Useful Links

So having gone Primal I have had to learn some new recipes but I am always looking for more. Diversity is the key for me, I will quickly get stuck in a rut of the same ole foods which quickly becomes a bore. I've found some more cookbooks which I will be going to read through here momentarily while simultaneously making a grocery list. However, I thought maybe some of my readers would be interested in some of the very usual links I have found. I hope you enjoy!

P.S. Some of these you may already know but some of you are "newbs" so bear with me.

http://marksdailyapple.com

http://civilizedcavemancooking.com

www.thefoodieandthefamily.com/category/primalpaleo

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/

http://eatcleandiet.com

http://www.localharvest.org

http://hunter-gatherer.com

http://paleotrack.com

http://www.teambeachbody.com/home

http://www.primalbody-primalmind.com

http://www.foodrenegade.com

http://www.paleoplan.com

http://squattypotty.com

http://www.invisibleshoe.com


If you have any suggestions for useful links please share with us! I will be posting these to the side too so you can always have access to them.

Is Intermittent Fasting (IF) healthy?

It appears I've been doing this accidentally because I've been skipping breakfast (just haven't been hungry) but I think I may amp it up after my mom emailed me an article about Intermittent Fasting (IF) and my research on it and finding that it works really well with the Primal/Paleo.

From Mark's Daily Apple, author of The Primal Blueprint:

Is Intermittent Fasting Healthy? One thing is certain in the field of health: what is common wisdom today can easily become “misapplied science” tomorrow. What’s “in” this year may be “out” next year. Often it’s hard to arrive at the right answer.


For example: Oily fish is good for you because the Omega-3′s are so healthy, but oily fish is bad because it can be contaminated with heavy metals, but oily fish is good because recent tests prove it’s not actually very contaminated, but oily fish is bad because the fishing industry paid for those tests…you get my point.


The Fats vs. Carbs argument is another. So when a reader recently asked about regular fasting as a means of maintaining good health, I had to re-evaluate my point of view slightly. What I found surprised me and convinced me to add a new twist to my ongoing health-and-anti-aging regimen. It’s called Intermittent Fasting – or IF.



Twenty years ago, as I was first forming my Primal Health point-of-view (based on a model of how humans evolved), I found it very easy to embrace the concept of “grazing” that seemed to represent the collective conscious of the weight-loss-and-health movement at the time. After all, eating several small meals a day – grazing to maintain even blood sugar and to avoid having your body go into starvation mode and start hoarding gobs of fat – seemed to fit my picture of early humans roaming the plains of Africa foraging for roots, shoots, nuts, berries, grubs and the occasional road-kill leftover from a hyena feast. The explanation that we in the weight-loss business gave the public was that by maintaining this steady supply of protein, fats and carbs throughout the day we would never experience a wild swing in blood sugar due to rapid rises and falls in insulin, therefore we would be less inclined to store fat and more inclined to burn off our existing fat stores. Heaven help us if we skipped breakfast, overate or starved ourselves periodically. That would surely wreak havoc on the delicate hormonal systems keeping us in homeostatic balance.


Well, maybe not.


The truth is, many people have succeeded in losing weight and keeping most of it off using this simple grazing method, which consists of eating 5 or 6 small meals or snacks spread evenly throughout the day, with no single meal exceeding 600 calories and where each meal or snack contains a little protein. This grazing method is the ultimate in portion control: take the 2400 (or more) calories you might otherwise scarf down in 2 meals and simply spread them evenly throughout the day. I think it’s reasonable to project that many more have avoided or postponed getting type 2 diabetes using the same method.


But like many behaviors in the fitness and health world, there comes a point where the benefits decrease and we find ourselves on the dreaded plateau.


The first thing most people will tell you about their attempts at grazing is, while it usually works well if you are diligent, it’s pretty difficult to stick with, since you need to be near a source of quality food every few hours. If you work at home most days as I do, it’s not a problem, but it can make life difficult if you work in an office setting or happen to be a road warrior.


The next common issue is that after a few months of progress, you arrive at a frustrating point where the weight stops coming off, the initial high energy levels decline or you stop building muscle. That makes sense from an evolutionary perspective, since the body is so well-tuned to adapt to any situation – including a perfectly even flow of nutrients. In this case, the body’s reaction to this steady supply of nutrition is to actually decrease insulin sensitivity. It “knows” there will always be food, so it “down-regulates” insulin receptors, and probably down-regulates other metabolic systems as well.


In my Primal Health articles here at MDA, I am always looking at ways we can harness our DNA blueprint to maximize health. I like to see how we can shake things up a little and trick the body into burning more fuel, creating more lean muscle, repairing cell damage and staying injury- and illness-free. So when my 79-year-old buddy Sid at the gym started raving about his weekly 24-hour fast over a year ago, and my friend Art started writing about his own fasting experiences, I decided to look into it further.


The results were surprising and impressive.


Numerous animal and human studies done over the past 15 years suggest that periodic fasting can have dramatic results not only in areas of weight (fat) loss, but in overall health and longevity as well. A recent article in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition gives a great overview of these benefits which include decreases in blood pressure, reduction in oxidative damage to lipids, protein and DNA, improvement in insulin sensitivity and glucose uptake, as well as decreases in fat mass.


How can you argue with results like these? And it all makes sense from an evolutionary perspective, because our predecessors almost certainly went through regular cycles where food was either abundant or very scarce. The body may have established protective mechanisms to adapt to these conditions by sensitizing insulin receptors when it was critical that every bit of food be efficiently used or stored (as in famine), or by desensitizing them when there was a surplus, so the body wouldn’t be overly-burdened by grossly excessive calorie intake .


Beyond insulin sensitivity, it appears that caloric restriction and intermittent fasting may “turn on” certain genes that repair specific tissues that would not otherwise be repaired in times of surplus. One could surmise that this adaptation serves to allow certain cells to live longer (as repaired cells) during famine since it’s energetically less expensive to repair a cell than to divide and create a new one. That might help explain some of the extended longevity seen in animal studies using caloric restriction and/or intermittent fasting (read about here , here , and here ). Intermittent fasting has also been shown to reduce spontaneous cancers in animal studies , which could be due to a decrease in oxidative damage or an increase in immune response.


So, what are the practical applications of this research?


It depends. There’s probably no right answer (remember what I said at the beginning!) Art suggests mimicking the experiences of our ancestors, which is to say don’t plan any fast, just surprise your body every once in a while with 24 hours of little or no food. My friend Sid does his fast every Tuesday like clockwork, so he has a light final meal on Monday night and doesn’t eat again until Wednesday breakfast. He does drink water and a little juice on his fasting day. Some fasting programs suggest you take a two-week “cleansing” approach where you eat regularly every other day and fast (or eat 40% of normal) on alternate days for two weeks twice a year.


One thing that is most interesting about the intermittent fasting studies is that slightly overeating on the non-fasting days (to make up for the lack of calories on fast days) yielded similar results, so it wasn’t so much about total calories as it was about the episodic deprivation.


As for me, I’m going to try the once a week deal, but I’ll start by no longer agonizing over a skipped breakfast or late dinner. What I used to think was the end of the world might just be the beginning of a new one!

From Mike Geary, The Truth About Abs:

If there's one thing I want to make sure we do in these newsletters, it is show you different scientific evidence about the variety of different ways that you can be successful in your nutrition plan.

Meal frequency and timing has always been one of those topics that's been controversial...some people say 5-6 meals per day is the only way to go, some say 1 meal per day is the way to go, and others talk about the "3 squares" per day.

Today's article is written by a good friend of mine and expert in the nutrition field, John Romaniello. And John is going to show you some very interesting info about skipping breakfast (not what you think) and also what he calls the myth about 5-6 meals/day.
Does Eating 5-6 Meals/Day HARM Your Fat Loss?The Science Behind Intermittent Fasting (IF) and Meal Timing

By John Romaniello, author of FatLossForever

Intermittent fasting may be the most discussed dietary concept on the Internet right now. Like many other "breakout" diets, intermittent fasting (IF) is growing by leaps and bounds; however, unlike most of the other diets, IF is gaining ground despite the fact that the practice challenges many long-help assumptions about nutrition.

