Today, was by far the hardest day of my life. Yes, that includes placing Liam for adoption. Placing Liam was only hard in the sense that I couldn't be selfish and keep him all to myself. I knew placing him with Julie and William that he was going to be just fine. And he is a happy, healthy baby loved by the best parents a kid could ask for. But today, oh Lord, today.
After recently having a discussion with a dear friend of mine about making the decision to circumcise baby boys I really thought making this decision for Bailey would be simple. I decided Bailey would be circumcised and he was. But this was so much different. Bailey is only 5 years old but he is a very bright little boy. I talk to him like he is an intelligent human being. Most people are surprised at how much I am willing to explain to Bailey. We chose to not use pet names for private parts, teaching him the correct words. If he asks me why something is this way or why something does this, I tell him the truth. I don't sensor most of the stuff he listens to or watches because I'd rather him listen to it here at home where he can be taught what it means and if it is appropriate for him to say.
Anyhow, so when it came to this surgery, although the ultimate decision was up to Rodney and I, I did ask Bailey his opinion on it. I explained to him what the surgery was, what the surgeon would do and what the risks would be. He comprehended about as much as you would expect a five year old to. He asked a few questions and then said, "I want to be able to breathe." So we decided it was for the best.
Bailey was so well behaved today. The staff at Barrett Surgery Center at Cobb Hospital were absolutely wonderful. They gave him his mask and a "balloon" (the one they use for anesthesia) to practice with. The nurse asked him what scent he'd like out of a bag of flavored Chap-sticks and he chose strawberry. She rubbed the Chap-stick on the inside of the mask so it would smell good and he practiced blowing up the balloon. He showed them his muscles as they took his blood pressure. Then they got him to "steer" the bed back to the surgery room. They put him to sleep before putting his IV in so he wouldn't be in any pain.
As they wheeled him around the corner it took everything in me not to burst into tears. I didn't want to be rooms away from him with locked doors between us. I didn't like the feeling that gave me. The nurses were so good and kept us updated, telling us what to expect next and when. I still managed to work up a headache worrying about him. Finally after what seemed like forever to me the surgeon came out and took us to a private room to tell us that the surgery went just fine. They removed his adenoids which were apparently huge and did a procedure on his nasal cavity to enlarge it giving him more room to breathe and less problems with allergies.
Another 20 minutes creeps by and they finally say one parent could go back to be with him. Rodney graciously allowed his over worried mommy to go be with him. They warned me that he had woken up in a panic so they gave him something to settle him until I could be with him. I was led back to a tiny room where my precious angel lay sleeping like I had never sleep before. His eyes were slick and his moth was agape. It was terribly emotional. I sat on the edge of the chair next to his bed and began rubbing his arm and back. He woke up panicked again until he became coherent enough to realize I was there. I assured him I wasn't going anywhere and he could sleep if he wanted to. He drifted back off into a more peaceful sleep. I finally allowed myself to cry then holding my baby's little hand.
It's hard to believe he is five when my heart still tells me he is my little baby boy. I don't know that my heart will ever register his actual age and that's just fine. I was so relieved to have him back with me holding him and comforting him. He woke again worried because he couldn't breathe through his nose and his throat hurt. I gave him so pain medicine and his apple juice. He started to calm down and look around at everything. He was greatly concerned with his IV and wanted it taken out. I told him I understood that and explained what the IV was and why he needed it. That seemed to help settle that issue with him although it still was sore to him. We finally were moved into his discharge room where his daddy and grandma met us. Bailey was finally back to his old self.
We have been home since about 10:30 this morning and he is definitely back to being his normal self. I can't imagine how much fun it will be for Rodney to try to keep him in bed tomorrow. I know tomorrow will be difficult for me returning to work while Bailey is still recovering but at least he will be home with his daddy. I love that son of mine more than I ever thought possible. I honestly never thought my heart could hold that much love. Today, allowing them to wheel my baby away from me to perform surgery on him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am so very proud of my big boy and just feel so blessed to have him in my life. He makes me a better person everyday.
