Update

So I started back crocheting, for those of you who don't know or haven't been bombarded with my crochet pictures. I'm loving it now that I understand it better. I'm somewhat addicted to it. It busies my hands so I don't feel the need to sit around and snack while watching television. It's been really awesome and luckily I know some people who are having babies soon, so I have a few more excuses to crochet.

I've also been cooking like crazy since starting this Primal Blueprint "diet". I have to admit that's the hardest part. It's the not being lazy and actually getting in the kitchen to cook every single day. I make one day our "left-over day" but that's still a lot more cooking than I used to do. Especially when you take in account that I'm cooking breakfast too. I'm still motivated by my 7 lbs weight loss though. I was complaining, like I tend to do, that I was hungry but didn't feel like cooking at some point last night. Rodney said something about making a sandwich. The temptation was overwhelming but I said no and grabbed some dry fruit. It was yummy and filling, I didn't have a sugar crash or feel lethargic like I would have had I decided to eat that sandwich. I did bring grains back in the house for Rodney because as much as I love him, if he complained one more time about wanting a hamburger, I may have killed him.

My exercise routine has faltered a bit. I need to get back into and do it every day and keep doing it even when I don't want to. Eventually it will become a habit. Trust me, right now I don't have anything else I could be doing, nothing pressing anyway. The television shows can wait another 30-60 minutes. My Blockbuster account was recently reactivated by mistake but in that mistake I did find out that I can rent video games one at a time with my subscription. So I added The Biggest Loser for the Wii to try it out and see what I think. I love the Wii Fit Plus still just wanted to see what The Biggest Loser had to offer.

Bailey and I are going up to visit Liam and his family for his first birthday. It seems like it was just yesterday that I gave birth to him. Bailey and I watch his videos, that his parents post, religiously. It is so awesome to be able to watch him grow and see how happy they all are. Part of my reason for taking up crocheting again was because I wanted to make Liam a blanket, I just about finished it. I just need to add an edge to it. I've started another one for him that's more snuggley. I can't wait to see them and Bailey can't either. He's excited about flying up too. He keeps asking what he is allowed to do on the plane and what he can take with him. It's adorable. He also keeps checking on my progress with the blankets. He is so excited to see his brother again. Rodney decided he is going to stay home. He was going to go with us but decided he wasn't quite ready to do that just yet. He didn't want to ruin our trip. I'm sure he'll enjoy a little mini-vacation to himself too. I won't be here to nag him to death ;)

To eat or not to eat?

Or should I say, what to eat and what not to eat... it is most definitely the question. Common sense dictates that sugars and carbohydrates are not so good. All the food preservatives and packaged foods are also not so good. So no on bread or yes on bread? No on dairy or yes on dairy? Yes on sugar or no on sugar? I almost feel as though I should have to school to be a nutritionist.

I looked over The Mediterranean Diet and nixed it, I just know that bread is one of my biggest downfalls as well as cheese. I also glanced over the Paleo Diet, not too bad from what I can see but I am concerned about the no dairy. Osteoarthritis is fairly common in women and being as tall as I am with all the joint problems I have now I can't really afford to jack my bones up too.

I have been trying so hard to read over Eat to Live but man is it a tough read for me. The points bounce back and forth, I sometimes feel like the guy is trying to sell me something in that round about way were he swears he isn't trying to sell me anything. I haven't actually gotten to the point where he states exactly what his theory is, just spouting the same statistics that dietitians and nutritionist the world over use. Yes, we know America is obese and it is horrible that such a rich country wants to take the short cut with magic pills instead of doing whats right. I wouldn't be reading your book if I were one of those people so just get to the point already. I don't know his outcomes sound terrific and he is backed by Dr. Oz so I'd like to find out what his plan is but just getting through the repetitive mumbo jumbo that he uses to prove he has done his research and that he is a doctor is driving me insane.

I've also looked over The Primal Diet which in a lot of ways appears to be the same as the Paleo Diet. From what I understand dairy is allowed with the Primal Diet. I haven't finished reading either so I can't say for certain. I like the idea of creating a leaner, more fuel efficient me with a diet that gives me that fuel.

I was also told about the DASH Diet, I glanced over the website and I am impressed that it was named the #1 Diet. However, the cost of the book is just too much for someone like me who is unemployed. It's very frustrating that our society actually makes it hard for people to lose weight. Healthier food option are harder to find and more expensive. The things we are taught at school about nutrition are not entirely accurate and the foods we are served certainly don't fall under health guidlines. Potatoes are not a vegetable, someone needs to let the school systems know this. ><

It's all very confusing but I won't give up. I don't want to be "that fat chick" forever. I was skinny growing up and even if this wasn't a little bit about my self image, I just want to be healthy and live here on Earth with my son for as long as I can. I want to run and play outside with my children, I want to go up a flight of stairs without being winded, I want to slide on a pair of jeans without feeling completely uncomfortable and miserable. I don't want to be the sweatpants mom anymore. I want my joints to stop hurting and complaining of all the weight they have to carry around every day. I want my headaches to go away. I want to run marathons and do 5Ks with my family. So I will continue to work out, with the Wii Plus and soon I will start doing Slim in 6 too. I will take whatever advice or help I can get.

I ain't happy but I'm feeling glad

I have been in this horrible depressed mood for months now. Poor Rodney has had to deal with some serious grouchiness, God bless him. The depression itself doesn't have to do with anything in particular. Just a nasty side affect of being Bipolar.

I did quit smoking and drinking again. It's been 17 days since I've drank and 16 since I've smoked. I am still in the shitty part where I get really nauseous and get horrible headaches. Withdrawal is never fun. It doesn't help my disposition any at all either.