In fact, practicing IF forces you to eat in direct opposition to those assumptions, and that-along with the results-it what's generating all the buzz.

Before we get into the why and the how, let's first discuss the basics of the what.

What is Intermittent Fasting?The most accurate definition is the simplest one: IF is merely the alternation of intervals of not eating (fasting) with times where you are allowed to eat.

Or, to use IF parlance, you alternate a fasting period with a feeding window. How long each will be varies depending on which "type" of IF programming you select-and there are several.

Each method of intermittent fasting will be discussed in a later article, but for now, it's enough to mention that the differences come from expanding the fasting window. The fasting period on specific plans can range from 16 hours all the way up to 36 hours (with several stops in between), and each of those specific plans will have benefits.

It's also important to note that every one of us does some form of fasting, whether you realize it or not. The least technical-while-still-being-accurate definition of fasting is simply "not eating," so anytime you're not eating, you're fasting.

Most of us aren't on a structured timetable of meals where the window of fasting is constant, so rather than fasting intermittently, we're fasting haphazardly-and there's no benefit there.

The exception for most people is sleep. When you're sleeping, you're fasting; therefore most of us have a fairly rigid fasting period of 6-8 hours per night, until we eat in the morning. It is for this reason, by the way, that our morning meal is called "breakfast," as you are literally breaking your overnight fast.

Which brings us to our next point.

The Most Important Meal of the Day? Intermittent Fasting Science Tackles the Insidious Scourge of Breakfast!

Breakfast is sort of a hot topic in the IF world, and in fact seems to be the first point of contention for people looking in on intermittent fasting from the outside. Don't we need breakfast?

Intermittent Fasting proponents tend to say no...which flys in the face of much of the dietary advice coming from every authority from Registered Dieticians to MDs. For years, we've been told that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. In fact, many people are often scolded by their physicians for skipping breakfast-particularly people who are embarking on a plan to lose weight.

There is some credence here, by the way: a study conducted in 2008 showed that participants who ate a calorically dense breakfast lost more weight than those that didn't. The espoused theory for the results was that the higher caloric intake early in the day led people to snack less often and lowered caloric intake overall.

The value of that study has been questioned for many reasons, not the least of which is that despite the fact that roughly 90% of Americans eat breakfast, close to 50% of Americans are overweight. If eating breakfast is the first step to weight loss, then something else is going wrong.

More evidence seems to support the breakfast idea, though. There are some epidemiological studies that show a connection skipping breakfast and higher body weight.

Of course, proponents of the breakfast theory are quick to suggest that most people are simply eating the wrong breakfast, as quick n easy meals like Danishes and doughnuts, which can lead to weight gain.

However, the crux of the breakfast study is ultimately that a larger breakfast leads to lower overall caloric intake. That is, the argument for a larger breakfast ultimately boils down to energy balance; if that study is reliant on that position that weight loss comes down of calories in versus calories out, then the make up of the food shouldn't matter. If we've learned anything from Mark Haub's Twinkie Diet, it's that you can eat garbage and lose weight; clearly, something else is going on.

The only real argument that breakfast crowd have is insulin sensitivity. As a very basic note on what this is and why this matters the more sensitive your body is to insulin, the more likely you are to lose fat and gain muscle. Increasing insulin sensitivity almost always leads to more efficient dieting.

Getting back to it, supporters of eating breakfast declare that as insulin sensitivity is higher in the morning, eating a carbohydrate rich breakfast is going to have the greatest balance of taking in a large amount of energy without the danger of weight gain.

This brings us back to IF. You see, insulin sensitivity isn't higher "in the morning"; it's higher after the 8-10 hour fasting periods you experience if you sleep. Or more specifically, insulin sensitivity is higher when glycogen levels are depleted; as liver glycogen will be somewhat depleted from your sleeping fast.

Intermittent fasting takes that a step further: it seems that extending the fasting period beyond that 8-10 hours by skipping breakfast (and therefore further depleting glycogen) will increase insulin even further.

Insulin sensitivity is also increased post exercise (due to further glycogen depletion in addition to other mechanisms), and so in many cases IF proponents suggest compounding benefits by training in a fasted state and then having a carbohydrate right meal immediately post workout.

Ultimately, this all means that there's nothing special about breakfast and no need to eat first thing in the morning-the first meal you eat to break your fast will be exposed to the benefits of increased insulin sensitivity.

A discussion that mentions skipping breakfast-or any meal, really-will invariably lead into a discussion of meal frequency, which leads us to our next point.


On Frequency: Intermittent Fasting Crusaders Battle the Myth of Six MealsAnd now we come to the It seems that over the past 15-20 years, hundreds of diet books have been printed, and no two were identical. In fact, some of them have been in direct opposition to one another.

Calorie-restrictive plans like Weight Watchers certainly don't agree with plans like the Atkins diet, the first iteration of which allowed dieters to at all they want, as long as they kept carbs low.

Similarly, carb conscious plans generally call for products like yogurt or cottage cheese to be used as portable sources of protein, but many plans to reject dairy products altogether.

Despite the incredibly disparate natures of so many of these diets, the one thing that has been consistently suggested in most books published over the past 20 years is the frequency of meals.

If you've read a diet book, seen a nutritionist or hired a personal trainer at any point during that time, you've probably been told that in order to lose weight, you need to eat 5-6 small meals per day. (Note: this suggestion is sometimes phrased as "3 meals and 2 snacks.")

This style of eating, commonly referred to as the frequent feeding model, is popular with everyone from dieticians to bodybuilders, and has been repeated so often for so long that it's generally taken as fact.

Which it isn't.

In fact, the reputed benefits of eating small meals more often have never been scientifically validated.

The first and most commonly cited of these is that eating frequently "stokes the metabolic fire." Put less colloquially, the theory suggests that since eating increases your metabolic rate, the more often you eat, the more your metabolic rate will be elevated. That's true, but it doesn't lead to more fat loss-in fact, it's been scientifically borne out that there won't be a difference at all.

When you eat, your metabolic rate increased because of the energy required to break down the food you've taken in. This is called the Thermic Effect of Food, or TEF. So, while you're be experiencing energy expenditure due to TEF every time you eat, the net effect is no different regardless of how many times you eat, as long as the total amount of food is the same.

You see, TEF is directly proportional to caloric intake, and if caloric intake is the same, at the end of the day, there will be no metabolic difference between eating 5-6 meals or 2-3. In fact, as long as the total calories are the same, you can eat ten meals or one meal, and you'll still get the same metabolic effect.

Further, one study has shown that eating more frequently is less beneficial from the perspective of satiety, or feeling "full." Which means that the more often you eat, the more likely you are to be hungry-leading to higher caloric intake and eventual weight gain.

Intermittent Fasting guru Martin Berkhan has summarized this study, it's meaning, and the effects of such things quite well, but suffice it to say that it seems people who eat larger meals less frequently take in fewer calories and are more satisfied doing so.

A smaller number of meals obviously fits well into fasting protocols-if you are condensing the amount of time you're "allowed" to eat into a small window of 4-8 hours, having more than 2-3 meals becomes impractical at best and impossible at worst. My clients who practice IF eat 3 meals (not counting a post-workout shake, which they consume on days they train with weights).

Calories, Hormones, and Eternal Life (Okay, Not Really): The Benefits of Intermittent FastingObviously, above and beyond the debunking of long-believed myths, there are numerous benefits to Intermittent Fasting that make it so popular.

Firstly, as we've established thus far, people who practice IF eat less frequently. In addition to feeling hungry less often, and more full when they do eat, these people benefit in terms of practicality and logistics.

After all, eating fewer meals means fewer meals and/or buying fewer meals. In addition to saving you time (and, probably, money), this also means that you exposed to flavors less often, and are therefore less likely to get bored and eat something you shouldn't.

We've also mentioned that eating less frequently tends to result in eating fewer calories overall, but that's a pretty important point so it bears repeating: eating less frequently tends to result in eating few calories overall. 

And speaking of caloric restriction: that brings us to another benefit. IF plans that require full day fasting drastically reduce your calorie intake, so if you are using a style of IF which requires you to fast for 24 hours twice per week, you're reducing your food intake by about 30%. It's not hard to see how that would lead to weight loss.