Showing posts with label Bailey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bailey. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
My first pregnancy and the birth of my first child.
I got pregnant with my first son Bailey in January of 2005. Right out of jail. For what you say? Alcohol, my greatest downfalls have always been because of alcohol or should I say alcohol is my greatest downfall. But God blessed me with my pregnancy with my first son, little did I know that it was a blessing. I was already madly in love with his father Rodney, my knight in shinning armor literally. He gave me a place to live, took me in and took care of me. We had met each other at our job at Pizza Hut six months before that. Both making barely any money working part time at that lousy job. Rodney was a full time student at the Art Institute of Atlanta. He worked his butt off and went to school. I was a high school drop out and a criminal. A match made in heaven, no?
Needless to say when we found out we were pregnant it was a big shock. I was eighteen (just barely) and Rodney was turning twenty-one that April. We were still babies ourselves, only we didn't know it. We thought we knew it all, knew we were adults and had all the answers. Bailey fixed that assumption for us, he not so politely taught us that in fact we knew nothing at all. Once we decided we were keeping our baby, I began to pray. I prayed for a little boy. Not for a healthy child or something a little less vain. I wanted a little boy for Rodney so badly, I would pray while I was throwing up what I had managed to eat into the toilet. "Please God, let this be a boy!, Please, God, please!" I remember the tears streaming down my face as I'd continue to throw up my stomach acid. I was so frustrated that I couldn't eat and even more frustrated that I was so hungry.
Looking at me now it's hard to believe I used to be a size five. I was when I got pregnant with Bailey. I will probably never be a size five again, not because I can't lose the weight but because my body shape changed so much since having Bailey and now since having Liam as well. I am so OK with that now though, I used to long for my teenage body back. I wanted to look like I did before. Now, I look like a woman, like a mother. I have round hips and breasts that scream I was made to be a mother. I love it, I love my body now more since getting pregnant with Liam than I ever have. I am finally confident in it. Anyhow, I digress.
I was a skinny little thing when I was pregnant with Bailey, I was lucky enough to fit most of my clothes for most of my pregnancy. After getting past the first trimester of throwing up everything that went down I really enjoyed my pregnancy. Only towards the end did I swell in my feet and face, I also had heartburn but only occasionally and it wasn't too bad. I was skinny with a little round belly. I loved going to the pool with my bikini on and my round belly all out. I did manage to get myself a good sunburn doing that. I don't usually put sunscreen on, I know, I know, but no one told me that when you are pregnant your skin is even more sensitive to the sun. I burned up a nice tomato red.
I didn't take any birthing classes, I read a lot of books but didn't really study breathing or pain management or anything. I made the usual false alarm trips to the hospital, which was a huge deal for us because we lived a good 30-40 minutes from our hospital. For those of you who have not been to Wellstar Cobb Hospital, it is totally worth the drive. I went in to labor on October 18th at 8 in the morning, a day before his due date. My water didn't break however, I was just having contractions (felt like menstrual cramping) every seven minutes. Rodney who was already at work got a frantic phone call not from me but from his brother. His younger brother sat with me begging me not to have the baby yet, while we waited for Rodney to get home. Rodney finally did, although not fast enough to satisfy his brother. We hoped in the car and left for the hospital.
We did a lot of waiting after that. I wasn't dilated far enough so they had me walk the halls. I finally got dilated to a seven and then sat at a seven for what seemed like forever. Then all of a sudden I was dilated to ten. I had an epidural with my first son, I knew that I wanted all the pain med's they could give me. Unfortunately that doesn't always work out for the best. With my mom, my biological mother, Rodney and his mother on the left side of me I began feeling the urge to push. They stuck a tiny little nurse at the end of my bed with a towel in her hand. I was supposed to pull on one end and she on the other. I damn near pulled that tiny little girl into the bed with me, so we nixed that idea. I did a lot of pushing for a very long time with Bailey. I was so numb from the epidural down that I couldn't feel where to push. He was also face-up which makes it really hard for their heads to fit through the birth canal. It was a very frustrating and exhausting process especially for a girl my age.
