Happy seven months, Liam!

No, I am not pregnant again. I know, thank God, right? In all seriousness, it has been seven months now since I was pregnant. The most amazing little baby boy is seven months old today. He is perfect in every way. Of course I am biased but it doesn't make it any less true.

I hear he is pulling up and even crawling. I actually saw this awesome video his parents posted of him crawling over to a chair and pulling up. He is just so amazing I can't even express it fully. I am so proud of his parents, they too are amazing. They recently shared a video of Liam eating some yummy food, like real honest to God beets! It was so cool to see his expression and how intently he ate the food.

I showed Bailey a picture of his brother and told him he was seven months old. He asked me when Liam would be one year so I told him. He said, "Wow, he is growing up to be a big boy so fast like me." That is so true, I blinked and now Liam is seven months and Bailey will soon be six years. Before I know it, Liam will be the one turning six. I know his parents are enjoying every single minute with him. It warms my heart to see the whole family, extended family as well, just so happy. I feel blessed to have even been a part of that process.

Happy seven months Liam, I am so proud of you and I love you very much!

Dear Liam:

Dear Liam,

You are six months old. Wow, time went by really fast. I can't believe you have already left the country with your family on a vacation. You know, I still haven't. I actually flew for the first time last year when I was pregnant with you.

I see you are crawling and pulling up for the first time as of today. I have such mixed feelings about that. Of course beyond a doubt I am so proud of you. I am so envious of your parents for being able to share that with you. I am sad that I missed it, these little milestones of yours. I am also overjoyed that you are in such loving, capable hands who have helped you to meet these milestones at such a young age.

I cried when I saw your pictures of you on your cruise. I told you brother Bailey's dad, Rodney, "I must have did the right thing because I could never have given him that." and then I went to have a good cry. I can't figure out why all of a sudden this is becoming so much harder. Of course I don't regret my decision at all but all of a sudden I am going through stages of sadness, anger, depression and jealousy.

Some days I am so thankful for modern technology and the ability to look at pictures of you or to get updates of your progress. Then there are days where I wonder if maybe my life would be easier not seeing you. I know the later isn't true at all, my heart would shrivel up and die if I couldn't see your beautiful little face, to know you are happy and well taken care of.

I talk about my pregnancy with you to people constantly. As a mother I find myself talking with other mothers about both of my pregnancies, comparing mine to theirs and even comparing both of mine to each other. Sometimes, I just feel I have to validate your existence, that it wasn't all a dream and that I did carry and love you for nine months. Sometimes it just seems so surreal. I never thought it'd be me going through this.

Your brother really likes looking at pictures of you, he misses you too. Sometimes I feel like I'm stalking you and your parents. I don't want to "like" every picture of you on facebook for fear of scaring them off by coming on too strong. I don't want to push them away or lose you guys. I'm trying to come to terms with that feeling because of course I have never had to go through that before. Since you are no longer legally my son, it is always in the back of my mind that I could do something to lose the little bit of you that I have. I don't know how I could survive that.

I stopped pumping a while ago and I hate it. Although pumping took up a lot of my time and with me back in school it honestly just isn't realistic to think I could still do it, I miss it. There was just so much I couldn't do for you, I was able to find you loving parents and I was able to provide you food that I was able to produce from my own body.

I work in a daycare and right now we have a lot of infants in our care. It's hard not to make comparisons. It's hard not to hold them sometimes and wish it were you. I sometimes even wish I were holding you when I am home lying in my bed watching t.v. by myself. I wonder what if, what if I had parented you. What would it have been like? What would nursing you have felt like?

I hate that I denied myself the opportunity to love you, to really love you and enjoy every minute of you while I was pregnant with you. I tried to cut off my emotions for fear of being overwhelmed but now I wish I hadn't. I love you so much and I miss you. Your birthfather just had a little girl a few weeks ago. It upset me so much that this girl kept her child. I feel sorry for the little girl too. At least you will have a good life and opportunities, she won't.

Anyhow, I think that is it. I'm all mushy and sappy right now. I miss your beautiful little face, I miss feeling you kicking me, I miss your little hiccups and your temper tantrums when they wouldn't go away. I love you baby Lamb.

Love,
Birthmommy.

Yeah about that...

Yesterday, was just a terrible no good very bad day. It started off with Rodney and I having a fight that caused me to ball my eyes out at work. That left me with a massive headache that worked it's way from the base of my neck to behind my eyes. I spent a good deal of time in my bosses garage trying to "talk things over" with Rodney. He called me back later to apologize to me but I was simply exhausted from the worrying, the arguing and the crying. We talked a little more about it but to be honest I just wasn't up for discussing it any more.

We got home, I made Mexican pizzas for dinner and helped Bailey with his homework. I spent some time with Rodney, yes in that way. Since that was what our big fight was all about. I figured after that we'd snuggle or watch a movie. Nope and honestly I needed to do my homework anyway.

Rodney played WoW and I ended up at my computer. I saw that Liam's dad had posted a picture of a slice of cake with 0.5 written on it and Happy Half Birthday written as the caption. Oh my God, how had I forgotten? I couldn't believe that it was his half birthday and I had forgotten. I started crying. Why is six months so much harder than six weeks? Was it just an emotional day for me? Rodney asked me if I was ok and I said, "I'm just sad. I guess I shouldn't be, I never could have given Liam a cruise to Italy." I looked around at our little apartment with it's furniture that is very mismatched. "Yeah, I couldn't have given him very much so it worked out for the best. He is loved and his is happy and he is already experiencing the world." Rodney tried to lighten the mood by saying, "I'm trying to figure out how I can get adopted I want to take a vacation please." I just wasn't in the mood. I went to bed listening to classical music.

We have a new little boy who just started yesterday. He reminds me a lot of Bailey as a baby. He has the somewhat curly, soft, black hair. He is just so fat like Bailey was with that caramel colored skin. I hold him to my face and he smells just like Bailey did as a baby. There is nothing more intoxicating than the smell of a baby. He smiles at me so hard his eyes disappear. I honestly want to just hold his little fat self all day long. I try not to though because it gets me to thinking of how much I want another baby, a baby of my own to have and to hold.

School is going well although I am still getting the hang of it. It's hard for me to "take notes" because I never really learned how to. I am teaching myself shorthand. I am also teaching myself APA format which is what all my papers have to be written in. Reading my COMP book has to be just about as boring as reading The Great Expectations, which I never finished because I, who love books, hated that boring ass book. I find myself rereading the same thing over and over. So today I started writing the definitions, that seems to help. My ECCE classes are much more interesting.