Going a little further, by restricting calories, you're forcing the body to look elsewhere than the gut for energy, which can encourage cellular repair. That is, a cell will turn to its own damaged proteins for energy. While that cycle would be bad in the long term, keep in mind you're only fasting for "brief" periods; when you eat again the cell will use the new cell-stuff replace the old cell-stuff that's been consumed. All told, this phenomenon-which, again, stems from caloric restriction-can generally help prevent both disease and age.

For something more specific: one study out of the University of Utah showed that people who fasted just one day per month were 40% less likely to suffer from clogged arteries.

While there's certainly a lot to be said for caloric restriction, it's important to keep in mind that intermittent fasting isn't just about eating fewer calories-there are also hormonal benefits that lead to improved body composition.

For starters, there's the improved insulin sensitivity that comes with fasting, especially when paired with exercises, as we've covered; however, fasting has other hormonal benefits, including (but not limited to) an increase in the secretion of growth hormone (GH).

Growth Hormone has a myriad benefits-a discussion of which in full is beyond the scope of this writing-but for our purposes it's enough to say that the more GH your produce, the faster you can lose fat and gain muscle. Additionally, GH tends to offset the effects of cortisol, which is (in part) related to belly fat storage; so it seems likely that fasting can help you lose belly fat, at least indirectly.

Still not satisfied? Well, if you need another benefit, fasting reduces inflammation as well, which can have implications for improved immunity as well as increased fat loss.

Wrapping Up

The most important thing to remember about Intermittent Fasting is that it isn't a "diet" -it's a way of eating, a nutritional lifestyle that will allow you to reach your goals in an efficient and convenient manner, and then hold onto your physique one you achieve them.

While IF isn't for everyone, nor is it a perfect plan, it's certainly an effective way to lose weight.

In addition to the hormonal benefits inherent in the practice, you'll also feel more satisfied with your food, feel hungry less often, and probably save some money on food!

Moreover, you may live longer...if, you know, you're into that.

So, even if you never try IF, you can at least appreciate that it's forced the industry at large to re-evaluate the "truths" we tend to cling to.

Perhaps it's for this reason that Intermittent Fasting seems to be generally received with appreciation and acceptance, while low carb diets, Atkins, and the "Twinkie diet" all have people on both sides of the line either praising or lambasting them.

That is, IF is well received once people see the research-and there's a simple reason for that: it works.

Due to the combination of automatic caloric restriction, hormonal optimaztion, and ease of compliance and adjustability, IF isn't just a fad-it's here to stay...because it may well be the most effective eating method around.-----------

Roman has teamed up on a new program called FatLossForever, which incorporates intermittent fasting into a smart scientific plan to get lean for LIFE.

And since John is launching this new product this week, he's offering you a great deal to get $30 off of FatLossForever this week and try it out for yourself and see how simple and easy it can be to get lean for life.

3 Tricks to Lifelong FatLossRead this page above to see more about how IF can make your nutrition simpler, easier, and possibly more effective. It may not be for everyone, but many people find this type of program to be much easier to follow than typical high frequency eating plans. Have fun!

Mike GearyCertified Nutrition SpecialistCertified Personal TrainerTruthAboutAbs.com | BusyManFitness.com | AvalancheSkiTraining.com

Update

So I started back crocheting, for those of you who don't know or haven't been bombarded with my crochet pictures. I'm loving it now that I understand it better. I'm somewhat addicted to it. It busies my hands so I don't feel the need to sit around and snack while watching television. It's been really awesome and luckily I know some people who are having babies soon, so I have a few more excuses to crochet.

I've also been cooking like crazy since starting this Primal Blueprint "diet". I have to admit that's the hardest part. It's the not being lazy and actually getting in the kitchen to cook every single day. I make one day our "left-over day" but that's still a lot more cooking than I used to do. Especially when you take in account that I'm cooking breakfast too. I'm still motivated by my 7 lbs weight loss though. I was complaining, like I tend to do, that I was hungry but didn't feel like cooking at some point last night. Rodney said something about making a sandwich. The temptation was overwhelming but I said no and grabbed some dry fruit. It was yummy and filling, I didn't have a sugar crash or feel lethargic like I would have had I decided to eat that sandwich. I did bring grains back in the house for Rodney because as much as I love him, if he complained one more time about wanting a hamburger, I may have killed him.

My exercise routine has faltered a bit. I need to get back into and do it every day and keep doing it even when I don't want to. Eventually it will become a habit. Trust me, right now I don't have anything else I could be doing, nothing pressing anyway. The television shows can wait another 30-60 minutes. My Blockbuster account was recently reactivated by mistake but in that mistake I did find out that I can rent video games one at a time with my subscription. So I added The Biggest Loser for the Wii to try it out and see what I think. I love the Wii Fit Plus still just wanted to see what The Biggest Loser had to offer.

Bailey and I are going up to visit Liam and his family for his first birthday. It seems like it was just yesterday that I gave birth to him. Bailey and I watch his videos, that his parents post, religiously. It is so awesome to be able to watch him grow and see how happy they all are. Part of my reason for taking up crocheting again was because I wanted to make Liam a blanket, I just about finished it. I just need to add an edge to it. I've started another one for him that's more snuggley. I can't wait to see them and Bailey can't either. He's excited about flying up too. He keeps asking what he is allowed to do on the plane and what he can take with him. It's adorable. He also keeps checking on my progress with the blankets. He is so excited to see his brother again. Rodney decided he is going to stay home. He was going to go with us but decided he wasn't quite ready to do that just yet. He didn't want to ruin our trip. I'm sure he'll enjoy a little mini-vacation to himself too. I won't be here to nag him to death ;)

To eat or not to eat?

Or should I say, what to eat and what not to eat... it is most definitely the question. Common sense dictates that sugars and carbohydrates are not so good. All the food preservatives and packaged foods are also not so good. So no on bread or yes on bread? No on dairy or yes on dairy? Yes on sugar or no on sugar? I almost feel as though I should have to school to be a nutritionist.

I looked over The Mediterranean Diet and nixed it, I just know that bread is one of my biggest downfalls as well as cheese. I also glanced over the Paleo Diet, not too bad from what I can see but I am concerned about the no dairy. Osteoarthritis is fairly common in women and being as tall as I am with all the joint problems I have now I can't really afford to jack my bones up too.

I have been trying so hard to read over Eat to Live but man is it a tough read for me. The points bounce back and forth, I sometimes feel like the guy is trying to sell me something in that round about way were he swears he isn't trying to sell me anything. I haven't actually gotten to the point where he states exactly what his theory is, just spouting the same statistics that dietitians and nutritionist the world over use. Yes, we know America is obese and it is horrible that such a rich country wants to take the short cut with magic pills instead of doing whats right. I wouldn't be reading your book if I were one of those people so just get to the point already. I don't know his outcomes sound terrific and he is backed by Dr. Oz so I'd like to find out what his plan is but just getting through the repetitive mumbo jumbo that he uses to prove he has done his research and that he is a doctor is driving me insane.

I've also looked over The Primal Diet which in a lot of ways appears to be the same as the Paleo Diet. From what I understand dairy is allowed with the Primal Diet. I haven't finished reading either so I can't say for certain. I like the idea of creating a leaner, more fuel efficient me with a diet that gives me that fuel.

I was also told about the DASH Diet, I glanced over the website and I am impressed that it was named the #1 Diet. However, the cost of the book is just too much for someone like me who is unemployed. It's very frustrating that our society actually makes it hard for people to lose weight. Healthier food option are harder to find and more expensive. The things we are taught at school about nutrition are not entirely accurate and the foods we are served certainly don't fall under health guidlines. Potatoes are not a vegetable, someone needs to let the school systems know this. ><

It's all very confusing but I won't give up. I don't want to be "that fat chick" forever. I was skinny growing up and even if this wasn't a little bit about my self image, I just want to be healthy and live here on Earth with my son for as long as I can. I want to run and play outside with my children, I want to go up a flight of stairs without being winded, I want to slide on a pair of jeans without feeling completely uncomfortable and miserable. I don't want to be the sweatpants mom anymore. I want my joints to stop hurting and complaining of all the weight they have to carry around every day. I want my headaches to go away. I want to run marathons and do 5Ks with my family. So I will continue to work out, with the Wii Plus and soon I will start doing Slim in 6 too. I will take whatever advice or help I can get.

