Dearest Liam,
As the months seem to whiz by at the speed of light things have gotten easier. I don't constantly feel as if a weight is laying on my chest. It is easier to breathe. However with this new found "freedom" comes guilt. How can I be so ok with this? How can it not hurt as much as it used to when I think of you? Why is my missing you not as painful? I certainly wish I had the answer.
You are growing so fast and are such a handsome boy.Sometimes while I am at work with my daycare kids I wonder, is Liam doing this yet? I wonder if he has started this yet? I bet Liam would really like that too. Sometimes it seems strange to talk about my boys. I can relate to people with children up to the age of five as far as Bailey goes. However when I talk about you I can only relate my pregnancy and your birth. Not that those things weren't equally as beautiful because they unequivocally are. The pain and the heartache and yes even the labor were so worth it.
I know that one day I will have at least one more child and I do worry how I will explain to you why I parented Bailey and that child but wasn't able to parent you. So many racial, social and economical faux pas. I worry that you will not truly know or believe just how much I love you. Adults, especially parents, understand the sacrifice I made and that I did so out of love but I worry. I worry that you will think I took the easy way out, I worry that you will think I was able to place you because I love you less. Oh, of course here come the water works. Whenever I try to convey my love to you my dearest boy I begin to cry. To think it could ever be possible for you to not know my love hurts me. More for selfish reasons I suppose because you are so loved by your parents and their family.
Your brother misses you and asks for you. When I was pregnant with you he begged me endlessly to parent you. I know he can't fully comprehend why things have happened the way they happened but I do know he loves you so very, very much. He talk about his brother Liam all the time. He loves looking at pictures of you. I cried looking at his artwork from school because he drew me pregnant in so many pictures and inside the picture of my belly he drew a little baby you.
So each day passes with it's trials and tribulations and it does get easier. But know this, no matter how much "easier" it gets deciding to place you was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And no matter what happens I will always love you and am so very proud to be your birthmother.
Love Always and Forever,
Birthmommy Heather
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Hard Decisions
Today, was by far the hardest day of my life. Yes, that includes placing Liam for adoption. Placing Liam was only hard in the sense that I couldn't be selfish and keep him all to myself. I knew placing him with Julie and William that he was going to be just fine. And he is a happy, healthy baby loved by the best parents a kid could ask for. But today, oh Lord, today.
After recently having a discussion with a dear friend of mine about making the decision to circumcise baby boys I really thought making this decision for Bailey would be simple. I decided Bailey would be circumcised and he was. But this was so much different. Bailey is only 5 years old but he is a very bright little boy. I talk to him like he is an intelligent human being. Most people are surprised at how much I am willing to explain to Bailey. We chose to not use pet names for private parts, teaching him the correct words. If he asks me why something is this way or why something does this, I tell him the truth. I don't sensor most of the stuff he listens to or watches because I'd rather him listen to it here at home where he can be taught what it means and if it is appropriate for him to say.
Anyhow, so when it came to this surgery, although the ultimate decision was up to Rodney and I, I did ask Bailey his opinion on it. I explained to him what the surgery was, what the surgeon would do and what the risks would be. He comprehended about as much as you would expect a five year old to. He asked a few questions and then said, "I want to be able to breathe." So we decided it was for the best.
Bailey was so well behaved today. The staff at Barrett Surgery Center at Cobb Hospital were absolutely wonderful. They gave him his mask and a "balloon" (the one they use for anesthesia) to practice with. The nurse asked him what scent he'd like out of a bag of flavored Chap-sticks and he chose strawberry. She rubbed the Chap-stick on the inside of the mask so it would smell good and he practiced blowing up the balloon. He showed them his muscles as they took his blood pressure. Then they got him to "steer" the bed back to the surgery room. They put him to sleep before putting his IV in so he wouldn't be in any pain.