I'm still dealing with all my health aliments. I really have to find the time to go file for medicaid/disability medicaid. I work during the hours they are open though so that probably won't happen any time soon. It really sucks that my health has to take a back seat for now but hopefully once I finish school and become a teacher I will be able to afford health care for my family. Bailey is on medicaid but Rodney and I are up a creek without a paddle.

I think that is about as much complaining as I can do right now. In all honesty I am blessed to be back in school, to have Rodney and Bailey and all my friends and family. The other things will eventually fall into place, I just have to work hard and be patient.

I'm just saying...

A lot has been weighing on my mind recently. A very dear friend of mine is placing her baby for adoption with some family of hers. I have good feelings about open adoption but if I could I would spare every woman from the pain of placing a child. Certainly there are a lot of positives to placing. My son is happy and healthy with good people for parents. He will have better opportunities that his birth father and myself could not have provided him. I was able to get a job, go back to school and fix my relationship with Bailey and his father.

 I have never miscarried a child but I cannot begin to imagine nor do I want to compare what I went through to that. However, the loss and grief I felt was comparable to losing a loved one to death. Maybe more. I lost my Grandmother last year to ALS (Lou Gerhigs Disease) and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Placing Liam was by far worse. I have really good days when I look at pictures of him and it makes me smile from ear to ear and then other days when I have a phantom "kick" that makes me burst into tears.

My dear friend said to me, 'I don't know how you did it.' I didn't know what to say. I cut myself off emotionally from my child, I denied myself access to him at the hospital, I refused to see him without his parents present. Oh certainly I would day dream ridiculous things that would some how "allow" me to keep my son, even going so far as to imagining his birth father being locked up for the next 20 years. I always knew none of them were feasible. They were simply a coping mechanism.

I know now that had I parented Liam, Rodney and I wouldn't have survived as a couple. And although it was never a matter of Liam vs. Rodney, I wondered for a while if we could have done it. But there are some days when I am simply paralyzed with grief over Liam and Rodney can't always handle it. It hurts him and it hurts me. He envisioned us as a family, Bailey, Heather and Rodney. When Bailey and I did a photo shoot with Liam and his parents at the IAC (Independent Adoption Center) annual picnic in Atlanta, I told Rodney we would be taking pictures. When he saw me previewing them he got upset, he said, "I didn't know they were going to be family pictures." I understand why he is upset and I allow him that. I can only hope that he can understand that is no possible way that I can ever not love my children.

I was planning on taking a trip up to see Liam but with our current financial situation and the tension between Rodney and I over Liam, I think it may be best to wait. Although, I so desperately want to hold that little boy in my arms and kiss his little face. I sometimes find myself envious of people with babies, the way the hold them or if the breastfeed them. I didn't breastfeed Bailey and although I did pump for Liam a big part of me wants to know the feeling of holding my child so close to my chest and feeding them from my body. I want to build that bond with my baby. Just writing this now has my throat burning and my eyes full of tears.

As a teen I didn't want to be a mother and even though I love Bailey very much it took me a long time to realize that I was a mother and that I came second to him. Now, I am so proud to be a mother, to be a birth mother. All I want in this world is to be a mother, to be a good mother. I want to hold my children and kiss away their pains. Oh how I miss my son. I miss him when I wake in the morning and when I put Bailey to bed at night. My body has carried to beautiful healthy children to term. I struggled through two labors with my boys face down. Yet, each night I bathe one child, I dress one child, I kiss one child goodnight and I tuck one child into bed. I know I should feel blessed to have my one child and I do, oh I do! I love Bailey so much I never thought it was possible. But some days, some days I am so angry. So bitter. Why did this happen to me? Why oh why Lord?! I can't say I didn't deserve it because I was a wretched person. I can't say that it wasn't meant to happen, I needed it to help me turn my life around. I have been sober for 13 months now thanks to Liam.

My little sister whom I love so very much is so much like me it's scary. She reminds me a lot of me at 17 which if you knew me at all back then is not a good thing. I try to tell her, try to explain to her that she doesn't want this. She doesn't want the pain I have suffered. She doesn't want it. But until you have a had a child you cannot fathom what the loss of a child could possibly be like. I pray for her daily, please God help her find her way back. Don't let her have to go through what I have had to go through. Help her to see that Kim and Roy are no good. Just one more year, let her survive living with the devil in that house for just one more year. And baby sister, if you are reading this know that I love you with all my heart and there is nothing you can ever do or say to make me stop loving you. I wish you could call me so you could her the sounds of my sobs as I cry out, "I want my baby, I want my baby!" I wish you could see the pain on my face as the tears steadily run a hot trail down my face.

My little brother doesn't talk to me anymore. That breaks my heart because he was my best friend. I guess my disowning Kim made him dislike me. I hope that one day he can forgive me and understand why, although I miss him and love him, I cannot let her back into my life. I have to protect my son from her. I have to protect myself from her and if I could I'd protect our sister from her. And little brother if you are reading this know that I love you and nothing you say or do will ever make me stop loving you. I have missed you so bad that is hurts. I used to be able to talk to you about everything. When I was pregnant with Liam some times I felt so alone, so many people had a vested interest in my placing Liam. You would have just listened though. I really needed that then. I hope that one day soon you will reach out to me. Bailey misses you.

I laid in my bed and sobbed so hard I couldn't make a sound. I wanted my daddy so bad and I wanted my mommy so bad, not Kim obviously. At 24 years old I just wanted to lay my head down in my mommy's lap and feel her soft, small, cool hand on my brow. I wanted to climb into my daddy's lap and have him wrap me up into a bear hug like the papa bear that he is. I miss being a little girl, I miss my daddy hugging away all the hurts and his ability to make everything better by simply kissing the top of my head and saying, "It's all going to be ok." I am expected to be an adult now. I have to be a big girl and I don't want to be. But I have my own son who needs to climb up in my lap so that I can wrap him up in a big bear hug, kiss the top of his head and say, "It's all going to be ok."

School starts next week so I will probably write less. I need to get my game face on I don't have time to mope or fret. I am excited to be starting this new chapter in my life. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my sons. I love them both very, very much. I hope they always know that.

"O-o-oh child things are gonna get easier."

Dearest Liam,

As the months seem to whiz by at the speed of light things have gotten easier. I don't constantly feel as if a weight is laying on my chest. It is easier to breathe. However with this new found "freedom" comes guilt. How can I be so ok with this? How can it not hurt as much as it used to when I think of you? Why is my missing you not as painful? I certainly wish I had the answer.

