To eat or not to eat?

Or should I say, what to eat and what not to eat... it is most definitely the question. Common sense dictates that sugars and carbohydrates are not so good. All the food preservatives and packaged foods are also not so good. So no on bread or yes on bread? No on dairy or yes on dairy? Yes on sugar or no on sugar? I almost feel as though I should have to school to be a nutritionist.

I looked over The Mediterranean Diet and nixed it, I just know that bread is one of my biggest downfalls as well as cheese. I also glanced over the Paleo Diet, not too bad from what I can see but I am concerned about the no dairy. Osteoarthritis is fairly common in women and being as tall as I am with all the joint problems I have now I can't really afford to jack my bones up too.

I have been trying so hard to read over Eat to Live but man is it a tough read for me. The points bounce back and forth, I sometimes feel like the guy is trying to sell me something in that round about way were he swears he isn't trying to sell me anything. I haven't actually gotten to the point where he states exactly what his theory is, just spouting the same statistics that dietitians and nutritionist the world over use. Yes, we know America is obese and it is horrible that such a rich country wants to take the short cut with magic pills instead of doing whats right. I wouldn't be reading your book if I were one of those people so just get to the point already. I don't know his outcomes sound terrific and he is backed by Dr. Oz so I'd like to find out what his plan is but just getting through the repetitive mumbo jumbo that he uses to prove he has done his research and that he is a doctor is driving me insane.

I've also looked over The Primal Diet which in a lot of ways appears to be the same as the Paleo Diet. From what I understand dairy is allowed with the Primal Diet. I haven't finished reading either so I can't say for certain. I like the idea of creating a leaner, more fuel efficient me with a diet that gives me that fuel.

I was also told about the DASH Diet, I glanced over the website and I am impressed that it was named the #1 Diet. However, the cost of the book is just too much for someone like me who is unemployed. It's very frustrating that our society actually makes it hard for people to lose weight. Healthier food option are harder to find and more expensive. The things we are taught at school about nutrition are not entirely accurate and the foods we are served certainly don't fall under health guidlines. Potatoes are not a vegetable, someone needs to let the school systems know this. ><

It's all very confusing but I won't give up. I don't want to be "that fat chick" forever. I was skinny growing up and even if this wasn't a little bit about my self image, I just want to be healthy and live here on Earth with my son for as long as I can. I want to run and play outside with my children, I want to go up a flight of stairs without being winded, I want to slide on a pair of jeans without feeling completely uncomfortable and miserable. I don't want to be the sweatpants mom anymore. I want my joints to stop hurting and complaining of all the weight they have to carry around every day. I want my headaches to go away. I want to run marathons and do 5Ks with my family. So I will continue to work out, with the Wii Plus and soon I will start doing Slim in 6 too. I will take whatever advice or help I can get.

I ain't happy but I'm feeling glad

I have been in this horrible depressed mood for months now. Poor Rodney has had to deal with some serious grouchiness, God bless him. The depression itself doesn't have to do with anything in particular. Just a nasty side affect of being Bipolar.

I did quit smoking and drinking again. It's been 17 days since I've drank and 16 since I've smoked. I am still in the shitty part where I get really nauseous and get horrible headaches. Withdrawal is never fun. It doesn't help my disposition any at all either.

I had a really good birthday thanks to some very special people. I also had quite the revelation. I finally found out what it means to have a good friend. Someone who won't talk badly about you behind your back, someone who won't judge you and honestly cares about your well being. There should be more people in the world like my dear friend, Nikki. I should have known just how good she was when Rodney said he liked her. Rodney's a good judge of character (present company excluded, love is blind, don'tcha know?) and he said, "She always says hello and goodbye to me when she comes to visit. And you are never left in tears after seeing or talking with her." Hm. How very true. I did cry the day after my birthday because my feelings were hurt. A friend or maybe more of an acquaintance of mine from grade school came to my house for my birthday party. Rodney informed me that a mutual friend of ours who was also present at the party said this individual had been trash talking me all day. I was so hurt that I had let this person in my house and around my son. I couldn't understand why they couldn't just say what they felt they needed to while there in my home. It was also especially hurtful to me that our mutual friends would have brought her to my home knowing this. I have distanced myself a great deal from people to avoid this kind of hurt. It is sad to me that when I take the chance to put myself out there that I am proved right. I suppose I will just go back to limiting my exposure to just Nikki. She is a good friend, an honest friend.