Bailey did finally makes his way out after the doctor threatened a C-section and then got the vacuum. With an episiotomy and the vacuum he managed to make his way out at 8:50 that night. He was 7 lbs 11 oz and 19 inches long. He had a cone head from the vacuum and looked a little pale to me. I expected my biracial son to come out a little darker than he did. It took a little while for him to get darker and he still isn't all that dark (except during the summer when he becomes a nice beautiful coconut brown.). He had soft straight black hair that felt like silk to the touch. That all fell out later and his nice medium brown nappy curls came in but that is further along in the story. This is just about my pregnancy and the birth of my first son.
I quit drinking when I was pregnant with Bailey, I never really quit smoking, just cut back. I hid a lot of that from Rodney. He spent a lot of his time trying to keep me in check while I spent a lot of my time trying to work around him. I wanted to be eighteen and was not interested in being pregnant and having my actions not only affect me but our child as well. I don't know what I ever did to deserve a good man like Rodney. He has never given up on me, never let me down, never walked away from me. Like I said previously I was headed down a very bad road and God gave me Rodney who gave me Bailey. Don't worry I will post my pregnancy and the birth of Liam soon too. But seeing as Bailey is the big brother and came first I felt his story needed to be told first.
Needless to say when we found out we were pregnant it was a big shock. I was eighteen (just barely) and Rodney was turning twenty-one that April. We were still babies ourselves, only we didn't know it. We thought we knew it all, knew we were adults and had all the answers. Bailey fixed that assumption for us, he not so politely taught us that in fact we knew nothing at all. Once we decided we were keeping our baby, I began to pray. I prayed for a little boy. Not for a healthy child or something a little less vain. I wanted a little boy for Rodney so badly, I would pray while I was throwing up what I had managed to eat into the toilet. "Please God, let this be a boy!, Please, God, please!" I remember the tears streaming down my face as I'd continue to throw up my stomach acid. I was so frustrated that I couldn't eat and even more frustrated that I was so hungry.
Looking at me now it's hard to believe I used to be a size five. I was when I got pregnant with Bailey. I will probably never be a size five again, not because I can't lose the weight but because my body shape changed so much since having Bailey and now since having Liam as well. I am so OK with that now though, I used to long for my teenage body back. I wanted to look like I did before. Now, I look like a woman, like a mother. I have round hips and breasts that scream I was made to be a mother. I love it, I love my body now more since getting pregnant with Liam than I ever have. I am finally confident in it. Anyhow, I digress.
I was a skinny little thing when I was pregnant with Bailey, I was lucky enough to fit most of my clothes for most of my pregnancy. After getting past the first trimester of throwing up everything that went down I really enjoyed my pregnancy. Only towards the end did I swell in my feet and face, I also had heartburn but only occasionally and it wasn't too bad. I was skinny with a little round belly. I loved going to the pool with my bikini on and my round belly all out. I did manage to get myself a good sunburn doing that. I don't usually put sunscreen on, I know, I know, but no one told me that when you are pregnant your skin is even more sensitive to the sun. I burned up a nice tomato red.
I didn't take any birthing classes, I read a lot of books but didn't really study breathing or pain management or anything. I made the usual false alarm trips to the hospital, which was a huge deal for us because we lived a good 30-40 minutes from our hospital. For those of you who have not been to Wellstar Cobb Hospital, it is totally worth the drive. I went in to labor on October 18th at 8 in the morning, a day before his due date. My water didn't break however, I was just having contractions (felt like menstrual cramping) every seven minutes. Rodney who was already at work got a frantic phone call not from me but from his brother. His younger brother sat with me begging me not to have the baby yet, while we waited for Rodney to get home. Rodney finally did, although not fast enough to satisfy his brother. We hoped in the car and left for the hospital.