You are growing so fast and are such a handsome boy.Sometimes while I am at work with my daycare kids I wonder, is Liam doing this yet? I wonder if he has started this yet? I bet Liam would really like that too. Sometimes it seems strange to talk about my boys. I can relate to people with children up to the age of five as far as Bailey goes. However when I talk about you I can only relate my pregnancy and your birth. Not that those things weren't equally as beautiful because they unequivocally are. The pain and the heartache and yes even the labor were so worth it.

I know that one day I will have at least one more child and I do worry how I will explain to you why I parented Bailey and that child but wasn't able to parent you. So many racial, social and economical faux pas. I worry that you will not truly know or believe just how much I love you. Adults, especially parents, understand the sacrifice I made and that I did so out of love but I worry. I worry that you will think I took the easy way out, I worry that you will think I was able to place you because I love you less. Oh, of course here come the water works. Whenever I try to convey my love to you my dearest boy I begin to cry. To think it could ever be possible for you to not know my love hurts me. More for selfish reasons I suppose because you are so loved by your parents and their family.

Your brother misses you and asks for you. When I was pregnant with you he begged me endlessly to parent you. I know he can't fully comprehend why things have happened the way they happened but I do know he loves you so very, very much. He talk about his brother Liam all the time. He loves looking at pictures of you. I cried looking at his artwork from school because he drew me pregnant in so many pictures and inside the picture of my belly he drew a little baby you.

So each day passes with it's trials and tribulations and it does get easier. But know this, no matter how much "easier" it gets deciding to place you was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And no matter what happens I will always love you and am so very proud to be your birthmother.

Love Always and Forever,
Birthmommy Heather

I miss you.

We have a little boy in our daycare who is small for his age. Not underfed or unhealthy, just a petite boy. He allows us to snuggle him for long periods of time. Today he was a little restless when I tried to snuggle him and I almost wanted to cry. He has fair hair and fair skin, in that way he reminds me of Liam. He is tiny like Liam was the last time I saw him. I snuggle with this boy and it helps me to reconcile the loss of my ability to snuggle Liam. I imagine myself holding him, what it would have been like to parent him. What would my reactions have been to his milestones.

I didn't placed Liam because I doubted my ability to raise him. I placed him to protect him from what I perceived to be a bad situation with his birth father. The thought of being forced to send my child into a trailer shared by his grandparents, being surrounded by cigarette smoke day and night. It killed me. I wouldn't trust Liam's birth-father with my pet rock much less a child. Sometimes I find myself very angry with Liam's birth-father because I feel like he put my through this. Some days I feel like I did lose a child. It makes me happy to see him to healthy and happy with his parents. But some days I just miss my son.

I want to hold him and kiss him. But even that can be awkward. He bonded with his parents really well, which is absolutely fantastic. But I just feel weird when I hold him, like I don't have it in me to comfort him. Like I am holding him wrong or I am too tense. It's so strange because I have the capacity to hold the children we care for at the daycare and too soothe them with no problems. How can it be that I am so lost with the child I brought in to this world. What if I am always this awkward around him? Will he notice? Will he think I don't love him? I think it is partly due to the fact that he so much resembles his birth-father to me. It's painful some times to see that innocent face and still see Geoffrey in it.

I am getting my IUD tomorrow and although I know I can have it removed it seems so final. It's almost like proof positive that I won't be having a baby of my own any time soon. I think that is why I have been having nightmares the past few nights. Part of me is scared to do this. I am afraid it means we will keep putting off having another baby until it's too late. Or what if something goes wrong with the IUD and I become sterile? I would be devastated. I cannot imagine not being able to have another child. I know how selfish that sounds. I have had two beautiful, healthy children, who could ask for more? Me. Ever since I had Bailey I knew I wanted more children. My oldest son will be six in October. I never planned for there to be such a gap between my kids. How much longer will I have to wait? Who knows I will just keep praying about it. Until then I will just keep snuggling on the babies at work. They love me and I love them. :)

6 weeks

Ok so Friday was 6 weeks, 6 weeks since I had given birth to Liam. I kept expecting a melt down or something to happen because 6 weeks is a big milestone. I remember taking Bailey to his 6 week check-up it was a big deal and all. I had no terrible feelings, I didn't get sad or angry. It was just a normal day.

I went to my postpartum check-up. The nurse who took all my vitals and my urine sample begin asking me questions; when did I deliver, who delivered the baby, what was his name, how much did he weigh, how much does he weigh now. I gave her all the info and then with the last question I said, "I believe his mom said he weighed 9 lbs at his  month check up." She says, "His mom?" "Yes, I place him for adoption." I say. "Oh, are you doing ok?" "Yeah, no, really I'm fine" I answer. I feel like I have to reassure people that I'm not going to burst into tears it's almost like I have to be defensive in my affirmation that I am indeed doing just fine. She goes on to ask if I am taking vitamins and I tell her, "Yes, I'm still taking prenatals because I am pumping and donating to the baby." The baby? Why'd I say that? I wanted to say "to my son" but I thought she'd be confused, how do I refer to him to people? Hm.

The check up went fine, I am anemic again but that happens fairly often to me, as much spinach and collard greens as I eat it's hard to believe I could ever have a low iron count but I do. My thyroid glands are swollen, again as well. I had blood work drawn for that as well as for the normal tests they run on your blood when going to these visits. Apparently everything is "back in the right place" as my midwife put it. I am just waiting for the all clear on getting an IUD and am so ready to do that. I had a depo shot at the hospital after having Liam but the IUD is long term and just may get rid of my lovely monthly visitor.

As I was leaving I went by the check out desk and handed them my paper work. The lady says to me, "Where's the baby?" and so I told her, "I placed him for adoption." "OH MY GAWD! I am SOOOOO sorry!" she wails. Once again I felt myself reassuring a stranger that it was perfectly ok, no need to say sorry, no really I am fine, it's ok. She says "sorry" a couple of more times before I leave. By this point I am ready to strangle her. Why do I have to make you feel better for saying something stupid. Just let it go, it really didn't hurt my feelings. I hate that people tell me they are "sorry". Sorry for what? It's like the way you tell someone you are sorry for their loss when a family member dies. My son didn't die, I placed him in a loving home. I didn't lose anything, I gained two more family members. Please don't tell me you are sorry.

It's like people have this preconceived notion of how adoption goes and how you should react. I have to say I am one of those people but I am really trying to get better at it. After speaking with a fellow Atlanta birthmother or First Mother as she prefers to be called, I realized that I was doing that too. She parented her son for a while before placing him and I made some reference along the lines of "it must have been hard". >< Such a stupid thing to say, why didn't I ASK her how she felt about it. If I had I would have learned that she was actually really happy that she had been able to parent him for as long as she did. She is such a beautiful person and I truly admire her for her courage and her honesty. I do need to learn that adoption much like anything to do with parenting is not a "one size fits all" deal. What may work for one may not work for another and vice versa. My preconceived notions are not only offensive but ignorant.