I had a really good birthday thanks to some very special people. I also had quite the revelation. I finally found out what it means to have a good friend. Someone who won't talk badly about you behind your back, someone who won't judge you and honestly cares about your well being. There should be more people in the world like my dear friend, Nikki. I should have known just how good she was when Rodney said he liked her. Rodney's a good judge of character (present company excluded, love is blind, don'tcha know?) and he said, "She always says hello and goodbye to me when she comes to visit. And you are never left in tears after seeing or talking with her." Hm. How very true. I did cry the day after my birthday because my feelings were hurt. A friend or maybe more of an acquaintance of mine from grade school came to my house for my birthday party. Rodney informed me that a mutual friend of ours who was also present at the party said this individual had been trash talking me all day. I was so hurt that I had let this person in my house and around my son. I couldn't understand why they couldn't just say what they felt they needed to while there in my home. It was also especially hurtful to me that our mutual friends would have brought her to my home knowing this. I have distanced myself a great deal from people to avoid this kind of hurt. It is sad to me that when I take the chance to put myself out there that I am proved right. I suppose I will just go back to limiting my exposure to just Nikki. She is a good friend, an honest friend.

Speaking of Nikki, she loaned me her Wii Fit Plus. I have worked out three days in a row on it and I feel great. I am feeling the burn. The Wii is keeping me motivated because it is so encouraging. I really just love it so much! I am eager to see the results of my hard work in a couple of months, hopefully at my wedding! *fingers crossed*

Financially this has been a rough couple of months. Being depressed hasn't helped in the least. I get very discouraged very easily. I applied for unemployment after I was laid off but didn't qualify. I did also apply for disability for my mental health. I'm sure some people will have their opinions on this but my Bipolar is a disability that has kept me from getting jobs and has lost me quite a few. In the last 7 years I have worked 16 different jobs. I was fired, let go or just quit many of them. I am hoping that not only will this disability check help me financially but will also help me to get a job (The American's with Disabilities Act) and help me to get medical insurance so that I can get the treatment I need. If not for my own sanity and happiness than for my son's and his father's. Please keep us in your prayers.

That leads me into my next topic. I really want to get back into church. Bailey does too. This has to become a top priority for me. When I am in church I am so much happier, I am able to function better and I am much more reasonable. Pray for me that I will find the home church I am looking for and soon. I miss being in God's home with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Thanks to my daddy who got me a Kindle, I am reading and doing a lot of puzzles (I was told by a previous therapist that the puzzles will help with my memory, I have trouble sometimes). I am loving it so much and I feel so blessed to have a daddy who loves me so much despite my many faults. I have also been playing Star Wars The Old Republic thanks to Jen. This has to be one of, if not my most, favorite game ever. I love it! Thank you again Jen, you are too good to me!

I started talking to my mother again. It certainly isn't the way it used to be but it hasn't been for a very long time. It may never be that again and maybe that is something I just need to come to terms with. I am afraid she and I are a lot alike in a lot of ways but we are also very, very different. I am thankful that she has been willing to talk with me. She certainly didn't have to. I don't know where the healing process begins but right now there isn't anything she could say or do that would expedite it. My therapist asked me once, "What if you could ask her why she did it and she told you why, would you believe her?" my answer was , 'No.' So the healing begins with me. I need to learn to let go, not just with her but with everyone. I hold on to every single slight anyone has ever dealt me so when they hurt me again I am not just angry because of that one thing. I am angry at every single thing they have ever done to me. That isn't fair to anyone.

Lastly I want to apologize to my little sister. I feel like an utter failure as an example to her. I still cut myself when I am manic. How can she possible take the advice of an alcoholic who cuts herself? How can I preach to her not to burn or cut herself when, I, myself are doing it? I should have been a better big sister to her. I know she isn't perfect but I am proud of how far she has come. I know it can be hard to remember but I was exactly like her at that age, well not nearly as smart. I surely wasn't getting any A's or B's on anything. I was an angry person, a young woman trapped between adulthood and childhood. I was bitter and saddened and just wanted to be happy. I know she will overcome all of this because she is so strong. Sometimes to a fault. I love her so much and I am so thankful to have her as my sister.

We meet again..

Square one we meet again. I started back drinking and smoking which was not only a huge disappointment to everyone I know but to myself as well. I have been in a terrible funk despite having a new job and doing well at it. I started back drinking and smoking and started slacking on my classes. I fight with this depressing feeling of, "what does it matter anyway?" which logically I know isn't true but I find myself thinking it anyway. I find myself thinking things like, "you aren't worth it anyway." and I hate that, I can't figure out why I hate myself so much. I've made my fair share of mistakes but nothing so bad as to hate myself so much. I find myself in this funk making self destructive choices and I feel so badly because so many people have been so supportive of me. I can't thank Rodney enough for sticking with me and standing beside me. I had a good cry about not going to get any wine and Rodney held me and comforted me. I don't know how he stands it. I'm not that good of a person to deal with someone elses sobriety problems. I get frustrated even though I physically understand where they are coming from. It amazes me that he is so understanding when he isn't an addict. So today I didn't drink and who knows what tomorrow will bring but I can't think that far ahead with my sobriety. I just have to make it through this hour of not drinking and then try for the next one and the one after that and so on. One step at a time even if they are baby steps. I can do it. I know I can and I want to if not for me than for all the people who have stood by me and for my boys, they deserve it.

In the name of Adoption...

‎"I am a birthmother and I personally am horrified that a television show that reaches so many viewers would send such a message. It is frightening to potential birthmother, adopting couples and even children who have been adopted. It is also completely false and to even pretend that such a thing could happen spits on what adoption is really all about, which is LOVE. I am completely offended."


Please sign this petition for me, for adopting parents, birthparents, and adopted children every where. Please spread the message.