Sunny side up!

I feel like since having been drug back into the drama with certain people recently I have felt depressed, all my posts and blogs reflect my frustration and anger. I walked away for those people and that situation so I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore. I am now walking away again and for good this time. In my world they don't exist.

So on a more positive note, my life is great. I am getting married to the man of my dreams next June. This man who has supported me and loved me, been honest and truthful with me from the day I met him seven years ago. It is so exciting to know this is going to happen for real. I cannot wait to Mrs. Carlock. I look forward to my daddy walking me down the aisle and giving me away.

School is going great, I am doing well in all my classes. One of my teachers actually split up a group that I was in because we answered our worksheet correctly and the fastest. She asked me and one other girl in our group to go help two other groups. It made me feel so good to be singled out in a good way. I love working hard on my papers and having them come back with a score of nine out of ten. I feel accomplished and I can't wait to get my first certificate this December. It is one step on the road of getting my doctorate. My only regret is I wish my Grandmother could see me now, she would be even more proud of who I am today. I know she is watching me from heaven though and helping to gently guide me in the right direction. I love you Grandmother and I miss you!

Although lately I have been feeling a little blue about missing Liam, I am also very happy. It makes me so happy to see his parents beaming with pride and joy in their pictures. I love reading them bragging on his accomplishments and his milestones. I love the three of them so much and although I do miss him I am so glad I gained the three of them in my life. I hope I can get a chance to visit with them soon.

My beautiful baby boy who is not a baby anymore read to me for the first time last week. He sat down with a level two book and read it to me with minimal assistance from me. I am so proud of him and it was the sweetest thing in the world to hear him reading aloud. He is doing so well in school, his teachers are constantly praising him. He is so smart and sweet and outgoing and athletic. God truly blessed me when he gave me Bailey. That boy makes my life worth living.

My amazing little sister is a photographer! I am so proud of her work, she is so very talented not just with her photography but in many aspects of her life. I miss her a lot though. I know we fought a lot but sisters who live together usually do. She is one of the best people to talk to though. I could cry on her shoulder and vent to her during my pregnancy with Liam and she was a great listener and very supportive of me. I miss being able to confide in her face to face. One day soon though that will be possible again and I cannot wait! I really hope she will be able to come to my wedding.

My soon to be mother-in-law said to me yesterday, "You have matured a lot. It's very obvious how much you have grown and are still growing. I am very proud of you." I nearly cried. It means so much to me that people can see the change in me. Certain people still bring out the old me but the people who have been supportive and loving and caring see the changes in me. Being sober for fourteen months has made me realize that I can do anything. Placing Liam in a loving home made me realize that I am a good person. Going back to school has made me realize that I really am smart. Working in my career field has proven to me that I am very good at what I do. They don't call me "The Baby Whisperer" for nothing.

Their are a lot of changes going on in my life and although some are stressful, mostly finances, things are on the up swing. I hope that the people who I have to leave will be understanding because I honestly do love them. Right now I have to provide for my family and so sacrifices must be made. I will keep moving ahead and keep my head up. Thank you all for being understanding and allowing me to vent my anger and frustrations to you. But from now on it's back to the positive and uplifting because only a few can make me that angry and those people are no longer allowed back in my life. I surround myself with good people only.

So blessed!

So much is going on right now but all of it for the better. I cannot believe I am finally going back to school! I am excited to be getting a good education that will help to support me in my goal of better supporting my family. I enjoy buying nice things for my family, providing healthy, delicious, home cooked meals for my boys and helping to put a roof over our heads. A better education means a better position in my career field. I am excited about the future, about what new possibilities having a degree can do for me. I am also very excited to just learn, to become even more knowledgeable about children and education. I was so proud after I got my compass placement test scores back, it was the same feeling I had when I got my G.E.D. transcripts. I did it!

After everything that happened last year I could only hope that Rodney would forgive me. That we could get back to a place of mutual love and respect. I could only dream of planning our wedding together so soon. I sincerely can say that I have never loved Rodney more and couldn't imagine it being possible for me to love him even more but it seems like everyday we grow closer. Rodney's Grandma said to me the other day, "I think you guys are ready, it's time. You both have matured a lot. You had a lot of growing up to do and you did it." That was the best compliment I could have received. I became a mother at 18 and felt entitled. I felt I deserved respect for being an adult and for being a mother. I also was certain that I knew everything. I have come to realize I know very little indeed. But with that I am ready to learn. I am so excited to be getting married to Rodney. I cannot wait to say my vows and to MEAN them. He truly is the light of my life, my knight in shinning armor. I mean to live every day of my life trying to be the woman he deserves to have. I am so looking forward to spending the rest of my life by his side as Mrs. Rodney E Carlock Jr.

Although little things happen each week that aren't always happy or upbeat, I have so much more to live for than I ever had realized before. So all those minor things are exactly that, minor. I won't let one thing or one person steal my happiness, I deserve that much and I intend to have it. God has continually blessed me and I am ever grateful for His love.