That's about it for now, I am going back to work tomorrow. Going back full-time which means less time to update until I get the swing of things. I have to learn how to juggle being a mom, working full time, my goals for running and continuing to pump. I do all of this gladly but it may mean that until I do get into the swing of it again you will hear from me less. I will try to keep everyone updated as much as possible though. ;)

Some days are just harder than others.

Some days I really just hate having bipolar disorder. I went into the kitchen to heat up some tomato soup and to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich. I put the sandwich in the skillet butter side down. I then went to my computer to look up the balance on my card. When I went back into the kitchen I had burnt one whole side of the sandwich so I flipped and thought, "Screw it I'll just eat one side burnt." Well then I tried to flip it to check how cooked it was and it was stuck to the pan despite the butter. I lost it, I had a very serious bipolar moment when I wanted to pull my hair out and scream and kick and cry all at the same time. It's not fair. I had to just toss out everything and eat the soup by itself. It shouldn't be this hard to do normal things. I hate that there are days where one thing happens and it throws everything off. A grilled cheese sandwich shouldn't be able to throw of my entire day but now it has. Now I am in that zone, everything is irritating me, my hair is in a pony tail and I can feel it swishing against my neck which is upsetting me, my skin feels itching and I just feel out of sorts. The day started of so well and now I just want to lay in bed with book, I don't want anyone to talk to me in person or to touch me, especially don't touch me. Poor Rodney never knows what to do when I am like this because you are supposed to hold someone when they feel bad but the last thing I want is for anyone to touch me, my skin is crawling as it is. I can be a big girl and hide it and push through it, I have plenty of times at work and no one has known the difference except that maybe I am a little off. But since that just lengthens how long I feel like this and since I am at home, I am just going to let it do it's thing. I just wish that I wasn't like this. I can't tell you how many times I have start a load of laundry and then they get moldy because I forget about it. I have to hold myself to a strict schedule. This is why I work so well with children, things are repetitive enough in a broad since without becoming mundane. No medicine I have ever taken has helped with this feeling either, they usually just make it worse. ><

Do not ask why, instead ask why not?

I feel like I need to write about pumping, not how I pump, how often I pump or why pumping is good for me and for Liam. Instead about WHY I pump and again this isn't about why it is good for me and for Liam.

In 2005 the world according to Heather stopped revolving around Heather and began revolving around Bailey. My entire existence became about Bailey. I know those of you who aren't parents hate hearing this and you may disagree but I promise you something chemically happens inside of you and you cannot know what it is like until you are a parent. Not meaning you have to give birth to a child because then no dad on earth would know it but to have a child completely dependent upon you for everything it needs and to have your entire life revolve around them. Before I gave birth to Bailey I had never loved someone outside of my immediate family the way that I loved Rodney. I was totally dependent on him, not just financially but emotionally. He was the Yin to my Yang. I am not saying that he isn't still so today but once I had Bailey I knew that my love for Bailey surpassed anything else I had every experienced. Just the thought of him being hurt in anyway would literally hurt me, my throat would close up and my chest would ache. I just knew that I was in love in a way that only being a parent can bring about.

I was surprised to find when I got pregnant with Liam how much I despised him at first. I was so angry that I was pregnant, it was ruining everything. I hated that I was constantly throwing up. I was full of contempt for this baby and even contemplated having an abortion. My love for him did not happen over night, I tried to squash it, I tried to hide, I tried to ignore it. It wasn't until I began looking at potential adoptive parents that I realized how far gone I already was. I balled my eyes out and my heart ached, my lungs burned, my throat closed up. I was certain it was the hormones of being pregnant. I even reassured Rodney that it was just hormones, no biggie. I lied to myself and Rodney. I am one of those mothers who is fiercely protective of her kids. My love for Liam is equal to the love I have for Bailey. I never thought that would be possible because of my love for Rodney. I was certain that because I loved Rodney and hated Liam's birth father that Bailey would have the upper hand. That is not so. Never ask me to choose between my boys because I'd rather take my own life. There is nothing in this world I would not do for either of them.

I feel like people skirt around my pumping for Liam and/or the entire adoption process. It's like they are trying to pretend things are back to normal. Well I have a new normal now. My normal may not be the same as your normal and it certainly wasn't the normal that I had planned for but I wouldn't trade my new normal for anything in the world. I wouldn't go back and not get pregnant with Liam. I am so glad that I had him, I am so glad I was able to spend 10 months getting to know him and love him. I have built a maternal bond with him. So why do I pump? Because I am his birth mother. My love for him didn't stop when he went with is mommy and daddy, no it grew. It grew as he grew, it grew with my love for his mommy and daddy. I provide for him in a way that a mother should because it brings me peace, it allows me to provide something to him because there is so much I could not provide him. It makes placing him in a loving home easier for me because I know I am doing my part. That I didn't just pass the buck and walk away. I am able to DO something for my son and that means I am a good birth mother. So don't ask why as a birth mother I donate to Liam ask why not? I love him just as I love Bailey and just as I will love all the children I ever bring into this world. I enjoy looking at his pictures, they do not make me sad. They make me thankful, they make me feel better having proof that he is safe, that he is loved and that I did right by him.

So do not be afraid to ask. Do not be afraid to wonder, to discuss, to mention him to me. Do not be afraid to mention babies, pregnant women, etc. I am so thankful for Liam and nothing you say or ask or do is going to change that, ever. Knowledge is power so again, do not be afraid to ask for I will answer.

And the wheel, she keeps on a turning.

So I haven't updated in a while. Although, I think about things I would like to write through out the week, it just seems they don't get written.

I just finished pumping and was pretty upset at myself because I only pumped a half an ounce total. I have never pumped so little. I know why I only pumped that half an ounce. I let my weekends throw my pumping schedule all off. I allow social obligations to screw with my schedule. Not to say that I shouldn't have a social life but that I need to be more firm in my decision to pump every two hours for fifteen minutes. Pumping is very important to me and I feel like I have been allowing myself to push back the times that I pump so as not to inconvenience anyone else. Unfortunately I am just going to have to stand firm in my decision and the people that I hang out with will either understand or they won't.

