So much is going on right now but all of it for the better. I cannot believe I am finally going back to school! I am excited to be getting a good education that will help to support me in my goal of better supporting my family. I enjoy buying nice things for my family, providing healthy, delicious, home cooked meals for my boys and helping to put a roof over our heads. A better education means a better position in my career field. I am excited about the future, about what new possibilities having a degree can do for me. I am also very excited to just learn, to become even more knowledgeable about children and education. I was so proud after I got my compass placement test scores back, it was the same feeling I had when I got my G.E.D. transcripts. I did it!
After everything that happened last year I could only hope that Rodney would forgive me. That we could get back to a place of mutual love and respect. I could only dream of planning our wedding together so soon. I sincerely can say that I have never loved Rodney more and couldn't imagine it being possible for me to love him even more but it seems like everyday we grow closer. Rodney's Grandma said to me the other day, "I think you guys are ready, it's time. You both have matured a lot. You had a lot of growing up to do and you did it." That was the best compliment I could have received. I became a mother at 18 and felt entitled. I felt I deserved respect for being an adult and for being a mother. I also was certain that I knew everything. I have come to realize I know very little indeed. But with that I am ready to learn. I am so excited to be getting married to Rodney. I cannot wait to say my vows and to MEAN them. He truly is the light of my life, my knight in shinning armor. I mean to live every day of my life trying to be the woman he deserves to have. I am so looking forward to spending the rest of my life by his side as Mrs. Rodney E Carlock Jr.
Although little things happen each week that aren't always happy or upbeat, I have so much more to live for than I ever had realized before. So all those minor things are exactly that, minor. I won't let one thing or one person steal my happiness, I deserve that much and I intend to have it. God has continually blessed me and I am ever grateful for His love.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
A new look for the new me!
Rodney recently told me his mom and his grandma commented on how different I was. In a good way. I believe he said they thought I was more sure of myself, more at home with who I am. I love it. It's so true. I used to throw myself into people faces hoping they'd believe the farce that I was ok with who I was. Maybe if I was loud enough, tough enough, brazen enough, they'd believe that I liked myself. I'm guessing people probably didn't fall for that.
Change can be hard to get started but once you get that ball rolling it's actually not that bad. Once I had made the decision to quit smoking, no seriously to quit no wishy-washy, it wasn't too bad. Besides the normal nicotine cravings which only last a few weeks, it became more of an oral fixation. Morning sickness cured me of wanting to put anything near my mouth, usually food is what I use in place of smoking. Before I knew it, months flew by and I was thinking about a million and one things, smoking the last of them. The same with drinking. Although I wasn't planning on parenting Liam and even thought of having an abortion it never crossed my mind to drink while I was pregnant.
Placing Liam was the last step in helping me to be "at home" with myself. I did a good thing. This was a new concept to me. I have been a selfish person for as long as I can remember. Even when going out of my way to help others it was for the satisfaction it gave me knowing they needed me. I wanted a baby so bad for so long. The completely selfish part of me wanted to parent Liam. To keep as mine and mine alone. I would cry sometimes at night and say to myself, well at least my sons will have to love me. But as their mother I had to love them too. My love for both Bailey and Liam made me make the right decision for us. I know it is hard for Bailey to understand he still asks about Liam, misses him, misses the idea of having a little baby brother. I don't have all the answers for him or for myself. All I can do is show him pictures of Liam with his parents, it reassures me that I made the right decision and maybe it'll help Bailey to see too.
Having become a better person by making a good decision on my own, I have fallen into a pattern of making good decisions. I have gotten and kept a wonderful job, very thankful to my VERY understanding employer. I take good care of my two boys. I am going back to school. Life is finally headed in the right direction for me. The goals I have set for myself are good, wholesome, obtainable goals. At 24 years old I have finally arrived at adulthood. Being at peace with who I am, knowing where I want to go and who I want to be. I have the most amazing family and even if my family isn't a mom and a dad, 2.5 kids, a dog and a white picket fence, it is my dream come true. Placing Liam gave me William and Julie who have helped to make me who I am today, for the better. It feels so good to know, to have some of the answers.