We did a lot of waiting after that. I wasn't dilated far enough so they had me walk the halls. I finally got dilated to a seven and then sat at a seven for what seemed like forever. Then all of a sudden I was dilated to ten. I had an epidural with my first son, I knew that I wanted all the pain med's they could give me. Unfortunately that doesn't always work out for the best. With my mom, my biological mother, Rodney and his mother on the left side of me I began feeling the urge to push. They stuck a tiny little nurse at the end of my bed with a towel in her hand. I was supposed to pull on one end and she on the other. I damn near pulled that tiny little girl into the bed with me, so we nixed that idea. I did a lot of pushing for a very long time with Bailey. I was so numb from the epidural down that I couldn't feel where to push. He was also face-up which makes it really hard for their heads to fit through the birth canal. It was a very frustrating and exhausting process especially for a girl my age.
Bailey did finally makes his way out after the doctor threatened a C-section and then got the vacuum. With an episiotomy and the vacuum he managed to make his way out at 8:50 that night. He was 7 lbs 11 oz and 19 inches long. He had a cone head from the vacuum and looked a little pale to me. I expected my biracial son to come out a little darker than he did. It took a little while for him to get darker and he still isn't all that dark (except during the summer when he becomes a nice beautiful coconut brown.). He had soft straight black hair that felt like silk to the touch. That all fell out later and his nice medium brown nappy curls came in but that is further along in the story. This is just about my pregnancy and the birth of my first son.
I quit drinking when I was pregnant with Bailey, I never really quit smoking, just cut back. I hid a lot of that from Rodney. He spent a lot of his time trying to keep me in check while I spent a lot of my time trying to work around him. I wanted to be eighteen and was not interested in being pregnant and having my actions not only affect me but our child as well. I don't know what I ever did to deserve a good man like Rodney. He has never given up on me, never let me down, never walked away from me. Like I said previously I was headed down a very bad road and God gave me Rodney who gave me Bailey. Don't worry I will post my pregnancy and the birth of Liam soon too. But seeing as Bailey is the big brother and came first I felt his story needed to be told first.
Monday, March 7, 2011
In the beginning...
there was a girl. But if I started WAY back then, I'd be here for days. So instead I'll just give an overview. I became a mother at the ripe old age of 18 to the most amazing little boy, Bailey. I'll tell you all about that birth story another time. This is just an overview remember? If it were not for that most amazing little boy and his father, I'd be in prison or dead. I was very much headed down a bad road. The road I ended up taking instead was not necessarily the easy one and I met my fair share of problems but it made me the woman I am today. I have said this before and sometimes felt ashamed because I knew that I didn't really like the woman that I was. That has changed. And that change happened when I got pregnant with my second son, Liam.
He, too, has saved my life. The alcohol had taken over my existence leaving behind a very undesirable person when he was conceived. I placed my second son up for adoption, this was both the hardest and the easiest decision of my life. There is nothing I wouldn't do, nothing I wouldn't sacrifice for my children. Both of them. I love my sons more than I ever thought was humanly possible. In fact I love Bailey even more now having given birth to his half-brother than I did before . How is it possible that having another child can make room for even more love in your heart for not just that child but for the previous one as well? I cannot explain it. It should not be possible but it is like pouring water into a glass that continues to expand so that it may hold as much water as you can pour into it.
Two days ago I visited with my second son and his parents. I knew that I loved them like they were my own flesh and blood from the moment I spoke with them over the phone. A phone call that lasted four hours and somehow only felt like mere minutes in which we crammed a life time. Feeling their love and acceptance of me, I could not doubt that they would just as easily love and accept my baby too. It was so interesting and enlightening to meet with them and Liam. Having met them before I gave birth I knew them as they were, two adults, two very amazing adults but just two adults. Two days ago it was like I met them all over again but this time I met them as two parents, two very amazing parents. They had assumed their new identity wholly and it was like they had always been parents. Watching them both looking so lovingly down at the face of their son was one of the most beautiful things I have ever been lucky enough to witness. The love they have for Liam is more than any mother could hope for.