I feel like I have been pretty irritable on and off this last week. I think the headaches that I have been having on and off daily for the past two weeks has something to do with it. Little things are bothering me and I don't want them to. It reminds me of when I drank and smoked. I want to remain calm. I think maybe I just need to get out of the house and hang out with someone besides just Bailey and Rodney. Not that I don't love them dearly but I need some me time. Even when I am in the house all day long I am focused on making sure the house is clean for them, cleaning up after them, preparing meals for them and doing their laundry. So by the time that they get home I have already given all my energy to them and they still want more because they don't realize how much I have already given. In a way I am looking forward to going back to work just so that I can get away from having to do all that all day long. I will be able to share the work load with Rodney.

Baby Lamb turned a month old on last Friday, my how time flies! I was able to view some updated photos of him that his mommy posted on Picasa. They were absolutely beautiful. His hair is turning more and more strawberry blond every time I see a new picture. I think it is so awesome because it looks so much like his mommy's hair! He still has those big bright blue eyes that I find so fascinating. Bailey's have always been that beautiful chocolate brown. His mommy told me he had a check up on his one month birthday and he weighed  9lbs 5oz. I like to think my donating the breast milk has helped with that, so I like to think anyway. :)

Money is tight as always and I just keep praying for a miracle. It feels like we are starting over from scratch which is disappointing. I won't begin to tell you our financial troubles, just suffice it to say they suck. Thank God, Bailey isn't old enough to realize how broke we really are. After speaking with my employer today about the possibility of me going back to school though I am feeling a bit more optimistic. She informed me that Chattahoochee Tech's courses are cheap enough to be covered by the Pell Grant and Hope Grant which I qualify for. I think I might have to just go back sooner and make it happen. I can't be on my way to 25 and still be living like this.

My walking daily has been thrown for a loop because the ghetto people who live in my neighborhood have taken the little magnet that you have to have to use the treadmill. Not having the right shoes for walking or running outside I have started walking inside to one of my tapes. It's not really the same though. I am thinking of just taking one of my refrigerator magnets down to the gym and seeing if that works. My not running might have something to do with my grouchiness too.

I think that is about it, other than those minor things we are doing well. Life goes on, the wheel keeps on turning and I keep handing these problems of mine to God who in turn sorts them out for me.

I woke up with a very surreal feeling this morning. I kind of feel like that is how I am describing most of my feelings lately, surreal. The past three nights I have had some weird adoption dreams. The first night I dreamed that I was having a baby and placing it for adoption but this was after I had already had Liam and he had been placed with his parents. In the dream I had already had the baby and there were two women there with kids around them. They were potential adopting mothers. One lady already had my baby in a baby carrier and was acting as though the baby was already hers. The other lady looked upset about this. I was distraught but couldn't seem to say anything. My biological mother was there suddenly and I kept saying, "This isn't how it was with Liam, I don't understand!" It was very disturbing. I don't really remember the second dream except that I woke with the same kind of feelings. Last night I dreamed Rodney and I were at my old high school, Chamblee, at a football game. We were way above the players though, it was like they were in a pit. I ran into my friend, Shelby, who was holding a brand new baby, except that I knew it was my baby. She kept walking away from me though and I kept following her trying to understand why she had my baby. Again very disturbing.

Yesterday Liam's mommy sent me some pictures of us and Liam, wow, I looked terrible in those. Liam looked angry but his mom looked so peaceful and happy. I keep trying to imagine how she feels about Liam, about me, about being a new mom, etc. To really feel it myself, imagining trying to get pregnant for so long with no success, going through the process of being eligible to adopt, speaking with birth mother, finally matching, finally signing all the paper work and being able to take her baby boy home. I can only begin to imagine how all of that must feel. It helps me to deal with my own feelings. She also sent me the video of Liam's birth. Again, it was so surreal. I wasn't sure how I would feel about watching it. It was a bit emotional hearing myself make those almost animal like moans. It was amazing to hear and watch it from a different perspective though. I don't remember hearing half of what was actually said on the video. It was amazingly quick too, I remember it being pretty fast during the process. So much quicker than Bailey was. I felt kind of needy yesterday and really just wanted Rodney to come home. His family came into town yesterday though so he and Bailey stayed late at work to see them. I was angry with Rodney still when he came home. I am learning to let the little things go though. I can't afford to spend time being angry over the little things.

Today is so yucky and rainy but I am determined to exercise. I have been eating more than I probably should so I cut back today. Calorie counting and exercising to get ready to run. It will be nice to run again, I haven't really ran since I played Volleyball back in high school. I used to love to run the feel of the wind in my hair, the burning in my legs and lungs as I pushed myself further. I am looking forward to becoming an athlete again. I would like to set an example of healthy living for Bailey. Not that he is anywhere near fat but he is an indoor, video game geek. It is past time that he got his behind outdoors, at his age I was always playing outside. So hopefully I can get myself a bike and Bailey and I can go bike some of the local trails together, who knows we may even get Rodney to go to. :D

I am a good person.

Liam went home with his mommy on Friday. Saying goodbye to them before they left was hard but I managed to hold it together. Poor Liam was fussy which thus far was out of character for him. He has been much like Bailey was as a baby, good and quite. Only crying when needing something and even then the cry only lasted a short while. I was so impressed at how quickly he was able to calm himself down. He seems able to reassure himself very quickly. I give credit to his mom and dad who have provided him with so much support and love from the moment he entered this world. It has to help him knowing that his loving parents are right there ready to help him with whatever he may need. I have also been so impressed at how alert he has been. The amount of time he spends with his eyes open, lifting his head to look around and cooing at his mommy already is so amazing.

Saturday was hard for me, I felt like I had lost not just Liam but his mommy and daddy too. They had become such a huge part of my life. I was almost at a loss as to what to do with myself. I kept pumping so I could feel like I was doing something productive with myself. Since having my son Bailey, I have been a mother. For the most part all that I do revolves around being a mother. I work to provide for my son, I clean for him, I cook for him, even the movies I pick out are usually for him. He is getting to the age where he is not interested in hanging out with mommy. I was able to handle that during my pregnancy because I was focused on the baby. I was eating for the baby, exercising for the baby, planning for the baby, etc. Now that Liam has gone home all I really wanted was to hold Bailey. He is a sweet boy and allowed me to a few times this weekend. The poor boy is probably sick of me, being five years old he has a lot he wants to do that does not involve a weepy mother.

