I ain't happy but I'm feeling glad

I have been in this horrible depressed mood for months now. Poor Rodney has had to deal with some serious grouchiness, God bless him. The depression itself doesn't have to do with anything in particular. Just a nasty side affect of being Bipolar.

I did quit smoking and drinking again. It's been 17 days since I've drank and 16 since I've smoked. I am still in the shitty part where I get really nauseous and get horrible headaches. Withdrawal is never fun. It doesn't help my disposition any at all either.

I had a really good birthday thanks to some very special people. I also had quite the revelation. I finally found out what it means to have a good friend. Someone who won't talk badly about you behind your back, someone who won't judge you and honestly cares about your well being. There should be more people in the world like my dear friend, Nikki. I should have known just how good she was when Rodney said he liked her. Rodney's a good judge of character (present company excluded, love is blind, don'tcha know?) and he said, "She always says hello and goodbye to me when she comes to visit. And you are never left in tears after seeing or talking with her." Hm. How very true. I did cry the day after my birthday because my feelings were hurt. A friend or maybe more of an acquaintance of mine from grade school came to my house for my birthday party. Rodney informed me that a mutual friend of ours who was also present at the party said this individual had been trash talking me all day. I was so hurt that I had let this person in my house and around my son. I couldn't understand why they couldn't just say what they felt they needed to while there in my home. It was also especially hurtful to me that our mutual friends would have brought her to my home knowing this. I have distanced myself a great deal from people to avoid this kind of hurt. It is sad to me that when I take the chance to put myself out there that I am proved right. I suppose I will just go back to limiting my exposure to just Nikki. She is a good friend, an honest friend.

Speaking of Nikki, she loaned me her Wii Fit Plus. I have worked out three days in a row on it and I feel great. I am feeling the burn. The Wii is keeping me motivated because it is so encouraging. I really just love it so much! I am eager to see the results of my hard work in a couple of months, hopefully at my wedding! *fingers crossed*

Financially this has been a rough couple of months. Being depressed hasn't helped in the least. I get very discouraged very easily. I applied for unemployment after I was laid off but didn't qualify. I did also apply for disability for my mental health. I'm sure some people will have their opinions on this but my Bipolar is a disability that has kept me from getting jobs and has lost me quite a few. In the last 7 years I have worked 16 different jobs. I was fired, let go or just quit many of them. I am hoping that not only will this disability check help me financially but will also help me to get a job (The American's with Disabilities Act) and help me to get medical insurance so that I can get the treatment I need. If not for my own sanity and happiness than for my son's and his father's. Please keep us in your prayers.

That leads me into my next topic. I really want to get back into church. Bailey does too. This has to become a top priority for me. When I am in church I am so much happier, I am able to function better and I am much more reasonable. Pray for me that I will find the home church I am looking for and soon. I miss being in God's home with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Thanks to my daddy who got me a Kindle, I am reading and doing a lot of puzzles (I was told by a previous therapist that the puzzles will help with my memory, I have trouble sometimes). I am loving it so much and I feel so blessed to have a daddy who loves me so much despite my many faults. I have also been playing Star Wars The Old Republic thanks to Jen. This has to be one of, if not my most, favorite game ever. I love it! Thank you again Jen, you are too good to me!

I started talking to my mother again. It certainly isn't the way it used to be but it hasn't been for a very long time. It may never be that again and maybe that is something I just need to come to terms with. I am afraid she and I are a lot alike in a lot of ways but we are also very, very different. I am thankful that she has been willing to talk with me. She certainly didn't have to. I don't know where the healing process begins but right now there isn't anything she could say or do that would expedite it. My therapist asked me once, "What if you could ask her why she did it and she told you why, would you believe her?" my answer was , 'No.' So the healing begins with me. I need to learn to let go, not just with her but with everyone. I hold on to every single slight anyone has ever dealt me so when they hurt me again I am not just angry because of that one thing. I am angry at every single thing they have ever done to me. That isn't fair to anyone.

Lastly I want to apologize to my little sister. I feel like an utter failure as an example to her. I still cut myself when I am manic. How can she possible take the advice of an alcoholic who cuts herself? How can I preach to her not to burn or cut herself when, I, myself are doing it? I should have been a better big sister to her. I know she isn't perfect but I am proud of how far she has come. I know it can be hard to remember but I was exactly like her at that age, well not nearly as smart. I surely wasn't getting any A's or B's on anything. I was an angry person, a young woman trapped between adulthood and childhood. I was bitter and saddened and just wanted to be happy. I know she will overcome all of this because she is so strong. Sometimes to a fault. I love her so much and I am so thankful to have her as my sister.

Happy seven months, Liam!

No, I am not pregnant again. I know, thank God, right? In all seriousness, it has been seven months now since I was pregnant. The most amazing little baby boy is seven months old today. He is perfect in every way. Of course I am biased but it doesn't make it any less true.