Although as I get older I have realized that as a child I knew very little, as a teenager I knew just about everything, as a young adult I knew it all and now I realize I know nothing at all. In the grand scheme of things I have so much more to learn and that is much more comforting to know. "Knowing it all" is a terrible burden and takes all the joy and wonder out of living. If you spend time around children a lot you come to really truly see how beautiful and wonderful the world is. A dew drop holds endless possibilities and an old shoe box is the gate-way to a whole new world.
I have changed so much and thought it was time to change my blog to include both my sons. They have equal standing in my heart and so should also on my blog! I hope you like the new look and thank you so much for your support, prayers, good vibes and all around friendship!
Change can be hard to get started but once you get that ball rolling it's actually not that bad. Once I had made the decision to quit smoking, no seriously to quit no wishy-washy, it wasn't too bad. Besides the normal nicotine cravings which only last a few weeks, it became more of an oral fixation. Morning sickness cured me of wanting to put anything near my mouth, usually food is what I use in place of smoking. Before I knew it, months flew by and I was thinking about a million and one things, smoking the last of them. The same with drinking. Although I wasn't planning on parenting Liam and even thought of having an abortion it never crossed my mind to drink while I was pregnant.
Placing Liam was the last step in helping me to be "at home" with myself. I did a good thing. This was a new concept to me. I have been a selfish person for as long as I can remember. Even when going out of my way to help others it was for the satisfaction it gave me knowing they needed me. I wanted a baby so bad for so long. The completely selfish part of me wanted to parent Liam. To keep as mine and mine alone. I would cry sometimes at night and say to myself, well at least my sons will have to love me. But as their mother I had to love them too. My love for both Bailey and Liam made me make the right decision for us. I know it is hard for Bailey to understand he still asks about Liam, misses him, misses the idea of having a little baby brother. I don't have all the answers for him or for myself. All I can do is show him pictures of Liam with his parents, it reassures me that I made the right decision and maybe it'll help Bailey to see too.
Having become a better person by making a good decision on my own, I have fallen into a pattern of making good decisions. I have gotten and kept a wonderful job, very thankful to my VERY understanding employer. I take good care of my two boys. I am going back to school. Life is finally headed in the right direction for me. The goals I have set for myself are good, wholesome, obtainable goals. At 24 years old I have finally arrived at adulthood. Being at peace with who I am, knowing where I want to go and who I want to be. I have the most amazing family and even if my family isn't a mom and a dad, 2.5 kids, a dog and a white picket fence, it is my dream come true. Placing Liam gave me William and Julie who have helped to make me who I am today, for the better. It feels so good to know, to have some of the answers.
Although as I get older I have realized that as a child I knew very little, as a teenager I knew just about everything, as a young adult I knew it all and now I realize I know nothing at all. In the grand scheme of things I have so much more to learn and that is much more comforting to know. "Knowing it all" is a terrible burden and takes all the joy and wonder out of living. If you spend time around children a lot you come to really truly see how beautiful and wonderful the world is. A dew drop holds endless possibilities and an old shoe box is the gate-way to a whole new world.
I have changed so much and thought it was time to change my blog to include both my sons. They have equal standing in my heart and so should also on my blog! I hope you like the new look and thank you so much for your support, prayers, good vibes and all around friendship!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I've lost my marbles....
*The statements made here are just friendly advice, things I have picked up and should not be used as a diagnoses or in place of your doctors orders.
Alright so here's what I have to say. To all my people who have a mental illness, addiction, disorder and/or disability:
After you have been diagnosed, own it. It's yours more than likely for life. However, you are not your diagnosis, you are still you. But just like you may have brown hair and blue eyes you also have _____. The sooner you own it the better. I spent a lot of wasted time trying to convince myself I wasn't an addict with cigarettes, that I wasn't an alcoholic and that my bipolar really wasn't *that* bad.
Next spend a little time wallowing in self pity. Woe is me, my life sucks I have ____ and it isn't fair. You are so right, it isn't fair, life can suck. Don't wallow too long. I will tell you why next. It is good to do this part though, I think, because it is a valid feeling. Let's call it "the mourning process". Mourn the loss of "normalcy" whatever that may be.