I put pictures of Liam and his mommy and daddy on my cell phone to look at when I am pumping or when I am missing them most. Yesterday was a lethargic day for the most part. I almost felt like I was in a fog that I couldn't shake. We went to my mom's house yesterday and on the way home Rodney looked at me and said, "I love you baby." and I burst into tears. I really couldn't tell you why. I don't feel like I am sad or depressed really until I suddenly start crying for no reason. Poor Rodney keeps asking me what is wrong and I sit there crying, shaking my head, telling him, "I don't know" or "Nothing." I think when I tell him "Nothing" it aggravates him most but I don't know how to talk to him about how I am feeling. We had a really hard time a  few years ago when I got baby fever really bad. I would cry all the time especially when we were intimate with one another. He would ask me what was wrong and so I would tell him but at the time we had agreed that having a baby wasn't a good decision because we were not financially in a good place. Unfortunately my head had not gotten through to my heart that now was not the time to want a baby. It caused a huge rift between Rodney and I.

I am afraid that will happen again because I can't explain to Rodney how I am feeling just like I couldn't then. I wish I could fast forward to the part where Rodney and I are married and trying to conceive. I know that right now even though a baby is what I want, have wanted for the past nearly three years, it is not the answer. I need to get back to work, get in shape, get a car, and get a house. The problem I think I am having is that at least with being pregnant with Liam I could count down the months until my goal was reached. How do I work with an undetermined amount of time before I can have a baby with Rodney? I don't know that it would have been any easier to place Liam had I not already been planning to get pregnant with Rodney last year. Right now it feels pretty painful because we so desperately wanted to have a baby.

I have some marathons coming up that I really need to be training for so today I will allow myself to be weepy on and off. But tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. Liam is fine, he is safe and he is happy. I am a good birthmother. Bailey is fine, he too is safe and is happy. I am a good mother. Rodney is fine, he is safe and he is happy. I am a good wife-to-be. I pray daily and ask forgiveness, I am a good daughter. I, too, am safe and I am happy, I am very proud of myself, I am a good person.

"...So you will excuse me, if I do not say good bye..."

I will start this entry with a quote from Babylon 5 that seems appropriate:

"When I was first assigned to Babylon 5, I had to learn to speak several languages: Drazi, Brakiri, Centauri, and of course English - the human language of commerce. Some words have always come easier to me, than others. One of the most difficult words for me was good bye. There is no corresponding word for good bye in Minbari. All our partings contain, within them, the possibility of meeting again in other places, in other times, in other lives. So you will excuse me, if I do not say good bye. Our souls are a part of this place, our hopes, the foundation of our future. And we will pass this way again." 
- Delenn: "Objects at Rest"

So, I am a little sad that Liam and his parents are having to return home. Of course I am also so excited for them. I can only imagine how ready they are to get back home with their brand new baby boy! Liam's daddy had to leave today so we all met up for lunch yesterday. He came up to my apartment afterwards to grab the milk I had pumped for Liam. It was so weird saying goodbye, Liam's parents have been such an huge part of my life for the past two months. It is like I cannot remember what my life was like before they were apart of it. Liam's daddy said it wasn't goodbye but a see you later. He also told me thank you before he left and I said no problem. I felt like a big dummy because what I had really wanted to say was no thank you! So I did in a message on facebook. He replied with a lovely message back but this part in particular really impacted me:


"I am so proud and honored to be Liam's daddy - to be the daddy for this beautiful boy you've made. I love him so much - I loved him the second he was born and I will spend the rest of my life being the best father I can possibly be for him. I will do everything I can to make sure he has the best life possible and that he is surrounded by love and that he grows up to be the man you want him to be and he will always know you and how amazing your are. You have given *us* the best gift ever."


 Being a daddy's girl daddies are important to me. Not to play down how important mommies are but I think we forget how important a good male role model is. I honestly couldn't imagine a better one for Liam. His daddy is a good man and those are hard to find nowadays. His mommy and daddy have a good relationship, the way that the mesh is truly inspirational. It is very obvious that they are soul-mates. I will miss all three of them when they return home but know we will be in touch. Again I am so excited that they are going to be able to take their precious baby boy home soon. 


On a related note Bailey and I had a conversation about family today. When Rodney and I discussed my placing my baby up for adoption I think we were both under the impression that I wouldn't have any contact with the baby. That I'd know who his parents were and they would know how to contact me but that would be it. I never really thought about talking to Bailey about his half-brother. Since meeting Liam's parents things have changed. I explained to Bailey that Liam was my second baby. Liam is his half-brother even though he has a different mommy and daddy. It will be a while yet until he fully understands but I want to make sure I show him pictures of Liam and say, "Look at your brother Liam, he is getting so big!" Bailey calls him Baby "Lamb". I wrote out William for him and then took away the Wil part to show him that the baby's name is Liam but it still comes out Lamb. I think that is a good nic-name though. Bailey says it fits because he is a baby and a lamb is a baby sheep. As Bailey reminded me we are the sheep and our Lord is the shepherd, so he can go on calling him baby Lamb all he likes as far as I am concerned. 


So things are going well. Emotionally I have probably never been better. Although sometimes I am sad because I miss Liam or because I realize he and his parents are going home, I am ok with that. It is a new experience for me because I used to drown my sadness in alcohol. For the first time in a long time I am facing my feelings, thinking them through, allowing them to happen to me and then they pass. The sadness is so much less than when I used to get drunk because eventually you sober up and the sadness comes on stronger and becomes depression. So you drink again only more and it becomes a vicious cycle. During the day I talk to Rodney via Gchat and I will tell him I am sad or I am happy or I am anxious. It is good to have a man in my life who can handle all that emotional baggage. I really am blessed and I thank God every day for blessing me over and over again.

So although I am sad to see Liam and his parents go, that too shall pass. I will see them again sooner than I know. Time flies when you have children, I should know, it seems like only yesterday that Bailey was that age. Now I have a five year old running around measuring everything in our house with a tape measure. I love you baby Lamb and I love you baby Lamb's mommy and daddy. I will see you guys soon!

And a second son was born....

Most of you already know how Liam was conceived, for those of you who don't know I will give you the shortest version possible. I don't want to focus too much on the negative because Liam was a blessing not a curse. I am bipolar and began a new anti-psychotic medication in February of last year. In combination with the alcohol it led to me make some very bad decisions. I moved out of my home with my fiance and our son and into my biological mother's house with her husband and my little sister. One of those bad decisions was my going to a party. I don't really remember much of that night. I do remember taking myself to the hospital that morning and getting myself tested. One month later I found out I was pregnant. The night before I found out I had a glass of wine, it immediately came back up which was unusual for me because I have always been a big drinker and can usually keep down copious amounts of alcohol. My period was only maybe a day or two late but I just had that feeling that something was wrong. I drove myself over to The Pregnancy Resource Center in Douglasville early in the morning knowing that the best time to take a pregnancy test is in the morning. I drove all the way over there because I knew that they would give me a test for free and because I knew they had resources about abortion and adoption.