I hear he is pulling up and even crawling. I actually saw this awesome video his parents posted of him crawling over to a chair and pulling up. He is just so amazing I can't even express it fully. I am so proud of his parents, they too are amazing. They recently shared a video of Liam eating some yummy food, like real honest to God beets! It was so cool to see his expression and how intently he ate the food.

I showed Bailey a picture of his brother and told him he was seven months old. He asked me when Liam would be one year so I told him. He said, "Wow, he is growing up to be a big boy so fast like me." That is so true, I blinked and now Liam is seven months and Bailey will soon be six years. Before I know it, Liam will be the one turning six. I know his parents are enjoying every single minute with him. It warms my heart to see the whole family, extended family as well, just so happy. I feel blessed to have even been a part of that process.

Happy seven months Liam, I am so proud of you and I love you very much!

Sunny side up!

I feel like since having been drug back into the drama with certain people recently I have felt depressed, all my posts and blogs reflect my frustration and anger. I walked away for those people and that situation so I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore. I am now walking away again and for good this time. In my world they don't exist.

So on a more positive note, my life is great. I am getting married to the man of my dreams next June. This man who has supported me and loved me, been honest and truthful with me from the day I met him seven years ago. It is so exciting to know this is going to happen for real. I cannot wait to Mrs. Carlock. I look forward to my daddy walking me down the aisle and giving me away.

School is going great, I am doing well in all my classes. One of my teachers actually split up a group that I was in because we answered our worksheet correctly and the fastest. She asked me and one other girl in our group to go help two other groups. It made me feel so good to be singled out in a good way. I love working hard on my papers and having them come back with a score of nine out of ten. I feel accomplished and I can't wait to get my first certificate this December. It is one step on the road of getting my doctorate. My only regret is I wish my Grandmother could see me now, she would be even more proud of who I am today. I know she is watching me from heaven though and helping to gently guide me in the right direction. I love you Grandmother and I miss you!

Although lately I have been feeling a little blue about missing Liam, I am also very happy. It makes me so happy to see his parents beaming with pride and joy in their pictures. I love reading them bragging on his accomplishments and his milestones. I love the three of them so much and although I do miss him I am so glad I gained the three of them in my life. I hope I can get a chance to visit with them soon.

My beautiful baby boy who is not a baby anymore read to me for the first time last week. He sat down with a level two book and read it to me with minimal assistance from me. I am so proud of him and it was the sweetest thing in the world to hear him reading aloud. He is doing so well in school, his teachers are constantly praising him. He is so smart and sweet and outgoing and athletic. God truly blessed me when he gave me Bailey. That boy makes my life worth living.

My amazing little sister is a photographer! I am so proud of her work, she is so very talented not just with her photography but in many aspects of her life. I miss her a lot though. I know we fought a lot but sisters who live together usually do. She is one of the best people to talk to though. I could cry on her shoulder and vent to her during my pregnancy with Liam and she was a great listener and very supportive of me. I miss being able to confide in her face to face. One day soon though that will be possible again and I cannot wait! I really hope she will be able to come to my wedding.

My soon to be mother-in-law said to me yesterday, "You have matured a lot. It's very obvious how much you have grown and are still growing. I am very proud of you." I nearly cried. It means so much to me that people can see the change in me. Certain people still bring out the old me but the people who have been supportive and loving and caring see the changes in me. Being sober for fourteen months has made me realize that I can do anything. Placing Liam in a loving home made me realize that I am a good person. Going back to school has made me realize that I really am smart. Working in my career field has proven to me that I am very good at what I do. They don't call me "The Baby Whisperer" for nothing.

Their are a lot of changes going on in my life and although some are stressful, mostly finances, things are on the up swing. I hope that the people who I have to leave will be understanding because I honestly do love them. Right now I have to provide for my family and so sacrifices must be made. I will keep moving ahead and keep my head up. Thank you all for being understanding and allowing me to vent my anger and frustrations to you. But from now on it's back to the positive and uplifting because only a few can make me that angry and those people are no longer allowed back in my life. I surround myself with good people only.

Dear Liam:

Dear Liam,

You are six months old. Wow, time went by really fast. I can't believe you have already left the country with your family on a vacation. You know, I still haven't. I actually flew for the first time last year when I was pregnant with you.

I see you are crawling and pulling up for the first time as of today. I have such mixed feelings about that. Of course beyond a doubt I am so proud of you. I am so envious of your parents for being able to share that with you. I am sad that I missed it, these little milestones of yours. I am also overjoyed that you are in such loving, capable hands who have helped you to meet these milestones at such a young age.

I cried when I saw your pictures of you on your cruise. I told you brother Bailey's dad, Rodney, "I must have did the right thing because I could never have given him that." and then I went to have a good cry. I can't figure out why all of a sudden this is becoming so much harder. Of course I don't regret my decision at all but all of a sudden I am going through stages of sadness, anger, depression and jealousy.