Speaking of Nikki, she loaned me her Wii Fit Plus. I have worked out three days in a row on it and I feel great. I am feeling the burn. The Wii is keeping me motivated because it is so encouraging. I really just love it so much! I am eager to see the results of my hard work in a couple of months, hopefully at my wedding! *fingers crossed*

Financially this has been a rough couple of months. Being depressed hasn't helped in the least. I get very discouraged very easily. I applied for unemployment after I was laid off but didn't qualify. I did also apply for disability for my mental health. I'm sure some people will have their opinions on this but my Bipolar is a disability that has kept me from getting jobs and has lost me quite a few. In the last 7 years I have worked 16 different jobs. I was fired, let go or just quit many of them. I am hoping that not only will this disability check help me financially but will also help me to get a job (The American's with Disabilities Act) and help me to get medical insurance so that I can get the treatment I need. If not for my own sanity and happiness than for my son's and his father's. Please keep us in your prayers.

That leads me into my next topic. I really want to get back into church. Bailey does too. This has to become a top priority for me. When I am in church I am so much happier, I am able to function better and I am much more reasonable. Pray for me that I will find the home church I am looking for and soon. I miss being in God's home with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Thanks to my daddy who got me a Kindle, I am reading and doing a lot of puzzles (I was told by a previous therapist that the puzzles will help with my memory, I have trouble sometimes). I am loving it so much and I feel so blessed to have a daddy who loves me so much despite my many faults. I have also been playing Star Wars The Old Republic thanks to Jen. This has to be one of, if not my most, favorite game ever. I love it! Thank you again Jen, you are too good to me!

I started talking to my mother again. It certainly isn't the way it used to be but it hasn't been for a very long time. It may never be that again and maybe that is something I just need to come to terms with. I am afraid she and I are a lot alike in a lot of ways but we are also very, very different. I am thankful that she has been willing to talk with me. She certainly didn't have to. I don't know where the healing process begins but right now there isn't anything she could say or do that would expedite it. My therapist asked me once, "What if you could ask her why she did it and she told you why, would you believe her?" my answer was , 'No.' So the healing begins with me. I need to learn to let go, not just with her but with everyone. I hold on to every single slight anyone has ever dealt me so when they hurt me again I am not just angry because of that one thing. I am angry at every single thing they have ever done to me. That isn't fair to anyone.

Lastly I want to apologize to my little sister. I feel like an utter failure as an example to her. I still cut myself when I am manic. How can she possible take the advice of an alcoholic who cuts herself? How can I preach to her not to burn or cut herself when, I, myself are doing it? I should have been a better big sister to her. I know she isn't perfect but I am proud of how far she has come. I know it can be hard to remember but I was exactly like her at that age, well not nearly as smart. I surely wasn't getting any A's or B's on anything. I was an angry person, a young woman trapped between adulthood and childhood. I was bitter and saddened and just wanted to be happy. I know she will overcome all of this because she is so strong. Sometimes to a fault. I love her so much and I am so thankful to have her as my sister.

We meet again..

Square one we meet again. I started back drinking and smoking which was not only a huge disappointment to everyone I know but to myself as well. I have been in a terrible funk despite having a new job and doing well at it. I started back drinking and smoking and started slacking on my classes. I fight with this depressing feeling of, "what does it matter anyway?" which logically I know isn't true but I find myself thinking it anyway. I find myself thinking things like, "you aren't worth it anyway." and I hate that, I can't figure out why I hate myself so much. I've made my fair share of mistakes but nothing so bad as to hate myself so much. I find myself in this funk making self destructive choices and I feel so badly because so many people have been so supportive of me. I can't thank Rodney enough for sticking with me and standing beside me. I had a good cry about not going to get any wine and Rodney held me and comforted me. I don't know how he stands it. I'm not that good of a person to deal with someone elses sobriety problems. I get frustrated even though I physically understand where they are coming from. It amazes me that he is so understanding when he isn't an addict. So today I didn't drink and who knows what tomorrow will bring but I can't think that far ahead with my sobriety. I just have to make it through this hour of not drinking and then try for the next one and the one after that and so on. One step at a time even if they are baby steps. I can do it. I know I can and I want to if not for me than for all the people who have stood by me and for my boys, they deserve it.

