spent most of the day with my soon-to-be in-laws. Rodney's mom and I have not always gotten along but I think that I have changed so much for the better that we were able to actually communicate really well. I had a GREAT time hanging out with her, she had me laughing so hard at times. She had started a roast before we got there and I made Shepherds pie per Rodney's request. Donna, Rodney's mom, had never had Shepherd's Pie but she loved it! I was so glad. She asked me how my race went and said she wanted to be at the finish line to cheer me on for the next one. That meant so much to me. Then my big brother, Rodney's little brother Eric, showed up. It was really nice to hear him bragging about me on the phone to a friend of ours. I am so proud of Eric he has taken up some sort of martial arts training. It sounds really intense and I am so proud of him for sticking with it. He is planning to race as well, hopefully Rodney will start racing with us. He will probably blow us all away when he does start considering that is what he did in High School. He still has runner's legs.
Anyhow, life is good. I love my job and my employer. She has to be the most thoughtful person I have ever worked for. She makes me feel good about myself. I find that I have started surrounding myself with happy, positive and uplifting people. Thus my life is happier, more positive and definitely uplifted! I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who are so supportive and believing of me!
So this past Saturday I ran/walked my first race ever. I did the Chamblee 5K. I actually completed it! I was able to finish it in 46 minutes and 52 seconds. As I started off there was a group of people walking behind me. I sped walked and jogged on and off. Then I got a stitch in my side right after the first mile, 14 minutes in. A guy came up behind me looking about 15 months pregnant (not a typo the dude had a huge gut), then he passed me. How very depressing, then an older couple came up next. Finally two women, one with a stroller came up along side me. They were the very last people. We came to an intersection where they were holding up traffic for us. A cop on a motorcycle came up beside us and said, "Come ladies let's do this!" So the three of us jogged across the intersection and once we crossed the cop sounded his siren in celebration for us. I sped up not wanting to be stuck with the mom team and the stroller. I caught up with the guy who looked very pregnant. We started to go down hill and were getting close to the finish line. I burst into tears sobbing. I thought to myself, "I cannot be last damn it!" I thought about all that I had lost and gave up this past year. All the sacrifices I made out of love for my sons, for the love of my life, for my family. This is the ONE good thing I have done for myself. I quit smoking for Liam and I quit drinking for Liam, I stayed quit for Bailey and Rodney. But this, this running, it is mine. I do this for ME. I took off down the hill and pregnant guy says to me, "Yeah I am trying to just walk it I had surgery on a hernia last year so I haven't worked out for 8 months." So I looked at him and smiled, "I just gave birth two months ago yesterday, so I am in the same boat." He looked shocked and then said, "Well good luck!" So I began power walking again. I came around the corner and saw my mom coming to meet me. She said, "Come on, let's run it out the rest of the way." So I did. I honestly didn't think I had anything left in me. I was beat but seeing that finish line I had to go for it. I ran. I full out ran. My lungs were burning, my legs were jelly but damn it I made it. That was the best feeling I have had in the longest time. It took everything in me not to burst into tears. I CANNOT wait to do it again.
That night we went bowling with my mom and her boyfriend to celebrate Rodney's 27th birthday. It was SO nice to bowl again. I actually bowled over a hundred again which I hadn't done in so long. I was so sore from running but it was nice to get out and socialize. It was good to see that I could resist the temptation to drink. Usually when we bowl or go out at all I drink Obviously when I was pregnant with Liam I couldn't do that and it was easy to say, "No." because I was looking out for Liam. Having come so far and having learned to love myself again, I can say, "No." for me now. I love myself enough to not have that drink. It felt SO good!
Sunday we all got up and went to church which was nice. My feet were killing me though because my dumb self decided to wear three inch heels after having run that race the day before. >< We spent most of the day with my soon-to-be in-laws. Rodney's mom and I have not always gotten along but I think that I have changed so much for the better that we were able to actually communicate really well. I had a GREAT time hanging out with her, she had me laughing so hard at times. She had started a roast before we got there and I made Shepherds pie per Rodney's request. Donna, Rodney's mom, had never had Shepherd's Pie but she loved it! I was so glad. She asked me how my race went and said she wanted to be at the finish line to cheer me on for the next one. That meant so much to me. Then my big brother, Rodney's little brother Eric, showed up. It was really nice to hear him bragging about me on the phone to a friend of ours. I am so proud of Eric he has taken up some sort of martial arts training. It sounds really intense and I am so proud of him for sticking with it. He is planning to race as well, hopefully Rodney will start racing with us. He will probably blow us all away when he does start considering that is what he did in High School. He still has runner's legs.
Anyhow, life is good. I love my job and my employer. She has to be the most thoughtful person I have ever worked for. She makes me feel good about myself. I find that I have started surrounding myself with happy, positive and uplifting people. Thus my life is happier, more positive and definitely uplifted! I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who are so supportive and believing of me!
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