Some days I am so thankful for modern technology and the ability to look at pictures of you or to get updates of your progress. Then there are days where I wonder if maybe my life would be easier not seeing you. I know the later isn't true at all, my heart would shrivel up and die if I couldn't see your beautiful little face, to know you are happy and well taken care of.

I talk about my pregnancy with you to people constantly. As a mother I find myself talking with other mothers about both of my pregnancies, comparing mine to theirs and even comparing both of mine to each other. Sometimes, I just feel I have to validate your existence, that it wasn't all a dream and that I did carry and love you for nine months. Sometimes it just seems so surreal. I never thought it'd be me going through this.

Your brother really likes looking at pictures of you, he misses you too. Sometimes I feel like I'm stalking you and your parents. I don't want to "like" every picture of you on facebook for fear of scaring them off by coming on too strong. I don't want to push them away or lose you guys. I'm trying to come to terms with that feeling because of course I have never had to go through that before. Since you are no longer legally my son, it is always in the back of my mind that I could do something to lose the little bit of you that I have. I don't know how I could survive that.

I stopped pumping a while ago and I hate it. Although pumping took up a lot of my time and with me back in school it honestly just isn't realistic to think I could still do it, I miss it. There was just so much I couldn't do for you, I was able to find you loving parents and I was able to provide you food that I was able to produce from my own body.

I work in a daycare and right now we have a lot of infants in our care. It's hard not to make comparisons. It's hard not to hold them sometimes and wish it were you. I sometimes even wish I were holding you when I am home lying in my bed watching t.v. by myself. I wonder what if, what if I had parented you. What would it have been like? What would nursing you have felt like?

I hate that I denied myself the opportunity to love you, to really love you and enjoy every minute of you while I was pregnant with you. I tried to cut off my emotions for fear of being overwhelmed but now I wish I hadn't. I love you so much and I miss you. Your birthfather just had a little girl a few weeks ago. It upset me so much that this girl kept her child. I feel sorry for the little girl too. At least you will have a good life and opportunities, she won't.

Anyhow, I think that is it. I'm all mushy and sappy right now. I miss your beautiful little face, I miss feeling you kicking me, I miss your little hiccups and your temper tantrums when they wouldn't go away. I love you baby Lamb.

Love,
Birthmommy.

A new look for the new me!

Rodney recently told me his mom and his grandma commented on how different I was. In a good way. I believe he said they thought I was more sure of myself, more at home with who I am. I love it. It's so true. I used to throw myself into people faces hoping they'd believe the farce that I was ok with who I was. Maybe if I was loud enough, tough enough, brazen enough, they'd believe that I liked myself. I'm guessing people probably didn't fall for that.

Change can be hard to get started but once you get that ball rolling it's actually not that bad. Once I had made the decision to quit smoking, no seriously to quit no wishy-washy, it wasn't too bad. Besides the normal nicotine cravings which only last a few weeks, it became more of an oral fixation. Morning sickness cured me of wanting to put anything near my mouth, usually food is what I use in place of smoking. Before I knew it, months flew by and I was thinking about a million and one things, smoking the last of them. The same with drinking. Although I wasn't planning on parenting Liam and even thought of having an abortion it never crossed my mind to drink while I was pregnant.

Placing Liam was the last step in helping me to be "at home" with myself. I did a good thing. This was a new concept to me. I have been a selfish person for as long as I can remember. Even when going out of my way to help others it was for the satisfaction it gave me knowing they needed me. I wanted a baby so bad for so long. The completely selfish part of me wanted to parent Liam. To keep as mine and mine alone. I would cry sometimes at night and say to myself, well at least my sons will have to love me. But as their mother I had to love them too. My love for both Bailey and Liam made me make the right decision for us. I know it is hard for Bailey to understand he still asks about Liam, misses him, misses the idea of having a little baby brother. I don't have all the answers for him or for myself. All I can do is show him pictures of Liam with his parents, it reassures me that I made the right decision and maybe it'll help Bailey to see too.

Having become a better person by making a good decision on my own, I have fallen into a pattern of making good decisions. I have gotten and kept a wonderful job, very thankful to my VERY understanding employer. I take good care of my two boys. I am going back to school. Life is finally headed in the right direction for me. The goals I have set for myself are good, wholesome, obtainable goals. At 24 years old I have finally arrived at adulthood. Being at peace with who I am, knowing where I want to go and who I want to be. I have the most amazing family and even if my family isn't a mom and a dad, 2.5 kids, a dog and a white picket fence, it is my dream come true. Placing Liam gave me William and Julie who have helped to make me who I am today, for the better. It feels so good to know, to have some of the answers.