Dear Liam:

Dear Liam,

You are six months old. Wow, time went by really fast. I can't believe you have already left the country with your family on a vacation. You know, I still haven't. I actually flew for the first time last year when I was pregnant with you.

I see you are crawling and pulling up for the first time as of today. I have such mixed feelings about that. Of course beyond a doubt I am so proud of you. I am so envious of your parents for being able to share that with you. I am sad that I missed it, these little milestones of yours. I am also overjoyed that you are in such loving, capable hands who have helped you to meet these milestones at such a young age.

I cried when I saw your pictures of you on your cruise. I told you brother Bailey's dad, Rodney, "I must have did the right thing because I could never have given him that." and then I went to have a good cry. I can't figure out why all of a sudden this is becoming so much harder. Of course I don't regret my decision at all but all of a sudden I am going through stages of sadness, anger, depression and jealousy.

Some days I am so thankful for modern technology and the ability to look at pictures of you or to get updates of your progress. Then there are days where I wonder if maybe my life would be easier not seeing you. I know the later isn't true at all, my heart would shrivel up and die if I couldn't see your beautiful little face, to know you are happy and well taken care of.

I talk about my pregnancy with you to people constantly. As a mother I find myself talking with other mothers about both of my pregnancies, comparing mine to theirs and even comparing both of mine to each other. Sometimes, I just feel I have to validate your existence, that it wasn't all a dream and that I did carry and love you for nine months. Sometimes it just seems so surreal. I never thought it'd be me going through this.

Your brother really likes looking at pictures of you, he misses you too. Sometimes I feel like I'm stalking you and your parents. I don't want to "like" every picture of you on facebook for fear of scaring them off by coming on too strong. I don't want to push them away or lose you guys. I'm trying to come to terms with that feeling because of course I have never had to go through that before. Since you are no longer legally my son, it is always in the back of my mind that I could do something to lose the little bit of you that I have. I don't know how I could survive that.

I stopped pumping a while ago and I hate it. Although pumping took up a lot of my time and with me back in school it honestly just isn't realistic to think I could still do it, I miss it. There was just so much I couldn't do for you, I was able to find you loving parents and I was able to provide you food that I was able to produce from my own body.

I work in a daycare and right now we have a lot of infants in our care. It's hard not to make comparisons. It's hard not to hold them sometimes and wish it were you. I sometimes even wish I were holding you when I am home lying in my bed watching t.v. by myself. I wonder what if, what if I had parented you. What would it have been like? What would nursing you have felt like?

I hate that I denied myself the opportunity to love you, to really love you and enjoy every minute of you while I was pregnant with you. I tried to cut off my emotions for fear of being overwhelmed but now I wish I hadn't. I love you so much and I miss you. Your birthfather just had a little girl a few weeks ago. It upset me so much that this girl kept her child. I feel sorry for the little girl too. At least you will have a good life and opportunities, she won't.

Anyhow, I think that is it. I'm all mushy and sappy right now. I miss your beautiful little face, I miss feeling you kicking me, I miss your little hiccups and your temper tantrums when they wouldn't go away. I love you baby Lamb.

Love,
Birthmommy.

A new look for the new me!

Rodney recently told me his mom and his grandma commented on how different I was. In a good way. I believe he said they thought I was more sure of myself, more at home with who I am. I love it. It's so true. I used to throw myself into people faces hoping they'd believe the farce that I was ok with who I was. Maybe if I was loud enough, tough enough, brazen enough, they'd believe that I liked myself. I'm guessing people probably didn't fall for that.

Change can be hard to get started but once you get that ball rolling it's actually not that bad. Once I had made the decision to quit smoking, no seriously to quit no wishy-washy, it wasn't too bad. Besides the normal nicotine cravings which only last a few weeks, it became more of an oral fixation. Morning sickness cured me of wanting to put anything near my mouth, usually food is what I use in place of smoking. Before I knew it, months flew by and I was thinking about a million and one things, smoking the last of them. The same with drinking. Although I wasn't planning on parenting Liam and even thought of having an abortion it never crossed my mind to drink while I was pregnant.