As they wheeled him around the corner it took everything in me not to burst into tears. I didn't want to be rooms away from him with locked doors between us. I didn't like the feeling that gave me. The nurses were so good and kept us updated, telling us what to expect next and when. I still managed to work up a headache worrying about him. Finally after what seemed like forever to me the surgeon came out and took us to a private room to tell us that the surgery went just fine. They removed his adenoids which were apparently huge and did a procedure on his nasal cavity to enlarge it giving him more room to breathe and less problems with allergies.
Another 20 minutes creeps by and they finally say one parent could go back to be with him. Rodney graciously allowed his over worried mommy to go be with him. They warned me that he had woken up in a panic so they gave him something to settle him until I could be with him. I was led back to a tiny room where my precious angel lay sleeping like I had never sleep before. His eyes were slick and his moth was agape. It was terribly emotional. I sat on the edge of the chair next to his bed and began rubbing his arm and back. He woke up panicked again until he became coherent enough to realize I was there. I assured him I wasn't going anywhere and he could sleep if he wanted to. He drifted back off into a more peaceful sleep. I finally allowed myself to cry then holding my baby's little hand.
It's hard to believe he is five when my heart still tells me he is my little baby boy. I don't know that my heart will ever register his actual age and that's just fine. I was so relieved to have him back with me holding him and comforting him. He woke again worried because he couldn't breathe through his nose and his throat hurt. I gave him so pain medicine and his apple juice. He started to calm down and look around at everything. He was greatly concerned with his IV and wanted it taken out. I told him I understood that and explained what the IV was and why he needed it. That seemed to help settle that issue with him although it still was sore to him. We finally were moved into his discharge room where his daddy and grandma met us. Bailey was finally back to his old self.
We have been home since about 10:30 this morning and he is definitely back to being his normal self. I can't imagine how much fun it will be for Rodney to try to keep him in bed tomorrow. I know tomorrow will be difficult for me returning to work while Bailey is still recovering but at least he will be home with his daddy. I love that son of mine more than I ever thought possible. I honestly never thought my heart could hold that much love. Today, allowing them to wheel my baby away from me to perform surgery on him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am so very proud of my big boy and just feel so blessed to have him in my life. He makes me a better person everyday.
After recently having a discussion with a dear friend of mine about making the decision to circumcise baby boys I really thought making this decision for Bailey would be simple. I decided Bailey would be circumcised and he was. But this was so much different. Bailey is only 5 years old but he is a very bright little boy. I talk to him like he is an intelligent human being. Most people are surprised at how much I am willing to explain to Bailey. We chose to not use pet names for private parts, teaching him the correct words. If he asks me why something is this way or why something does this, I tell him the truth. I don't sensor most of the stuff he listens to or watches because I'd rather him listen to it here at home where he can be taught what it means and if it is appropriate for him to say.
Anyhow, so when it came to this surgery, although the ultimate decision was up to Rodney and I, I did ask Bailey his opinion on it. I explained to him what the surgery was, what the surgeon would do and what the risks would be. He comprehended about as much as you would expect a five year old to. He asked a few questions and then said, "I want to be able to breathe." So we decided it was for the best.
Bailey was so well behaved today. The staff at Barrett Surgery Center at Cobb Hospital were absolutely wonderful. They gave him his mask and a "balloon" (the one they use for anesthesia) to practice with. The nurse asked him what scent he'd like out of a bag of flavored Chap-sticks and he chose strawberry. She rubbed the Chap-stick on the inside of the mask so it would smell good and he practiced blowing up the balloon. He showed them his muscles as they took his blood pressure. Then they got him to "steer" the bed back to the surgery room. They put him to sleep before putting his IV in so he wouldn't be in any pain.
As they wheeled him around the corner it took everything in me not to burst into tears. I didn't want to be rooms away from him with locked doors between us. I didn't like the feeling that gave me. The nurses were so good and kept us updated, telling us what to expect next and when. I still managed to work up a headache worrying about him. Finally after what seemed like forever to me the surgeon came out and took us to a private room to tell us that the surgery went just fine. They removed his adenoids which were apparently huge and did a procedure on his nasal cavity to enlarge it giving him more room to breathe and less problems with allergies.