I ain't happy but I'm feeling glad

I have been in this horrible depressed mood for months now. Poor Rodney has had to deal with some serious grouchiness, God bless him. The depression itself doesn't have to do with anything in particular. Just a nasty side affect of being Bipolar.

I did quit smoking and drinking again. It's been 17 days since I've drank and 16 since I've smoked. I am still in the shitty part where I get really nauseous and get horrible headaches. Withdrawal is never fun. It doesn't help my disposition any at all either.

I had a really good birthday thanks to some very special people. I also had quite the revelation. I finally found out what it means to have a good friend. Someone who won't talk badly about you behind your back, someone who won't judge you and honestly cares about your well being. There should be more people in the world like my dear friend, Nikki. I should have known just how good she was when Rodney said he liked her. Rodney's a good judge of character (present company excluded, love is blind, don'tcha know?) and he said, "She always says hello and goodbye to me when she comes to visit. And you are never left in tears after seeing or talking with her." Hm. How very true. I did cry the day after my birthday because my feelings were hurt. A friend or maybe more of an acquaintance of mine from grade school came to my house for my birthday party. Rodney informed me that a mutual friend of ours who was also present at the party said this individual had been trash talking me all day. I was so hurt that I had let this person in my house and around my son. I couldn't understand why they couldn't just say what they felt they needed to while there in my home. It was also especially hurtful to me that our mutual friends would have brought her to my home knowing this. I have distanced myself a great deal from people to avoid this kind of hurt. It is sad to me that when I take the chance to put myself out there that I am proved right. I suppose I will just go back to limiting my exposure to just Nikki. She is a good friend, an honest friend.

Speaking of Nikki, she loaned me her Wii Fit Plus. I have worked out three days in a row on it and I feel great. I am feeling the burn. The Wii is keeping me motivated because it is so encouraging. I really just love it so much! I am eager to see the results of my hard work in a couple of months, hopefully at my wedding! *fingers crossed*

Financially this has been a rough couple of months. Being depressed hasn't helped in the least. I get very discouraged very easily. I applied for unemployment after I was laid off but didn't qualify. I did also apply for disability for my mental health. I'm sure some people will have their opinions on this but my Bipolar is a disability that has kept me from getting jobs and has lost me quite a few. In the last 7 years I have worked 16 different jobs. I was fired, let go or just quit many of them. I am hoping that not only will this disability check help me financially but will also help me to get a job (The American's with Disabilities Act) and help me to get medical insurance so that I can get the treatment I need. If not for my own sanity and happiness than for my son's and his father's. Please keep us in your prayers.

That leads me into my next topic. I really want to get back into church. Bailey does too. This has to become a top priority for me. When I am in church I am so much happier, I am able to function better and I am much more reasonable. Pray for me that I will find the home church I am looking for and soon. I miss being in God's home with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Thanks to my daddy who got me a Kindle, I am reading and doing a lot of puzzles (I was told by a previous therapist that the puzzles will help with my memory, I have trouble sometimes). I am loving it so much and I feel so blessed to have a daddy who loves me so much despite my many faults. I have also been playing Star Wars The Old Republic thanks to Jen. This has to be one of, if not my most, favorite game ever. I love it! Thank you again Jen, you are too good to me!

I started talking to my mother again. It certainly isn't the way it used to be but it hasn't been for a very long time. It may never be that again and maybe that is something I just need to come to terms with. I am afraid she and I are a lot alike in a lot of ways but we are also very, very different. I am thankful that she has been willing to talk with me. She certainly didn't have to. I don't know where the healing process begins but right now there isn't anything she could say or do that would expedite it. My therapist asked me once, "What if you could ask her why she did it and she told you why, would you believe her?" my answer was , 'No.' So the healing begins with me. I need to learn to let go, not just with her but with everyone. I hold on to every single slight anyone has ever dealt me so when they hurt me again I am not just angry because of that one thing. I am angry at every single thing they have ever done to me. That isn't fair to anyone.

Lastly I want to apologize to my little sister. I feel like an utter failure as an example to her. I still cut myself when I am manic. How can she possible take the advice of an alcoholic who cuts herself? How can I preach to her not to burn or cut herself when, I, myself are doing it? I should have been a better big sister to her. I know she isn't perfect but I am proud of how far she has come. I know it can be hard to remember but I was exactly like her at that age, well not nearly as smart. I surely wasn't getting any A's or B's on anything. I was an angry person, a young woman trapped between adulthood and childhood. I was bitter and saddened and just wanted to be happy. I know she will overcome all of this because she is so strong. Sometimes to a fault. I love her so much and I am so thankful to have her as my sister.

We meet again..

Square one we meet again. I started back drinking and smoking which was not only a huge disappointment to everyone I know but to myself as well. I have been in a terrible funk despite having a new job and doing well at it. I started back drinking and smoking and started slacking on my classes. I fight with this depressing feeling of, "what does it matter anyway?" which logically I know isn't true but I find myself thinking it anyway. I find myself thinking things like, "you aren't worth it anyway." and I hate that, I can't figure out why I hate myself so much. I've made my fair share of mistakes but nothing so bad as to hate myself so much. I find myself in this funk making self destructive choices and I feel so badly because so many people have been so supportive of me. I can't thank Rodney enough for sticking with me and standing beside me. I had a good cry about not going to get any wine and Rodney held me and comforted me. I don't know how he stands it. I'm not that good of a person to deal with someone elses sobriety problems. I get frustrated even though I physically understand where they are coming from. It amazes me that he is so understanding when he isn't an addict. So today I didn't drink and who knows what tomorrow will bring but I can't think that far ahead with my sobriety. I just have to make it through this hour of not drinking and then try for the next one and the one after that and so on. One step at a time even if they are baby steps. I can do it. I know I can and I want to if not for me than for all the people who have stood by me and for my boys, they deserve it.

In the name of Adoption...

‎"I am a birthmother and I personally am horrified that a television show that reaches so many viewers would send such a message. It is frightening to potential birthmother, adopting couples and even children who have been adopted. It is also completely false and to even pretend that such a thing could happen spits on what adoption is really all about, which is LOVE. I am completely offended."


Please sign this petition for me, for adopting parents, birthparents, and adopted children every where. Please spread the message.

Yeah, what he said...

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination .... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan, James M Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

Please note the sarcasm and stop picking things out of the bible that suite your purpose to bash other people. "Love thy neighbor" people. Do it.

Happy seven months, Liam!

No, I am not pregnant again. I know, thank God, right? In all seriousness, it has been seven months now since I was pregnant. The most amazing little baby boy is seven months old today. He is perfect in every way. Of course I am biased but it doesn't make it any less true.

I hear he is pulling up and even crawling. I actually saw this awesome video his parents posted of him crawling over to a chair and pulling up. He is just so amazing I can't even express it fully. I am so proud of his parents, they too are amazing. They recently shared a video of Liam eating some yummy food, like real honest to God beets! It was so cool to see his expression and how intently he ate the food.

I showed Bailey a picture of his brother and told him he was seven months old. He asked me when Liam would be one year so I told him. He said, "Wow, he is growing up to be a big boy so fast like me." That is so true, I blinked and now Liam is seven months and Bailey will soon be six years. Before I know it, Liam will be the one turning six. I know his parents are enjoying every single minute with him. It warms my heart to see the whole family, extended family as well, just so happy. I feel blessed to have even been a part of that process.

Happy seven months Liam, I am so proud of you and I love you very much!

Sunny side up!

I feel like since having been drug back into the drama with certain people recently I have felt depressed, all my posts and blogs reflect my frustration and anger. I walked away for those people and that situation so I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore. I am now walking away again and for good this time. In my world they don't exist.

So on a more positive note, my life is great. I am getting married to the man of my dreams next June. This man who has supported me and loved me, been honest and truthful with me from the day I met him seven years ago. It is so exciting to know this is going to happen for real. I cannot wait to Mrs. Carlock. I look forward to my daddy walking me down the aisle and giving me away.