Placing Liam was the last step in helping me to be "at home" with myself. I did a good thing. This was a new concept to me. I have been a selfish person for as long as I can remember. Even when going out of my way to help others it was for the satisfaction it gave me knowing they needed me. I wanted a baby so bad for so long. The completely selfish part of me wanted to parent Liam. To keep as mine and mine alone. I would cry sometimes at night and say to myself, well at least my sons will have to love me. But as their mother I had to love them too. My love for both Bailey and Liam made me make the right decision for us. I know it is hard for Bailey to understand he still asks about Liam, misses him, misses the idea of having a little baby brother. I don't have all the answers for him or for myself. All I can do is show him pictures of Liam with his parents, it reassures me that I made the right decision and maybe it'll help Bailey to see too.

Having become a better person by making a good decision on my own, I have fallen into a pattern of making good decisions. I have gotten and kept a wonderful job, very thankful to my VERY understanding employer. I take good care of my two boys. I am going back to school. Life is finally headed in the right direction for me. The goals I have set for myself are good, wholesome, obtainable goals. At 24 years old I have finally arrived at adulthood. Being at peace with who I am, knowing where I want to go and who I want to be. I have the most amazing family and even if my family isn't a mom and a dad, 2.5 kids, a dog and a white picket fence, it is my dream come true. Placing Liam gave me William and Julie who have helped to make me who I am today, for the better. It feels so good to know, to have some of the answers.

Although as I get older I have realized that as a child I knew very little, as a teenager I knew just about everything, as a young adult I knew it all and now I realize I know nothing at all. In the grand scheme of things I have so much more to learn and that is much more comforting to know. "Knowing it all" is a terrible burden and takes all the joy and wonder out of living. If you spend time around children a lot you come to really truly see how beautiful and wonderful the world is. A dew drop holds endless possibilities and an old shoe box is the gate-way to a whole new world.

I have changed so much and thought it was time to change my blog to include both my sons. They have equal standing in my heart and so should also on my blog! I hope you like the new look and thank you so much for your support, prayers, good vibes and all around friendship!

You can call me...

I have been thinking about titles lately. A few people have asked me if I plan to go to AA and I kind of skirt the question. I don't want to pull a Charlie Sheen and have people thinking I am crazy because I just don't like AA. No I don't have my own "program" nor do I claim to like Charlie Sheen. The reason I hate AA is for this simple reason and you will probably think it's stupid but trust me I will explain. At AA you must stand up in front of a group of people and say "Hi, my name is Heather and I am an alcoholic." Yeah, yeah the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Alcoholism is a disease, it's a little bigger than a "problem". I think it is absolute crap that I have to label myself an alcoholic in a room full of strangers. Trust me I understand the point of taking ownership, being responsible, etc. But do we make people with diseases introduce themselves by their disease. NO! In fact it is WRONG! We are taught that it is not ok to say, "That autistic boy Aaron." Why? Because autism isn't who Aaron is. No instead we say, "That boy Aaron who has autism." I have alcoholism. I have bipolar. I also don't "suffer" from these things. That's another thing I hate, "Heather suffers from alcoholism."  There are so many other titles, so many other things that I AM. So let me stand up and say, "Hi, my name is Heather and I am a mother, a birth mother, a friend, an artist, a Christian, a lover, a sister, a daughter, a companion, a dancer, a worker, a care giver, and a provider." Alcohol doesn't control me, it isn't who I am. So no I may not go to AA meeting, I may not join support groups but that is because I have my own personal support group, all of you! My friends and family! Thank to all of you for all of your support. So you can call me, Heather I am a mother, a birth mother, a friend, an artist, a Christian, a lover, a sister, a daughter, a companion, a dancer, a worker, a care giver, and a provider.

Somebodies Hero!

I have come to realize that I want to do more. I always knew I wanted to do something, something great. Leave my mark on the world kind of thing. My daddy always told me I could be anything, I wanted very badly to be a superhero or a cowgirl or even sometimes a ninja. I wanted to help people. Ok so why have I had so much trouble for years deciding what my "calling" should be? Because there are so many superhero fields in this world, policeman, fireman, doctors, nurses, teachers, etc. If I didn't have a family I would be a policeman or a fireman (woman?) but I have to come home to Bailey every night. Not to say that I think any less of policemen or firemen parents, it's just a personal choice of mine. I have a seriously strong gag reflex so doctor or nurse is totally out of it. So that leaves a teacher.