Another 20 minutes creeps by and they finally say one parent could go back to be with him. Rodney graciously allowed his over worried mommy to go be with him. They warned me that he had woken up in a panic so they gave him something to settle him until I could be with him. I was led back to a tiny room where my precious angel lay sleeping like I had never sleep before. His eyes were slick and his moth was agape. It was terribly emotional. I sat on the edge of the chair next to his bed and began rubbing his arm and back. He woke up panicked again until he became coherent enough to realize I was there. I assured him I wasn't going anywhere and he could sleep if he wanted to. He drifted back off into a more peaceful sleep. I finally allowed myself to cry then holding my baby's little hand.
It's hard to believe he is five when my heart still tells me he is my little baby boy. I don't know that my heart will ever register his actual age and that's just fine. I was so relieved to have him back with me holding him and comforting him. He woke again worried because he couldn't breathe through his nose and his throat hurt. I gave him so pain medicine and his apple juice. He started to calm down and look around at everything. He was greatly concerned with his IV and wanted it taken out. I told him I understood that and explained what the IV was and why he needed it. That seemed to help settle that issue with him although it still was sore to him. We finally were moved into his discharge room where his daddy and grandma met us. Bailey was finally back to his old self.
We have been home since about 10:30 this morning and he is definitely back to being his normal self. I can't imagine how much fun it will be for Rodney to try to keep him in bed tomorrow. I know tomorrow will be difficult for me returning to work while Bailey is still recovering but at least he will be home with his daddy. I love that son of mine more than I ever thought possible. I honestly never thought my heart could hold that much love. Today, allowing them to wheel my baby away from me to perform surgery on him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am so very proud of my big boy and just feel so blessed to have him in my life. He makes me a better person everyday.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
I miss you.
We have a little boy in our daycare who is small for his age. Not underfed or unhealthy, just a petite boy. He allows us to snuggle him for long periods of time. Today he was a little restless when I tried to snuggle him and I almost wanted to cry. He has fair hair and fair skin, in that way he reminds me of Liam. He is tiny like Liam was the last time I saw him. I snuggle with this boy and it helps me to reconcile the loss of my ability to snuggle Liam. I imagine myself holding him, what it would have been like to parent him. What would my reactions have been to his milestones.
I didn't placed Liam because I doubted my ability to raise him. I placed him to protect him from what I perceived to be a bad situation with his birth father. The thought of being forced to send my child into a trailer shared by his grandparents, being surrounded by cigarette smoke day and night. It killed me. I wouldn't trust Liam's birth-father with my pet rock much less a child. Sometimes I find myself very angry with Liam's birth-father because I feel like he put my through this. Some days I feel like I did lose a child. It makes me happy to see him to healthy and happy with his parents. But some days I just miss my son.
I want to hold him and kiss him. But even that can be awkward. He bonded with his parents really well, which is absolutely fantastic. But I just feel weird when I hold him, like I don't have it in me to comfort him. Like I am holding him wrong or I am too tense. It's so strange because I have the capacity to hold the children we care for at the daycare and too soothe them with no problems. How can it be that I am so lost with the child I brought in to this world. What if I am always this awkward around him? Will he notice? Will he think I don't love him? I think it is partly due to the fact that he so much resembles his birth-father to me. It's painful some times to see that innocent face and still see Geoffrey in it.
I am getting my IUD tomorrow and although I know I can have it removed it seems so final. It's almost like proof positive that I won't be having a baby of my own any time soon. I think that is why I have been having nightmares the past few nights. Part of me is scared to do this. I am afraid it means we will keep putting off having another baby until it's too late. Or what if something goes wrong with the IUD and I become sterile? I would be devastated. I cannot imagine not being able to have another child. I know how selfish that sounds. I have had two beautiful, healthy children, who could ask for more? Me. Ever since I had Bailey I knew I wanted more children. My oldest son will be six in October. I never planned for there to be such a gap between my kids. How much longer will I have to wait? Who knows I will just keep praying about it. Until then I will just keep snuggling on the babies at work. They love me and I love them. :)
I didn't placed Liam because I doubted my ability to raise him. I placed him to protect him from what I perceived to be a bad situation with his birth father. The thought of being forced to send my child into a trailer shared by his grandparents, being surrounded by cigarette smoke day and night. It killed me. I wouldn't trust Liam's birth-father with my pet rock much less a child. Sometimes I find myself very angry with Liam's birth-father because I feel like he put my through this. Some days I feel like I did lose a child. It makes me happy to see him to healthy and happy with his parents. But some days I just miss my son.