In a lot of ways Liam is even more lucky than Bailey, he not only has me but he has his half-brother and both his parents and their entire family and mine! All that love surrounding him, supporting him and helping him to grow into the man he is destined to be. I have decided that when I am asked to describe myself I will no longer say I am a blank year old mother of an amazing blank year old little boy named Bailey but will instead add to that, and birth mother to an awesome blank year old little boy named Liam.
When going for a job interview recently I debated over whether or not to mention the recent adoption of my son. I decided that I have nothing to be ashamed of, I am not ashamed of Liam, I am not ashamed of my decision to place him for adoption, I am not ashamed that I am pumping to donate to him. No, I am proud! I am proud of Liam, I am proud of his parents, I am proud of Bailey for taking this in stride, I am proud that I was able to say, "I can't provide for Liam all that he needs so I will instead find someone who can.", I am proud that I did just that, I am proud that I am pumping and donating, and I am proud to be a birth mother. I owe my life to my children and willing would do anything for both of them. In this blog I plan to write what I feel. Not just about Liam but about Bailey, about being a mother and about being a birth mother. I will probably compare my pregnancy with Bailey to my pregnancy with Liam, as well as the birth and the resulting emotions.
So in the beginning of this blog there was a 24 year old mother to an amazing 5 year old little boy named Bailey and an awesome 10 day old little boy named Liam.
He, too, has saved my life. The alcohol had taken over my existence leaving behind a very undesirable person when he was conceived. I placed my second son up for adoption, this was both the hardest and the easiest decision of my life. There is nothing I wouldn't do, nothing I wouldn't sacrifice for my children. Both of them. I love my sons more than I ever thought was humanly possible. In fact I love Bailey even more now having given birth to his half-brother than I did before . How is it possible that having another child can make room for even more love in your heart for not just that child but for the previous one as well? I cannot explain it. It should not be possible but it is like pouring water into a glass that continues to expand so that it may hold as much water as you can pour into it.
Two days ago I visited with my second son and his parents. I knew that I loved them like they were my own flesh and blood from the moment I spoke with them over the phone. A phone call that lasted four hours and somehow only felt like mere minutes in which we crammed a life time. Feeling their love and acceptance of me, I could not doubt that they would just as easily love and accept my baby too. It was so interesting and enlightening to meet with them and Liam. Having met them before I gave birth I knew them as they were, two adults, two very amazing adults but just two adults. Two days ago it was like I met them all over again but this time I met them as two parents, two very amazing parents. They had assumed their new identity wholly and it was like they had always been parents. Watching them both looking so lovingly down at the face of their son was one of the most beautiful things I have ever been lucky enough to witness. The love they have for Liam is more than any mother could hope for.
In a lot of ways Liam is even more lucky than Bailey, he not only has me but he has his half-brother and both his parents and their entire family and mine! All that love surrounding him, supporting him and helping him to grow into the man he is destined to be. I have decided that when I am asked to describe myself I will no longer say I am a blank year old mother of an amazing blank year old little boy named Bailey but will instead add to that, and birth mother to an awesome blank year old little boy named Liam.
When going for a job interview recently I debated over whether or not to mention the recent adoption of my son. I decided that I have nothing to be ashamed of, I am not ashamed of Liam, I am not ashamed of my decision to place him for adoption, I am not ashamed that I am pumping to donate to him. No, I am proud! I am proud of Liam, I am proud of his parents, I am proud of Bailey for taking this in stride, I am proud that I was able to say, "I can't provide for Liam all that he needs so I will instead find someone who can.", I am proud that I did just that, I am proud that I am pumping and donating, and I am proud to be a birth mother. I owe my life to my children and willing would do anything for both of them. In this blog I plan to write what I feel. Not just about Liam but about Bailey, about being a mother and about being a birth mother. I will probably compare my pregnancy with Bailey to my pregnancy with Liam, as well as the birth and the resulting emotions.
So in the beginning of this blog there was a 24 year old mother to an amazing 5 year old little boy named Bailey and an awesome 10 day old little boy named Liam.
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