Ok now get over it. Be done with the mourning. It sucks but you are still you and you are still in control. Don't let this dominate you. We are somewhat back to "own it". The difference being here is that this is where you come to terms with, this is for life. There is no magic solution, drink, pill, or procedure that will cure you of this. I will have alcoholism from now until the day I die, hopefully well into my 90's. I will wake up every day wanting a drink, I will fight it during the day when I see a billboard, a commercial, going to a social outing with people who drink and I will lay my head down at night wanting that one last drink. Don't lie to yourself and say, "It'll get easier." or "This can't last forever." That sets you up for failure. It doesn't get easier BUT it doesn't get any harder either. You can learn to live like this and live a happy, fulfilled life. It's not the end of the world.
Now that you own it, it doesn't own you, you have said good bye to your old life and old ways, you know this is an on going battle, here comes the hard part. Seriosuly. ASK FOR HELP! This is in all CAPS because the wonderful men in my life have a very hard time with this. I understand. We as a society have "told" men to ; suck it up, never let them see you cry, show no emotion, etc. Men are supposed to be stoic, work hard and provide for their families without complaint or ever breaking down. Yeah right. You are human beings and in case you haven't noticed women are taking over the work force and men are becoming stay at home dads, the domestic type. Ask for help. If you are having an episode or feel you need to drink pick up the nearest phone and dial 9-1-1. Alright get that look off your face. 9-1-1 is for emergencies only! Yep, and an alcoholic about to drink is a life or death situation. Call for help. Do it. A manic attack is a life or death situation, pick up the phone and call for help. I cannot tell you how many times while having a bad manic attack I have called 9-1-1. They ask, "Are you going to hurt yourself or anyone else?" and if you feel that you will tell them, "Yes!" don't hesitate, don't second guess it, be honest. If the answer is no, then tell them that but explain what the problem is. They will transfer you to a crisis hotline and you will instantly be in touch with someone trained to help you. If someone is near you that you feel comfortable with ask them for help. I have looked at Rodney many a time and said, "I really want a drink right now." That puts Rodney on the alert, it doesn't mean I need to talk or anything but now he knows I shouldn't go out alone, not even the store. Put your pride aside and ask for help.
Be honest. Be honest with yourself and with everyone else. This does not mean that you need to run the streets screaming I'm ____ but if you have been sober for a week and are proud, freaking shout it out to anyone who will listen. When speaking with your doctors, therapists, significant others be honest. Stop and think about exactly how you feel. Don't try to hold back how you feel out of embarrassment, fear that they won't understand, or frustration. Keep asking question until you understand but also LISTEN to the answer even if it is one you don't want to hear. Therapy can be painful because you will face your inner demons but afterward you will feel better.
Lastly, follow your treatment plan. If you are prescribed medication, take it. If you are taking it don't just stop taking it. EVER. That is very, very bad and can set you back a long way. I know sometimes it feels like life is good, you don't need them anymore, you have less stress in your life. You do need them and if you just stop taking them you more than likely will plummet into a deep, dark hole of depression. No good. If you want to stop taking you meds talk to your doctor before doing anything. They can ween you off, you can discuss it further, make other treatment plans, etc. Your doctors are professionals so try not to second guess their every decision. I'm not saying go into it blindly, research your doctor. However as with bipolar it is hard to make rational decisions, best left to the pros. I am personally going to attempt med free but this is with the help and support of my family, friends and doctors. No one specific treatment is right for everybody. If you doubt or don't trust your doctor, get a second opinion. Still do not quit taking your meds or go off your treatment plan while getting a second opinion.
I hope that advice helps someone. It's things I have picked up in my own battles with addiction to cigarettes, alcoholism and bipolar disorder. I battle with these thing daily and yet I am still so blessed. When I am down I just have to remind myself that there is an end to this, this too shall pass.