I always thought in order to be a teacher you had to be sugary sweet and bubbly. I know that doesn't make sense because I, too, had those strict, hard-ass teachers but not until I got to middle school. And even though I work with younger children mostly, because well older kids can generally look after themselves, I always knew I wanted to work with teens. So after seeing all these bubbly women who were in school to become teachers, I thought well that definitely isn't me. Don't get me wrong I can be goofy and playful but my teaching style is firm. I am definitely a no-nonsense kind of person, I expect a lot out of my pupils and in return they give me so much more because we BOTH know they can do it.

I get the greatest satisfaction working with children. I actually feel very accomplished after a day of working with them. So, I have decided I am going to go back to school to learn how to teach. I am very excited and I know that I can do a lot of good, I can be somebodies hero. But it doesn't end there. I want to do MORE! I want to be an advocate to people who need someone in their corner, to be a voice for those who cannot speak. I mean that literally. I am thinking of taking Sign Language classes to learn to work with people with hearing or speech disabilities.  But again it doesn't end there, as some of you already know I have been running/walking/jogging like crazy trying to get ready for these marathons. I want to be a marathon runner, I want to win a marathon, at least one. Lastly, I want to be an advocate for open adoption. As many of you know I have had the best experience with open adoption. Don't sit me down to ask me about open adoption because I will talk you to death. All of these goals combined, might to you, seem overly ambitious but to me they are not. I want to live a full life helping others. I want to leave this world better than I found it. I want to know that I changed one persons life for the better. So in becoming a teacher, working with the deaf or speech challenged, running marathons to raise money and awareness and being an advocate for open adoption all give me the best opportunity to do just that.

So if you want to help, if any of those things interest you, if you have any insight, advice, warnings, or otherwise please don't ever hesitate to shoot me an email, FB message me, hit me up on twitter, hell even pick up the phone and call. Even if you just need someone to talk to, someone who will shut the hell up and listen (it's hard to believe as much as I talk that I am an excellent listener but I actually am) please call me, write me, etc. If I can help you in anyway never hesitate to let me know.

Going back to school...

Going through this process of trying to get back into school got me thinking today. Well, I mean, thinking in a different direction. I do think on occasion... So yeah, can you believe that we are supposed to do all this at 17 or 18 years of age? My God, the amount of stuff you need is crazy. No wonder so many kids get sucked into making bad school choices, student loan decisions, credit cards, etc. I'm seriously pretty thankful that I got pregnant at 18 and am going back to school at 24. I would say I did it the opposite way or the wrong way but I don't think that is really true. So many woman have to make the choice, children or career. I don't think there is a wrong way to do it. Obviously you should have the financial stability but what is considered the "norm" has changed so much in child rearing. Gay parents, lesbian parents, unmarried parents, single moms, single dads, adoptive parents, birth-parents, step-parents, the list goes on.

I wouldn't have done this any other way despite the struggles. I KNOW that their is no way I could be as successful as an 18 year old going into college as I will be a 24 year old going into college. I wouldn't recommend to anyone that they should have a baby first or have a baby at 18, don't get me wrong. However, God put me on this path for a reason and I am starting to understand why. I love being a young mom and I love that my parents are young Grandparents! I think being a parent has matured me to the level I need to be at to truly appreciate this education I am about to receive. I got my GED in December of 2006 a year and two months after having Bailey. I was SO happy to be back in class and so ready to learn. That year and a half of real world had whooped my behind and handed it back to me.

I am also really happy at the thought that I will only be 36 years old when Bailey turns 18. Yep, that's right 36 baby. I will probably have at least on more child after him but my nest will more than likely be empty by the time I am 45! I love that, Rodney and I will still be in our prime, able to walk around the house naked as a Jay bird. That will also make us young Grandparents, although Bailey better be well and done with college before he ever thinks about bringing a child into this world or he will have me to contend with. Do as I say not as I do, you know how it is.