School is going great, I am doing well in all my classes. One of my teachers actually split up a group that I was in because we answered our worksheet correctly and the fastest. She asked me and one other girl in our group to go help two other groups. It made me feel so good to be singled out in a good way. I love working hard on my papers and having them come back with a score of nine out of ten. I feel accomplished and I can't wait to get my first certificate this December. It is one step on the road of getting my doctorate. My only regret is I wish my Grandmother could see me now, she would be even more proud of who I am today. I know she is watching me from heaven though and helping to gently guide me in the right direction. I love you Grandmother and I miss you!

Although lately I have been feeling a little blue about missing Liam, I am also very happy. It makes me so happy to see his parents beaming with pride and joy in their pictures. I love reading them bragging on his accomplishments and his milestones. I love the three of them so much and although I do miss him I am so glad I gained the three of them in my life. I hope I can get a chance to visit with them soon.

My beautiful baby boy who is not a baby anymore read to me for the first time last week. He sat down with a level two book and read it to me with minimal assistance from me. I am so proud of him and it was the sweetest thing in the world to hear him reading aloud. He is doing so well in school, his teachers are constantly praising him. He is so smart and sweet and outgoing and athletic. God truly blessed me when he gave me Bailey. That boy makes my life worth living.

My amazing little sister is a photographer! I am so proud of her work, she is so very talented not just with her photography but in many aspects of her life. I miss her a lot though. I know we fought a lot but sisters who live together usually do. She is one of the best people to talk to though. I could cry on her shoulder and vent to her during my pregnancy with Liam and she was a great listener and very supportive of me. I miss being able to confide in her face to face. One day soon though that will be possible again and I cannot wait! I really hope she will be able to come to my wedding.

My soon to be mother-in-law said to me yesterday, "You have matured a lot. It's very obvious how much you have grown and are still growing. I am very proud of you." I nearly cried. It means so much to me that people can see the change in me. Certain people still bring out the old me but the people who have been supportive and loving and caring see the changes in me. Being sober for fourteen months has made me realize that I can do anything. Placing Liam in a loving home made me realize that I am a good person. Going back to school has made me realize that I really am smart. Working in my career field has proven to me that I am very good at what I do. They don't call me "The Baby Whisperer" for nothing.

Their are a lot of changes going on in my life and although some are stressful, mostly finances, things are on the up swing. I hope that the people who I have to leave will be understanding because I honestly do love them. Right now I have to provide for my family and so sacrifices must be made. I will keep moving ahead and keep my head up. Thank you all for being understanding and allowing me to vent my anger and frustrations to you. But from now on it's back to the positive and uplifting because only a few can make me that angry and those people are no longer allowed back in my life. I surround myself with good people only.

Dear Liam:

Dear Liam,

You are six months old. Wow, time went by really fast. I can't believe you have already left the country with your family on a vacation. You know, I still haven't. I actually flew for the first time last year when I was pregnant with you.

I see you are crawling and pulling up for the first time as of today. I have such mixed feelings about that. Of course beyond a doubt I am so proud of you. I am so envious of your parents for being able to share that with you. I am sad that I missed it, these little milestones of yours. I am also overjoyed that you are in such loving, capable hands who have helped you to meet these milestones at such a young age.

I cried when I saw your pictures of you on your cruise. I told you brother Bailey's dad, Rodney, "I must have did the right thing because I could never have given him that." and then I went to have a good cry. I can't figure out why all of a sudden this is becoming so much harder. Of course I don't regret my decision at all but all of a sudden I am going through stages of sadness, anger, depression and jealousy.

Some days I am so thankful for modern technology and the ability to look at pictures of you or to get updates of your progress. Then there are days where I wonder if maybe my life would be easier not seeing you. I know the later isn't true at all, my heart would shrivel up and die if I couldn't see your beautiful little face, to know you are happy and well taken care of.

I talk about my pregnancy with you to people constantly. As a mother I find myself talking with other mothers about both of my pregnancies, comparing mine to theirs and even comparing both of mine to each other. Sometimes, I just feel I have to validate your existence, that it wasn't all a dream and that I did carry and love you for nine months. Sometimes it just seems so surreal. I never thought it'd be me going through this.

Your brother really likes looking at pictures of you, he misses you too. Sometimes I feel like I'm stalking you and your parents. I don't want to "like" every picture of you on facebook for fear of scaring them off by coming on too strong. I don't want to push them away or lose you guys. I'm trying to come to terms with that feeling because of course I have never had to go through that before. Since you are no longer legally my son, it is always in the back of my mind that I could do something to lose the little bit of you that I have. I don't know how I could survive that.

I stopped pumping a while ago and I hate it. Although pumping took up a lot of my time and with me back in school it honestly just isn't realistic to think I could still do it, I miss it. There was just so much I couldn't do for you, I was able to find you loving parents and I was able to provide you food that I was able to produce from my own body.

I work in a daycare and right now we have a lot of infants in our care. It's hard not to make comparisons. It's hard not to hold them sometimes and wish it were you. I sometimes even wish I were holding you when I am home lying in my bed watching t.v. by myself. I wonder what if, what if I had parented you. What would it have been like? What would nursing you have felt like?

I hate that I denied myself the opportunity to love you, to really love you and enjoy every minute of you while I was pregnant with you. I tried to cut off my emotions for fear of being overwhelmed but now I wish I hadn't. I love you so much and I miss you. Your birthfather just had a little girl a few weeks ago. It upset me so much that this girl kept her child. I feel sorry for the little girl too. At least you will have a good life and opportunities, she won't.

Anyhow, I think that is it. I'm all mushy and sappy right now. I miss your beautiful little face, I miss feeling you kicking me, I miss your little hiccups and your temper tantrums when they wouldn't go away. I love you baby Lamb.

Love,
Birthmommy.

Yeah about that...

Yesterday, was just a terrible no good very bad day. It started off with Rodney and I having a fight that caused me to ball my eyes out at work. That left me with a massive headache that worked it's way from the base of my neck to behind my eyes. I spent a good deal of time in my bosses garage trying to "talk things over" with Rodney. He called me back later to apologize to me but I was simply exhausted from the worrying, the arguing and the crying. We talked a little more about it but to be honest I just wasn't up for discussing it any more.

We got home, I made Mexican pizzas for dinner and helped Bailey with his homework. I spent some time with Rodney, yes in that way. Since that was what our big fight was all about. I figured after that we'd snuggle or watch a movie. Nope and honestly I needed to do my homework anyway.

Rodney played WoW and I ended up at my computer. I saw that Liam's dad had posted a picture of a slice of cake with 0.5 written on it and Happy Half Birthday written as the caption. Oh my God, how had I forgotten? I couldn't believe that it was his half birthday and I had forgotten. I started crying. Why is six months so much harder than six weeks? Was it just an emotional day for me? Rodney asked me if I was ok and I said, "I'm just sad. I guess I shouldn't be, I never could have given Liam a cruise to Italy." I looked around at our little apartment with it's furniture that is very mismatched. "Yeah, I couldn't have given him very much so it worked out for the best. He is loved and his is happy and he is already experiencing the world." Rodney tried to lighten the mood by saying, "I'm trying to figure out how I can get adopted I want to take a vacation please." I just wasn't in the mood. I went to bed listening to classical music.

We have a new little boy who just started yesterday. He reminds me a lot of Bailey as a baby. He has the somewhat curly, soft, black hair. He is just so fat like Bailey was with that caramel colored skin. I hold him to my face and he smells just like Bailey did as a baby. There is nothing more intoxicating than the smell of a baby. He smiles at me so hard his eyes disappear. I honestly want to just hold his little fat self all day long. I try not to though because it gets me to thinking of how much I want another baby, a baby of my own to have and to hold.

School is going well although I am still getting the hang of it. It's hard for me to "take notes" because I never really learned how to. I am teaching myself shorthand. I am also teaching myself APA format which is what all my papers have to be written in. Reading my COMP book has to be just about as boring as reading The Great Expectations, which I never finished because I, who love books, hated that boring ass book. I find myself rereading the same thing over and over. So today I started writing the definitions, that seems to help. My ECCE classes are much more interesting.