Alright so here's what I have to say. To all my people who have a mental illness, addiction, disorder and/or disability:
After you have been diagnosed, own it. It's yours more than likely for life. However, you are not your diagnosis, you are still you. But just like you may have brown hair and blue eyes you also have _____. The sooner you own it the better. I spent a lot of wasted time trying to convince myself I wasn't an addict with cigarettes, that I wasn't an alcoholic and that my bipolar really wasn't *that* bad.
Next spend a little time wallowing in self pity. Woe is me, my life sucks I have ____ and it isn't fair. You are so right, it isn't fair, life can suck. Don't wallow too long. I will tell you why next. It is good to do this part though, I think, because it is a valid feeling. Let's call it "the mourning process". Mourn the loss of "normalcy" whatever that may be.
Ok now get over it. Be done with the mourning. It sucks but you are still you and you are still in control. Don't let this dominate you. We are somewhat back to "own it". The difference being here is that this is where you come to terms with, this is for life. There is no magic solution, drink, pill, or procedure that will cure you of this. I will have alcoholism from now until the day I die, hopefully well into my 90's. I will wake up every day wanting a drink, I will fight it during the day when I see a billboard, a commercial, going to a social outing with people who drink and I will lay my head down at night wanting that one last drink. Don't lie to yourself and say, "It'll get easier." or "This can't last forever." That sets you up for failure. It doesn't get easier BUT it doesn't get any harder either. You can learn to live like this and live a happy, fulfilled life. It's not the end of the world.
Now that you own it, it doesn't own you, you have said good bye to your old life and old ways, you know this is an on going battle, here comes the hard part. Seriosuly. ASK FOR HELP! This is in all CAPS because the wonderful men in my life have a very hard time with this. I understand. We as a society have "told" men to ; suck it up, never let them see you cry, show no emotion, etc. Men are supposed to be stoic, work hard and provide for their families without complaint or ever breaking down. Yeah right. You are human beings and in case you haven't noticed women are taking over the work force and men are becoming stay at home dads, the domestic type. Ask for help. If you are having an episode or feel you need to drink pick up the nearest phone and dial 9-1-1. Alright get that look off your face. 9-1-1 is for emergencies only! Yep, and an alcoholic about to drink is a life or death situation. Call for help. Do it. A manic attack is a life or death situation, pick up the phone and call for help. I cannot tell you how many times while having a bad manic attack I have called 9-1-1. They ask, "Are you going to hurt yourself or anyone else?" and if you feel that you will tell them, "Yes!" don't hesitate, don't second guess it, be honest. If the answer is no, then tell them that but explain what the problem is. They will transfer you to a crisis hotline and you will instantly be in touch with someone trained to help you. If someone is near you that you feel comfortable with ask them for help. I have looked at Rodney many a time and said, "I really want a drink right now." That puts Rodney on the alert, it doesn't mean I need to talk or anything but now he knows I shouldn't go out alone, not even the store. Put your pride aside and ask for help.
Be honest. Be honest with yourself and with everyone else. This does not mean that you need to run the streets screaming I'm ____ but if you have been sober for a week and are proud, freaking shout it out to anyone who will listen. When speaking with your doctors, therapists, significant others be honest. Stop and think about exactly how you feel. Don't try to hold back how you feel out of embarrassment, fear that they won't understand, or frustration. Keep asking question until you understand but also LISTEN to the answer even if it is one you don't want to hear. Therapy can be painful because you will face your inner demons but afterward you will feel better.
Lastly, follow your treatment plan. If you are prescribed medication, take it. If you are taking it don't just stop taking it. EVER. That is very, very bad and can set you back a long way. I know sometimes it feels like life is good, you don't need them anymore, you have less stress in your life. You do need them and if you just stop taking them you more than likely will plummet into a deep, dark hole of depression. No good. If you want to stop taking you meds talk to your doctor before doing anything. They can ween you off, you can discuss it further, make other treatment plans, etc. Your doctors are professionals so try not to second guess their every decision. I'm not saying go into it blindly, research your doctor. However as with bipolar it is hard to make rational decisions, best left to the pros. I am personally going to attempt med free but this is with the help and support of my family, friends and doctors. No one specific treatment is right for everybody. If you doubt or don't trust your doctor, get a second opinion. Still do not quit taking your meds or go off your treatment plan while getting a second opinion.