So yeah all in all I am very excited to go back to school. I am planning to go all the way and get my Ph.D. I would love to be a High School Lit teacher or a Reading Specialist. I thought about maybe teaching Art but with the way they keep cutting extracurricular funding I just don't see that being a good idea. Which is very sad, some of the best teachers I had besides my Lit teachers were my Art teachers. They had a real passion for what they were doing and who they were working with. I'm also looking forward to Bailey being able to see me work hard at school,  I hope that instills some good work ethic in him. Lord, please don't let him follow in my previous academic footsteps.

Lastly I want to thank you to every person who has supported me along the way, through thick and thin. You probably have no idea how much your words of encouragement have helped to pick me back up when I had fallen down. So thank you all so very, very much!

I am a good person.

Liam went home with his mommy on Friday. Saying goodbye to them before they left was hard but I managed to hold it together. Poor Liam was fussy which thus far was out of character for him. He has been much like Bailey was as a baby, good and quite. Only crying when needing something and even then the cry only lasted a short while. I was so impressed at how quickly he was able to calm himself down. He seems able to reassure himself very quickly. I give credit to his mom and dad who have provided him with so much support and love from the moment he entered this world. It has to help him knowing that his loving parents are right there ready to help him with whatever he may need. I have also been so impressed at how alert he has been. The amount of time he spends with his eyes open, lifting his head to look around and cooing at his mommy already is so amazing.

Saturday was hard for me, I felt like I had lost not just Liam but his mommy and daddy too. They had become such a huge part of my life. I was almost at a loss as to what to do with myself. I kept pumping so I could feel like I was doing something productive with myself. Since having my son Bailey, I have been a mother. For the most part all that I do revolves around being a mother. I work to provide for my son, I clean for him, I cook for him, even the movies I pick out are usually for him. He is getting to the age where he is not interested in hanging out with mommy. I was able to handle that during my pregnancy because I was focused on the baby. I was eating for the baby, exercising for the baby, planning for the baby, etc. Now that Liam has gone home all I really wanted was to hold Bailey. He is a sweet boy and allowed me to a few times this weekend. The poor boy is probably sick of me, being five years old he has a lot he wants to do that does not involve a weepy mother.

I put pictures of Liam and his mommy and daddy on my cell phone to look at when I am pumping or when I am missing them most. Yesterday was a lethargic day for the most part. I almost felt like I was in a fog that I couldn't shake. We went to my mom's house yesterday and on the way home Rodney looked at me and said, "I love you baby." and I burst into tears. I really couldn't tell you why. I don't feel like I am sad or depressed really until I suddenly start crying for no reason. Poor Rodney keeps asking me what is wrong and I sit there crying, shaking my head, telling him, "I don't know" or "Nothing." I think when I tell him "Nothing" it aggravates him most but I don't know how to talk to him about how I am feeling. We had a really hard time a  few years ago when I got baby fever really bad. I would cry all the time especially when we were intimate with one another. He would ask me what was wrong and so I would tell him but at the time we had agreed that having a baby wasn't a good decision because we were not financially in a good place. Unfortunately my head had not gotten through to my heart that now was not the time to want a baby. It caused a huge rift between Rodney and I.

I am afraid that will happen again because I can't explain to Rodney how I am feeling just like I couldn't then. I wish I could fast forward to the part where Rodney and I are married and trying to conceive. I know that right now even though a baby is what I want, have wanted for the past nearly three years, it is not the answer. I need to get back to work, get in shape, get a car, and get a house. The problem I think I am having is that at least with being pregnant with Liam I could count down the months until my goal was reached. How do I work with an undetermined amount of time before I can have a baby with Rodney? I don't know that it would have been any easier to place Liam had I not already been planning to get pregnant with Rodney last year. Right now it feels pretty painful because we so desperately wanted to have a baby.

I have some marathons coming up that I really need to be training for so today I will allow myself to be weepy on and off. But tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. Liam is fine, he is safe and he is happy. I am a good birthmother. Bailey is fine, he too is safe and is happy. I am a good mother. Rodney is fine, he is safe and he is happy. I am a good wife-to-be. I pray daily and ask forgiveness, I am a good daughter. I, too, am safe and I am happy, I am very proud of myself, I am a good person.