After my test came back positive all I wanted to do was go home, I wanted to curl up in my bed and go back to sleep. However I was badgered into staying, to being prayed over and to watch a video showing an abortion. Needless to say it left a bad taste in my mouth. I am a pretty religious person but I am also a very open minded person. I am pro-choice. I called the birth father on my finally being able to leave, I told him we were not keeping the baby. Then I called my biological mother who apparently was busy so I ended up talking to her husband. He told me not to worry and that everything would be ok. I believed him. When I got back home my biological mother Kim and her husband Roy and even my little sister Katherine all sat around me looking at me like I was something to be pitied. No one reached out to hold me though. I sat on my couch holding my knees bawling my eyes out. Kim suggested I talk to my mom (my dad's second wife, they have been divorced for some years now but I still consider her my mom) about maybe adopting because of the problems she has had with conceiving. It was a terrific suggestion, I will give Kim the credit there.

My mom and I discussed it being a possibility. I quit drinking immediately and quit smoking that same week. I began trying to work things out with my ex-fiance and the father of my first born, Rodney. One day while visiting with Rodney and my son I get a text message from Kim's phone although the message is from my little sister Katherine. It told me that they had come to a unanimous decision and that I was not to come back there. They had kicked me out. I was three months pregnant with no car, no job and no real place to go, so they threw me out. Rodney wasn't sure if he was ready for me to come back yet, we had a lot to deal with but he allowed me to stay with him until I could find some place else to go. We went and picked up my belongings minus my furniture which Kim and Roy took as payment for a loan they had paid off for me. I lived with Rodney for close to a month and then moved to upstate New York with a good friend of mine. It was very hard for me being so far away from my son and his father. In the past five year I had never been away from them for so long and by such a distance. After about a month Rodney asked me to come back home.

We weren't to be "together" officially but we could start working on repairing our family. Rodney and I have come a long way since then. Our communication with one another has vastly improved. My mom and I came to an agreement that the baby would be better off being adopted by a different couple. She and I are just fine, no hard feeling either way. She has been nothing but supportive of me in every way possible. I was disappointed that the baby would have to go to a different family and it was hard to look at potential families on the internet.

I had looked at Liam's parents page on the internet and it had stuck out to me but it wasn't until my counselor from the adoption agency sent me a hard copy of their pamphlet that it really hit me. I had already sent out an email to two other families. One had already been matched with a birth mother, the other never answered me once I sent them an email explaining the bipolar and the alcoholism to them. That was a bit of a blow but I figured that if I was up front about those things then I would be able to weed out the ones who weren't interested in someone like me. Although it was daunting I sent Liam's parents an email to which they responded beautifully so I took another leap of faith and put out my whole story in another email to which they responded with acceptance. A few short days later after many emails being sent back and forth we three spoke on the phone for four amazing hours of laughter. I felt as though I had known them both my entire life, they completely put me at ease. I emailed my counselor the next day telling her I would like to "match" a sort of commitment (nothing written in blood or anything) that birth parents and adopting parents make to one another. Apparently they were thinking along the same lines and here we were being matched. They scheduled a visit for the following weekend, which for me could not get here fast enough.

We continued to write each other daily, set up a match meeting with our new Atlanta counselor, and even set up a 3D ultrasound appointment! I think I was more giddy than nervous to meet either of them when they came to pick me up that Saturday morning. We had our ultrasound appointment early that day so we all drove over to that side of town, had a lovely breakfast before meeting my mom at the ultrasound appointment. It was SO amazing to see baby Liam. Considering how far along I was at this point (36 weeks!) it was amazing they were able to see that he was a boy and we were all able to see his face (when he wasn't covering it with his hands) because he was face up. Remember that for later in the story because for those of you who don't know a baby should be face down and head down at this point in the pregnancy. We had an awesome lunch at the Cheesecake Factory before heading over to our match meeting. The meeting was supposed to help open communication between us and talk about a birth plan and what we expected out of the adoption. Since we three had already opened communication, were equally open with what we expected from the adoption and our birth plan, it was a very funny meeting. We already knew what the plan was it was almost like we were just filling in our counselor as to what our game plan was.

At 38 weeks I went to the hospital with contractions, painful and close together. Of course once I got there they slowed and became irregular. I was dilated at 3 cm. At my prenatal check-up the following week I was dilated 3 cm and effaced 50 % so my OB stripped my membranes. HOLY COW PAINFUL! This started my bloody show, um yuck! That weekend Liam's parents came back down considering his due date was that following Tuesday and we just knew he'd be early because Bailey was early and this was my second baby. We were wrong. We ate a Scalini's (http://www.scalinis.com/Bambino.htm) known for their Eggplant Parmesan that puts pregnant woman into labor. No such luck. We also went to Trader Joe's where I had a conversation with Liam's mommy about my wondering what it felt like when your water broke since mine didn't with Bailey. Remember this too because it too comes up here in just a few lines. We had a fabulous dinner at The Cracker Barrel, one of my favorite places to eat. I walked, I ate, I almost decided to start doing jumping jacks to get this baby out of there.

So after my mom suggested that I post a status update on facebook asking when people thought the baby would come, how much would he weigh, how long would he be, etc, I did just that. People guessed I replyed and then I got tired. So I laid down with a good book and coughed. When I coughed I felt myself get wet. I was pretty certain I had just peed on myself. Not uncommon for pregnant women, especially after having already had children before. So I carefully waddled my embarrassed self into the bathroom and changed my underwear while trying to make sure I had gotten all the pee out. However I seemed to have a slow leak because once I had walked back out of the bedroom and sat down at my computer again, I was beginning to soak through again. I began to research online about what it felt like to leak, what would it look like, what could it smell like, what should I do? I coughed again and the dam broke. The water came and it came and it came, so I called my OB's office they told me to go to the hospital. I called Liam's dad and said, I think my water just broke. I waddled around my house trying to gather last minute things while the water ran down my legs pooling in my flip flops. Uh yeah, yuck! I calmly explained to Bailey that I was going to the hospital to have the baby and I would see him in a couple of days. He asked me if he could have something to eat when I got back. I explained to him that he would starve to death waiting for me to get back so I would get it for him now.

Shortly Liam's parents arrived. I set a towel on their car seat so as not to leak all over their car. We all chatted calmly as we headed to the hospital. I think Liam's daddy was a little nervous as he missed the entrance to the hospital and a few other side entrances, so once we circled the hospital and got back around to the front entrance we parked by the door and went in. We got sent up to triage where Liam's mommy stayed with me. They sent his daddy back downstairs which was a little upsetting. They did get us moved to our birthing room pretty quickly though and he was able to join us there. My favorite line from that night came from my midwife who said, Well your water has broke so we are committed to having this baby. Liam's mommy and I agreed that we had been pretty committed to having him before the water broke but we weren't about to argue with her.