I hope that advice helps someone. It's things I have picked up in my own battles with addiction to cigarettes, alcoholism and bipolar disorder. I battle with these thing daily and yet I am still so blessed. When I am down I just have to remind myself that there is an end to this, this too shall pass.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
"O-o-oh child things are gonna get easier."
Dearest Liam,
As the months seem to whiz by at the speed of light things have gotten easier. I don't constantly feel as if a weight is laying on my chest. It is easier to breathe. However with this new found "freedom" comes guilt. How can I be so ok with this? How can it not hurt as much as it used to when I think of you? Why is my missing you not as painful? I certainly wish I had the answer.
You are growing so fast and are such a handsome boy.Sometimes while I am at work with my daycare kids I wonder, is Liam doing this yet? I wonder if he has started this yet? I bet Liam would really like that too. Sometimes it seems strange to talk about my boys. I can relate to people with children up to the age of five as far as Bailey goes. However when I talk about you I can only relate my pregnancy and your birth. Not that those things weren't equally as beautiful because they unequivocally are. The pain and the heartache and yes even the labor were so worth it.
I know that one day I will have at least one more child and I do worry how I will explain to you why I parented Bailey and that child but wasn't able to parent you. So many racial, social and economical faux pas. I worry that you will not truly know or believe just how much I love you. Adults, especially parents, understand the sacrifice I made and that I did so out of love but I worry. I worry that you will think I took the easy way out, I worry that you will think I was able to place you because I love you less. Oh, of course here come the water works. Whenever I try to convey my love to you my dearest boy I begin to cry. To think it could ever be possible for you to not know my love hurts me. More for selfish reasons I suppose because you are so loved by your parents and their family.
Your brother misses you and asks for you. When I was pregnant with you he begged me endlessly to parent you. I know he can't fully comprehend why things have happened the way they happened but I do know he loves you so very, very much. He talk about his brother Liam all the time. He loves looking at pictures of you. I cried looking at his artwork from school because he drew me pregnant in so many pictures and inside the picture of my belly he drew a little baby you.
So each day passes with it's trials and tribulations and it does get easier. But know this, no matter how much "easier" it gets deciding to place you was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And no matter what happens I will always love you and am so very proud to be your birthmother.
Love Always and Forever,
Birthmommy Heather
As the months seem to whiz by at the speed of light things have gotten easier. I don't constantly feel as if a weight is laying on my chest. It is easier to breathe. However with this new found "freedom" comes guilt. How can I be so ok with this? How can it not hurt as much as it used to when I think of you? Why is my missing you not as painful? I certainly wish I had the answer.
You are growing so fast and are such a handsome boy.Sometimes while I am at work with my daycare kids I wonder, is Liam doing this yet? I wonder if he has started this yet? I bet Liam would really like that too. Sometimes it seems strange to talk about my boys. I can relate to people with children up to the age of five as far as Bailey goes. However when I talk about you I can only relate my pregnancy and your birth. Not that those things weren't equally as beautiful because they unequivocally are. The pain and the heartache and yes even the labor were so worth it.
I know that one day I will have at least one more child and I do worry how I will explain to you why I parented Bailey and that child but wasn't able to parent you. So many racial, social and economical faux pas. I worry that you will not truly know or believe just how much I love you. Adults, especially parents, understand the sacrifice I made and that I did so out of love but I worry. I worry that you will think I took the easy way out, I worry that you will think I was able to place you because I love you less. Oh, of course here come the water works. Whenever I try to convey my love to you my dearest boy I begin to cry. To think it could ever be possible for you to not know my love hurts me. More for selfish reasons I suppose because you are so loved by your parents and their family.
Your brother misses you and asks for you. When I was pregnant with you he begged me endlessly to parent you. I know he can't fully comprehend why things have happened the way they happened but I do know he loves you so very, very much. He talk about his brother Liam all the time. He loves looking at pictures of you. I cried looking at his artwork from school because he drew me pregnant in so many pictures and inside the picture of my belly he drew a little baby you.