I'm still dealing with all my health aliments. I really have to find the time to go file for medicaid/disability medicaid. I work during the hours they are open though so that probably won't happen any time soon. It really sucks that my health has to take a back seat for now but hopefully once I finish school and become a teacher I will be able to afford health care for my family. Bailey is on medicaid but Rodney and I are up a creek without a paddle.

I think that is about as much complaining as I can do right now. In all honesty I am blessed to be back in school, to have Rodney and Bailey and all my friends and family. The other things will eventually fall into place, I just have to work hard and be patient.

I'm just saying...

A lot has been weighing on my mind recently. A very dear friend of mine is placing her baby for adoption with some family of hers. I have good feelings about open adoption but if I could I would spare every woman from the pain of placing a child. Certainly there are a lot of positives to placing. My son is happy and healthy with good people for parents. He will have better opportunities that his birth father and myself could not have provided him. I was able to get a job, go back to school and fix my relationship with Bailey and his father.

 I have never miscarried a child but I cannot begin to imagine nor do I want to compare what I went through to that. However, the loss and grief I felt was comparable to losing a loved one to death. Maybe more. I lost my Grandmother last year to ALS (Lou Gerhigs Disease) and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Placing Liam was by far worse. I have really good days when I look at pictures of him and it makes me smile from ear to ear and then other days when I have a phantom "kick" that makes me burst into tears.

My dear friend said to me, 'I don't know how you did it.' I didn't know what to say. I cut myself off emotionally from my child, I denied myself access to him at the hospital, I refused to see him without his parents present. Oh certainly I would day dream ridiculous things that would some how "allow" me to keep my son, even going so far as to imagining his birth father being locked up for the next 20 years. I always knew none of them were feasible. They were simply a coping mechanism.

I know now that had I parented Liam, Rodney and I wouldn't have survived as a couple. And although it was never a matter of Liam vs. Rodney, I wondered for a while if we could have done it. But there are some days when I am simply paralyzed with grief over Liam and Rodney can't always handle it. It hurts him and it hurts me. He envisioned us as a family, Bailey, Heather and Rodney. When Bailey and I did a photo shoot with Liam and his parents at the IAC (Independent Adoption Center) annual picnic in Atlanta, I told Rodney we would be taking pictures. When he saw me previewing them he got upset, he said, "I didn't know they were going to be family pictures." I understand why he is upset and I allow him that. I can only hope that he can understand that is no possible way that I can ever not love my children.

I was planning on taking a trip up to see Liam but with our current financial situation and the tension between Rodney and I over Liam, I think it may be best to wait. Although, I so desperately want to hold that little boy in my arms and kiss his little face. I sometimes find myself envious of people with babies, the way the hold them or if the breastfeed them. I didn't breastfeed Bailey and although I did pump for Liam a big part of me wants to know the feeling of holding my child so close to my chest and feeding them from my body. I want to build that bond with my baby. Just writing this now has my throat burning and my eyes full of tears.

As a teen I didn't want to be a mother and even though I love Bailey very much it took me a long time to realize that I was a mother and that I came second to him. Now, I am so proud to be a mother, to be a birth mother. All I want in this world is to be a mother, to be a good mother. I want to hold my children and kiss away their pains. Oh how I miss my son. I miss him when I wake in the morning and when I put Bailey to bed at night. My body has carried to beautiful healthy children to term. I struggled through two labors with my boys face down. Yet, each night I bathe one child, I dress one child, I kiss one child goodnight and I tuck one child into bed. I know I should feel blessed to have my one child and I do, oh I do! I love Bailey so much I never thought it was possible. But some days, some days I am so angry. So bitter. Why did this happen to me? Why oh why Lord?! I can't say I didn't deserve it because I was a wretched person. I can't say that it wasn't meant to happen, I needed it to help me turn my life around. I have been sober for 13 months now thanks to Liam.

My little sister whom I love so very much is so much like me it's scary. She reminds me a lot of me at 17 which if you knew me at all back then is not a good thing. I try to tell her, try to explain to her that she doesn't want this. She doesn't want the pain I have suffered. She doesn't want it. But until you have a had a child you cannot fathom what the loss of a child could possibly be like. I pray for her daily, please God help her find her way back. Don't let her have to go through what I have had to go through. Help her to see that Kim and Roy are no good. Just one more year, let her survive living with the devil in that house for just one more year. And baby sister, if you are reading this know that I love you with all my heart and there is nothing you can ever do or say to make me stop loving you. I wish you could call me so you could her the sounds of my sobs as I cry out, "I want my baby, I want my baby!" I wish you could see the pain on my face as the tears steadily run a hot trail down my face.

My little brother doesn't talk to me anymore. That breaks my heart because he was my best friend. I guess my disowning Kim made him dislike me. I hope that one day he can forgive me and understand why, although I miss him and love him, I cannot let her back into my life. I have to protect my son from her. I have to protect myself from her and if I could I'd protect our sister from her. And little brother if you are reading this know that I love you and nothing you say or do will ever make me stop loving you. I have missed you so bad that is hurts. I used to be able to talk to you about everything. When I was pregnant with Liam some times I felt so alone, so many people had a vested interest in my placing Liam. You would have just listened though. I really needed that then. I hope that one day soon you will reach out to me. Bailey misses you.

I laid in my bed and sobbed so hard I couldn't make a sound. I wanted my daddy so bad and I wanted my mommy so bad, not Kim obviously. At 24 years old I just wanted to lay my head down in my mommy's lap and feel her soft, small, cool hand on my brow. I wanted to climb into my daddy's lap and have him wrap me up into a bear hug like the papa bear that he is. I miss being a little girl, I miss my daddy hugging away all the hurts and his ability to make everything better by simply kissing the top of my head and saying, "It's all going to be ok." I am expected to be an adult now. I have to be a big girl and I don't want to be. But I have my own son who needs to climb up in my lap so that I can wrap him up in a big bear hug, kiss the top of his head and say, "It's all going to be ok."

School starts next week so I will probably write less. I need to get my game face on I don't have time to mope or fret. I am excited to be starting this new chapter in my life. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my sons. I love them both very, very much. I hope they always know that.

Another Manic Day

I just stood in my kitchen rinsing off dishes and asking myself why they weren't in the dishwasher. Meanwhile the dishwasher is audibly running directly next to me. I hear this, I acknowledge this and then I proceed to try to open it to load the new dirty dishes into it. Damn it.

On the other side of the kitchen the stove is on 350 degrees, it has been on like this for over an hour because I started cooking dinner at 6:30. Dinner has been done since 7. I left the oven on again. I do this sometimes and thank God most of the time Rodney notices.

Bailey sits at the bar on the stool. I have chopsticks sitting on a dish across one another. Bailey has a habit of picking them up or messing with them. He bumped into one and it rolled off onto the counter. I had to struggle not to scream at him. He and Rodney play with these things that are set up just the way I want them and it gives me a headache to think about it. I placed it up there and asked Bailey to please not mess with them for what feels like the umpteenth time. I guess I made a weird gesture because he just looked at me and backed out of the room.

After discussing a financial transaction with my boss I tried to explain to Rodney what it was she was trying to do. I tried to work out whether or not it would be benificial for us at this time. I know I knew at one point what my standing was on it but for the life of me I could not put it into words. It was like trying to get a hold of a stream of water, it kept slipping away. Rodney could see how frustrated I was getting and said he would handle it. This is why Rodney handles our finances, I am easily confused when it comes to money or numbers of any kind really.

I feel on edge, not mad or upset just like my skin is crawling. I want to just go to work, go to school, be with my boys as much as possible and plan my wedding. Right now I don't want to worry about anything else. I hate how selfish that sounds because of course I am empathetic to my family and friends. I just can't divide my focus any more than I already have.

My boss asked me how Liam was doing and it felt like a great effort to bring him to mind. Not that I have forgotten him but right now my attention span is short, my thoughts are jumbled and hard to hold onto. It is taking me so long just to get all of this together. I felt myself getting aggravated not because she asked but just frustration at not being able to hold the thought, to put it together. It's like having a puzzle and knowing that once put together it should be a flower, but what kind? How big? What color? Where to begin? Edge pieces first?