I want to hold him and kiss him. But even that can be awkward. He bonded with his parents really well, which is absolutely fantastic. But I just feel weird when I hold him, like I don't have it in me to comfort him. Like I am holding him wrong or I am too tense. It's so strange because I have the capacity to hold the children we care for at the daycare and too soothe them with no problems. How can it be that I am so lost with the child I brought in to this world. What if I am always this awkward around him? Will he notice? Will he think I don't love him? I think it is partly due to the fact that he so much resembles his birth-father to me. It's painful some times to see that innocent face and still see Geoffrey in it.
I am getting my IUD tomorrow and although I know I can have it removed it seems so final. It's almost like proof positive that I won't be having a baby of my own any time soon. I think that is why I have been having nightmares the past few nights. Part of me is scared to do this. I am afraid it means we will keep putting off having another baby until it's too late. Or what if something goes wrong with the IUD and I become sterile? I would be devastated. I cannot imagine not being able to have another child. I know how selfish that sounds. I have had two beautiful, healthy children, who could ask for more? Me. Ever since I had Bailey I knew I wanted more children. My oldest son will be six in October. I never planned for there to be such a gap between my kids. How much longer will I have to wait? Who knows I will just keep praying about it. Until then I will just keep snuggling on the babies at work. They love me and I love them. :)
Monday, April 25, 2011
"Mrs. Hogwallop up and R-U-N-N-O-F-T. "
Well I warned you it may be a little bit before I posted again. I was right too, wasn't I?
So this past Saturday I ran/walked my first race ever. I did the Chamblee 5K. I actually completed it! I was able to finish it in 46 minutes and 52 seconds. As I started off there was a group of people walking behind me. I sped walked and jogged on and off. Then I got a stitch in my side right after the first mile, 14 minutes in. A guy came up behind me looking about 15 months pregnant (not a typo the dude had a huge gut), then he passed me. How very depressing, then an older couple came up next. Finally two women, one with a stroller came up along side me. They were the very last people. We came to an intersection where they were holding up traffic for us. A cop on a motorcycle came up beside us and said, "Come ladies let's do this!" So the three of us jogged across the intersection and once we crossed the cop sounded his siren in celebration for us. I sped up not wanting to be stuck with the mom team and the stroller. I caught up with the guy who looked very pregnant. We started to go down hill and were getting close to the finish line. I burst into tears sobbing. I thought to myself, "I cannot be last damn it!" I thought about all that I had lost and gave up this past year. All the sacrifices I made out of love for my sons, for the love of my life, for my family. This is the ONE good thing I have done for myself. I quit smoking for Liam and I quit drinking for Liam, I stayed quit for Bailey and Rodney. But this, this running, it is mine. I do this for ME. I took off down the hill and pregnant guy says to me, "Yeah I am trying to just walk it I had surgery on a hernia last year so I haven't worked out for 8 months." So I looked at him and smiled, "I just gave birth two months ago yesterday, so I am in the same boat." He looked shocked and then said, "Well good luck!" So I began power walking again. I came around the corner and saw my mom coming to meet me. She said, "Come on, let's run it out the rest of the way." So I did. I honestly didn't think I had anything left in me. I was beat but seeing that finish line I had to go for it. I ran. I full out ran. My lungs were burning, my legs were jelly but damn it I made it. That was the best feeling I have had in the longest time. It took everything in me not to burst into tears. I CANNOT wait to do it again.