My mom arrived shortly after we got into our birthing room. It was slow going though so we all settled in and got comfy. I was asked it I'd like some pitocin to help speed up the process and I said sure, why not. Little did I know the pain that came along with that. I wanted to not have to have an epidural but knew that if the pain became too bad that I would take it. Once they doubled up the pitocin I knew I wanted that damn epidural. I had never felt pain like that before. Even with Bailey. They had been giving me some pain medications in my IV that was knocking the edge off but not enough. Once they gave me that epidural I could have died and gone to heaven. In fact apparently I passed out and had a good long nap. I don't remember drifting off, in fact I don't remember much after the epidural. Also the epidural was much more uncomfortable this time around as opposed to with Bailey. I never felt the epidural with Bailey.

Anyhow, when I came to it was because I was having the urge to push. I was laying on my side I opened my eyes to see my mom asleep in a chair and Liam's parents curled up in exhaustion on the floor. I felt so guilty for having just gotten all that sleep in a nice bed with blankets while everyone else was piled uncomfortably all over the room. Apparently my contractions where coming close enough together and were strong enough and I supposed I must have finally dilated all the way because we got the show on the road. They kept having me change positions because the baby didn't like it when I pushed. I guess he must have gotten over it. Lying on my back with my legs being held up I pushed. I knew what to do this time, I could feel the midwife's fingers pulling down and with each contractions I would push at least three times. Now remember up there in this story when I said he was face up in the ultrasound. Also remember when I said that Bailey was face up and they had to cut me and use a vacuum. Well Liam was face up too but I was more determined, much more patient and much stronger this time around.

Liam made his way into this world at 3:45 a.m. They set him on my stomach rubbed at him and then rushed him over to the little baby table. All this was very much like when I had Bailey. Until they pulled out the bag stuck a tube down his throat and began breathing for him. From the bed I could see his pale little chest rise and fall with each squeeze of the bag. He was so deathly pale. Was Bailey that pale? Was Liam supposed to be that pale because he was white? I had no idea. I saw Liam's mommy squeeze in and grab his little hand. They asked me if I wanted to hold him so I did and someone snapped a picture, the nurse said, Ok just one more picture, so someone else snapped a picture. They stuck him in a little plastic rectangle. He was rushed out of the room to be taken to the NICUand his parents left with him, his daddy throwing a look over his shoulders as though he didn't want to just leave me like that. I understood though and was so thankful someone could go with him. All I was told was that he was shocked. His system had been shocked so he hadn't been breathing on his own. I was told later that he was breathing on his own was doing just fine.

My mom stayed with me until I was moved into my room for the night. Would you believe after all that she went to work after going home for a quick shower? Yep, that's my mom! Liam's parents came down that day and updated me on how Liam was doing. They had that new parent, haven't slept in days look to them. They went back to their hotel to freshen up while the NICU was closed to visitors. I signed some paper work, watched t.v., ate delicious food and napped all that day. Rodney came by for a visit and promised to be back tomorrow to pick me up. My mom called and offered to come stay the night with me but I told her I would just be sleeping so she should just get some rest and come visit me the next day. My daddy sent me beautiful text messages telling me how proud he was of me. I got gorgeous roses from Liam's mommy's family with a beautiful card thanking me for my gift of Liam to them.

I was able to finally leave Saturday and went to lunch at Cici's pizza with Rodney, my mom and Bailey. I rested that whole day for the most part although I did do a little laundry and the dishes. The next day I went back to the hospital to sign the adoption papers and to sign a form allowing Liam to have a circumcision. I was asked by the case worker there if I'd like to see Liam by myself after his circumcision. I thought about it and felt like that would have been dishonest and it just felt wrong. I told her that I'd prefer to see him with his parents instead. I am very glad I made that decision. Liam was not mine to hold by myself in some room, he had two parents and you just don't hold someone's baby in secret like that. It was nice to hold him and look at him, to watch his mom and dad hold him and look at him. It was so natural for them both and I knew I had made the right choice.

The hardest part was looking at Liam's face and seeing his birth father. Liam shares a lot of his birth father's facial features. Although they look much better on Liam. Then I remembered that Bailey looked just like his own dad when he was born but as he got older he began to favor me more. That may or may not happen to Liam, either way he is beautiful. It was also surprising to see that Liam looked a lot like his mom, their hair color is almost identical.

I signed the adoption papers with no problem. I felt good signing them. I felt good leaving the hospital that day. I feel good today. There are times when I miss Liam so much but then I go and look at the pictures of his mommy or his daddy holding him and I feel so much better. The love they have for him radiates off their faces. He is so happy being snuggled close by his mommy and his daddy. He is such a happy, healthy baby.

 I know I did right by him and for that I am so proud. I love my boys, both of them. I never thought I'd say that. I refused to call Liam, my baby I always referred to him as "the" baby to distance myself from him. I thought that would make the break easier. Little did I know that he was my baby in my heart already and that I wouldn't have to "break" from him. I can love him and him not live with me. And he can love me while having a different mom and dad. Placing Liam for adoption (note I say placing not giving up, because I haven't given anything up) was both the hardest and easiest thing I have ever done. I love him today just as I loved him yesterday just as I will love him tomorrow and all the tomorrow's to come. He is my second son and no matter how many children I have after him he will always be my second and he will always be in my heart.

Love, Your Birthmommy

Dearest Liam,

In the past nine or so months I have anguished over what to say to you. What should I write? How much to tell you? There is no manual on how to raise children and thus no manual on how to allow someone else to raise your children. I thought of telling you how you were conceived, how I came to the decision to place you for adoption, how to tell you all my complicated feelings. Today I realized that all I need to say is that I love you. Since this is an open adoption you already know who I am, where I came from and why I found you the two best parents any child could ever hope for. My feelings aren't complicated at all when I strip away all the thoughts of what I should be feeling. I suppose I expected to be sad or have feelings of loss. However, when I see you snuggled up in your mommy or daddy's arms I can't help but feeling elated. I miss you so very much and I probably will never stop missing you but knowing you are safe and happy makes that all better. In other words son, I don't ever want you to doubt that I love you and always will. You are so blessed to have a mommy and daddy who love you as much as they do. There is nothing they nor I would ever not do for you, nothing we wouldn't sacrifice willingly. I will always be here for you. But all that can be summed up into this:

Dear Liam,

I love you!

Love,

Your Birthmommy