So each day passes with it's trials and tribulations and it does get easier. But know this, no matter how much "easier" it gets deciding to place you was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And no matter what happens I will always love you and am so very proud to be your birthmother.
Love Always and Forever,
Birthmommy Heather
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Hard Decisions
Today, was by far the hardest day of my life. Yes, that includes placing Liam for adoption. Placing Liam was only hard in the sense that I couldn't be selfish and keep him all to myself. I knew placing him with Julie and William that he was going to be just fine. And he is a happy, healthy baby loved by the best parents a kid could ask for. But today, oh Lord, today.
After recently having a discussion with a dear friend of mine about making the decision to circumcise baby boys I really thought making this decision for Bailey would be simple. I decided Bailey would be circumcised and he was. But this was so much different. Bailey is only 5 years old but he is a very bright little boy. I talk to him like he is an intelligent human being. Most people are surprised at how much I am willing to explain to Bailey. We chose to not use pet names for private parts, teaching him the correct words. If he asks me why something is this way or why something does this, I tell him the truth. I don't sensor most of the stuff he listens to or watches because I'd rather him listen to it here at home where he can be taught what it means and if it is appropriate for him to say.
Anyhow, so when it came to this surgery, although the ultimate decision was up to Rodney and I, I did ask Bailey his opinion on it. I explained to him what the surgery was, what the surgeon would do and what the risks would be. He comprehended about as much as you would expect a five year old to. He asked a few questions and then said, "I want to be able to breathe." So we decided it was for the best.
Bailey was so well behaved today. The staff at Barrett Surgery Center at Cobb Hospital were absolutely wonderful. They gave him his mask and a "balloon" (the one they use for anesthesia) to practice with. The nurse asked him what scent he'd like out of a bag of flavored Chap-sticks and he chose strawberry. She rubbed the Chap-stick on the inside of the mask so it would smell good and he practiced blowing up the balloon. He showed them his muscles as they took his blood pressure. Then they got him to "steer" the bed back to the surgery room. They put him to sleep before putting his IV in so he wouldn't be in any pain.
As they wheeled him around the corner it took everything in me not to burst into tears. I didn't want to be rooms away from him with locked doors between us. I didn't like the feeling that gave me. The nurses were so good and kept us updated, telling us what to expect next and when. I still managed to work up a headache worrying about him. Finally after what seemed like forever to me the surgeon came out and took us to a private room to tell us that the surgery went just fine. They removed his adenoids which were apparently huge and did a procedure on his nasal cavity to enlarge it giving him more room to breathe and less problems with allergies.
Another 20 minutes creeps by and they finally say one parent could go back to be with him. Rodney graciously allowed his over worried mommy to go be with him. They warned me that he had woken up in a panic so they gave him something to settle him until I could be with him. I was led back to a tiny room where my precious angel lay sleeping like I had never sleep before. His eyes were slick and his moth was agape. It was terribly emotional. I sat on the edge of the chair next to his bed and began rubbing his arm and back. He woke up panicked again until he became coherent enough to realize I was there. I assured him I wasn't going anywhere and he could sleep if he wanted to. He drifted back off into a more peaceful sleep. I finally allowed myself to cry then holding my baby's little hand.
It's hard to believe he is five when my heart still tells me he is my little baby boy. I don't know that my heart will ever register his actual age and that's just fine. I was so relieved to have him back with me holding him and comforting him. He woke again worried because he couldn't breathe through his nose and his throat hurt. I gave him so pain medicine and his apple juice. He started to calm down and look around at everything. He was greatly concerned with his IV and wanted it taken out. I told him I understood that and explained what the IV was and why he needed it. That seemed to help settle that issue with him although it still was sore to him. We finally were moved into his discharge room where his daddy and grandma met us. Bailey was finally back to his old self.