That night we went bowling with my mom and her boyfriend to celebrate Rodney's 27th birthday. It was SO nice to bowl again. I actually bowled over a hundred again which I hadn't done in so long. I was so sore from running but it was nice to get out and socialize. It was good to see that I could resist the temptation to drink. Usually when we bowl or go out at all I drink Obviously when I was pregnant with Liam I couldn't do that and it was easy to say, "No." because I was looking out for Liam. Having come so far and having learned to love myself again, I can say, "No." for me now. I love myself enough to not have that drink. It felt SO good!
Sunday we all got up and went to church which was nice. My feet were killing me though because my dumb self decided to wear three inch heels after having run that race the day before. >< We spent most of the day with my soon-to-be in-laws. Rodney's mom and I have not always gotten along but I think that I have changed so much for the better that we were able to actually communicate really well. I had a GREAT time hanging out with her, she had me laughing so hard at times. She had started a roast before we got there and I made Shepherds pie per Rodney's request. Donna, Rodney's mom, had never had Shepherd's Pie but she loved it! I was so glad. She asked me how my race went and said she wanted to be at the finish line to cheer me on for the next one. That meant so much to me. Then my big brother, Rodney's little brother Eric, showed up. It was really nice to hear him bragging about me on the phone to a friend of ours. I am so proud of Eric he has taken up some sort of martial arts training. It sounds really intense and I am so proud of him for sticking with it. He is planning to race as well, hopefully Rodney will start racing with us. He will probably blow us all away when he does start considering that is what he did in High School. He still has runner's legs.
Anyhow, life is good. I love my job and my employer. She has to be the most thoughtful person I have ever worked for. She makes me feel good about myself. I find that I have started surrounding myself with happy, positive and uplifting people. Thus my life is happier, more positive and definitely uplifted! I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who are so supportive and believing of me!
So this past Saturday I ran/walked my first race ever. I did the Chamblee 5K. I actually completed it! I was able to finish it in 46 minutes and 52 seconds. As I started off there was a group of people walking behind me. I sped walked and jogged on and off. Then I got a stitch in my side right after the first mile, 14 minutes in. A guy came up behind me looking about 15 months pregnant (not a typo the dude had a huge gut), then he passed me. How very depressing, then an older couple came up next. Finally two women, one with a stroller came up along side me. They were the very last people. We came to an intersection where they were holding up traffic for us. A cop on a motorcycle came up beside us and said, "Come ladies let's do this!" So the three of us jogged across the intersection and once we crossed the cop sounded his siren in celebration for us. I sped up not wanting to be stuck with the mom team and the stroller. I caught up with the guy who looked very pregnant. We started to go down hill and were getting close to the finish line. I burst into tears sobbing. I thought to myself, "I cannot be last damn it!" I thought about all that I had lost and gave up this past year. All the sacrifices I made out of love for my sons, for the love of my life, for my family. This is the ONE good thing I have done for myself. I quit smoking for Liam and I quit drinking for Liam, I stayed quit for Bailey and Rodney. But this, this running, it is mine. I do this for ME. I took off down the hill and pregnant guy says to me, "Yeah I am trying to just walk it I had surgery on a hernia last year so I haven't worked out for 8 months." So I looked at him and smiled, "I just gave birth two months ago yesterday, so I am in the same boat." He looked shocked and then said, "Well good luck!" So I began power walking again. I came around the corner and saw my mom coming to meet me. She said, "Come on, let's run it out the rest of the way." So I did. I honestly didn't think I had anything left in me. I was beat but seeing that finish line I had to go for it. I ran. I full out ran. My lungs were burning, my legs were jelly but damn it I made it. That was the best feeling I have had in the longest time. It took everything in me not to burst into tears. I CANNOT wait to do it again.
That night we went bowling with my mom and her boyfriend to celebrate Rodney's 27th birthday. It was SO nice to bowl again. I actually bowled over a hundred again which I hadn't done in so long. I was so sore from running but it was nice to get out and socialize. It was good to see that I could resist the temptation to drink. Usually when we bowl or go out at all I drink Obviously when I was pregnant with Liam I couldn't do that and it was easy to say, "No." because I was looking out for Liam. Having come so far and having learned to love myself again, I can say, "No." for me now. I love myself enough to not have that drink. It felt SO good!