Rodney emailed me something to look over and edit. I read it three times and had no idea what I had read. This is uncommon for me. My reading comprehension has always been above average. I scored college level when I was in the 6th grade. I had to ask him a couple of times what it was he wanted. I finally got it done but it still felt incomplete.

I am writing this to kind of keep notes of days that are different, off, manic, depressive, etc. I want to be able to print them and take them with me to my psychiatrist whenever I manage to get medicaid. I keep forgetting to go to the DFACS office. I need to talk to my school adviser about my future goals, I need to fax my petition for graduation and I still need to check with financial aid to see that all my paperwork is complete.

Hopefully this will have gone away by tomorrow, Bailey's orientation for school is tomorrow. I'd like to have my thoughts together especially for that. I apologize if I managed to offend anyone today or if I manage to offend anyone tomorrow.

So blessed!

So much is going on right now but all of it for the better. I cannot believe I am finally going back to school! I am excited to be getting a good education that will help to support me in my goal of better supporting my family. I enjoy buying nice things for my family, providing healthy, delicious, home cooked meals for my boys and helping to put a roof over our heads. A better education means a better position in my career field. I am excited about the future, about what new possibilities having a degree can do for me. I am also very excited to just learn, to become even more knowledgeable about children and education. I was so proud after I got my compass placement test scores back, it was the same feeling I had when I got my G.E.D. transcripts. I did it!

After everything that happened last year I could only hope that Rodney would forgive me. That we could get back to a place of mutual love and respect. I could only dream of planning our wedding together so soon. I sincerely can say that I have never loved Rodney more and couldn't imagine it being possible for me to love him even more but it seems like everyday we grow closer. Rodney's Grandma said to me the other day, "I think you guys are ready, it's time. You both have matured a lot. You had a lot of growing up to do and you did it." That was the best compliment I could have received. I became a mother at 18 and felt entitled. I felt I deserved respect for being an adult and for being a mother. I also was certain that I knew everything. I have come to realize I know very little indeed. But with that I am ready to learn. I am so excited to be getting married to Rodney. I cannot wait to say my vows and to MEAN them. He truly is the light of my life, my knight in shinning armor. I mean to live every day of my life trying to be the woman he deserves to have. I am so looking forward to spending the rest of my life by his side as Mrs. Rodney E Carlock Jr.

Although little things happen each week that aren't always happy or upbeat, I have so much more to live for than I ever had realized before. So all those minor things are exactly that, minor. I won't let one thing or one person steal my happiness, I deserve that much and I intend to have it. God has continually blessed me and I am ever grateful for His love.

A new look for the new me!

Rodney recently told me his mom and his grandma commented on how different I was. In a good way. I believe he said they thought I was more sure of myself, more at home with who I am. I love it. It's so true. I used to throw myself into people faces hoping they'd believe the farce that I was ok with who I was. Maybe if I was loud enough, tough enough, brazen enough, they'd believe that I liked myself. I'm guessing people probably didn't fall for that.

Change can be hard to get started but once you get that ball rolling it's actually not that bad. Once I had made the decision to quit smoking, no seriously to quit no wishy-washy, it wasn't too bad. Besides the normal nicotine cravings which only last a few weeks, it became more of an oral fixation. Morning sickness cured me of wanting to put anything near my mouth, usually food is what I use in place of smoking. Before I knew it, months flew by and I was thinking about a million and one things, smoking the last of them. The same with drinking. Although I wasn't planning on parenting Liam and even thought of having an abortion it never crossed my mind to drink while I was pregnant.

Placing Liam was the last step in helping me to be "at home" with myself. I did a good thing. This was a new concept to me. I have been a selfish person for as long as I can remember. Even when going out of my way to help others it was for the satisfaction it gave me knowing they needed me. I wanted a baby so bad for so long. The completely selfish part of me wanted to parent Liam. To keep as mine and mine alone. I would cry sometimes at night and say to myself, well at least my sons will have to love me. But as their mother I had to love them too. My love for both Bailey and Liam made me make the right decision for us. I know it is hard for Bailey to understand he still asks about Liam, misses him, misses the idea of having a little baby brother. I don't have all the answers for him or for myself. All I can do is show him pictures of Liam with his parents, it reassures me that I made the right decision and maybe it'll help Bailey to see too.

Having become a better person by making a good decision on my own, I have fallen into a pattern of making good decisions. I have gotten and kept a wonderful job, very thankful to my VERY understanding employer. I take good care of my two boys. I am going back to school. Life is finally headed in the right direction for me. The goals I have set for myself are good, wholesome, obtainable goals. At 24 years old I have finally arrived at adulthood. Being at peace with who I am, knowing where I want to go and who I want to be. I have the most amazing family and even if my family isn't a mom and a dad, 2.5 kids, a dog and a white picket fence, it is my dream come true. Placing Liam gave me William and Julie who have helped to make me who I am today, for the better. It feels so good to know, to have some of the answers.

Although as I get older I have realized that as a child I knew very little, as a teenager I knew just about everything, as a young adult I knew it all and now I realize I know nothing at all. In the grand scheme of things I have so much more to learn and that is much more comforting to know. "Knowing it all" is a terrible burden and takes all the joy and wonder out of living. If you spend time around children a lot you come to really truly see how beautiful and wonderful the world is. A dew drop holds endless possibilities and an old shoe box is the gate-way to a whole new world.

I have changed so much and thought it was time to change my blog to include both my sons. They have equal standing in my heart and so should also on my blog! I hope you like the new look and thank you so much for your support, prayers, good vibes and all around friendship!

I've lost my marbles....

*The statements made here are just friendly advice, things I have picked up and should not be used as a diagnoses or in place of your doctors orders.

Alright so here's what I have to say. To all my people who have a mental illness, addiction, disorder and/or disability:

After you have been diagnosed, own it. It's yours more than likely for life. However, you are not your diagnosis, you are still you. But just like you may have brown hair and blue eyes you also have _____. The sooner you own it the better. I spent a lot of wasted time trying to convince myself I wasn't an addict with cigarettes, that I wasn't an alcoholic and that my bipolar really wasn't *that* bad.

Next spend a little time wallowing in self pity. Woe is me, my life sucks I have ____ and it isn't fair. You are so right, it isn't fair, life can suck. Don't wallow too long. I will tell you why next. It is good to do this part though, I think, because it is a valid feeling. Let's call it "the mourning process". Mourn the loss of "normalcy" whatever that may be.

Ok now get over it. Be done with the mourning. It sucks but you are still you and you are still in control. Don't let this dominate you. We are somewhat back to "own it". The difference being here is that this is where you come to terms with, this is for life. There is no magic solution, drink, pill, or procedure that will cure you of this. I will have alcoholism from now until the day I die, hopefully well into my 90's. I will wake up every day wanting a drink, I will fight it during the day when I see a billboard, a commercial, going to a social outing with people who drink and I will lay my head down at night wanting that one last drink. Don't lie to yourself and say, "It'll get easier." or "This can't last forever." That sets you up for failure. It doesn't get easier BUT it doesn't get any harder either. You can learn to live like this and live a happy, fulfilled life. It's not the end of the world.

Now that you own it, it doesn't own you, you have said good bye to your old life and old ways, you know this is an on going battle, here comes the hard part. Seriosuly. ASK FOR HELP! This is in all CAPS because the wonderful men in my life have a very hard time with this. I understand. We as a society have "told" men to ; suck it up, never let them see you cry, show no emotion, etc. Men are supposed to be stoic, work hard and provide for their families without complaint or ever breaking down. Yeah right. You are human beings and in case you haven't noticed women are taking over the work force and men are becoming stay at home dads, the domestic type. Ask for help. If you are having an episode or feel you need to drink pick up the nearest phone and dial 9-1-1. Alright get that look off your face. 9-1-1 is for emergencies only! Yep, and an alcoholic about to drink is a life or death situation. Call for help. Do it. A manic attack is a life or death situation, pick up the phone and call for help. I cannot tell you how many times while having a bad manic attack I have called 9-1-1. They ask, "Are you going to hurt yourself or anyone else?" and if you feel that you will tell them, "Yes!" don't hesitate, don't second guess it, be honest. If the answer is no, then tell them that but explain what the problem is. They will transfer you to a crisis hotline and you will instantly be in touch with someone trained to help you. If someone is near you that you feel comfortable with ask them for help. I have looked at Rodney many a time and said, "I really want a drink right now." That puts Rodney on the alert, it doesn't mean I need to talk or anything but now he knows I shouldn't go out alone, not even the store. Put your pride aside and ask for help.