We have been home since about 10:30 this morning and he is definitely back to being his normal self. I can't imagine how much fun it will be for Rodney to try to keep him in bed tomorrow. I know tomorrow will be difficult for me returning to work while Bailey is still recovering but at least he will be home with his daddy. I love that son of mine more than I ever thought possible. I honestly never thought my heart could hold that much love. Today, allowing them to wheel my baby away from me to perform surgery on him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am so very proud of my big boy and just feel so blessed to have him in my life. He makes me a better person everyday.
After recently having a discussion with a dear friend of mine about making the decision to circumcise baby boys I really thought making this decision for Bailey would be simple. I decided Bailey would be circumcised and he was. But this was so much different. Bailey is only 5 years old but he is a very bright little boy. I talk to him like he is an intelligent human being. Most people are surprised at how much I am willing to explain to Bailey. We chose to not use pet names for private parts, teaching him the correct words. If he asks me why something is this way or why something does this, I tell him the truth. I don't sensor most of the stuff he listens to or watches because I'd rather him listen to it here at home where he can be taught what it means and if it is appropriate for him to say.
Anyhow, so when it came to this surgery, although the ultimate decision was up to Rodney and I, I did ask Bailey his opinion on it. I explained to him what the surgery was, what the surgeon would do and what the risks would be. He comprehended about as much as you would expect a five year old to. He asked a few questions and then said, "I want to be able to breathe." So we decided it was for the best.
Bailey was so well behaved today. The staff at Barrett Surgery Center at Cobb Hospital were absolutely wonderful. They gave him his mask and a "balloon" (the one they use for anesthesia) to practice with. The nurse asked him what scent he'd like out of a bag of flavored Chap-sticks and he chose strawberry. She rubbed the Chap-stick on the inside of the mask so it would smell good and he practiced blowing up the balloon. He showed them his muscles as they took his blood pressure. Then they got him to "steer" the bed back to the surgery room. They put him to sleep before putting his IV in so he wouldn't be in any pain.
As they wheeled him around the corner it took everything in me not to burst into tears. I didn't want to be rooms away from him with locked doors between us. I didn't like the feeling that gave me. The nurses were so good and kept us updated, telling us what to expect next and when. I still managed to work up a headache worrying about him. Finally after what seemed like forever to me the surgeon came out and took us to a private room to tell us that the surgery went just fine. They removed his adenoids which were apparently huge and did a procedure on his nasal cavity to enlarge it giving him more room to breathe and less problems with allergies.
Another 20 minutes creeps by and they finally say one parent could go back to be with him. Rodney graciously allowed his over worried mommy to go be with him. They warned me that he had woken up in a panic so they gave him something to settle him until I could be with him. I was led back to a tiny room where my precious angel lay sleeping like I had never sleep before. His eyes were slick and his moth was agape. It was terribly emotional. I sat on the edge of the chair next to his bed and began rubbing his arm and back. He woke up panicked again until he became coherent enough to realize I was there. I assured him I wasn't going anywhere and he could sleep if he wanted to. He drifted back off into a more peaceful sleep. I finally allowed myself to cry then holding my baby's little hand.
It's hard to believe he is five when my heart still tells me he is my little baby boy. I don't know that my heart will ever register his actual age and that's just fine. I was so relieved to have him back with me holding him and comforting him. He woke again worried because he couldn't breathe through his nose and his throat hurt. I gave him so pain medicine and his apple juice. He started to calm down and look around at everything. He was greatly concerned with his IV and wanted it taken out. I told him I understood that and explained what the IV was and why he needed it. That seemed to help settle that issue with him although it still was sore to him. We finally were moved into his discharge room where his daddy and grandma met us. Bailey was finally back to his old self.
We have been home since about 10:30 this morning and he is definitely back to being his normal self. I can't imagine how much fun it will be for Rodney to try to keep him in bed tomorrow. I know tomorrow will be difficult for me returning to work while Bailey is still recovering but at least he will be home with his daddy. I love that son of mine more than I ever thought possible. I honestly never thought my heart could hold that much love. Today, allowing them to wheel my baby away from me to perform surgery on him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am so very proud of my big boy and just feel so blessed to have him in my life. He makes me a better person everyday.
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