Sunday we all got up and went to church which was nice. My feet were killing me though because my dumb self decided to wear three inch heels after having run that race the day before. >< We spent most of the day with my soon-to-be in-laws. Rodney's mom and I have not always gotten along but I think that I have changed so much for the better that we were able to actually communicate really well. I had a GREAT time hanging out with her, she had me laughing so hard at times. She had started a roast before we got there and I made Shepherds pie per Rodney's request. Donna, Rodney's mom, had never had Shepherd's Pie but she loved it! I was so glad. She asked me how my race went and said she wanted to be at the finish line to cheer me on for the next one. That meant so much to me. Then my big brother, Rodney's little brother Eric, showed up. It was really nice to hear him bragging about me on the phone to a friend of ours. I am so proud of Eric he has taken up some sort of martial arts training. It sounds really intense and I am so proud of him for sticking with it. He is planning to race as well, hopefully Rodney will start racing with us. He will probably blow us all away when he does start considering that is what he did in High School. He still has runner's legs.
Anyhow, life is good. I love my job and my employer. She has to be the most thoughtful person I have ever worked for. She makes me feel good about myself. I find that I have started surrounding myself with happy, positive and uplifting people. Thus my life is happier, more positive and definitely uplifted! I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who are so supportive and believing of me!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
6 weeks
Ok so Friday was 6 weeks, 6 weeks since I had given birth to Liam. I kept expecting a melt down or something to happen because 6 weeks is a big milestone. I remember taking Bailey to his 6 week check-up it was a big deal and all. I had no terrible feelings, I didn't get sad or angry. It was just a normal day.
I went to my postpartum check-up. The nurse who took all my vitals and my urine sample begin asking me questions; when did I deliver, who delivered the baby, what was his name, how much did he weigh, how much does he weigh now. I gave her all the info and then with the last question I said, "I believe his mom said he weighed 9 lbs at his month check up." She says, "His mom?" "Yes, I place him for adoption." I say. "Oh, are you doing ok?" "Yeah, no, really I'm fine" I answer. I feel like I have to reassure people that I'm not going to burst into tears it's almost like I have to be defensive in my affirmation that I am indeed doing just fine. She goes on to ask if I am taking vitamins and I tell her, "Yes, I'm still taking prenatals because I am pumping and donating to the baby." The baby? Why'd I say that? I wanted to say "to my son" but I thought she'd be confused, how do I refer to him to people? Hm.
The check up went fine, I am anemic again but that happens fairly often to me, as much spinach and collard greens as I eat it's hard to believe I could ever have a low iron count but I do. My thyroid glands are swollen, again as well. I had blood work drawn for that as well as for the normal tests they run on your blood when going to these visits. Apparently everything is "back in the right place" as my midwife put it. I am just waiting for the all clear on getting an IUD and am so ready to do that. I had a depo shot at the hospital after having Liam but the IUD is long term and just may get rid of my lovely monthly visitor.
As I was leaving I went by the check out desk and handed them my paper work. The lady says to me, "Where's the baby?" and so I told her, "I placed him for adoption." "OH MY GAWD! I am SOOOOO sorry!" she wails. Once again I felt myself reassuring a stranger that it was perfectly ok, no need to say sorry, no really I am fine, it's ok. She says "sorry" a couple of more times before I leave. By this point I am ready to strangle her. Why do I have to make you feel better for saying something stupid. Just let it go, it really didn't hurt my feelings. I hate that people tell me they are "sorry". Sorry for what? It's like the way you tell someone you are sorry for their loss when a family member dies. My son didn't die, I placed him in a loving home. I didn't lose anything, I gained two more family members. Please don't tell me you are sorry.