Be honest. Be honest with yourself and with everyone else. This does not mean that you need to run the streets screaming I'm ____ but if you have been sober for a week and are proud, freaking shout it out to anyone who will listen. When speaking with your doctors, therapists, significant others be honest. Stop and think about exactly how you feel. Don't try to hold back how you feel out of embarrassment, fear that they won't understand, or frustration. Keep asking question until you understand but also LISTEN to the answer even if it is one you don't want to hear. Therapy can be painful because you will face your inner demons but afterward you will feel better.

Lastly, follow your treatment plan. If you are prescribed medication, take it. If you are taking it don't just stop taking it. EVER. That is very, very bad and can set you back a long way. I know sometimes it feels like life is good, you don't need them anymore, you have less stress in your life. You do need them and if you just stop taking them you more than likely will plummet into a deep, dark hole of depression. No good. If you want to stop taking you meds talk to your doctor before doing anything. They can ween you off, you can discuss it further, make other treatment plans, etc. Your doctors are professionals so try not to second guess their every decision. I'm not saying go into it blindly, research your doctor. However as with bipolar it is hard to make rational decisions, best left to the pros. I am personally going to attempt med free but this is with the help and support of my family, friends and doctors. No one specific treatment is right for everybody. If you doubt or don't trust your doctor, get a second opinion. Still do not quit taking your meds or go off your treatment plan while getting a second opinion.

I hope that advice helps someone. It's things I have picked up in my own battles with addiction to cigarettes, alcoholism and bipolar disorder. I battle with these thing daily and yet I am still so blessed. When I am down I just have to remind myself that there is an end to this, this too shall pass.

"O-o-oh child things are gonna get easier."

Dearest Liam,

As the months seem to whiz by at the speed of light things have gotten easier. I don't constantly feel as if a weight is laying on my chest. It is easier to breathe. However with this new found "freedom" comes guilt. How can I be so ok with this? How can it not hurt as much as it used to when I think of you? Why is my missing you not as painful? I certainly wish I had the answer.

You are growing so fast and are such a handsome boy.Sometimes while I am at work with my daycare kids I wonder, is Liam doing this yet? I wonder if he has started this yet? I bet Liam would really like that too. Sometimes it seems strange to talk about my boys. I can relate to people with children up to the age of five as far as Bailey goes. However when I talk about you I can only relate my pregnancy and your birth. Not that those things weren't equally as beautiful because they unequivocally are. The pain and the heartache and yes even the labor were so worth it.

I know that one day I will have at least one more child and I do worry how I will explain to you why I parented Bailey and that child but wasn't able to parent you. So many racial, social and economical faux pas. I worry that you will not truly know or believe just how much I love you. Adults, especially parents, understand the sacrifice I made and that I did so out of love but I worry. I worry that you will think I took the easy way out, I worry that you will think I was able to place you because I love you less. Oh, of course here come the water works. Whenever I try to convey my love to you my dearest boy I begin to cry. To think it could ever be possible for you to not know my love hurts me. More for selfish reasons I suppose because you are so loved by your parents and their family.

Your brother misses you and asks for you. When I was pregnant with you he begged me endlessly to parent you. I know he can't fully comprehend why things have happened the way they happened but I do know he loves you so very, very much. He talk about his brother Liam all the time. He loves looking at pictures of you. I cried looking at his artwork from school because he drew me pregnant in so many pictures and inside the picture of my belly he drew a little baby you.

So each day passes with it's trials and tribulations and it does get easier. But know this, no matter how much "easier" it gets deciding to place you was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And no matter what happens I will always love you and am so very proud to be your birthmother.

Love Always and Forever,
Birthmommy Heather

Hard Decisions

Today, was by far the hardest day of my life. Yes, that includes placing Liam for adoption. Placing Liam was only hard in the sense that I couldn't be selfish and keep him all to myself. I knew placing him with Julie and William that he was going to be just fine. And he is a happy, healthy baby loved by the best parents a kid could ask for. But today, oh Lord, today.

After recently having a discussion with a dear friend of mine about making the decision to circumcise baby boys I really thought making this decision for Bailey would be simple. I decided Bailey would be circumcised and he was. But this was so much different. Bailey is only 5 years old but he is a very bright little boy. I talk to him like he is an intelligent human being. Most people are surprised at how much I am willing to explain to Bailey.  We chose to not use pet names for private parts, teaching him the correct words. If he asks me why something is this way or why something does this, I tell him the truth. I don't sensor most of the stuff he listens to or watches because I'd rather him listen to it here at home where he can be taught what it means and if it is appropriate for him to say.

Anyhow, so when it came to this surgery, although the ultimate decision was up to Rodney and I, I did ask Bailey his opinion on it. I explained to him what the surgery was, what the surgeon would do and what the risks would be. He comprehended about as much as you would expect a five year old to. He asked a few questions and then said, "I want to be able to breathe." So we decided it was for the best.

Bailey was so well behaved today. The staff at Barrett Surgery Center at Cobb Hospital were absolutely wonderful. They gave him his mask and a "balloon" (the one they use for anesthesia) to practice with. The nurse asked him what scent he'd like out of a bag of flavored Chap-sticks and he chose strawberry. She rubbed the Chap-stick on the inside of the mask so it would smell good and he practiced blowing up the balloon. He showed them his muscles as they took his blood pressure. Then they got him to "steer" the bed back to the surgery room. They put him to sleep before putting his IV in so he wouldn't be in any pain.

As they wheeled him around the corner it took everything in me not to burst into tears. I didn't want to be rooms away from him with locked doors between us. I didn't like the feeling that gave me. The nurses were so good and kept us updated, telling us what to expect next and when. I still managed to work up a headache worrying about him. Finally after what seemed like forever to me the surgeon came out and took us to a private room to tell us that the surgery went just fine. They removed his adenoids which were apparently huge and did a procedure on his nasal cavity to enlarge it giving him more room to breathe and less problems with allergies.

Another 20 minutes creeps by and they finally say one parent could go back to be with him. Rodney graciously allowed his over worried mommy to go be with him. They warned me that he had woken up in a panic so they gave him something to settle him until I could be with him. I was led back to a tiny room where my precious angel lay sleeping like I had never sleep before. His eyes were slick and his moth was agape. It was terribly emotional. I sat on the edge of the chair next to his bed and began rubbing his arm and back. He woke up panicked again until he became coherent enough to realize I was there. I assured him I wasn't going anywhere and he could sleep if he wanted to. He drifted back off into a more peaceful sleep. I finally allowed myself to cry then holding my baby's little hand.

It's hard to believe he is five when my heart still tells me he is my little baby boy. I don't know that my heart will ever register his actual age and that's just fine. I was so relieved to have him back with me holding him and comforting him. He woke again worried because he couldn't breathe through his nose and his throat hurt. I gave him so pain medicine and his apple juice. He started to calm down and look around at everything. He was greatly concerned with his IV and wanted it taken out. I told him I understood that and explained what the IV was and why he needed it. That seemed to help settle that issue with him although it still was sore to him. We finally were moved into his discharge room where his daddy and grandma met us. Bailey was finally back to his old self.

We have been home since about 10:30 this morning and he is definitely back to being his normal self. I can't imagine how much fun it will be for Rodney to try to keep him in bed tomorrow. I know tomorrow will be difficult for me returning to work while Bailey is still recovering but at least he will be home with his daddy. I love that son of mine more than I ever thought possible. I honestly never thought my heart could hold that much love. Today, allowing them to wheel my baby away from me to perform surgery on him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am so very proud of my big boy and just feel so blessed to have him in my life. He makes me a better person everyday.