Do not ask why, instead ask why not?

I feel like I need to write about pumping, not how I pump, how often I pump or why pumping is good for me and for Liam. Instead about WHY I pump and again this isn't about why it is good for me and for Liam.

In 2005 the world according to Heather stopped revolving around Heather and began revolving around Bailey. My entire existence became about Bailey. I know those of you who aren't parents hate hearing this and you may disagree but I promise you something chemically happens inside of you and you cannot know what it is like until you are a parent. Not meaning you have to give birth to a child because then no dad on earth would know it but to have a child completely dependent upon you for everything it needs and to have your entire life revolve around them. Before I gave birth to Bailey I had never loved someone outside of my immediate family the way that I loved Rodney. I was totally dependent on him, not just financially but emotionally. He was the Yin to my Yang. I am not saying that he isn't still so today but once I had Bailey I knew that my love for Bailey surpassed anything else I had every experienced. Just the thought of him being hurt in anyway would literally hurt me, my throat would close up and my chest would ache. I just knew that I was in love in a way that only being a parent can bring about.

I was surprised to find when I got pregnant with Liam how much I despised him at first. I was so angry that I was pregnant, it was ruining everything. I hated that I was constantly throwing up. I was full of contempt for this baby and even contemplated having an abortion. My love for him did not happen over night, I tried to squash it, I tried to hide, I tried to ignore it. It wasn't until I began looking at potential adoptive parents that I realized how far gone I already was. I balled my eyes out and my heart ached, my lungs burned, my throat closed up. I was certain it was the hormones of being pregnant. I even reassured Rodney that it was just hormones, no biggie. I lied to myself and Rodney. I am one of those mothers who is fiercely protective of her kids. My love for Liam is equal to the love I have for Bailey. I never thought that would be possible because of my love for Rodney. I was certain that because I loved Rodney and hated Liam's birth father that Bailey would have the upper hand. That is not so. Never ask me to choose between my boys because I'd rather take my own life. There is nothing in this world I would not do for either of them.

I feel like people skirt around my pumping for Liam and/or the entire adoption process. It's like they are trying to pretend things are back to normal. Well I have a new normal now. My normal may not be the same as your normal and it certainly wasn't the normal that I had planned for but I wouldn't trade my new normal for anything in the world. I wouldn't go back and not get pregnant with Liam. I am so glad that I had him, I am so glad I was able to spend 10 months getting to know him and love him. I have built a maternal bond with him. So why do I pump? Because I am his birth mother. My love for him didn't stop when he went with is mommy and daddy, no it grew. It grew as he grew, it grew with my love for his mommy and daddy. I provide for him in a way that a mother should because it brings me peace, it allows me to provide something to him because there is so much I could not provide him. It makes placing him in a loving home easier for me because I know I am doing my part. That I didn't just pass the buck and walk away. I am able to DO something for my son and that means I am a good birth mother. So don't ask why as a birth mother I donate to Liam ask why not? I love him just as I love Bailey and just as I will love all the children I ever bring into this world. I enjoy looking at his pictures, they do not make me sad. They make me thankful, they make me feel better having proof that he is safe, that he is loved and that I did right by him.

So do not be afraid to ask. Do not be afraid to wonder, to discuss, to mention him to me. Do not be afraid to mention babies, pregnant women, etc. I am so thankful for Liam and nothing you say or ask or do is going to change that, ever. Knowledge is power so again, do not be afraid to ask for I will answer.

And the wheel, she keeps on a turning.

So I haven't updated in a while. Although, I think about things I would like to write through out the week, it just seems they don't get written.

I just finished pumping and was pretty upset at myself because I only pumped a half an ounce total. I have never pumped so little. I know why I only pumped that half an ounce. I let my weekends throw my pumping schedule all off. I allow social obligations to screw with my schedule. Not to say that I shouldn't have a social life but that I need to be more firm in my decision to pump every two hours for fifteen minutes. Pumping is very important to me and I feel like I have been allowing myself to push back the times that I pump so as not to inconvenience anyone else. Unfortunately I am just going to have to stand firm in my decision and the people that I hang out with will either understand or they won't.

I feel like I have been pretty irritable on and off this last week. I think the headaches that I have been having on and off daily for the past two weeks has something to do with it. Little things are bothering me and I don't want them to. It reminds me of when I drank and smoked. I want to remain calm. I think maybe I just need to get out of the house and hang out with someone besides just Bailey and Rodney. Not that I don't love them dearly but I need some me time. Even when I am in the house all day long I am focused on making sure the house is clean for them, cleaning up after them, preparing meals for them and doing their laundry. So by the time that they get home I have already given all my energy to them and they still want more because they don't realize how much I have already given. In a way I am looking forward to going back to work just so that I can get away from having to do all that all day long. I will be able to share the work load with Rodney.

Baby Lamb turned a month old on last Friday, my how time flies! I was able to view some updated photos of him that his mommy posted on Picasa. They were absolutely beautiful. His hair is turning more and more strawberry blond every time I see a new picture. I think it is so awesome because it looks so much like his mommy's hair! He still has those big bright blue eyes that I find so fascinating. Bailey's have always been that beautiful chocolate brown. His mommy told me he had a check up on his one month birthday and he weighed  9lbs 5oz. I like to think my donating the breast milk has helped with that, so I like to think anyway. :)

Money is tight as always and I just keep praying for a miracle. It feels like we are starting over from scratch which is disappointing. I won't begin to tell you our financial troubles, just suffice it to say they suck. Thank God, Bailey isn't old enough to realize how broke we really are. After speaking with my employer today about the possibility of me going back to school though I am feeling a bit more optimistic. She informed me that Chattahoochee Tech's courses are cheap enough to be covered by the Pell Grant and Hope Grant which I qualify for. I think I might have to just go back sooner and make it happen. I can't be on my way to 25 and still be living like this.

My walking daily has been thrown for a loop because the ghetto people who live in my neighborhood have taken the little magnet that you have to have to use the treadmill. Not having the right shoes for walking or running outside I have started walking inside to one of my tapes. It's not really the same though. I am thinking of just taking one of my refrigerator magnets down to the gym and seeing if that works. My not running might have something to do with my grouchiness too.

I think that is about it, other than those minor things we are doing well. Life goes on, the wheel keeps on turning and I keep handing these problems of mine to God who in turn sorts them out for me.