It's like people have this preconceived notion of how adoption goes and how you should react. I have to say I am one of those people but I am really trying to get better at it. After speaking with a fellow Atlanta birthmother or First Mother as she prefers to be called, I realized that I was doing that too. She parented her son for a while before placing him and I made some reference along the lines of "it must have been hard". >< Such a stupid thing to say, why didn't I ASK her how she felt about it. If I had I would have learned that she was actually really happy that she had been able to parent him for as long as she did. She is such a beautiful person and I truly admire her for her courage and her honesty. I do need to learn that adoption much like anything to do with parenting is not a "one size fits all" deal. What may work for one may not work for another and vice versa. My preconceived notions are not only offensive but ignorant.
That's about it for now, I am going back to work tomorrow. Going back full-time which means less time to update until I get the swing of things. I have to learn how to juggle being a mom, working full time, my goals for running and continuing to pump. I do all of this gladly but it may mean that until I do get into the swing of it again you will hear from me less. I will try to keep everyone updated as much as possible though. ;)
I went to my postpartum check-up. The nurse who took all my vitals and my urine sample begin asking me questions; when did I deliver, who delivered the baby, what was his name, how much did he weigh, how much does he weigh now. I gave her all the info and then with the last question I said, "I believe his mom said he weighed 9 lbs at his month check up." She says, "His mom?" "Yes, I place him for adoption." I say. "Oh, are you doing ok?" "Yeah, no, really I'm fine" I answer. I feel like I have to reassure people that I'm not going to burst into tears it's almost like I have to be defensive in my affirmation that I am indeed doing just fine. She goes on to ask if I am taking vitamins and I tell her, "Yes, I'm still taking prenatals because I am pumping and donating to the baby." The baby? Why'd I say that? I wanted to say "to my son" but I thought she'd be confused, how do I refer to him to people? Hm.
The check up went fine, I am anemic again but that happens fairly often to me, as much spinach and collard greens as I eat it's hard to believe I could ever have a low iron count but I do. My thyroid glands are swollen, again as well. I had blood work drawn for that as well as for the normal tests they run on your blood when going to these visits. Apparently everything is "back in the right place" as my midwife put it. I am just waiting for the all clear on getting an IUD and am so ready to do that. I had a depo shot at the hospital after having Liam but the IUD is long term and just may get rid of my lovely monthly visitor.
As I was leaving I went by the check out desk and handed them my paper work. The lady says to me, "Where's the baby?" and so I told her, "I placed him for adoption." "OH MY GAWD! I am SOOOOO sorry!" she wails. Once again I felt myself reassuring a stranger that it was perfectly ok, no need to say sorry, no really I am fine, it's ok. She says "sorry" a couple of more times before I leave. By this point I am ready to strangle her. Why do I have to make you feel better for saying something stupid. Just let it go, it really didn't hurt my feelings. I hate that people tell me they are "sorry". Sorry for what? It's like the way you tell someone you are sorry for their loss when a family member dies. My son didn't die, I placed him in a loving home. I didn't lose anything, I gained two more family members. Please don't tell me you are sorry.
It's like people have this preconceived notion of how adoption goes and how you should react. I have to say I am one of those people but I am really trying to get better at it. After speaking with a fellow Atlanta birthmother or First Mother as she prefers to be called, I realized that I was doing that too. She parented her son for a while before placing him and I made some reference along the lines of "it must have been hard". >< Such a stupid thing to say, why didn't I ASK her how she felt about it. If I had I would have learned that she was actually really happy that she had been able to parent him for as long as she did. She is such a beautiful person and I truly admire her for her courage and her honesty. I do need to learn that adoption much like anything to do with parenting is not a "one size fits all" deal. What may work for one may not work for another and vice versa. My preconceived notions are not only offensive but ignorant.
That's about it for now, I am going back to work tomorrow. Going back full-time which means less time to update until I get the swing of things. I have to learn how to juggle being a mom, working full time, my goals for running and continuing to pump. I do all of this gladly but it may mean that until I do get into the swing of it again you will hear from me less. I will try to keep everyone updated as much as possible though. ;)
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