Although as I get older I have realized that as a child I knew very little, as a teenager I knew just about everything, as a young adult I knew it all and now I realize I know nothing at all. In the grand scheme of things I have so much more to learn and that is much more comforting to know. "Knowing it all" is a terrible burden and takes all the joy and wonder out of living. If you spend time around children a lot you come to really truly see how beautiful and wonderful the world is. A dew drop holds endless possibilities and an old shoe box is the gate-way to a whole new world.

I have changed so much and thought it was time to change my blog to include both my sons. They have equal standing in my heart and so should also on my blog! I hope you like the new look and thank you so much for your support, prayers, good vibes and all around friendship!

You can call me...

I have been thinking about titles lately. A few people have asked me if I plan to go to AA and I kind of skirt the question. I don't want to pull a Charlie Sheen and have people thinking I am crazy because I just don't like AA. No I don't have my own "program" nor do I claim to like Charlie Sheen. The reason I hate AA is for this simple reason and you will probably think it's stupid but trust me I will explain. At AA you must stand up in front of a group of people and say "Hi, my name is Heather and I am an alcoholic." Yeah, yeah the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Alcoholism is a disease, it's a little bigger than a "problem". I think it is absolute crap that I have to label myself an alcoholic in a room full of strangers. Trust me I understand the point of taking ownership, being responsible, etc. But do we make people with diseases introduce themselves by their disease. NO! In fact it is WRONG! We are taught that it is not ok to say, "That autistic boy Aaron." Why? Because autism isn't who Aaron is. No instead we say, "That boy Aaron who has autism." I have alcoholism. I have bipolar. I also don't "suffer" from these things. That's another thing I hate, "Heather suffers from alcoholism."  There are so many other titles, so many other things that I AM. So let me stand up and say, "Hi, my name is Heather and I am a mother, a birth mother, a friend, an artist, a Christian, a lover, a sister, a daughter, a companion, a dancer, a worker, a care giver, and a provider." Alcohol doesn't control me, it isn't who I am. So no I may not go to AA meeting, I may not join support groups but that is because I have my own personal support group, all of you! My friends and family! Thank to all of you for all of your support. So you can call me, Heather I am a mother, a birth mother, a friend, an artist, a Christian, a lover, a sister, a daughter, a companion, a dancer, a worker, a care giver, and a provider.

Going back to school...

Going through this process of trying to get back into school got me thinking today. Well, I mean, thinking in a different direction. I do think on occasion... So yeah, can you believe that we are supposed to do all this at 17 or 18 years of age? My God, the amount of stuff you need is crazy. No wonder so many kids get sucked into making bad school choices, student loan decisions, credit cards, etc. I'm seriously pretty thankful that I got pregnant at 18 and am going back to school at 24. I would say I did it the opposite way or the wrong way but I don't think that is really true. So many woman have to make the choice, children or career. I don't think there is a wrong way to do it. Obviously you should have the financial stability but what is considered the "norm" has changed so much in child rearing. Gay parents, lesbian parents, unmarried parents, single moms, single dads, adoptive parents, birth-parents, step-parents, the list goes on.

I wouldn't have done this any other way despite the struggles. I KNOW that their is no way I could be as successful as an 18 year old going into college as I will be a 24 year old going into college. I wouldn't recommend to anyone that they should have a baby first or have a baby at 18, don't get me wrong. However, God put me on this path for a reason and I am starting to understand why. I love being a young mom and I love that my parents are young Grandparents! I think being a parent has matured me to the level I need to be at to truly appreciate this education I am about to receive. I got my GED in December of 2006 a year and two months after having Bailey. I was SO happy to be back in class and so ready to learn. That year and a half of real world had whooped my behind and handed it back to me.

I am also really happy at the thought that I will only be 36 years old when Bailey turns 18. Yep, that's right 36 baby. I will probably have at least on more child after him but my nest will more than likely be empty by the time I am 45! I love that, Rodney and I will still be in our prime, able to walk around the house naked as a Jay bird. That will also make us young Grandparents, although Bailey better be well and done with college before he ever thinks about bringing a child into this world or he will have me to contend with. Do as I say not as I do, you know how it is.

So yeah all in all I am very excited to go back to school. I am planning to go all the way and get my Ph.D. I would love to be a High School Lit teacher or a Reading Specialist. I thought about maybe teaching Art but with the way they keep cutting extracurricular funding I just don't see that being a good idea. Which is very sad, some of the best teachers I had besides my Lit teachers were my Art teachers. They had a real passion for what they were doing and who they were working with. I'm also looking forward to Bailey being able to see me work hard at school,  I hope that instills some good work ethic in him. Lord, please don't let him follow in my previous academic footsteps.

Lastly I want to thank you to every person who has supported me along the way, through thick and thin. You probably have no idea how much your words of encouragement have helped to pick me back up when I had fallen down. So thank you all so very, very much!